Lately I have been in a place I have never been before.
I am full.
Not just my tummy, which has been feeling very satisfied now that I am not longer eating wheat.
My entire body is full including my heart, my mind, AND my physical hunger.
Crush has not saved me. As romantic as I am, the relationship has given me things I have always craved: love, acceptance, understanding, growth...but it is more than just him which is giving me a feeling of comfort and peace.
I have found fullness because I have begun to listen to my triggers, my little voice inside, dare I say, my angels.
The friends that make me feel bad, judged, or insecure......I don't talk to them anymore.
The clients that I can never make happy no longer what I do or how clear I am.....I release them from terms when appropriate.
The foods I know I must avoid because I cannot trust myself with them (Triscuits, Wheat Thins, loaves of crusty french bread)......I don't buy them and make sure when I must be near them (like at restaurants or parties) I eat something else, I cannot go down the rabbit hole there.....those yummies will win.
I recently stopped playing games with myself and I feel like a veil has been lifted. Things do not HAVE to be so hard unless I make them this way. Sometimes reality sucks: that person hates me, I lost the job to someone else, I don't fit into my pants because I couldn't stop binging for 6 months because I was so depressed....but isn't the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results....isn't that the same thing that I was doing for all of these years? Allowing my mistakes to take over my life, even though I wasn't happy with it?
For instance, I used to make up servings that suited me when I was trying to calculate calories. I would take a huge bowl of ice cream and call it 3 servings, when in reality in was more like 6 servings. So, then I would calculate the day and ice cream alone, I would be off by 400 calories. I would cry that I couldn't lose weight and I was TRYING. But, I wasn't trying that hard if I wasn't being honest to myself. Often at the end of these weeks, I would be up and not down in weight and I would fool myself into thinking that it was some kind of diet conspiracy........BUT, I was the one putting the calories into my mouth and then turning my mind off.
I don't know everything that may happen in the future. I do have a very good idea though. I am leaving and I am pressing the reset button and I am EXCITED beyond belief. So much lives somewhere else now.
I am waking up and living for myself. This morning I made myself fried rice for breakfast (veggies, eggs, brown rice) because I felt like it. Because it sounded good. Because I thought it would satisfy me and it did. Old me would have eaten cereal because that is what people are "supposed" to eat for breakfast even though cereal never made me feel full and I would eat an ENTIRE box in one serving and then I would feel terrible about it for the rest of the day.
I decided that full is worth getting creative for. No one really cares what I eat or do, the only thing that people who truly love you care about is that you are happy.
For the first time in years, I am.