FIRED

I was fired from a job.  Well, we fired each other in all honesty.  Some of you did guess correctly on my occupation.  GOOD JOB!  For real, come September, I do look forward to letting you all in a bit more and sharing some specific details….it is juicy and I know you will you a kick out of it!

So, lately, my heart isn’t in my line of work at all.  I wanted to be what I am because I desired to help people, to create memories, to be an expert, to educate, to guide, to emotionally connect, to change someone’s life for the better.  I feel like my industry and the expectations in my city arent’t allowing for this…..I am exhausted by dealing with stupids and emotional imbalance on the daily….oy.

People are crazy.  Hell, I am crazy.  But, I own it.  I also don’t disrespect, curse out, or feel entitled to so much for so little……I don’t hire a professional to undercut fees, to contest things that only nature and god can control, to show form lists from the Internet that have no bearing on a major and VERY expensive market. 

I have a feeling that when I move, I could be successful at my current job.  The market is better.  Less saturated.  Gentler.  A little slower paced.  My Crush works for himself and owns his own business and I see his business interactions and accepted practices.  He gets a 24-hour grace period on emails (I get about 2-4 hours these days before a text come through with the question…"did you get my email?”), clients do not text him, he never picks up the phone being called a “bitch, liar, or cunt….” (this hurts me most as I feel like I have worked so hard to be NONE of these things anymore)……

BUT, I am not perfect.  Never was and never will be.  I want people to like me.  I actually NEED people to LOVE me.  So, I over promise and under deliver and run around in a circle like a little lost puppy wanting to be cherished and doted on and important.  One morning last December when I was cuddling with Crush and the phone/email was going crazy at 7:30 am even though my out of office was on I thought to myself….WTF????????!!!!!!!!!

I had lived 31 years to that point for EVERYONE else and now I wanted a teeny bit of time for me.  I deserve it.  I need it.  I want love and affection and a little privacy, too.  I will not compromise on it.....

And people got pissed, including the client who fired me and their friend who I also helped rather unsuccessfully because she blamed me for such things as not being able to get the fish she wanted in the middle of Hurricane Sandy and that the city we live in was fixing potholes and scaffolding on the street outside of where she wanted to take a photo.  And they called me horrible things and the trust was broken and my heart hurt and I couldn’t eat for days until I binged for a week nonstop after I got my appetite back and I listened to my conscious and I said……..”life can be better than this, you deserve it.”  Just like how I knew I deserved better than Awful.  I always operated on the notion that clients were always right NO MATTER WHAT and the reality is that they aren’t some of the time and mutual respect is a 2 way street.

I learned my lessons.  I now do almost daily check-ins.  Expectation meetings.  It all goes into writing.  I made a list of what I can control and what I cannot and it needs to be initialed.  I wanted to celebrate love, life, and commitment and not have to scream all day to prove points…..I just don’t have it in me.   Sometimes my BEST communication isn’t enough.  Once in a while, a person will not like you no matter how many hoops you just through.

I am thinking of becoming a teacher.  The state I am moving to is desperate for them and does not require a masters degree (which I do not have).  I will have to take tests and some courses and classes, but I will not require an entire new degree.  I have always loved and connected with children and have many teachers (grandmother, Sissy, mom, aunts, cousins, etc.) in my family, it may just be in my blood. 

I sobbed to Crush the other night after I was fired from my client because for a moment I felt nothing, but cold hard failure, even though I was so relieved to be rid of them.  While I ugly cried and snotted on Crush’s chest, he said, “if you want to continue what you are doing, do it, but you can do anything, I believe in you and support you, always.” We then sat down and made a list of why I want to be a teacher and it was for all the reasons I thought I wanted to be what I am…..to make the world a better, sweeter, happy place….seriously, I am a total mush ball.  I wanted to help people.  I wanted to emotionally connect.  I wanted to feel.  I wanted to influence.  I wanted to transform negatives into positives.  

So, here I am at another crossroad.  I found love and now I think it is time to find work satisfaction.  I never really loved my jobs over the years as interesting as they have been as it always felt superficial, silly, and baseless at times and as I have grown and developed, I feel like a chef that hates food, or a fashion designer that hates fabric, or a poet that hates words. How can I create and inspire if I can’t connect with my trade like I used to? I AM IN A TOTAL FUNK.

The verdict is still out and I know that no matter what happens, I will always do some of my current job, just not full time.  Perhaps 3 – 4 selective great projects a year, but no more than that.  Because I will miss it.  Because it is part of me.  Because even though I have taken some hard knocks and tough blows, the rush I get from my good clients, there is nothing quite like it.  There is the ability to connect for life and that connection is what I crave.

I have also learned the kind of client I want to work with and who I can best help.  It is a personality thing sometimes, it always it.

I wanted this to work.  I succeeded.  I did.  I learned lessons, I managed profit margins, I have some major fans and some major enemies.  I do think if I stuck with it, I could succeed, but at what cost?  I need to turn the work off some hours each day, to enjoy my evenings more than once or twice a month, to feel at peace sometimes especially when I rest my head on my pillow at night…to not get a knot in my tummy every time the phone rings. 

I am not as young as I wish I was sometimes….because I feel like doors have slammed shut already on some of my dreams. 

Job satisfaction is one I am willing to fight for though.