Friday, November 2, 2012

Not Good

Alright....coming clean.  This week has been terrible eating-wise.  Seriously, the worst week in a long time.  I returned one week ago from a few heavenly days with Crush and since then, I have been a bottomless pit.  Ice cream, pizza, a hot dog, onion rings, peanut butter, pasta, sour cream and onion chips, brownies, cookie, McDonalds, not good in every way.  It's not even that the food is junky, which it is, it's the fact that I don't even want the food.  It's a mindless immediate need to fill this hole, this hunger.  I am not ignoring it this time.  I want to figure this out, I don't want to get swept up in this tidal wave of want again because really, inside, I am actually satisfied.  I had one of the most delicious apples of my life yesterday and I thought to myself, "this apple is really amazing" and then I ate tons of chips afterwards until I almost puked....WHY?

Things I am proud of, I only ate 4 pieces of Halloween candy, that is a plus....but, I did eat half of a bag of chocolate chips...hahahaha.  No, I seriously did.  I should have just had a few more fun size Snickers...weirdo I am.

So, where is this hunger coming from?  It's a really good question and one I am thinking about non-stop.....I think a lot of it has to do with transition as I have mentioned before.  I eat through, quarter-life crisis, new relationships, break-ups, fights with friends.  Food has always soothed me, distracted me, offered me an immediate release.  I am not going to let it win again, I have to beat this!!!!!

I am scared.  I feel so lucky that Crush is in my life.  Pinch me good, really.  He is the BEST.  I am a smitten kitten.  I don't think I have ever been in love before now, it makes me a bit sad, actually.  It's so real, it's scary.  I have an awful way of going about things sometimes.  I think way past the situation at hand.  I daydream past the kisses we will have next week when we see each other again and I obsess about weddings and babies and then I panic and then I eat.  I must stay present.  I must stay in the moment.  I am self-sabotaging.  I am getting myself so wrapped up in a fantasy that I am not enjoying the good fortune.  I can see this, so at least that is progress, right?!  I have this fucked up way of dealing with the opposite sex because I have always been called fat by boys, by men.  I love to be told I am beautiful, but I want the outside to not matter at all.  I'm such a hypocrite.  I know I am. I want to be told I am gorgeous, but I want no one to care about how I look.  Fucked up.

When I am told I am attractive, it triggers me to eat.  Yesterday, the old man at my eye doctor told me I was stunning and then I went to McDonalds.  Today, the lanky college guy at Starbucks gave me a grande instead of a tall because he liked my glasses (I complimented his, too) and then I got fro yo with tons of toppings that tasted like chemicals and I didn't like it and I scraped the bottom on the cup nonetheless.  I don't think I am this sex bomb, I think I look happy because I am in love, so I must be giving off a vibe...but, well, compliments trigger me.  Cray cray, I am.  Oy, I must love myself.  I have worked hard to accept all of me and love every inch...every lump and bump and imperfection and then, well, then, I don't treat myself, my soul, nicely.  I am being so hateful to myself, the person I need to love up 24-7.

In an effort to not regain my weight loss, tomorrow, I am back to tracking, I know it is the way I can be accountable.  I am also going to learn how to just accept a compliment.  The truth is that I love to give a compliment and I mean every single one I give.

It's time for me to be able to accept one.

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