Friday, November 16, 2012


I have to admit know I am nothing if I am not honest.  I don't believe in ultimatums.  Yet, well, my relationship with Awful was one giant ultimatum.  The definition of an ultimatum is:

1. A final statement of terms made by one party to another.

2. A statement, especially in diplomatic negotiations, that expresses or implies the threat of serious penalties if the terms are not accepted.

Awful promised me something from day 1 and didn't come through.  In return, I made sure he knew that if he didn't do what he promised he would, I would leave him.  It was this terrible push and pull.  A cold war, really.  In the end, he didn't come through and I didn't stay.  One giant 2.5 year ultimatum gone wrong.  The things I learned....they are priceless.

I am not a saint.  I have lived and I have learned.  I have made so many mistakes, but I always find the lesson in any situation.  I am reflective and deep this way.

What I want to express with this post is that any person that is really right for you, shouldn't need an ultimatum to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.  I do believe in subtle tricks when it comes to training a man, but this pertains more to helping him learn that boxers and socks go into the hamper and to put the milk away after he pours it onto his morning cereal.  The little things can be fixed, NOT the big things.  YOU CAN'T CHANGE A MAN!  Morals and values are here to stay.

Even if your vagina is made of diamonds, it will not be strong enough to make a man do something he doesn't want to do.  Sorry, the truth does hurt.  I lived this rejection and it sucked.

As I reach a real crossroads in my life, personally and professionally, what I can share is this, if a man loves you enough, he will go to the ends of the earth for you.  You will not have to tell him what to do when it comes to the big things, he will know what needs to be done.  Allow him to do it on his own time, if it is within reason.  Let things marinate, set your own dates in your mind, but hold your cards close.  No one likes to be told what to do.  We all turn into 2 year olds when forced to do something, even if it was something we were already going to do!

I bring this up, because I plan to move to another city, pretty far away, in less than10 months.  And, I plan to go regardless if I have an engagement ring or not.  This fact is killing my mom a bit.  She is a loud mouth who always fears the worst, so she likes to lock things down before they even happen.  She has this terrible habit of not letting things naturally progress and I used to live my life like this, making people do things they don't want to do out of fear.  Perhaps, the fear that I am not good enough to get what I want.  These ultimatums are really insecurities, they manifest into so much more than just forceful promises.  In many ways, I believe they give a person doubt about you.  "Let me blindside you into loving me, because you could actually do better."  It sends the wrong message.

Sorry mom, but lately I have allowed myself to just enjoy the moment.  When I move, I will not live with Crush.  We have already discussed this.  I learned my lesson with cohabitation.  It works for many, it just didn't work for me. I have given myself to someone so fully and completely and when it was time to go, I had to leave, it was his home.  I will not do this to myself again.  I know it will be okay with us, but even if is isn't, I love the city I am moving to and I  believe I am supposed to go there, regardless of him, it's the only place I want to be.  It simply feels just like coming home.

I have this feeling of peace, of contentment, I'm satisfied.  I can't wait to see what the future has in store.  I am just going to roll with it a bit and enjoy the moment.

No ultimatums.


  1. Ughhhh I guess this was perfect timing for me to read this. You're right, with the right guy there are no ultimatums necessary.

    Excited to see how the next 10 months pan out, however, I do hope there is some talk of putting a ring on it.

  2. This is a mistake I have myself made at least 20 times prior to Crush. I just NEED to feel in control. It is this slippery slope!

    Thank you and we have talked about putting a ring on it. I just don't want my move to be directly tied to, that isn't to say, that I will be happy if it doesn't come a bit after I move it to the south...this I can admit!!!!

  3. Such a great post! I think you are so on the right track. The two things I told kip before we got engaged: I won't give you an ultimatum when it comes to marriage if you promise to be respectful and not make me wait forever & if you're not ready to give me a ring than you're not ready for me to live with you, but it's ok because I want you to be more than ready! He made me wait a little longer, but I knew when he proposed it was for real & he couldn't wait to marry me.

    1. Thank you! I thought of you when I wrote this! I know Crush is good like Kip and won't make me wait too long. I am learning to let a man (now this only works if he is already a good one) be a man, it's hard for me because I can be SUPER controlling. I am aware of this. I hate being told that I MUST do something and I don't want to do it to him. Of course, I have been waiting a long time (independent of Crush, just you know, for me!) for something nice and sparkly, so I won't sit here and say I am not excited! But, I don't want to speed up our relationship to get to a material milestone before we are ready. I just want to enjoy what we have now because it is AWESOME!


Tell me your truth and I will continue to tell you mine......