WARNING: This post is LOOOOOOOOOOONG!
I am back from meeting Crush's family.
Better than expected and then even better than that!
There is so much to tell.
I have been waiting to share a really amazing story with you all and it is now time to let you in. It involves a little bit of magic, so I understand if you don't believe, I am not sure if I would either. Here goes, no judgement please, I never claimed to be totally sane.......
One year ago, I walked out of my life with Awful. I moved out on a whim, but it was a decision that I had been rolling around in my mind for more than a year. I went home to my parents' home. At 30. I only took my clothes. I cried a lot and I ate pints of ice cream and wailed "WHY!!!!!" and "NOOOOOOO!" between bites of cheese while laying with my parents in their bed. It was not a good look for anyone.
Then, day by day, the pain lessened. Awful was ALL wrong for me. I knew this, he knew this, but being alone isn't fun when you don't want to be. I tried to move on. I got almost to the moving on "finish line" and then I didn't. I would text Awful back, answer his emails, listen to his voicemails. I was almost over him, but he was still there, still this toxic black cloud ruining my potential.
A very very very very very special person in my life encouraged me to see a clairvoyant (STOP JUDGING!!!!), she just had a feeling and I always trust her feelings. I played around with the idea and resisted as I sometimes do when she suggests something that I know is right. I become a 2 year old all too often. Finally, I went to see the clairvoyant and she told me things that have gotten me right where I am now: my husband is looking for me, he doesn't live in my city, I will move in a few years, he will be my soulmate. My deceased grandfather came to the reading (I TOLD YOU, NOT EVERYONE BELIEVES!) and I seriously felt him there. He told the clairvoyant that I needed to make my list in what I was looking for. He would help me find my husband, he just didn't know what I was looking for. My mom, my sister, and the very special person mentioned above all told me to make a list prior to grandpa spirit also letting me in and I couldn't do it......at the end of June I finally did. I made my list. Crush is everything I wished for, EVERYTHING! He isn't perfect (HE IS A SLOB!!!!!), I didn't say neat and tidy on my list, so shame on me....but, seriously, I wouldn't trade him for anything, even if it means picking up the trail of dirty socks and boxers that seem to follow him. The list worked. I stopped talking to Awful officially in July. We haven't had any contact whatsoever and I blocked his phone number and email. I needed to lock that door, so Crush could find me. Crush and I really officially connected in August. One doors NEEDS to close fully before another one can open. Trust me here.
I finally made the list on a vacation with another very very very special person (I have a few BEST friends in my life that I am BEYOND grateful for) and on one of the last nights of the trip, bff and I went down to the beach and sent our wishes out to sea. She herself suffered a tremendous loss this year that makes mine look minor, so it was a beautiful moment that we shared. We stood on the beach in the moonlight and gave our lives to something bigger than just us. Even if nothing came out of it, having hope (even if you don't even believe in religion...I do, but I know some don't), it is hope that will pull you through the darkest days. After I sent my list to sea, I felt a sense of calm, but truly, I wasn't expecting anything!
Crush and I connected soon after this. We have had an instant connection. The list of coincidences have rounded 200. We plan to write a book together. We may be the only 2 readers, well I bet our parents will skim to make us feel like they care...! When we are together, something feels so right. We see signs all the time, we really observe the world around us, I feel so tuned in, so present. But, don't mistake it. Love will never be perfect. I have flaws and so does he. Just this time, the flaws are part of the person, not what defines them.
I saw many things on my trip to see Crush's state and met his ENTIRE family! I loved every second of it. Crush told me a lot and let me figure out tons for myself, too. We are the same religion and very similar, but his family is from a different class than mine. No big deal, it's just the way it is. He didn't tell me anything about this in detail and I am glad he didn't. Awful used his parents' money to define him, to make him cool, to coerce people to like him. Awful kept his cards close and I really felt like I was a fairy tale princess.....he showed me so much and it may take a little getting used to, but it feels like home, too. Money is just money. It doesn't bring anything positive if it isn't treated with respect. I learned this lesson hard and fast with Awful. Material possessions do not fill empty hearts. I would live with Crush in a cardboard box.
On the last night of the trip, Crush took me to his family beach house. We went there the first night, too. Every time I get stressed out or full of anxiety, I always close my eyes and imagine a beach. Up until now, I always thought the beach was from the beach I LOVE to go to that I mentioned above, where I sent my message in a bottle in June....they look alike, but, the beach in my mind has really been the one that Crush goes to. The house, the rocking chairs on the porch, the beach front....it all looked so familiar, I had such a reaction, I walked in the house and started sobbing the first night I was there. The good news is that Crush is open to all of this, too, now that he has met me, because he can't ignore all of the signs, so he wasn't scared when I act like some kind of voodoo woman and cry.
On the last night of the trip, the weather turned a bit balmy and still. It was really the perfect southern night. We went down to the beach and walked a bit as the first night of our trip at the beach, the tide was high and it was cold. We were the only ones there and it isn't really beach season and the night felt magical, like I knew that something could happen. We made love on the beach (SORRY IF IT IS TOO MUCH INFO) and it was really like something I have never experienced. I have limited experience with relationships (sadly, not with men, just with relationships) and I realize now that I have never been in love, so therefore I have never made it. After we did it, we put our feet in the water and then danced (we do this TOTALLY nerdy thing where we dance while we talk and he is the BEST dancer and very good at leading, so I follow along and all of a sudden.....I'm dancing!) and talked about love and life and hope and then we saw this bright light (I AM ALMOST DONE WITH THIS NOVEL, BUT IT TAKES A TURN FOR THE CRAZY HERE!)....
The light looked like what I imagine the light that brings you to heaven could look like. It appeared under where stars would would be and since it was a hazy night, it was the only bright light in the sky. We thought at first, it could be a plane or a space ship (well, I said space ship, he didn't agree there). The light continued to get closer and it was moving almost like a portal, like a mini Milky Way of sorts, and I screamed "Hi Grandpa!" because for some reason, that was just what came to mind and all of a sudden, the light opened up and there were angel wings and then they flew off up into the night sky and it got really still. Seconds later, 16 different (we counted) lights appeared and we kept screaming out our deceased relatives names and every time we got one right, the light would burst open and wings would appear and fly away. It was like supernatural Duck Hunt. AMAZING!
The last light that appeared was super low to the ocean, like Crush started running away and I had to grab him by the back of the pants and calm him down.....we figured out it was his grandmother who just recently passed away and then my grandpa (who the clairvoyant let me know was VERY special and VERY close to god and in heaven, so I should made my darn list and let him help me) light came back and merged together with his grandma's light and made a spot light of sorts on us that looked like a heart. I swear on all of this crazy. (Crush just texted me to tell me he didn't sleep a wink last night and he is scared that he is a crazy.....I had to assure him that I saw it ALL too, so we are both crazy and we can be crazy together).
We then said goodbye to them and waved and blew kisses and asked them to watch over us, and our families, and send us the best nieces and nephews from heaven and then they flew back to heaven. We started collecting our stuff and then grandpa light came back and started flashing really slow. We started counting the flashes and it came to 18 which is a very significant number in our religion (Crush and I are both Jewish) and then grandpa light finally disappeared. Both Crush and my family are really big on marrying within our faith and grandpa was so proud of our heritage, I know he was my matchmaker in heaven!!!
So, what happens now?! Well, I plan to move in September to my Crush's home state and we will plan to start our next chapter then. Can't wait to share it all with you!
If you made it here, you get a cookie. Well, I would give you one, if I didn't eat them all last night myself....!