I don't want to turn into one of those annoying girls who is obsessed with her boyfriend. Yuck. I am always so judgmental of those types of chicks, mostly because I am often the lady with no man. But, well, but, I am super duper in love with my guy these days and I am feeling like it is the kind of love that won't change. I could be wrong. I have been cheated on, I have been lied to, I have been insulted. I am not the best judge of character. Most of this is because I always wanted love SO badly. I yearned for someone to share popcorn with at the movies, someone to hold hands with when I walked around town, someone to kiss me sweetly on the forehead before I drifted off to sleep.
I have also played games, gotten drunk to express my feelings, and stayed with people who treated me like shit because I thought I couldn't do any better....so obviously, I wasn't ready for a true gentleman to treat me the way I wanted to be treated because quite frankly, I was immature and totally messed up.
The way I feel about Crush is different. He makes me feel calm, at peace, beautiful. The things other men have made me feel bad about: my body, my education, my wanting to stay in, instead of partying every night.....he loves these things about me. We are just on the very same page.
If it doesn't work out, I will not disappear. I will let you know what went wrong. We have awesome communication, but we still fight, we still have things to do and share, we don't even live in the same city yet! I don't want to rush this train to get the ring. The ring is not my final goal here. It was with Awful. I am actually chill which is a new concept for me. I just want to get to know this man better and every single day I do, YAY!
So, here comes the gush. I am not sharing to make anyone feel like I am an annoying bloggy anonymous bitchcake that now has a boyfriend. I am sharing to give hope! True love, soul mate love, it does exist! Do your personal work, make your wish list (and be SUPER specific), and be patient. I believe in karma, The Secret, and good things happening to good people and those who wait. One year ago, I was down and out, living with my parents, and cursing my existence. So much has changed. Mostly, because I did the emotional and almost impossible work of coming to terms with myself. I got over myself and it sucked. I was a deeply flawed person in denial. Who could love me if I couldn't love myself?
Yesterday, Crush sent me the most beautiful email, a modern day love letter if you will....The night before, while we were having a typical before bed chat, we talked about how the last few years and our past relationships made the concept of real love, seem almost impossible. When you want love so much, sometimes you try to make it appear in places it isn't, like how I did with Awful. Here is my favorite part of the email:
"All of the women I dated in the past provided great experiences in learning things about others and myself. I don't regret any of those experiences. All of those past experiences led me to you and prepared me for you. I am totally and completely in love with you in a way I have never been in love before. It's a more complete and relaxed love in which I don't have any doubts or hesitations. We have more in common than anyone I have ever dated or even anyone I have ever been friends with. I am surprised and impressed by you every time we talk. We are on the same wavelength, I admire and love you endlessly."
It is beyond mutual. I feel the same way about my Crush.
See, the thing about me is this.....I don't really care about stuff that much. Some people don't even know that about me. I get most of my clothes from TJ Maxx and Marshalls. I don't know too much about the "in" purses and designers. I am classically influenced (preppy!) and not trendy, so I don't care much about what In Style Magazine tells me to buy each and every season because I already have the staples in my closet. Awful tried to buy my love with gifts. Yet the only gift I wanted, his heart, he couldn't produce. I didn't want or need one gift he got me. They were all silly wastes of money.
Crush lets me in, gives me his words. He is deep, he is thoughtful, and he is pure in intent. I would live under a bridge or in a cave with him. His company is the best gift of all.
If I had a boyfriend, I would gush too. It seems so common, but its also so rare to find in another person.
ReplyDeleteHowever, not everyone would say that, just the people that really had to go through awful relationships, single holidays, and bad hookups know how rare it is to find someone to accept you for you.
You have to love the worst to ever appreciate the best. I have so been there. The cheaters, the liars, the nights alone.
DeleteI don't "know" you, but I relate to your beautiful writing. You are a rad chick. You have a sense of self, integrity, and an appreciation for realness. You are going to make a great sane awesome multi-faceted man, your equal, so happy. You are going to rock his world! And you are doing exactly what needs to be done because you are staying true to who YOU are and you are not bending or shaping yourself to make yourself fit for the wrong person. Someone will accept you for ALL that is you and that is lots of awesome sauce!