Friday, May 24, 2013

Feeling Nervous

Crush is coming to town tonight.  In the middle of rush hour on a holiday weekend.  On the flight I specifically asked him NOT to take because I will sit in no less than 3 hours trying to go 40 miles to get him and that doesn't include the ride after he joins me in the car.  Get me OUT of this city....NOW!  PLEASE!!!!!!

There is a reoccurring theme unfortunately....Crush's inability to hear what I say sometimes....or maybe it is just me?

Sometimes these days, I think it is me.

I feel that as I am changing, maybe the things I say....I am not really staying correctly, or maybe I am not explaining things well.....sometimes Crush makes me feel crazy....but, I know why and I will share it later on in the post.

There is a thin line between love and hate and I want to stay on the love side of things!

This week, I didn't love Crush more than I did last week.

I feel like in our relationship thus far, every second since I met him, I have loved him a bit more.

I almost think about my love for Crush as a graph...with the line going up and up from week to week...but this week...well, my love for him stayed the same.


Is the honeymoon over????

Crush is FRUSTRATING ME!  He still doesn't have a plan for where we will live next year and it keeps going back and forth from the city to the country.  Flip-flopping.

No regard for my career search which I already started or the fact that I need to find a way to support myself next year, too.

After 1 week of almost hourly back and forths and over explanations of Crush's future psoriasis flaring the worst it ever has from stress, and gaining 5 pounds from eating every single second instead of calling him and telling him off.....

I decided, I am moving to the city.

With OR without him.

It is what I wanted to do anyway.  The original plan.  And we can still get engaged and just not live in the same place..... Crush has a place to live in both towns and since we won't be living together before we say "I do"....I don't have anything, yet...(I KNOW...we could just live together, BUT, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO and I made that mistake before with Awful...I cannot move in with someone would be insane for me though I know it works beautifully for many people including my parents and even Sissy!).

We are 3 1/2 months out from my move and I don't have the time to wait.....sorry, Crush....I am moving across the country for you....the 55 mile difference between city and country isn't my biggest concern anymore....that seems close compared to nearly 1,300 miles of distance from here to down South.

I need a good job.  Something I will be proud of.  A position that can integrate me into the city. And unlike him, my family cannot just create a roll for me....he is lucky, he is.

Crush doesn't mean to be selfish, but he is.  Sometimes he will talk about himself for 30 minutes before he asks me a single question about my annoys me.  But, up until Wednesday, I never even thought to mention it.  To point it out...

Now, what I briefly mentioned above...the WHY is Crush the way he is?

Well, I have skirted around this issue a bit and I now feel like I have a better grasp on explaining it.  Crush has a processing issue.  A learning disability.  It seems like a real legit bad case of ADHD or ADD (I am not a doctor....).  The messes, the inability to plan, the needing extra time to do anything, the impulsive decisions that aren't always the best....

I think it was undiagnosed for far too long.  I don't know how anyone missed it as I picked up on it from the very first long email he sent me.....I thought...."wow, this guy is super smart, but his organization and sentence structure..hmmmmm, he is very hard to follow..." and this comes from me....a person who isn't even a great writer (I am not fishing for any compliments, I truly know that my grammar needs HELP!)...

I asked Crush if he had any learning issues before we even met, to take the pressure off of him to feel the need to overcompensate.  I don't know how it wasn't "discovered" until he was in the midst of failing horribly in a masters program?!  The fact that he graduated from college with honors without time extensions baffles me.  It hurts my heart to say this, but I think he worked EXTREMELY hard and since he has family connections, he could have glided through better than most with his same condition.  I read his final thesis and considering where he went to school (a school considered FAR better than mine) it wasn't what I would consider an "A", but what do I know?!

Crush has manners and is gentile, so that covers up a lot of awkwardness, but the truth is that he is horrible in social situations and as I have explained before, without a lot of knowledge about how the world works, sometimes.

His protected and charmed life has helped him pass-on through easily, but in many ways, I know I am helping him "see" how to relate and react to people.  I am teaching him how to ask questions and make casual conversation.  1 of the first parties I went to with him I noticed that he socialized by moving around the room and telling every single party-goer the same exact story.  Once he passed the general pleasantries of "how are you?", he went right into a tale of how we almost got robbed (tis true) and how I saw it before he did (again true), but the story was highly dramatic and inappropriate for the happy occasion we were celebrating.  When I told him that I thought perhaps he could practice listening and not talking AT people (I can be guilty of this too!) was a total revelation for him...all of his life, he has been getting through his countless social requirements by repeating a story he prepared to share before he makes me tear up just thinking about it AND I have MAJOR social anxiety myself.  It was his coping mechanism.  He doesn't have many close friends (he has TONS of distant friends though) because he doesn't know how to open up, to share, to relate, to listen.

I know I seem like a bitch right now.......but, well.....but...

I am not THAT excited to see my boyfriend this afternoon......I feel rather "whatever" about it.  It is scaring me.

I went out for coffee with a male friend yesterday and he looked sexy to me in a way that he never has before and I am all WHAT IS HAPPENING!?  I had to tell myself...."GET IT TOGETHER!!!!"

Yet, I know what is happening truly on the inside....I am scared.

Time is getting closer to when I leave and I know that I may be engaged in a few months and it seems SO I never thought anyone would want to marry me and now someone does and I always sabotage....I always don't let the goodness find me....I fuck it up before I can get to that final good spot.

I get so close to greatness and I let it go.  I like to fail.  I don't know why.  But, I feel like I don't deserve success even though I KNOW NOW I DO.  This is a baby relapse, but a step back nonetheless and I want to own it.  To realize that it is happening while it is happening in real time.  To not let the quicksand suck me tempting it can be.



Yes, my boyfriend has faults, but overall he is a winner.  He is ALL I ever wanted.  He isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me.  Crush is my soulmate.  I know in my heart.  99 percent of the time, nothing in the world makes more sense than our love.....

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, unlike Awful, I am not telling you this to convince myself, I truly believe it.

It is time for me to get to the gym, to shave my legs, to pack my lingerie for the long weekend, and to appreciate that someone loves me for ALL of my flaws ....which are NOT few and far between.

If you made it here...thank you for reading that roller coaster post. I didn't know where it was going until it came to a dead stop and here we are.



  1. Let me quote RuPaul on this one: "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else, can I get an amen?"

    Perhaps this is just a low week for you, where you are not loving yourself like you should be? In turn, that makes Crush's love or desire to marry you feel like you are being suffacated? I know this is how I can feel at times, especially PMS-y times. I don't treat myself very well, like today being bloated and feeling gross so I just keep telling myself negative things in my mind.

    With that being said, this is an admirable thing to admit to, we all have moments of sabotage, to err is human kind of deal.

    Although dealing with him not listening to you can also help perpetuate these feelings, but I think after a nice visit you will feel better, just be honest. You know that you guys are great for each other, and if you ever need a reminder, just go read some of my bad date stories!

  2. I always say: test drive before you buy. I'd live together for sure. But that's me.

  3. To play devil's advocate, what do you consider "failure"? Feeling scared or overwhelmed about a relationship is not failure, it's normal! Don't be hard on yourself because you feel frustrated at Crush right now... you're entitled to your feelings.

    I agree with Englandia regarding living together, at least for a short time.


Tell me your truth and I will continue to tell you mine......