I am officially 32. Yay! I actually feel REALLY awesome about this. I am cool with getting older as every year I turn, I get a bit wiser.
31 in review.....
Well, to sum it up, it was truly the very worst and the very best year of my life. Trite, I know....I got knocked down harder and faster than I ever expected, I faced some of my biggest fears (I am no longer afraid of the dark!), failed multiple times, and met the man I am pretty sure I will marry.
31 gave me hope. The knowledge that the future holds promise, that I don't have to stay somewhere that isn't giving me what I need, that love does not know just 1 city in the United States, or maybe even in the world. 31 taught me that some people are just mean, that people either LOVE or HATE me (I already kinda knew this), and that beaches, fried chicken, the smell of honeysuckle blowing in the breeze, and moonlight kisses are all really actually underrated....yes, they are just THAT good! 31 showed me that from every failure comes first acceptance and then the big lesson, that real friends may be few and far between, but they remember to call you on your birthday (THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! I WAS WORKING AND YES THIS IS A BIG DEAL AS I AM NOT ON FACEBOOK, SO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO REMEMBER THE DATE!), and that karma is a bitch, a real bitch and for some reason, even if I do eat crow sometimes, someone is on my side up there and I seem to be getting the last laugh time and time again......feels good as when I think bad thoughts about people, I am always conflicted as I don't want them to wish badness on me and I then feel guilty because I shouldn't be worrying about other people, anyway......
I don't want to sound like a broken record, but thank you all again for reading and commenting. I am so grateful to have a little forum to share and express myself. I know that we can all relate to one another and it is very comforting.
I decided last Friday that I must begin therapy again, this time to really focus on my binge eating disorder and not just my anxiety and depression. I believe that for me, food is this dangerous little coping mechanism that gets in the way and then exacerbates my anxiety and depression. I am actually excited about discussing this in therapy and I am going to see a specialist who deals with compulsive/binge eating, specifically, so I hope to learn some great strategies to keep me from eating my way into hiding. I have struggled with this in some aspect since I was in elementary school (eating my feelings), but I didn't realize the hold it actually had on my life until 3 or so years ago when I was actively binge eating every single day in the midst of deciding whether or not I should leave Awful...
Since then, I have gained almost 40 pounds and I have been binging several times a week even with my best intentions. Not glamorous. I know that when I break free of my environment, I will feel immediate relief and it is possible that my eating will stabilize again, but what about every other transition I will face in my life? My default is now food. It always was before alcohol took it's place halfway through college and then when I stopped drinking so much 3 years ago (AWFUL HATED THIS..even though I stopped because my drunk temper could get out of control and I once hit that little clown while drunk and that freaked me out so badly that I knew it was time to reach an active limit with the booze which was actually super easy for me...) the food obsession picked up again. I fear I will turn to food time and time again if I do not get help.
Now is the perfect time for treatment.
It was only 1 year ago that I realized that what I share with food, this extreme imbalance of love and loathing was actually a real disorder. Something that I can get help for. Something that I do not have to be so super ashamed of. I will let you know how it goes. I plan on going once a week until I move and then I will continue therapy there as needed. I know it is what is best for me and we are all a work in progress, right?!
I would like to lose the 40 pounds I put on these last few years and then I plan to stop. I am not meant to be skinny and it is a goal that I no longer have....one of the many reasons that I am not super motivated these days like I once was. Vanity no longer fuels my restrictive periods. Thin is awesome, but, truthfully it hasn't ever super duper improved my life any way and now that I am not out on the hunt at a club at 3:00 am looking for sex......I really just want to fit back in my awesome pretty clothes that are all size 10....so when I get to size 10, I will be pumped!
I just want to be healthy.
If someone called me fat these days, the most dreaded word to me and one I ran in fear from for years and years and years....I wouldn't bat an eyelash. It is just an adjective and yes, it is true, I am a little fat right now. I am still pretty (this is a work in progress, being confidant, but I believe I am..on the inside, mostly), kind, funny, sensitive, caring, loud, tall, have long brown hair, have brown eyes.....and yes, I am fat, too. I just owned it, so no one else can because even if I don't look like I do....I weigh over 200 pounds right now and I feel tired, sluggish, and uncomfortable in my skin these days and it is because I binge eat too much. Reality sucks, sometimes.
Lots to share this week and I will do so before I leave for a little trip this weekend....duh duh dummmmmmmmm.....where my folks and Mister Crush's meet for the very first time. GET EXCITED.