Do-Over

Remember when you were little and there were do-overs in life?  If you knocked the ball out of bounds in 4 square, or messed up the steps to your dance routine, or sang the wrong words to your made up song...you could just do it over?

Well, my life is getting a do-over.  I am getting to reset it in 4 months and it feels so good.

Plans have changed.  Crush and I will be moving to his hometown and not the city he lives in next fall and I am super excited.  This makes next year a bit easier because transitions are generally hard for me.  Instead of moving to the city for a year, to only move to the country (for me country, it's a town of about 45,000) once we are married; we decided to move to the country after we get engaged and still live in separate residences (I will not technically live with him before marriage after the Awful mess) while we work on fixing up a family home there that we plan to live in (thank you Crush's family and Crush!!!!!) post marriage.  I will get a job there (there are a few options I am entertaining) and then I won't have to quit something after just a year.

I can't complain.  I am blessed.  I am lucky.  I am getting my man and a home to call my own all in the same year.  Words will never be able to express my gratitude.  This is better than I ever dreamed my life could be and it is just the beginning.

I have never felt at home where I live.  My anxiety is sky high.  Lately, I wake up and count the days until my new life begins.  I have been telling my mom that I will be reborn the day I leave this city and I will never look back.  She agrees.  As soon as my father's mother passes (she is 95 and lives in assisted living), my folks are planning to move out to be closer to Sissy and me.  My parents are New Yorkers, they have never felt right living in the Midwest either.  They hate the values and most people (they do have some great friends) and it made growing up here hard because my parents generally felt like everyone was a sheep following the herd of stupidity.

Sissy told me the other day that she loves being able to just go to the grocery store, the bank, the gym, and out to dinner without worrying about her weight, her clothes, or defending her life story.  Like me, she HATED high school and most people here and aside from her wedding day (which was here and mine will be, too, because it is easiest for my family and I have connections), she never had her best days living here.  I can say the same.

In September, I get to be the me I dreamed.  I get to live in a town that my boyfriend's ancestors were an integral part of developing.  I get to work on updating a home that my boyfriend's family designed and built many years ago.  I get to be a part of small southern history.  I will join the synagogue that my boyfriend's great-grandfather helped commission.  I will leave the past behind.

I will never have to worry about seeing Awful.  I will never have to worry about seeing clients that fired me or were unkind to me.  I will never have to worry about not being pretty, skinny, rich, or smart enough.  I will just get to be me.

I am not running away, but I am walking briskly with my head held high.  I never wanted to be here after college anyway.  I just love my family too much to be far from them.  I needed to be close to my folks and my beloved grandfather (who is now deceased and his widow is 95 grandmother) and Sissy (even though were weren't close at the time) after school.  I knew if I didn't come home, I would miss them too much and now life is allowing us to all be different places that we like better and not too far away from one another.

Crush and I are even designing a bedroom for my folks in our new home, so they can come and visit whenever they want....If my parents want to someday live with us full-time, they are more than welcome to!  It would be the least I could do to thank them for getting me back on my feet after I was so broken 18 months ago and giving me the strength and courage I needed to be my best self.  They have been my best friends and confidants while I dealt with the end of my old life (Awful), the transition (ending soon), and the beginning of my dreams (life with Crush down South).

I never believed in the happiness or love I am experiencing.  I didn't think I would be capable of finding what I needed.

I just didn't think it was in the cards for me.

I don't know how to express that enough.

I am not the person that brags that life is easy, that I can eat what I want, that I have infinite money.

I have dealt with verbal and physical abuse, a food addiction, crippling depression and anxiety, hiding from my problems with excessive alcohol, and being a giver giver giver without ever being a taker. I have been stomped on, mocked, and belittled for just trying to be kind, sincere, and good.  I have psoriasis, I have stretch marks, and I have cellulite.  I hate drinking water (I gag it down), not eating pizza is a daily battle for me, and I get insecure about my body on an hourly basis.

I am a person.

MY SHIT STINKS, TOO.

 MY LIFE SUCKED for a long time.  I had to move back in with my parents (people never seem to let me forget this, so I own it).

I know LOSER has been associated with my name all too often in the last few years.  Awful told me specifically..."people think you are such a loser for moving back home, it embarrasses me that I ever dated someone who can't stand on her own 2 feet."

But the joke is on him and ALL of the people who laughed because I didn't go into debt to save face and now I met my soul mate.

Do-overs are even better at almost 32 than they were at 7.

Now I appreciate that a do-over is something that cannot just be given, it is something that you actually have to work hard for.