This is the last post I will ever post about him.
The future is ahead of me and the past is now in the past.
I don't know if it was simply seeing his circular form from afar for the third time in a year (I mean, in this BIG HUGE city I live in...what are the chances!?) or because I can taste my move coming now.....but, it is time. I have been blogging here for nearly a year (time flies!) and Awful and I officially broke up in November 2011 and had our last true correspondence in July of 2012......time to let GO GO GO GO!
So, here it goes.
The pain in my heart no longer resides. The anger and fear and hostility I have for him is no longer pulsating through my veins. Peace has set in.
I don't like him as a person because I don't think he is truly good. He was a terrible boyfriend to me. A liar. Manipulative. Abusive. AWFUL.
But, I cannot be a victim. I allowed myself to be treated poorly and sometimes I lashed out. I saw signs and decided to stay. I turned a blind eye to things that I should never have....him not coming home some nights, calling my rolly tummy the "stormy sea..", telling me he would pay to lob off my belly and then me taking him up on it....not because I really wanted it....because I wanted him to pay for saying such hurtful things to me. His indifference to marriage and children and commitment. He was over 35 the entire time we dated and yet he was so childlike. A teenage boy lost at sea in his little wooden boat...obsessed with popularity, friends, and parties......
And yes, there are parts of him that aren't so bad. There are 3 sides to every story as they say....Besides his generosity to bribe people to be his friend, he is intelligent and a good son, a good brother, and a good uncle. He is also a good friend to a few people, a REALLY GOOD ONE. Dependable, kind, and patient. He is also VERY smart. He is a schlub, but not totally....I mean I did date him for over 2 years....
So why did I hold on so long?
This has been something I have been rolling around in my mind for a while in preparation of this post.
And I struggled with the answer over and over again and the truth is....
Well, I wanted my hatred for him to give me strength.
The strength to move on, to prove him wrong, and to lose weight.
And in many ways, I am still here. I am moving and I have moved on, but I am actually heavier than I was when we broke up....so hate is not my secret weigh loss recipe anymore.
Just because it worked before when I heard a boy I thought was a friend call me fat in college and then I lost 40 pounds from
I wanted to believe that my hatred for Awful would help me lose weight and it didn't at all.
Huge realization here.
Who wants to go through life angry, vindictive, and looking to prove someone wrong?
Well, not me anymore.
And, I am not a total hypocrite because I am currently working on letting my distain for a few former clients go too, but that is still too raw to really process presently.
My clairvoyant did say that Awful would die young from a terrible and fatal accident (she specifically saw either a boating or motorcycle related one....which I used to have nightmares about last summer....) and I will admit that I don't wish that upon him, but if it happened, I wouldn't be surprised because he is reckless...drunk, risky, and fancy free. As my Mom says, "Awful was always knee deep in his cups and drowning..." Her dislike for him grew immensely when he convinced my 5 months pregnant sister to go for a relaxing 10 minute boat cruise (you cannot argue with Awful about his boat...it is his way or the highway there..!) and got us stuck for hours in a huge body of water without food. And the entire time he was convincing Sissy....I knew in my mind....it would be a disaster because everything with him often was! After that occurrence.....my sister referred to him as "The Drunk Flailing Boat Troll" and as mean as it was....she was afraid that Big Baby was going to be born on the boat as 4 months to safety did seem like a realistic escape plan as he was always helpless when tragedy set in.
So, it is the end of my era with Awful Ex. He will be the man we giggle about 10 years from now, while we get together for holiday suppers or weekend reunions with friends.....
"What do you think ever happened to Kevin?"
(Yes, I went for a very cheesy and Sex and the City name drop reveal....!)