I am the first to admit it.....and it sucks.
You know what I have been avoiding lately.....oh yes, that
My friends, it isn't pretty.
My weight and weight loss in general comes in waves for me. The reality is that often I am simply not ready to do it. I have so many other emotional struggles I am dealing with, like sometimes, just getting out of bed, that I let myself use and abuse food for comfort and then the scale goes to places that it has never been before. Like this morning. Terrifying. Must break the cycle.
When before I mused about losing 30 pounds, I am now staring down 40-45 pounds and I am okay with this. I have been working out, going to therapy, staying active, and not stressing about clothes not fitting all that much.
I have allowed myself to eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I have wanted these past 2 years....it shouldn't be a surprise to me and it isn't. I have not deprived myself of anything or everything.
This past month, in the midst of a binge or a really big meal that lasts ALL day, the little voice in my head is actually telling me to stop. Progress. I may be reaching for the midnight granola bars, but I don't want them. It is just my pattern, my routine. My security blanket. But, my mind is actually wanting to stop the cycle. I feel some power over my decisions which is empowering.
Yesterday, for Father's Day, my Daddy and I went on a 40 mile bike ride. We rode on one of my favorite trails which is dirt and (thus harder to ride on than pavement) weaved in and by deeply shaded forests, open prairies, nature conservatories, little river bridges, and lily pad ponds. It is my absolute dream place to ride and my Dad is awesome company. Halfway through we stopped for lunch and I thought to myself, make a healthy choice because your body deserves it and I did and I didn't want the 20 miles on the way back to come to an end. I was enjoying the feeling of trusting my body and knowing what it could do. Even if I am 40 pounds overweight, I can still rock a 14 mile per hour pace on a heavy bike on a dirt trail and even bigger props to my almost 65 year old Daddy who is in incredible shape and often sets the pace for me!
Typically, in the midst of a grueling working....I repeat (this is embarrassing, but no secrets here), "bikini, bikini, bikini" and I imagine myself on the beach with Crush feeling so sexy and secure in my newest classic J.Crew black bikini that I cannot even wear in public now....but yesterday I chanted, "mind, body, and soul" over and over again on the steep hill climbs and it made me ride faster than ever before.
So....last night, I laid in bed with my eyes wide open and thought about my body, my weight. Not the beautiful size 10 dresses, not the bikinis with tags still on them, not the future wedding dress I may be purchasing in the next year or so.....I thought about my body. I thought about the abuse I have been doing to this vessel that I am lucky enough to live in. I thought about how kind my body has been to me this year. How I can still ride 40 miles, I can still rock a spinning class, that Bar Method is a work in progress, but I can keep up. I thought about the feeling of freedom I have cruising on my bike through shoulder high sunflowers and I realized....the time is now.
Not for vanity, not for Crush, not to show Awful that I did it and look AMAZING.....but my body, myself, I deserve better. I haven't been nice to her for a long time.....the Cheetos, pizza, and ice cream will always be there and will still be enjoyed, I am not about deprivation....but the mindless, emotional eating that gets me nowhere.....well, I am dealing with it in therapy and I see a change to my mindset......yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!
So, this morning, I am off to a WeightWatchers meeting. One where I will weigh in, attend the entire meeting, and take it seriously. Like I should. I plan to do so for the next 12 weeks until I move to the South and than continue down there and also continue with a new therapist that my current one recommended for me. A goal of mine has always been to be a WeightWatchers leader and I would love to accomplish it....especially because down South it seems like a more attainable goal. There are less meetings, which means that new leaders equal more times for people to come meet. Since I am not traveling at all this summer for pleasure, it is a good time to establish some routine.
I will let you know how it goes as it rolls and just like how one morning, I was ready to date again....this morning, I am ready to help my body be the healthiest she can be.
A new mindset may just bring new results.