Thursday, May 16, 2013

Processing the Big Picture

Hi friends!

I have missed you!

I have been working and working out and lifting weights and sunning my psoriasis in limited doses (it really helps it go away and another reason why I can't wait to go South...sunshine and saltwater!!!), and daydreaming about life in less than 4 months!!!!

I have also been processing.

I feel ill even typing what I am about to share, but I feel like I can't start censoring now.  I have come too far with my honesty....please don't judge me.  PLEASE.

So, potential.  Yes, I need to address this.  Because it has been bothering me.

I didn't work up to my potential.  I should have worked harder in high school and college.  I know this. I could have been more.  I should have achieved better career-wise.  I want to go back to school for a masters degree for this very reason.  To prove that I can for myself. I was so smart, top of my class, until I was 15 and fell apart from self esteem issues.  It has haunted me.  My parents thought I was destined for the Ivys until my sophomore year of high school.  I let them down, but mostly, I let myself down.

School jazz aside, I am proud that I have always had a job since I was 15.  I was a babysitter, lifeguard, waitress, bartender, bar-back, restaurant hostess, camp counselor, pizza maker, swim lesson instructor, receptionist at a dental office, vacuum cleaner saleswoman (NO JOKE and a great story as I just learned that it was actually a drug ring and I had NO idea when I worked there), and a nanny all before I graduated from college.  I had all of these jobs for a while until location made me have to leave them.  I always excelled at my positions, often got promoted, and never had a problem picking up things quickly.

I accepted my first real job within 3 weeks of leaving my college campus.  I interviewed for 4 jobs and were offered all of them (it was a different time before the recession).  I have never not been asked back for a second interview.  I am great at work (well, up until rather recently when some people have not actually seen my potential, but that is okay, too!).  Work is one of my strengths.

Crush on the other hand, was in school until 26.  Then, passing big exams and licensings.  He never worked a job until he was 28 years old.  It was a job that he didn't even have to interview for.  He once worked for a few weeks for a family friend while pursuing his masters and then once went out on a job interview for a potential position, but was not offered it.  His experience is limited.

Crush is simple in some ways.  I had to teach him how to tip.  I had to teach him how to speak to servers (unless you have worked at a restaurant or had friends or family do have no idea how hard it can be), and how be patient at restaurants...he would ask for water, bread, and wine from the hostess before we were even sat at our table and visited by our read as rude, but he had no idea that it wasn't correct as he often had people serving meals in his own home growing up.

I had to explain how hard work is for most because he honestly had no idea.  Sometimes.....I think Crush either lived under a rock until he met me or was brought to the year 2012 (when we met) in a time machine or a spaceship.

I feel weird sharing this, but Crush is supported mostly by his family.  He is being groomed to take over one of their several businesses.  I am being supported by my family too right now, but not exactly in the same way. I am saving money while I live at home.  I cover all of my expenses, the folks just don't make me pay rent which is awesome (THANK YOU MOM AND DAD!).  It isn't exactly the same as generous and as awesome as my p's are.  Hell, I am spoiled's all relative I suppose.

I have always had a job though and even if I am not the best has been a part of my life.

Crush really doesn't make much money on his own...I just learned about this, this week.  It is less than I ever made in my corporate jobs and it surprised me a bit.  He was born into a really good life.  I don't know numbers, but I know that he has more savings at less than 35 than my Dad ever will (my dad worked for the SAME company for 42 years!) and that is just the tip of the iceberg...there will always be more, much much more.  It will come over the years.

Yes, I have to sign a prenuptial agreement.  We have discussed this.  It is simply how his life is.

It is not my is from all of the generations and generations before him.  It is hard to get my head around it and I am weirded out by it.  It keeps me up some nights.  It makes me nervous.

I am glad I met Crush online and he never told me any of this until way into our relationship when I started putting things together and realizing that his own work experience and life experience would not have been able to produce what he has.

I would love him even if he had nothing and in some ways, I think that he would be better developed and more of a man if this was the case....if he had to work like most of the rest of us do in life.

So, my boyfriend hasn't ever had to work up to his potential because the objective of making money was never really forced.  Yet, he is frugal (sometimes alarmingly so) and great with money and investing.  He is resourceful and not wasteful and genuinely kind and charitable (even though he thought 5 percent and not 20 percent tips were okay before he met me....SORRY to all of those hard working servers out there....please don't spit in our food when you us out for dinner!).  He has a heart and soul that is so pure and good, it astounds me sometimes.  He was raised right in many ways. He wants to live little and save big.  To not take advantage of what was given to him...I respect him for this.

I am helping Crush finish a few things he started and be a bit more hands on with his own life.  He wants to be.  He does.  No one allowed him to be. But, I know his folks (who I do adore) perhaps thought he would develop differently.  Be more of a man seeing how he was groomed (prep school, great college, good masters programs)....yet, it didn't all click for Crush somehow.

Crush wants to know how to do certain things around the house, how to be better at work, how to treat clients...he isn't entitled...he is the opposite.  His sheltered life makes him seem simple sometimes. He is the most literal person I have ever met. Almost oblivious to modern life.  I doubt anyone, but me, knows how smart he really is.  I could see people thinking otherwise and how that can hurt him business-wise.

I believe that people in a good relationship bring out the best in one another.  I know Crush and I were brought together to be the greatest we can be as a team.  Crush has made me patient, even tempered, sweeter, less vulgar, and kinder.  I have learned to stop and smell the honeysuckle and enjoy a cup of coffee without text messaging.

In return, I have helped him learn some life skills, join the year 2013, offered him confidence and support.  I have taught him how most other people live.  He is different and very blessed and he never knew it, not really.

I want Crush to work towards his full potential.

Not for money.

Not for my own personal gain.

I want Crush to be fulfilled by his own interests because I know he doesn't see the greatness I see in him yet....because he was never really forced to develop on his own.


  1. I think that with Crush, that's just how some people are. They are sheltered and groomed, and that's okay. From what you've said, it seems like he comes from "old money" and that's just how those people are. I'm glad that he has met someone that has actually had to work and sacrifice to get where you are today. I believe it makes for a good balance, especially when raising children.

    As far as signing a prenup, that would stress me out too, but oh well. You guys seem good for each other, so there is no reason to consider the "what if's", and you already know you can take care of yourself IF something were to happen.

    1. "Old money" indeed. It is a lot to get my head around!!! I agree with you and thank you for your perspective....our kids working is not an option...they will be expected and encouraged to get their first job at 15, just like I was!

      This is true as fear here is that Crush wants me to stay at home with kids, which I am happy about, but also afraid of....because I am used to a little money always coming in!!!! But, I can take care of myself IF something were to happen and I need to remember this.

  2. Holy Cow. I've been processing this for a few days. I have so much to say, but I'll try and streamline.

    Let's start with the pre-nup. Given there is family money, it's something that is fair to ask. And you seem on board with it. I highly encourage you to have your own attorney, unaffiliated with Crush, review it. If you are signing it, you might as well be protected. (If you have questions, email me and I can put you in touch with Hubs, who is a financial planner and negotiates a lot of these - and divorces. As long as you walk in educated, vs. deferring to "his" family (and their said money), you will be good.

    I think one of the neat things about couples coming from such incredibly different backgrounds is the ability for both to take the really fabulous parts of their lives and bring them together to raise a family. You will never ever lose your solid values. What you instill in your family will be different - perhaps not handed on a silver plater.

    Money makes things easier and more complicated at the same time. There are bigger family ties and commitments. Which is all well and good, but disfunction goes a long way. I have friends with bazillions of dollars and money cannot buy their marital bliss. I have friends living paycheck to paycheck with very simple lives. The second set of friends wouldn't want to change places for all the Tea in China!

    You two have the potential to balance one another out. Embrace it. It may seem annoying and completely incomprehensible at first, but if you can both take a step back, it's going to be a good ride.


    1. Thank you so much for this beautiful comment. I have hesitated even sharing this stuff, but since it has been causing me ENORMOUS anxiety....I needed to let it all go and I am happy I did!

      I plan to get my own attorney and to protect myself. I may take you up on Hubs and thank you for the offer, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it and your kindness.

      Both of our families believe in education, family values, Judaism, and charity. His family is so much more established than mine, that I think they didn't push work enough, but when you are being groomed to take over an aspect of the family business...the drive to build a resume is so much less of an incentive! Work is going to be non-negotaible for our children and he is on board which is awesome!

      I agree, money has positives and negatives. I love nice things, but I am not a fancy lady. I treat my nice things nice and don't get caught up in the latest fads and the gimmes. I love his family, but the feeling of always having to defer to them a bit makes me nervous, but since I know it now, it is less of a surprise since we aren't even engaged yet. Over-thinker I am!!!!

      We do have a wonderful balance....I am going to embrace it! I believe it is going to a be a great ride, too!




Tell me your truth and I will continue to tell you mine......