Saturday, December 22, 2012

The Very Last Thing

I have a few goals for 2013 that I really want to accomplish.  I plan to make a post about them soon to hold me accountable, but one is so important that I am dedicating this here post to know what I am going to say......I must get the rest of the weight off.

I am actually okay at the weight I am at.  I look okay, some clothes look really nice (with the proper support garments), I can make it through rigorous exercise classes and actually typically perform better than many in them, but, well, but, I feel like this layer of weight is a result of the person I was trying to cover up, to hide from, and I don't like what the weight represents, sadness.  I gained this weight when I started dating Awful and my anxiety and indecision became crippling.  Food was my friend that didn't talk, my confidant, we became close.....35 pounds close.

I make no secret that in the past, I only lost weight because of a nasty comment, always from a man.  I know something is right with Crush because my binging has lessened, not increased, since he came into my life.  He thinks I am beautiful and tells me often, he is not afraid to sincerely tell me how he feels and how he hopes the future will play out.  Swoon.  I feel safe with him and this blanket of positivity and reliability is exactly the thing that was missing in all of my other past relationships.  Oh, yeah, he is also not a liar or an asshole.

Lately, I am still struggling with the food, but not in my typical way (binging in private).  Lately, I am simply struggling with the everyday holiday stuff like cookies, lunches and dinners with friends, and crowded classes at the gym (I do give credit to all the college freshman girls back in town trying to rid themselves of the Freshman 15....I have so been there).  I feel like slowly, but surely, my relationship with food is normalizing, now that my life is in a better place.  I remember once hearing that sex is the barometer of a relationship.....if you are never doing it, there could be some trouble in paradise.....this is exactly how I feel about my binge eating issues....I binge when my life is out of control and I eat normally when I am happy.  My relationship with binging and food in general represents how happy I am with my life.

This week, I have tracked everything and some days weren't so pretty.  There has been some queso dip, cookies, and an entire bread basket at one of my favorite restaurants, but instead of giving up, I wrote it all down, ate better at other meals and perhaps on Monday there may still be a loss.  We will see.  If there isn't, next week will be better.  One day at a time, one meal at a time, one bite at a time.

I am ready to do this once and for all.  16 years after really starting with the dieting, I am ready.  I am going to do this for life, for real, for ME.  Not for a man, not in retaliation of a nasty comment, not for my wardrobe....I am going to do this for me!

I don't need the extra layer to protect me anymore, I shed that skin like a snake already.

35 pounds is not going to define me.

I am excited to become more in touch with myself as the pounds come off.  With each and every pound lost, I always feel vulnerable and I think I am finally open and mature enough to deal with my feelings as I make my journey down to goal.

For 2013, I am going to beat the food issues for life,  I simply feel ready.

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