Oy....this is hard to admit, but I have actually put on 5 pounds!
It isn't because of the holidays, treats in the office, or attending tons of parties like many this time of year...it's simply because I am not committed.
I want to lose weight, I really do. 27 more pounds to be exact, but I don't have the fire, the dedication, the for lack of better words...OBSESSION, that makes it possible for me to lose weight. I do well all day and then around 4:00 pm, "the fuck it monster" settles in my brain and tells me that I am hungry and then I do stupid impulsive things like eat an entire medium pizza by myself (true story occurred last night, I had a breakthrough and tracked it because it did indeed happen!).
So where do things stand for me and my food issues now?
Well, they are still around, the issues I mean, but the binging is conscious and present and becoming this separation from need and want. I used to NEED To binge. Like chemically, I had to stuff my face with food. Now, I just want to because it makes me feel safe and it is a habit, a bad one at that, but it's familiar. Binging feels like a nap to me, warm, secure, an escape in every sense.
Now that my love tank is no longer empty (I today stole that from Vicki from the Real Housewives of Orange Country who had a very low love tank when she was with Donn)...because of Crush, my need to fill myself up is less manic. I simply love the taste and relaxation that comes with the mindless eating, but it is not something that I must do.
Currently, the pending issue is that in the back of my mind, I kinda know that food is the ultimate reward, like if I complete something I must do, I can have that cookie! Bad, bad, bad.
What now? Well, I plan to track EVERYTHING! The good, the bad, the ugly, and the WTF. I just want to see it all. So what if I eat 4 times my daily calorie target? I just want to see it, to own it, and to then deal with the reality of my choices, loses or gains. Because if I am actually doing it, there is no point hiding from it. There is no point being sad when jeans don't button or dresses don't fit. The food is ending up in my mouth because I put it there.
I am the only person feeding myself and it is on me to make the changes, if I want the results.
More to come on this of course!