I binged badly yesterday for my first time since I started my eating therapy. I have had little slip-ups, but this binge was reminiscent of the big ugly ones of the past.
The silver lining here is that I know why I did it.
I have been working non-stop for the last month or so, averaging 4-5 hours sleep tops. I now have a nice little break and Sunday after I was done working....I had this moment of relief pass over me (and my tired feet)....I don't have to set the alarm tomorrow, I can just chill out and lay down for the first time in a long time.
I then started thinking.
And let me tell you, I am better busy than with nothing to do because I over-think everything and give myself anxiety without any good reason.
I mulled over Awful's pending marriage and the stupidity of our past relationship.
I got caught in a web of doubt that Crush will not do right by me and makes things official after I move across the country for him (even though I know he will).
I fretted over the fact that I do not have a new job in my new city.
I started beating myself up that I have been trying to lose weight for 18 months and I have only lost 13.5 pounds when other people (like I started to compare myself to contestants on Extreme Weight Loss and Biggest Loser) can do it so easily (even though it must be torture losing 10 pounds in a week!).
I then went to the fridge and pantry to ease my feelings.
I ate and ate and ate. I must have consumed 5,000 calories.
I fell asleep feeling so full, sobbing. The guilt I felt over hurting my body was a new emotion.
In the past I always soothed myself post binge by thinking, "Tomorrow is a new day."
Last night, I told myself, "You deserve better than this. You are better than this."
Today, I am about to go to the gym and face the scale at WeightWatchers. Yes, I binged epically before my assigned weigh-in day. I will not hide from the numbers. I did it to myself and I need to face the consequences of my decision.
I took a little step in the wrong direction. I am not perfect. I am not instantly cured.
I am trying and I am living and I will beat this.
It may not be today, but I will battle the binge eventually.