Yesterday as I was chatting with Crush about the kinds of engagement rings I like....yes, we are having these conversations and much of it is because I want a replica of my mom's ring. I feel like her ring is always the ring I looked at when I was little and thought "how beautiful, this is how a ring should look." My mom let me wear it when I would play princess dress up and she inherited it from her favorite aunt who could not have children (her diamonds were her "babies"), so the ring is significant. My mom offered me hers (BECAUSE SHE IS THE BEST), but Crush wants my mom to keep hers because he knows it is special to her and get me my own very much like my mom's.
I am over the moon because I know that having a ring just like my mom's will make me feel very close to her, always. One day in a million years, when she cannot be here, I can look at my hand and know that she is with me. I love symbolic things and the truth is that my mom's ring is so super classic, it is hard to find and not at all "in" right now (only one major jewelry house has it and not on a band I like and both Crush and I are too practical to seek jewelry from a name brand fancy place), so he will most likely have to design it and he is excited about it and also needs to borrow my mom's ring, so I think this will all be happening soon when our parents meet down south in a few weeks.
As we chatted yesterday about my engagement ring to be, I burst out in tears. I couldn't help it. I never thought that I would ever be having this conversation. That someone would want to buy me the ring I want and love. I have never been treated so kindly by anyone I have ever dated. It is still a bit surreal to me and I have to pinch myself sometimes. I would be happy with nothing. I really would. I have conditioned myself through my past relationships to be disappointed and go on smiling and think "I am not like other girls, so the things that other girls get, are simply not mine to have." I really operate on other people's happiness. Getting to be a bit more selfish lately and only doing what I want, it has been a total change for me and not the easiest thing.
Between us, I could just wear a simple band and call it a day and it would be fine. Crush is my best thing, jewelry is just a symbol of love and I have actual love.
As I was sobbing about it, Crush told me that he wants me to proud and excited every time I look at my hand, so he will get me what I truly really want and he is happy and really looking forward to doing so, because he waited so long for me. He said, "Now that you are here in my life, my dream girl come to life, these things like rings, I want you to have what you always dreamed of. I know you are the kind of girl that doesn't need everything and you are fine being practical (true....I drive an old reliable car I love, I shop at TJ Maxx on the regular, I love sales, I am not into trends and when I spend on clothes, shoes, and purses, I only choose classics that will last forever) and a ring for you is something I have been thinking about realistically for a long time and I am prepared to purchase, so just relax and tell me what you love, because I know you have specific taste and hate surprises".......ALL TRUE! He knows me well!!!
I got off the phone with him and had to lay down. I had to tell myself that this is really happening, that this is not a dream. I found my love and I deserve this. I am a good person. I always wanted something that seemed so out of reach, but now I am getting it because I believed.
This time last year, I hadn't met Crush yet, I was going on terrible dates, I was living at home (still am!), I was feeling lonely, sad, and without a true plan. Some days I couldn't get out of bed. BUT, I did still have hope. There was a force pulling me through. When I felt like I had to give up, I had a small support system urging me on and making me try. And I did. I tried. And fate led me miles and miles and miles away to Crush. And now I will leave and I don't think I will be back that often. I plan to start over in many ways. To be the best person I am and never could be here.
Now, I have never felt more confident about anything in my entire life. Our life plan is being put into motion. We have our families support behind us and I am super grateful about it all.
So much can happen in a day, a week, a month, or a year.
You just never really know what will happen...
It is one of the most frustrating and most hopeful things about life.