Here I am still sick and still laying flat on my back, but nothing has changed. Yes, I may be behind on emails and voicemails, but I plan to catch up today now that I can lift my head off the pillow for a few moments at a time.
I just had to acknowledge the sadness, despair, and fear that I am feeling after hearing about the haunting situation that occurred in Newtown, Connecticut, but there are no words. No words. I am going to try. I just feel like I can't ignore a tragedy like this.
This post isn't going to be long. This post isn't going to be about mental illness, or gun control, or the media's tendency to sensationalize violence and school shootings. This post is going to be about life.
Life is fragile. Life is unpredictable. Life is not forever. Life can change in an instant. Life isn't a right, it is a privilege. You are born and then you die, but what happens in between those two dates, well, so much can happen. Everyone is born in the same general way, but the way you die, there are indeed a million different ways to go out, if only they could be mostly peaceful, but they aren't.
I am sick about this. Sick because so many children, little ones, were taken. Almost babies, some 5 years old, were sent to school with their little backpacks and lunch sacks yesterday morning and now their tiny beds are forever empty. WHY? What is the point?!!!!!!!!!!!!! Helpless little victims. A baby killer, I mean, this is what I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET OVER! 5 year old children look to adults for guidance and safety. They wouldn't be able to fight back. Sitting ducks. The entire thing is sickening beyond comprehension. I am paranoid about it all and I am fighting these waves of anxiety. How can you not be afraid if you really think about it?
All we can control is the way we live our own lives. This last year, my perspective on EVERYTHING has changed. I have so much less tolerance for needless drama, for over-communication about nonsense, for being mean for the sake of being mean. Let me tell you, in my chosen career, it is creating moral problems for me, because I feel like people enjoy to be hateful for no reason and my heart isn't into making bad people feel good anymore....but that is a another post for another day.
I have been trying to treat others kindly, live each day to the fullest, and come to terms with my reality. Because, if I was taken too soon, just like the students, teachers, principal, and school councilor, I would want to know that I lived with no regrets.
I pray and mourn for all the innocent people yanked from this world yesterday for no good reason. May they rest in peace. They will never be forgotten. I wish yesterday never happened and all of those babies were still resting in their little beds waiting for their Saturday morning cartoons and a big bowl of sugary cereal.