Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Temptation Island

Do you remember the show? Oh my.....GUILTY PLEASURE!  I loved Temptation Island!

Truly, I enjoyed the spin-off, Paradise Hotel, best.  Take a day off, watch on Hulu, pop some popcorn and don't choke from laughing.

Speaking of temptation, I went out this past weekend with 2 of my best friends.  They are both very special to me.  One I met in college and lived with for years, one I met at work post-college and we immediately bonded and had that special understanding that is rare.  I love these ladies.  They are both married with beautiful babies, it was a planned and needed girls night out!

We went to a hot spot and had a late dinner reservation.  We ordered a bunch of food and had drinks.  I got tipsy.  I did.  I wasn't out of control, but I was silly.  I feel comfortable drinking with these gals, but as I have mentioned before, my drinking is few and far between and not something I do often or without planning.  I was excited to be out and I knew that I wanted a few too many cocktails, so I had them and enjoyed!

On a trip to the bathroom, a gentleman stopped me to tell me that I was beautiful, I always appreciate a compliment.  Lately, I am actually bigger for me, but since I am happy and feeling very at peace with the future with Crush and my own self worth, I am attracting men much more often than I did a few months ago.

We always want what we can't have.  Human nature.

This entire last year when I was single and dying for companionship, not one man looked my way, now that I met my Crush, the men are chasing me down the street, well not really, but I am getting approached occasionally.  Nothing has changed besides one thing: MY CONFIDENCE!

Confidence is key.  I have always known this, but now I feel it and live it and it is AWESOME!  I actually think it is such an easy concept that it is impossible, much like how less calories and more exercise cause weight loss.......oy!

As the night progressed, Mister Compliments came and asked to join our table.  3 taken ladies, me the only one without a ring.  He was with a friend and his friend left abruptly when he learned that we were a bunch of non-singles, but Mister Compliments stayed.  He wanted the challenge.  He let me know that he was divorced and without a ring on my finger, I was hardly taken....different values we share.

But, well, the truth is that I entertained his conversation.  I had a nice time flirting.  I kept it clean and polite and light.  The man was on a mission, he point blank asked me back to his place to spend the night.

I saw the entire thing as a test.  I was VERY attracted to him.  He was tall, very tall, he had beautiful skin, dazzling white teeth, and a gorgeous build.  Dressed well, preppy yet cosmopolitan, in another life, he would have made me snap my head all the way around if I saw him on the street.  Dreamy he was.

If I was single, I would have been gunning for him and I am sure I wouldn't have gotten him because I would have smelled of desperation.  Speaking of scent, he smelled yummy, had swagger for days, and even attended my same college, only he graduated 1 year before I arrived.  My dress would have hit the floor quickly a few years ago for this man mere minutes after meeting him, it would have, I can't lie to you about it.

The bar closed and both of my friends had left to make it home to their babies and I was alone with Mister Compliments and a very clear proposition, "get naked with me."  For a moment, I wanted it, too, I wanted to feel so desired, Crush is so far away, I could never marry Mister Compliments, he is GORGEOUS.....but my heart and mind laughed at the entire idea.

And I went home, ALONE, of course.  I was missing my Crush and I called him the second my tush jumped into a cab just to make sure he knew how much.

I see this situation as closure for my conscious.  Men may want me, but they don't have the power over me.  They can't control my self worth, the way I feel about myself, they can't make immoral choices for me.  And please don't even think I think blaming it on alcohol is ever a valid or excusable excuse anymore for personal actions.  IT ISN'T!

Years ago, perhaps even in this same situation with Crush, meaning that I could have been dating a great man who isn't a shark like Mister Compliments, I would have blown it with Crush, I would have done something dishonest to my relationship.  I don't think I would have cheated as I have been cheated on and there is nothing like that hurt, but I would have pushed it past the appropriate boundaries.  I would have gone back to his place and slept on the couch, I would have grabbed late night food with him, I would have given him my number.  I would have opened up the possibility of more, I would have jumped right down that rabbit hole...

If I was single....oh lord!  I would have let a few nice words suck me into the vacuum of deceit, I would have made bad and impulsive choices, I would have let a man I hardly know have his way with me because HE wanted to.  I wouldn't have thought about what I wanted.  How the one night stands leave me lonely, depressed, and empty.  How I really want and deserve a true gentleman, someone who loves me for me, not just the outside, not just because my dress and Spanx created a Kardashian type curve, all smoke and mirrors, only for a night.

I am loving Crush because I found my clarity before him.  I knew what I needed, what I wanted, what would complete me and he fulfills that: mind, body, and spirit.

And now, well, now, I am living my dream.  The dream I had to create before I met Crush in order to really fulfill it.

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