Crush and I are doing a bunch better lately.
For a while there it was fight fight fight at all costs (Ani Difranco reference for any fans out there....I love her). We just couldn't get on the same page. Much of the drama and tension were coming from a big issue that needed attention, Crush's processing issue.
Crush is now getting help. I am SUPER proud of him. I see a huge difference and he is taking the steps necessary to make himself a better communicator. In turn, our friendship and relationship have improved and I am feeling safe again in our little boat. For a while there, we were in the middle of a brewing dating hurricane.
Crush's mind works a bit different than mine. He is a big dreamer. He swept me right off my feet with his grand gestures and big ideas.
A few months ago, I realized that we had a problem.
I was observing this pattern of huge promises (which I do believe he is capable of doing and which I do believe WILL happen) in unrealistic time frames.
I had to take note of it for a while because I couldn't tell if this sense of utter urgency and then total slacking was coming from entitlement or something in his brain..As I have mentioned it before, we don't come from the same background, so with money and stability comes the ability to do things quickly that some would have to plan months or years for. Translation = something sparkly isn't something Crush has to necessarily save for (even though I know he is currently saving because he is wonderful with investing and all that stuff that sounds just like when adults talk in Snoopy when you tell me..."wahwahwahwah").
After a few weeks of utter frustration waiting to hear about all of these things he was "still working on and trying to figure out", I lost my composure and went rather postal.
I screamed, "don't say it unless you mean it because I take your word for it!"
This was in response to many little open ended things and one big huge gigantic major one....
Around Valentine's Day, Crush had told me that he had started to investigate engagement rings and didn't know if he could wait until I moved to propose to me.
The man didn't think about anything past that. There is no ring and it won't be on my finger in the next 2 months. I know this for a fact. I know that I am 32 years young and I am feeling like I am in a pressure cooker trying to lock it down.
I do feel that when I get my ring, I can breathe. Love has NEVER felt like this before, but I have been here. In a place I felt would end in marriage and it didn't. So....well, I don't like the gray zone. Waiting for someone to ask you to to be their wife....well, it FUCKING sucks! I am sorry, it does. It feels so very uncomfortable for a control freak such as myself. As happy as some aspects of my life are with Crush, this part of the relationship....the fine line I am walking by clearly outlining my expectations without giving ultimatums....well, I wish I could say it is fun, but then I would be lying. BECAUSE IT IS TOTURE!!!!!!
I know. I am being annoying right now. I sound like a whiny bitch. I get it. Panting for a ring is just CRAZY and yet it is a thing. When you love someone so much that you want to spend every waking second with them, it would be nice to be able to know that it will be forever today. I don't think a ring will change anything in my life aside from the ability to feel a bit calmer.
Instant gratification? Why yes, and if I didn't have an issue with it, I wouldn't need to lose 30 pounds still.
I was fantasizing. I suck this way. I love me a dream sequence. Hell, I imagine myself a 19 year old music video vixen when I bust out my daily mileage on the spin bike.
I will admit, I was dreaming of driving cross country to my new home with something lovely to admire on my left hand. What a fairy-tale it could have been to have met my soul mate AND become engaged in less than 1 year? It would have been like the end of some Rom Com.....me driving my sedan pointed South, laughing with my long hair blowing, admiring my shiny new friend.
And, since Sissy got engaged to her hubby less than 8 months from the day they first met, it gave me hope....I am the WORST comparer I know.
There is nothing quite like the feeling of the hardwood floor when it smacks you right in the face after the rug has been pulled out from under you. Wakeup call. Because as June curled into July, I realized that a ring wasn't happening this summer. I am okay with this once I myself processed it.
Crush has spoken to my parents about his intentions and I truly believe that I will be a Mrs. To Be in the nearer future. I actually want to live in the same city as Crush together for a few months before an engagement because I want a little peace to just enjoy life without planning . We need some more casual just us time. Time to watch TV, ride bikes, stroll the cobblestone streets, get ice cream, and eat homemade (by me, he barely knows how to open a can) weeknight suppers. I LOVE TO COOK, so I actually dusted off my cookbooks and marked some pages of recipes I know he will like this past week in anticipation of my move.
Love isn't easy. I know....trite trite trite. By even when you find the one, it doesn't all magically get better. I still have anxiety, I still have fears, I still feel like it may not end the way I want it to. I remember once talking to Sissy about this when she was a bit overwhelmed herself with being pregnant so soon after she was married so soon after she met her love. She told me one of the best pieces of advice, "with every great life transition comes excitement, uncertainty, and a little bit of an adjustment period." So true.
I have been disappointed before. I have felt the pain and loss of a broken heart. I am fairly confidant that Crush and I are meant to be a we.
We shall see.