This post is hard for me to admit.
I went back and forth about even sharing it.
I feel silly.....but, I made a vow to myself when I started this blog that I wouldn't censor my feelings.
I am jealous.
Oy. I can't help it.
Sissy is in town this week with her babies and husband and we are all getting on like pie. What a relief. In the last year, I have matured a bit in terms of letting things go when I should, but something I can't always shake is sibling rivalry.
Don't get me wrong, Sissy is truly one of my best friends in the entire world. She gets me as only a few do. The bond we have is forever strong. I realize it more and more these past 2 years of my life, which have been my hardest yet.
1 of the reasons why my hometown doesn't feel like home anymore is because Sissy moved over 4 years ago. Ever since then, there has been an emptiness that only she can fill here. When I move down South, I will be a bit closer to her and every less mile counts. Crush and I plan to see them often and next summer we are already planning a week long trip all together in my new state. EXCITED.
But, there is a bit of competition. Dare I admit it, but it is my truth.
A little backstory coming and then back to the jealousy.
WARNING....WARNING: Bit of a weird thing I am going to share next, but it is a part of my ongoing recovery and related to this post as it has to do with appearance...deep breath...
Recently, I have learned that to my family, I am considered the beauty out of Sissy and me. WHY ARE PEOPLE EVEN DISCUSSING THIS? This is not to brag or boast, this is simply to admit the fact that I had no idea....
I am working through it in therapy...letters from my family about me that I open up in my sessions and reflect upon....they reveal what others think and it is painful. What other people think of me is one of my biggest fears. Coming to terms with my "surrounding reality" (what we call our immediate life in therapy) feels like I am being suffocated every week.
I have such a disordered sense of self.
I just do not see myself as pretty. I see myself as ugly, fat, and annoying. The past 2 years have a lot to do with this. I am still not ready yet, but eventually I will share some of my recent downfalls which involved trying to help people from my past as clients. Just wasn't a good fit and brought back feelings of high school and overall stupidity. The push and pull became so much more than a simple professional - client relationship. Gray area at it's best.
I don't know why I even walked into that lions den because I knew it wasn't going to end well. And it didn't. After I separate myself from the midwest by miles and miles, I will be ready to divulge a bit more, I promise.
I take every insult so literally that the compliments escape me completely. Yet, every mean thing ever directed at me has been eternally tattooed on my soul. It was one of the reasons why I loved to drink and get WASTED. To black out from my sounding reality. I literally cannot clearly recall several years of my early 20's...just bits and pieces in dreams. I was running away from myself.
So, back to the jealousy.
Why am I jealous? It seems too silly to even type. Just like typing about my looks, but, well, Sissy is skinny. She had a baby in February and ALL of her baby weight is gone. She is slim, after having 2 babies and I am huge compared to her. BIG. ENORMOUS. We took a photo together and after seeing it, I couldn't even keep it....I had to delete it even though she looked gorgeous.
To clarify a bit, Sissy is a smaller lady than me. About 5 inches shorter and more delicately boned. At her wedding (which she weighs the same now), I was only 20 pounds heavier than her. We looked about the same weight, my arms were actually thinner. Now, I am 45 pounds heavier (I was very slim for me at her wedding, the smallest I have ever been).... this change in myself makes me feel like I can't breathe sometimes.
This weight is heavy on my heart. I haven't had a baby. I haven't been married.
I have eaten my bad feelings and now they are under my skin. Trapping me.
Today, I am home alone working. I have TONS to do. The family is out and I started bawling because how did I lose my self control with food? Why am I back counting points for the 6th time? I vowed after Sissy's wedding that I would stay trim....WHAT HAPPENED...Awful did and lots of emotional turmoil in quick summary...but, I should be able to control my food through out my hardships.
I used to be disciplined with my diet and trying to look my best. When did I give up?
Today, I started to binge again. It was an automatic reflex to my sadness. I had some chocolate and some popcorn. I ate some rice salad and a nectarine. And then I stopped. My throat closed up and I had a mind/body connection that is a new feeling for me. I am just getting used to hearing my voice and allowing it to surpass by anxiety. When it happens, it is almost like having an orgasm. It surprises me.
Mind: "Stop. Stop. You are eating because you are sad about how you feel about yourself. Eating more will not change this. Stop. Remove yourself from the kitchen. Track your WeightWatchers points and move on. You are tired and thirsty. Take a nap."
Body: I threw out what I was binging on, washed my hands, and got a huge glass of ice water. I left the kitchen and I laid down.
I won this little battle.
This struggle is hour by hour, minute by minute. But, by being conscious all the time and by listening to my mind, I know I can do this. Somewhere inside of me, my strength is starting to simmer.
So, I had my little pity party. My sister is skinny and I am jealous. So what? She is still my sister and I love her just the same. She is kind, supportive, respectful, and intelligent. She is a person that I trust and depend on. As I get older, I realize how important this is. There are so many less people like this in my life than I once assumed.
I am battling a food addiction.
Coming to terms with it has been a reality check that I have been avoiding for way over 12 years. I always knew it, but I didn't want to fight it. I wasn't ready. I wasn't strong enough yet.
I knew inside it would be a hard fight and IT IS.
I wish there was an instant fix for this. I wish there was a way to feel like myself inside AND out. But, I have to get over myself and my fear of failure.
I will do this.
And unlike the old me, I will not let vanity lead this battle.....I want it for health, for life, for ME. I want to be able to go to a party without fearing my appearance in posted photos. I want to be able to take a trip and enjoy the sights just as much as the restaurants. I want to be the same size for more than just a few months. To enjoy by wardrobe 4 seasons in a row.
I want my mind to lead and my body to follow.