I am not a person that wants so much.
I drive an old car, I buy my purses and shoes from TJ Maxx (I have great luck there, but still, they are never the newest styles or super luxe), I don't follow trends much as I prefer classic clothes that fit well. I find chasing fads to be exhausting. It is something that Crush and I have in common, we prefer timeless things.
Yes, I LOVE my beauty products, but I try not to want so much. It is one of the reasons why even though I enjoy looking at Pinterest for inspiration and quotes, I avoid getting too involved in it because it is a pile of want and I find myself wanting more than I feel I should, whenever I log on.
I hate shopping. Not just because I currently hate my size, but because I feel like I have enough in my closet. I don't care about impressing people so much anymore or being considered sexy, so getting dressed is a simple act...boring. I did love wearing dresses when I was smaller and wonder if I will again when I reduce.
Yet, I want food. I want chips, candy, pizza, ice cream. I dream about what I want to stuff myself with even though I am getting to the point where my inner voices can designate a craving from the beginning of a binge. Gone are the destructive thoughts of, "today I will binge and tomorrow I will starve." Allowing myself to actually feel sad, bored, angry, tired, or scared and not just throw food at the uncomfortable emotion is an entirely new thing for me.
There is one thing I really want. I feel foolish even admitting it, but I want a big engagement ring. A huge one, to be completely honest. It actually upsets me. I wish I didn't care. I don't want to want something so badly. But, I do. And yet, I don't have the best idea why I want a big ring so much. This annoys me, I want to know why I feel this want deep inside of me.
Is it because I want to prove something to friends, family, and strangers?
It is because I feel like I have waited long enough and I deserve it?
It is because I know Crush can afford to get me something fantastic?
It is because my mom and sister both have stunning rings?
It is because I want a symbol of my love and my love is so big and bursting?
After much thinking, I speculate that my WANT of a big ring is because my hand is large (I am 5'10" after all with a size 8 ring finger) and when I tried on rings in the past with Awful, everything looked small on me. It made me feel very bad about myself, about my size. At one of the jewelry stores we visited, a saleslady told me, "A big lady like you needs a big rock. Anything less than (insert pretty large size stone) will look minuscule on you." I remember going home that night and crying in the shower. She validated my thoughts under those bright florescent jewelry store lights. The rings I tried just didn't work....it is the same feeling I get when I try on my favorite jeans and I can no longer slide them over my hips.
Why did something exciting and fun like trying on rings have to be about my stature, too?
Another reason is because in my family, there are a few pieces of jewelry that my mom inherited from her aunt that are fabulous. Big and sparkly. Classic. Sissy picked the most phenomenal stone out of the bunch to reset for her engagement ring and I have been given the matching band to wear as my wedding band. It is vintage and chock full of gleam and just my style. I love the idea that in the future, someone in my family will want my ring or at the very least my stone. I want one of my future family members to be proud to have something that belonged to me, something that symbolized my love with Crush, just like how I am so proud to be able to wear my great-aunt's wedding band someday. I know that if my ring is fab, there is a better chance someone will want it as is....at least that has been the case in my family when it comes to inherited jewelry.
And then, there is a last reason....one I wish I could escape. I feel like a big ring will validate me enough to continue with a healthy lifestyle. That something big will motivate me to stay on track, remind me of all the life there is to still live out there. I remember Sissy once telling me that her engagement ring reminded her that she was officially living for someone else, so after she got engaged (almost 5 years ago!), she felt it was easier to make better choices. I could see myself feeling this way, too.
I wish I didn't want.
I wish I could be happy with something small or even nothing at all.
Sometimes I hate how I feel, but I hate the feeling of lying to myself even more.