I have a beautiful friend. She is stunning actually. Inside and out. She has gorgeous hair and porcelain skin. A beautiful smile. Sparkling eyes and a rocking bod. Last week while we were catching up, she mentioned that she has an insecurity about her beauty. I get this more than anyone, I have complexes about my body for days. Years, really.
My dear friend was told by a man that he wasn't feeling attracted to her. Now, this is on him, not her. My friend puts the "s" is sexy. But, I get the damage that one comment can do. Something that hits below the belt and cuts the very soul of your insecurities. Deeply. I have been there. I can be complimented a million times and I won't remember a single nice thing. But, tell me something negative and I will never forget it. It will haunt me for years sometimes. I will roll around my bed sleepless repeating the bad. I will wake up exhausted and resentful that a single comment has the ability to make me feel so empty that it affects the quality of my life.
Up until Crush, every one of my boyfriends has said horrible things to me about my body. Asked me directly about my scars and stretch marks. Made me feel bad about having a soft belly and long vagina lips. And I let these comments swallow me up whole. I thought, "Omg, R&F, your body is bad. It is too ugly to satisfy men. You are lucky that anyone can look at you naked. You are a disaster."
And in my heart and soul. I kinda really knew that my body was not a problem. In moments of clarity, I reasoned it was that I was broken inside and I was attracting broken men. I am healthy for the most part. Yes, I have some psoriasis and I can be depressed from time to time, but my body can do so many things. I knew that I had to love myself more to bring love to my body. I am still struggling with this, but I am trying. I make an effort each and every day to treat my body kindly.
I met Crush. A man that cannot get enough of me. A man that will get aroused by simply smelling the shampoo on my hair. He told me that he is scared that he may get a boner when I walk down the aisle on our wedding day. I have never had a man attracted to me the way he is. I am also super attracted to him. I lacked carnal attraction in every relationship that I have had up to this point. I am glad I am finally getting to experience it.
I remember going to therapy a few years ago and sharing that I was really angry that I allowed Awful to tell me that he wanted me, "skinny and hot!", that my stomach looked ripply and roly like "the stormy sea" and that he "wasn't as attracted to me anymore" because I had put on weight. What made me irate was that I found him to be super unattractive and I felt like I was being so open minded and kind by dating him and he couldn't even appreciate my beauty. My therapist asked me who I would want to look like if I could look like anyone. "Giselle." She looked me dead in the eye and said, "there are people in this world who tell Gisele that she is too ugly and too fat. You cannot be adored by everyone." Or shall I say, haters gonna hate.
Since I have moved to Charleston, I have been trying to get back in touch with my soul. I want to love myself freely. Not because I fit into my old jeans or dresses, but because I am a wonderful, kind and good person. I try to look in the mirror at least once a day and tell myself that I am beautiful. The more you tell yourself, the more you will believe. Beauty comes from the inside. The people I find most stunning are content with themselves and are at peace in their lives. I aspire to be this gorgeous one day.
I know that soon, my friend will find what she is looking for. She is doing the work to bring whole love to her. She will never have to worry about feeling beautiful because someone will make her feel like the most gorgeous gal in the world just the way she is.
It isn't you, darling. It's them.