I have been a bad bad blogger lately. And yet, I have a bunch to say. Lately, I just haven't felt like saying anything. Some of it is being in a new place and some of it is that I am planning a wedding and some of it is that I am sitting around a bunch, too much. I find that I am VERY lazy and unproductive when I give myself too much unorganized time. When I have tons of downtime, after a while, I feel some old and familiar signs of depression sneaking up on me. Lately, I have been blah. Busy doing things that don't really matter, but not busy working. I miss working.
A few days ago, I applied for a job that I REALLY WANT. The first one that I am perfectly qualified for at a place that I would be super proud to work for. I feel this tidal wave of anxiety and doubt. I haven't felt this want in so long. It's the same kind of want that I used to feel when I was single and praying for a partner.
In the last few years, I have become very familiar with 2 things that I have always feared: failure and rejection.
Yes, running your own business, there is a TON of it. Mix in a failed relationship, countless dead-end dates and living with your parents while you celebrated your 31st and 32nd birthday. Well, I could have made a failure and rejection sundae.
But, the things that I feared the most, aren't that big of a deal. Some people don't like me? That's okay, I typically don't like them more right back. I tried a new approach and it wasn't the best way to get something done? Well, I tried something new. And let's not even mention all of the MASSIVE business mistakes that I made time and time again? The good news here is that I learned. I tried and failed and I eventually made a conscious decision that I needed to change. And when I go back to being an independent business owner again, I will be SO MUCH BETTER and WISER. And more successful.
I may get this job. I may not. Life will go on and I will eventually find something that suits me. It will all be okay. I know this.
As then there was confrontation. I get the chills just typing that word. There is nothing that makes me feel worse than a fight. I hate when people are mad at me. I even hate when people I hate are mad at me. I even hate when people I hate who are stupid idiots are mad at me, even when I know that they are stupid idiots. OY. Exhausting.
Recently, I have learned that confrontation and I are not friends because I conditioned myself to be an enabler. I enable bad behavior, rude treatment and pure insanity to avoid altercations. I spent years lying and over-promising to get out of necessary conversations and conflict, "You aren't treating me right...", "I feel what you are doing is unethical", "Why are you going behind my back when I can help you." I would have rather kept silent than be on any one's radar. This is not a good way to live life as an active participant.
Since I have moved, I have been working on this. If I can't do something for someone, I don't. If someone is trying to take their bad day out on me for something that isn't my fault, I ask them. If I make a mistake, I admit it and own it and find a solution rather than running away like I used to.
Confrontation isn't such a bad thing. I mean, without it, my favorite channel in the world, Bravo, would never exist. Their entire program lineup is just confrontation videotaped in different cites....