Friday, December 20, 2013

Failure, Rejection and Confrontation

I have been a bad bad blogger lately.  And yet, I have a bunch to say.  Lately, I just haven't felt like saying anything.  Some of it is being in a new place and some of it is that I am planning a wedding and some of it is that I am sitting around a bunch, too much.  I find that I am VERY lazy and unproductive when I give myself too much unorganized time.  When I have tons of downtime, after a while, I feel some old and familiar signs of depression sneaking up on me.  Lately, I have been blah.  Busy doing things that don't really matter, but not busy working.  I miss working.

A few days ago, I applied for a job that I REALLY WANT.  The first one that I am perfectly qualified for at a place that I would be super proud to work for. I feel this tidal wave of anxiety and doubt.  I haven't felt this want in so long.  It's the same kind of want that I used to feel when I was single and praying for a partner.

In the last few years, I have become very familiar with 2 things that I have always feared: failure and rejection.

Yes, running your own business, there is a TON of it.  Mix in a failed relationship, countless dead-end dates and living with your parents while you celebrated your 31st and 32nd birthday.  Well, I could have made a failure and rejection sundae.

But, the things that I feared the most, aren't that big of a deal.  Some people don't like me?  That's okay, I typically don't like them more right back.  I tried a new approach and it wasn't the best way to get something done?  Well, I tried something new.  And let's not even mention all of the MASSIVE business mistakes that I made time and time again?  The good news here is that I learned.  I tried and failed and I eventually made a conscious decision that I needed to change.  And when I go back to being an independent business owner again, I will be SO MUCH BETTER and WISER.  And more successful.

I may get this job.  I may not.  Life will go on and I will eventually find something that suits me.  It will all be okay.  I know this.

As then there was confrontation.  I get the chills just typing that word.  There is nothing that makes me feel worse than a fight.  I hate when people are mad at me.  I even hate when people I hate are mad at me.  I even hate when people I hate who are stupid idiots are mad at me, even when I know that they are stupid idiots.  OY.  Exhausting.

Recently, I have learned that confrontation and I are not friends because I conditioned myself to be an enabler.  I enable bad behavior, rude treatment and pure insanity to avoid altercations.  I spent years lying and over-promising to get out of necessary conversations and conflict, "You aren't treating me right...", "I feel what you are doing is unethical", "Why are you going behind my back when I can help you."  I would have rather kept silent than be on any one's radar.  This is not a good way to live life as an active participant.

Since I have moved, I have been working on this.  If I can't do something for someone, I don't.  If someone is trying to take their bad day out on me for something that isn't my fault, I ask them.  If I make a mistake, I admit it and own it and find a solution rather than running away like I used to.

Confrontation isn't such a bad thing.  I mean, without it, my favorite channel in the world, Bravo, would never exist.  Their entire program lineup is just confrontation videotaped in different cites....

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