It's not from the Spinning classes I am taking nearly every day, or from all of the reading I am doing poolside while I sun my almost psoriasis free skin, or from sending my resume out, or from checking my email obsessively to see about my final website changes.
Finding your old self is hard work.
Since I have moved to Charleston, every day I feel more and more like the person I used to be. Like the girl I left behind so many years ago. Funny, I still can't pin point when I let myself go. When I decided that who I truly am, wasn't good enough.
Was it in junior high when I was taunted by the boys for being fat?
Was it in high school when I was left out by the girls I admired?
Was it in college when I drank too much to overcompensate for feeling lost?
Was in in my mid-twenties when I was too scared to ask for a raise when I deserved one?
Was it when I dated Awful and lied to myself about what love should be for nearly 3 years?
Was it recently when I paid out of my own pocket for a few of my clients' weddings to avoid confrontation when I knew that they were having major financial issues?
I sometimes wonder when I decided that laying down and playing dead was how I should live my life because I HATE it. But, confrontation is one of the things in the world that I fear most, so I know that I avoided many situations when I was right to avoid having to stick up for myself.
My mom says it best when she says, "it is the innocent that are made to feel guilty." I have lived this time and time again.
Yet, the decisions I have made: the ugly, the bad, the weak, the brilliantly thought out, well, they have lead me to Crush. To Charleston. To my own rebirth.
So, I don't regret any of them.
Because I know that I learned the lessons for a good life.
I apologized when I wasn't wrong.
I coddled crazy.
I ate lots of humble pie.
I got my heart broken.
I broke some one's heart.
I gained and lost and then gained the same 40 pounds a few times over before I realized that I have a food addiction.
I let go of some toxic people in my life.
I rekindled some old friendships that I missed.
And at the end of my journey, I found my soul mate.
Now, I am finding myself.
Everyday, I am trying to do something I used to like to do. Cooking, baking, riding my bike, reading a book, taking a swim, strolling quaint streets while I eat an ice cream cone and forget about the time.
Simple pleasures. Free of anxiety and hatred and drama. It feels SO good.
I over-think everything. It is one of my biggest strengths and weaknesses all rolled into one gob of insecurity.
In the near future, I will be Crush's fiance. I will be getting ready to be some one's wife. I will be planning a wedding. I don't want to lose myself in the process. I want to make sure that I stay me.
Because of my career, I have seen the most sane ladies go CRAZY because of money, greed, weight, indecision, and family drama. I will not allow myself to fall down this rabbit hole. I have worked too hard to be happy. I am preparing myself to enjoy every moment of this bridge between dating and marriage.
(I am still waiting for my sparkles! I will keep you posted!)