One Year Ago Today

One year ago today, my life changed forever.  I met Crush in person.  We had been talking, emailing, texting, and video chatting for almost 2 months, but when it was finally time to meet, it was terrifying.

My biggest fear was that I would be disappointed.  That he could have catfished me, especially because I was starving for love.

Here is a little letter I wrote to my dearest Crush on our official 1 year anniversary:

We started talking last August and in September (after a few false starts) I was pretty confident that you were my soul mate, the person I had been searching for endlessly and had not yet been able to find.  I can recall the great conversations we had before we met: we spoke about our thoughts on life, morals and beliefs, we shared about about our families and backgrounds, we agreed about politics and religion.  I was smitten.

In the beginning of last October, I began to panic a bit.  Could all of this be too good to be true? You were a unicorn, a mystical creature to me and I wasn't totally sure if you were real.  How could I be so lucky this time?  I was used to being disappointed by men and how did I know at this point that you could be so different?  So, I pushed you to meet me.  I felt like you were resisting me a bit, but the truth is that now I know that you aren't great at dates, planning, or calendars.  At the time, I took it very personally, but eventually you came around and committed, we would meet in a little city halfway between us on October 23 and we would stay for a few days.

It was the scariest thing I have ever done.  Meeting a man I already loved, but that I had not yet truly met in person.  I still give us a ton of credit for going through with it.  It was very brave.  On the way to the airport, my father told me that: "I admire you for meeting this guy.  No matter what happens, this will be a great story.  This could be something really significant, like maybe this man could be your future husband or this will simply be a tremendous life experience.  I am proud of you for going."

After I landed, before you picked me up, I touched up my lipstick in the bathroom and I prayed that you were everything I hoped you would be.  Moments later, I found out you were all I wished for and EVEN MORE.

On the ride from the airport to lunch, I felt instantly at home.  During the trip, we may have spent most of our time in our hotel rooms (together), but it was one of the best trips of my life because all of my dreams came true when I first laid eyes on you, and kissed you, and later consummated our relationship.  I knew that first night when I fell asleep in your arms that this was different.  That you made me feel like the person I always wanted to be.  On October 23, I had one of the best sleeps of my life.  I always sleep better when you are with me.

October 23, 2012 changed my life more than any other day I had ever lived before because I met you.  I knew that no matter what, as long as you could be a part of my life, I would be okay.

I am overwhelmed by my love for you and this year has positively flown by with you in it.  Everything is better with you.  I am the happiest I have ever been.

 I think the world of you.  I admire you and I am constantly in awe of you.  You have the best heart and you are such a gentle soul.   We bring out different sides in each other, but I will stand true to the fact that I believe that life doesn't always have to be so serious and I will agree with you that kindness and common courtesy are extremely important, too. 

Thank you for always being so good to me.  Thank you for making me a believer in soul mates, true love, and how some dreams really do come true! You have changed my life for the better and I would never want to go back to life without you in it.

I wish everyone lots of love, hope, and happiness today! 

XXXX, 

R&F 

Food and Love

Really all I need in this world are food and love.

Food and love have always gone hand in hand for me.  From the cookies and ice cream my parents and grandparents loved me up with to show me that they adored me to the candlelit romantic dinners Crush and I still share all too often.

Crush is the first man I have dated who has a normal relationship with food.  In the past, I dated binge eaters, manorexics, and even a man who couldn't keep a single morsel of food in his place for fear of sleep eating.  All of their eating issues triggered mine terribly, so Crush's non-issues are just a bit more icing on my love cake, not having to worry about food so much makes me feel fantastic and safe.

Normal is a slippery slope word, but I find Crush's habits to fall under the realm of healthy.  He eats when he is hungry and passes when he isn't.  He has a pretty scheduled routine with food (3 meals a day and 2 snacks) and enjoys some splurges and treats in moderation, but he is fine passing on indulgences, too.  I love having him around because he is a super good influence on me.  When I am with Crush, I find myself making healthier choices, being more in the moment and less in the pantry, and enjoying the act of sharing a healthy freshly prepared meal.

Since I have moved, I decided to take the power out of the number.  Meaning the scale.  But, since I am using a calorie tracker and want to get to a healthy weight for me (22 more pounds to go), I do get on  the scale from time to time, when I feel like I should (as in a few days ago when my super tight pants felt much looser).  I have lost 7 pounds since I moved to Charleston!  I think it is a combination of Spinning classes, sleeping well, tracking (science is a bitch, but it works), and my major reduction in stress.  When I am stressed, no matter what I do, I cannot lose weight, so less stress and a good sleep routine, are really my most important factors when I am trying to reduce.

The truth is that I am still a person with a food addiction.  I am not instantly healed because of my new location.  I actually binged yesterday.  My first real free for all in Charleston.  It wasn't super major compared to the damage I have done in the past, but it wasn't pretty either.

It involved Cheetos, popsicles, an individual cup of ice cream, and an individual pizza.  But, I can tell you why I did it which I am proud of.  I wasn't feeling well and I slept terribly (Crush was snoring all night and I was feverish).  I woke up needing carbs and I ate a NYC bagel (that was in my freezer waiting for me) slattered with butter.  From previous experience and pitfalls, carbs in the AM coupled with no sleep can be a recipe to binge for me and sure enough I did.  That bagel really shouldn't have been around anyway, but I do try to test myself (as my therapist suggests, to take the power and fear out of food) every once in away and I am proud to say that I have been strong against Wheat Thins and pasta in the house.  I find it refreshing to know why I do the things I do when it comes to eating.  This has been the most valuable thing I have learned in therapy.  That my actions have reactions and not everything is as random as I wish it was because if it was then I wouldn't have the problem I do with food.

I am continuing to track calories and take things one day at a time.  Slip ups happen, but it is the overall journey that produces results.  The easy fix never works for me anyway. At least Crush's influence is a good one.  I hate dated and lived with men who encouraged my bad habits and it is nice to know that I have one less excuse to test my willpower!

The Old Me

Lately, I haven't been doing that much, yet I am exhausted.

It's not from the Spinning classes I am taking nearly every day, or from all of the reading I am doing poolside while I sun my almost psoriasis free skin, or from sending my resume out, or from checking my email obsessively to see about my final website changes.

Finding your old self is hard work.

Since I have moved to Charleston, every day I feel more and more like the person I used to be.  Like the girl I left behind so many years ago.  Funny, I still can't pin point when I let myself go.  When I decided that who I truly am, wasn't good enough.  

Was it in junior high when I was taunted by the boys for being fat?  

Was it in high school when I was left out by the girls I admired?  

Was it in college when I drank too much to overcompensate for feeling lost?

Was in in my mid-twenties when I was too scared to ask for a raise when I deserved one?  

Was it when I dated Awful and lied to myself about what love should be for nearly 3 years?

Was it recently when I paid out of my own pocket for a few of my clients' weddings to avoid confrontation when I knew that they were having major financial issues?

I sometimes wonder when I decided that laying down and playing dead was how I should live my life because I HATE it.  But, confrontation is one of the things in the world that I fear most, so I know that I avoided many situations when I was right to avoid having to stick up for myself.

My mom says it best when she says, "it is the innocent that are made to feel guilty." I have lived this time and time again.

Yet, the decisions I have made: the ugly, the bad, the weak, the brilliantly thought out, well, they have lead me to Crush.  To Charleston.  To my own rebirth.  

So, I don't regret any of them.

Because I know that I learned the lessons for a good life.  

I apologized when I wasn't wrong.  

I coddled crazy.  

I ate lots of humble pie.  

I got my heart broken.  

I broke some one's heart.

I gained and lost and then gained the same 40 pounds a few times over before I realized that I have a food addiction.

I let go of some toxic people in my life.

I rekindled some old friendships that I missed.

And at the end of my journey, I found my soul mate.

Now, I am finding myself.  

Everyday, I am trying to do something I used to like to do.  Cooking, baking, riding my bike, reading a book, taking a swim, strolling quaint streets while I eat an ice cream cone and forget about the time.

Simple pleasures.  Free of anxiety and hatred and drama.  It feels SO good.

I over-think everything.  It is one of my biggest strengths and weaknesses all rolled into one gob of insecurity.

In the near future, I will be Crush's fiance.  I will be getting ready to be some one's wife.  I will be planning a wedding. I don't want to lose myself in the process.  I want to make sure that I stay me. 

Because of my career, I have seen the most sane ladies go CRAZY because of money, greed, weight, indecision, and family drama.  I will not allow myself to fall down this rabbit hole.  I have worked too hard to be happy.  I am preparing myself to enjoy every moment of this bridge between dating and marriage.

Here goes. 

(I am still waiting for my sparkles!  I will keep you posted!)

Sparkles!

I just returned back from a trip to see my sis and her family.  We also stopped to see Crush's sis and her hubby and had a lovely quick visit with them. It was a wonderful time and I love road trips.   When I am with my Crush, time flies.  He is also very good to me and stops multiples times for my beloved iced coffee, especially if I see a Dunkin Donuts at a particular exit.

A little news.....I picked out my engagement ring!  Yes, it may not be traditional or a surprise, but I knew exactly what I wanted and I HATE surprises.  My dream engagement involves me selecting my sparkles and I got to do just that.  Swoon.  Crush treats me very well and I am trying to remember how lucky I am each and every day because sometimes I can be very harsh with him.  I am working on this little quality called patience.

I am pre-engaged I suppose.  The ring is being made this week in NYC and then it will be shipped down South.  I don't know when I will receive it, but perhaps in the next few weeks since I know of it's existence and I can be very persuasive.  I do think Crush will surprise me with the actual proposal.  I am taking my xanaxes in preparation, so I can just enjoy the moment.

I can tell you that when he proposes there will be tears, lots of tears.  When we went to look at rings, Crush told me to play it cool and to not become too emotional.  We went to see diamond dealers and brokers, so there was a bit of room for negotiation.  Well, I tried, but I couldn't.  The minute they slipped my now diamond in the setting I already knew I wanted (just like my mom's!), I lost it.  Not a few dainty tears, but ugly sobs and a snot waterfall.  Multiple tissues and I had to sit down to regroup.  I still can't believe that everything I wished for, even now including the ring, is coming true.  I do not have this kind of luck.  I am used to being disappointed.  Crush is my fairytale.  We told the jewelers how we met and I did a happy booty shake with my sparkles on my left hand and they gave Crush a good deal (from what he told me, I was sent outside when money was discussed).  They told Crush that with me "he will never have a dull moment." The same thing my dad told Crush when he asked my father for my hand a few weeks ago!

Crush was fantastic with my niece and nephew.  They both adore him because he is so sweet and gentle.   My sister watched Crush play with Big Baby and declared that he was going to be a great dad.  I  agree.  He is very patient and allowed BB to order him around, control the pretend, and Crush even helped with potty breaks.  We made him hold Little Baby who is now 6 months old and was the first baby Crush ever held when Crush came up to meet LB at the birth.  LB held on tight like a koala bear, almost helping Crush out when we made then bond after a picnic supper in the park.  It was so adorable, I could feel my ovaries sighing.

I hope everyone is doing well out there and no more trips for me for a little while, so I will be back to posting on the regular.