I haven't been up to much around here, but I recently realized that I have something that has held me back all of my life. I am a highly sensitive person. I am textbook. Just knowing this has made these past few weeks very emotional because now I know why I do the things I do. I plan on posting about this soon.
I believe in always working towards being the best person I can be and my way of accomplishing this is through personal discovery and self reflection. I want to know why I feel "different" and as an "outsider" all too often, even through if you met me you would NEVER know it until you really got to know me. Only a few people really know me and as I am getting older, I realize more than ever that I am still a fan of quality over quantity. A real friend is worth the friendships of 1,000 friends who you can't really open up to. I come across as self assured, confidant and easy-breezy, BUT, I am the farthest thing from this much of the time. Now, I know, I am highly sensitive and I just can't handle many things that other people don't even think more than a few seconds about. Facebook is a prime example for me.
Lately, I have been getting sick (sore throat, slight fever, exhausted) about once a month. It tends to come around the time of my period and I am getting really tired (literally) of being down a few days a month. It knocks me out of my good eating and workout routine and makes me feel a bit worthless. I would rather never be sick because it depresses me. I think I may be getting it from my workout studios (spinning and barre) and now I am going to make a conscious effort to wash my hands before and after class and bring my own towels (both places provide them, but I think maybe I am highly sensitive to germs, too?!?!?).
Last night, in the midst of trying to fight the sore throat that has been creeping up on me for the last 24 hours, I fell asleep on my couch. In front of the TV. Fully clothed. The irony is that I was JUST chatting with a girlfriend about how we do this. And for years, this was my standard sleeping pattern. My eating AND sleeping, yup, both disordered.
When I came to at about 4:00 am, I noticed that the TV was off and that I had a fluffy pillow under my head and that I was all covered by a few of my throw blankets. Then, I looked down and saw that Crush was sleeping right next to me on the floor. Like a dog. I woke him up and said, "let's go to bed like people" and we did.
This morning, as I opened eyes, my first thought was how fortunate I am to have a man who loves me as much as Crush does. He will literally sleep at my feet. I asked him why he would sleep on the floor and not get in the bed and he told me, "I didn't want you to wake up and be startled and alone because I know you are sick and feeling down lately." He loves me. Really loves me. Truly loves me. I feel the same way. I have been given my best gift ever with this relationship, the ability to love and trust again. No one has ever treated me so kindly and sweetly before. I can remember waking up alone at 4:30 am to an empty house some nights when Awful would be out drinking with his friends on his sailboat and that emptiness, well, I would never want to ever go back there. The stillness in the middle of the night used to fill me with rage, distrust and above all, want. I wanted someone to want to be with me, especially at 4:30 in the morning.
Love is many things. And, not every day is a walk in the park. I miss many things about my single life, especially because I NEED my downtime (a part of being highly sensitive is needing to spend a lot of time alone to recharge) and Crush likes to be right next to me all of the time. But, I appreciate that there is someone who treats me like I am precious. There is nothing better than feeling appreciated.