The Perfect House Guest

Crush and I just returned from Chicago.  As I mentioned in my last post, I had the final wedding of my Chicago career, a super awesome New Year's Eve bash.  The wedding went off without a hitch, but the weather....OY OY OY.  I am super glad that at the last minute, I decided to save the airline tickets (Southwest, you rock my world) and drive.  Crush and I make quite a road trip pair and Chicago airports are always highly messed up when it comes to terrible weather since Chicago is the major middle city (location middle) in the country and local and far away weather causes an epic domino effect of flight cancellations.  True story, I have had flights delayed for nearly 3 days.  I always feel awful for the people who can't go back home to wait out their departures.

Instead of the little 8 day Chicago trip Crush and I planned, we ended up in Chicago for just about 2 weeks because the weather made it impossible to leave.  First snow.  Then arctic cold.  Then some more snow.  By the time we got the pass to go (one of the major highways we needed to use in Indiana was closed for 2 days), I nearly flew out the door.  Being cooped up in a house for days on end will do that to you even though I loved my company (former roomies aka the folks and the man I am marrying in 9 months).

My mom couldn't stop gushing about how much she enjoyed having Crush for the visit.  This is a women who secretly HATES company.  My mom is very particular about how she keeps her home (super clean and tidy and sanitary at all times) and having people over (and having her adult daughter live with her....) causes her stress beyond belief.  My mom likes to say that her own grandmother died of hospitality because people were always stopping by her apartment in New York because she was such a wonderful hostess and cook, but inside she hated it.  The verdict is out on this theory, my dad said she died of a stroke, may she rest in peace.

So, why was Crush such a great guest?  What did he do that made my mom so comfortable that she invited us to watch movies in her bed?  Why did his presence help my mom calm down enough that she stayed in her pajamas (as she should have) on our snow days?  Most importantly, what was it about Crush that helped her avoid having a public guest related meltdown that I was secretly expecting and even warned Crush about?

I asked my dear mommy and this is what she had to say about why Crush was such a great guest:

1.  Bring a gift.  As I get older, I think this is a given.  If you are planning to stay at someone's house, even for dinner, bring a little something.  A bottle of wine or champagne, a little treat from your city (I like to bring Carol's cookies or Garrett's popcorn sometimes, they are both Chicago yummies), a cute knickknack for the home, or even treat your hosts to a dinner out on the town at one of their favorite restaurants.  Here are a few cute gift ideas for under $30.00.  If you are on a budget, a simple thank you note for your hosts as soon as you arrive shows appreciation.  And that is the point of a hostess gift.  It shows that you appreciate the hospitality being bestowed upon you.  My mom loved the Charleston pecan sampler Crush gifted her with as soon as he walked through the door.  She said it set the tone for a sweet (ahhhh) visit.  Just remember, that you still need to send a thank you note after you leave. Put it in the mail the day you get home, so you won't forget! PLEASE NOTE: My mom would have been fine without any gift, truly.  Or a used tissue or a popsicle stick.  But, the nuts made her feel special and thought of and that is the point!

2. Follow the flow of the house.  The is a super important one.  Do as your hosts do.  If you hosts retire to bed early, do the same.  If you aren't ready to sleep, head to your quarters and read a book or watch some TV or your laptop, remember to bring headphones in the instance that you don't have a private room, so you don't bother everyone with the bitch fights from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  Before bed, inquire about what time your hosts plan to start their day and what the plans for the next day are.  One of the worst things about having guests, can be that the hosts get their routine interrupted.  Be aware that your presence is a treat, but also sometimes a bit of an inconvenience and be sensitive to that.  If you are staying in a place that doesn't have many bathrooms, coordinate shower schedules in advance.  If your hosts have to work during the duration of your stay, make yourself scarce when they are trying to make it out to the office or even wake up early and make your hosts coffee.  If your hosts are retired like my parents, wake up when they do and join them for a long breakfast and many cups of coffee!

3.  Be easy going about about food.  Crush eats everything and loves food, so cooking for him is simple. I told my mom the things he won't eat (fish and shellfish because he hates the taste), so she knew what not to prepare while he visited.  As someone who is always watching calories and now tries to avoid gluten when possible, I bring my own food when I can.  I also fund my own grocery shops away from home when I have access, but I loosen up my own particular needs when I can.  If a food won't kill me or cause me great physical pain, I try to go with the flow as it is just a meal and I am getting food and shelter for free.  If you cannot eat certain things, make it known in advance.  If you need to cook for yourself, be clear about it.  I think the less surprises you spring on your hosts right when you arrive, the better.  You want to be the least annoying guest as possible and the world doesn't revolve solely around you.

4.  Keep your room and bathroom clean and tidy.  This is a given, but I have seen this one abused  many times.  I admittedly had to help Crush with this because as I have mentioned, he is a slob, though he is getting tons better.... Make you bed in the morning, keep your clothes neatly in your suitcase or hung in the closet in your room (if you have one), wipe down the bathroom vanity, hang up your damp towels, don't leave your toiletries all over the place.  Bring a laundry bag for your dirty laundry and don't assume that you have full access to the washer and dryer unless the host in question is someone you feel comfortable asking to either do your laundry or allow you to use their appliances (I only feel comfortable doing my own laundry at my folks or sister's).  Be respectful to your hosts machines especially if they have babies or small children as they will be doing laundry constantly and often have a system going.  I like to keep my room viewing ready.  This means that once you get up and dressed, you should leave your room looking almost exactly like it looked like when you arrived minus your personal belongings.

5.  Be a part of the group.  Crush is always down for whatever, so he aced this one!  If your hosts like to play board games or cards and ask you, join in.  Even if you don't know the rules, be open to learn them.  If your hosts ask you to watch a movie or TV show, be a good sport.  If they want to make you a special meal or snack, accept graciously (same rules go for the dietary jazz above....don't eat shellfish if shrimp can kill you, but you get the idea).  If your hosts want to take you to a historic site in their town or city that they think you will enjoy, be a pal and experience it.  One thing that makes you a bad house guest is if you use your hosts place only as a hotel and don't plan to spend any time with them.  If you want a total solo or couple trip, then you should save and stay at private accommodations, so you can come and go exactly as you please!

Remember as I said, send a thank you in a timely fashion after you depart.   I wish you many happy visits in the future with repeat invitations to come and stay again!

Breakups SUCK! A Post Dedicated to a Friend I Love

A friend I love and care for deeply is going through a little something....a breakup.

IT SUCKS.

I told her this.  Time* is the only way to soothe the breakup scorn.  I wish there was a better answer for this and we could play a fun 80's song and have a fashion spree/makeover montage and make it all go away in 3 minutes.

* Even 2 YEARS post breakup and I am engaged to my soul mate for heaven's sake, I STILL get angry about the shit that went down with Awful from time to time and cyber stalk him and balk and huff around.  I BROKE UP WITH HIM, let's not forget which only adds to my crazy.  AND......I think he may have acquired a bulldog which ANNOYS me on EVERY level because that was the dog I WANTED when we were together and he didn't want one.  He once again gets to give me a virtual flick off and as hilarious as I find it because he doesn't have an original thought, it enrages me because get your own ideas and own life, Awful.  AND, nanananabooboo, I don't even want a bulldog anymore, but I won't tell you the kind of dog we are getting (a cairn terrier) because you will probably outbid the one I put a deposit down for and travel 1,200 miles by motorcycle to screw me over.  Yes, I know, I am NOT normal (AT ALL!) and that the world doesn't revolve around me and trying to piss me off.  I also realize that only bolding some words which I do when I get excited must be super annoying to read...sorry about that.  Oy, the "......" must be annoying, too. 

There is nothing I like more than an inspirational quote.  I look at Pinterest and Instagram for them and not for wedding ideas which is pretty funny when you think about it.  Here are a few things I came up with, a few things I summarized from being influenced by other sayings and a few things that are just common sense (when you think about it and the heart sometimes clouds the mind) that I wanted to share for my AMAZING friend and everyone else who has suffered a breakup.  Here we go:

1.  Breakups and breakdowns allow for breakthroughs.

2.  A person should be measured by the way they make you feel as when it comes to love, that is the only thing that really matters.

3.  Life gives you great lessons when you are ready to learn them.

4.  Change is terrifying, but it is also extremely exciting. A clean slate is a gift that keeps on giving.

5.  So much can happen in a year.  Shit, look at me if you really need some proof.  And if it can happen for me, it can happen for ANYONE......I am not a precious pony.

6.  Make your husband/wife list.  Make it!  PLEASE.  When you are ready.  It works.  I got everything I wrote on my list....EVERYTHING.  And....well, I forgot to wish for clean and tidy, sigh.

7.  Getting in shape and buying new makeup and revamping your wardrobe and losing weight are all awesome.  But, nothing can really fix the way you feel about yourself externally until you change the way you feel about yourself internally.  I tried to lose weight for YEARS before meeting Crush and I am just now able to do it because I feel safe, secure and loved.  My fiancé fell in love with me when I was at my absolute heaviest EVER and he still loves me for me.  I will get off my pedestal now and stop playing my violin, but true love is about so much more than the way you look. And we are ALL gorgeous, darlings.

8.  Reintroduce yourself to a few things that you missed from your life before this relationship ever happened.  These things make you happy and ground you and will help you re-identify with who you are as a person.

9.  A broken heart is a feeling like no other.  It is dark and scary and painful and parched.  It is heavy and deep and personal and lonely.  Trite as it is, the thin line between love and hate can be microscopic.  You will feel crazy.  You will feel FUCKING PISSED.  You will eat too much, drink too much and sleep too much.  But, you WILL FEEL.  And feeling emotion is this amazing thing that people can do.  You will forever really understand what all of the sad songs, movies and poems about love are all about. You will be moved.  And your outlook about what you deserve and who you allow yourself to date will change because you will have learned (sometimes it takes a few tries to get this one down......I liked to date alcohol and food abusers until I realized that 2 peas in a pod may make a party, but not a functioning relationship).

10.  Do not apologize for the person that you are.  Only apologize for the stupidity of the person you were once with because they could not appreciate all of your gifts.  For example, "I am sorry, but you will NEVER do better than me." Oh yes, and sometimes a simple, "FUCK YOU!!!!" can be very effective, too.

When life gives you lemons, try to make some lemonade and if you are too depressed for a little while to get the motivation to mix them with water and sugar, I highly recommend sipping on some Limoncello to take the edge off.

XXXXX,

R&F

So Much To Say AND So Hard To Say It

Hi out there!

I hope all is well and that everyone had a wonderful Tday.

I spent mine in South Carolina and it was lovely.  I missed my own family dearly, but I enjoy (most) of Crush's, so it was a nice celebration.

I have a lot to say and yet I feel myself pulling back.  I am censoring myself a bit which I don't like.  For a while, I played around with the idea of revealing more of myself and sharing photos and all that on this blog.  After much consideration, I finally decided that I just don't feel comfortable with this  right now.

I am still trying to get my legs here and life is great, but is it perfect? Of course not.  I had a bunch of less anonymous posts planned (they are in my draft box) and I felt major doubt and anxiety about unveiling myself every single time I went to press the publish button.  I have to trust my instincts.

I am in the process of looking for a full-time job blah blah blah and the REAL truth here: Crush's family is sadly VERY judgmental and I fear that if they read ALL of what I have said here and I have said a lot, well then, I guess I worry that they wouldn't like me and they wouldn't understand me.  Then, I stress that my fiance wouldn't want to marry me.....HOLY REVELATION TIME!!!!!!

I am me.  I am this person now and she is pretty great.  BUT, I have a past.  A past a bit juicer than Crush's.

Crush is getting better at being his own man, but he is very influenced by his family and that is actually a good thing because his parents are awesome and quite sensible.

But.....well, there is a big piece of this puzzle I am leaving out, so here goes.....

Let's just say that Crush's little sister is a force to be reckoned with and I don't want to face that force head on.  I am totally afraid of her in some ways because she is utterly unpredictable.  Her favorite current form of entertainment is looking up a Facebook profile of one of her "friends" and publicly ripping that person apart....ruthlessly. To say I find her appalling would be an understatement.  She is the text book definition of a mean girl.  The only silver lining,  I have experience with this type of gal.  I remember high school well and let's not even start with the countless vapid bridezillas I have dealt with over the last few years.  And perhaps even more important, Crush thinks she acts like an idiot too, but he is not one to ruffle feathers or speak his mind.  We are working on this.  I bet his family won't like it, but as much as I love his sweetness,  I also need some balls and a backbone.

She leaves me exhausted.

I don't think there is anyway to avoid having her as a bridesmaid even though I would seriously entertain eloping in order to avoid having her around me on my wedding.  She is just everything I am against and I find it very telling that Crush says that he "despises girls like his sister" because we are so different.  Any romantic fan of hers wouldn't be a fan of mine.

More to come on her, I have a whole post dedicated to her commentary.

Crush knows EVERYTHING about me, but of course, there are some personal things that his family doesn't.  Things from my past that I am sure they would find concerning.  I went through a phase where I dabbled in cocaine a little bit.  I have eating issues.  I used to drink because I was so depressed.  I used to get very angry.  I have been in several abusive relationships where I made myself a willing victim.

I am finding that by keeping to myself, being a good listener and staying friendly,  I am okay.  These are not traits that come easy for me.  All of my life experiences have come together as a coping mechanism.

I am thinking of continuing to blog here and then in due time, making a new public blog that shares more of my life openly.  There, things will be a bit more sunshine and rainbows as most public blogs are.  I want to tell the good and the bad, I just know that if I show my face, I will only tell the good and what fun is that to read, if you know it is STILL ME behind all of my shiny posts?  I am not a perfect person.  I never will be.

I guess the harsh reality is that I have everything I have ever wanted.  A bright future, a man that adores me (I am so lucky here) and future financial stability.  But, there is always something.   Starting with a mean girl sister-in-law is something not to be ignored.

When I Think of Heaven

I'm engaged!

Crush asked me last weekend and it has been an absolute whirlwind.

So much love has poured in from our families and friends, I am still waiting to connect with a few special people to share the big news.

The ring is perfect.  EXACTLY what I wanted and even more.  I thought it would take me a little time to get used to wearing my sparkles, but the truth is that I feel like it should have always been there.  From the very beginning, I felt engaged to Crush, we never really had a game playing or casual dating period.  It is nice now to feel safe expressing my feelings about Crush to everyone I meet, the ring let's me know that it is mutual.  In all of my past relationships, I felt like I was the one pushing to make it work.  That I wanted marriage more than my partner did.  Being on the same page makes the whole deal even sweeter.

I believe in heaven.  I believe in religion and spirituality and all that.  I know that some people don't and that's peachy, too.  Ideas beyond now are personal.

I was very close with my grandfather.  My dad's dad.  He passed away about 5 years ago and I have missed him every day since then.  I was in the room when he died and since, I have felt bonded to him more in his memory than I even did when he was alive.

When I was at the lowest depths of depression, I went to see a clairvoyant.  It was the BEST thing I ever did for myself. My grandfather told me to make a husband list and I did.

I have this beautiful idea that after I wrote my husband list, my grandfather received it and began walking all around heaven reading the list to anyone who would listen:

Grandpa: Merle, do you have a grandson?

Merle: Yes.

Grandpa: Is he tall, educated, and does he like music?

Merle: He is very smart, he listens to rap music, but he isn't too tall, a nice height, but 5'8" and likes little itty bitty ladies.

Grandpa: No, that won't work!
_________________________________________________________________

Grandpa: Samuel, do you have a tall, educated grandson who likes music?

Samuel: Yes.  But he is married.

Grandpa: No, that won't work!
__________________________________________________________________

Grandpa: Doris, do you have a grandson?

Doris: Why yes, I do.

Grandpa: Is he tall?  Does he like music? Did he go to college?

Doris: Yes.

Grandpa: Does he have straight teeth?  Does he respect his family?  Is he active?  Does he like to read?

Doris: Yes.

Grandpa: Does he refrain from getting drunk multiple times a week?  Is he sensitive?  Is he an independent thinker?

Doris: Yes.

Grandpa: Listen, I have a granddaughter who is really wonderful, but she is struggling trying to find a nice Jewish boy and I think your grandson could be perfect.

Doris: Dave, I wish I could help you, my grandson is such a mench, but he likes other boys and not girls.

Grandpa: No, that won't work!
__________________________________________________________________________

I think my grandfather asked everyone in heaven that he encountered about their grandsons.  He loved talking to strangers, never feared rejection, and was the least shy person I knew. Very tenacious.  The perfect matchmaker!  He would even give Patti Stanger  a run for her money.

A few weeks after I sent my husband list, Crush's grandmother died.  At this point, I think my grandfather was understanding just HOW HARD it is to meet the right guy.  I envision that out of desperation, he was now standing right next to the gates of heaven trying to snag the best matches for me ASAP.

I have a feeling that when Crush's grandmother passed through, my grandfather was shouting out grandson traits and every single soul floating by, ignored him, trying to get to their final destinations impatiently.  But, like a fine Southern lady, Crush's grandmother stopped to listen to my loud grandfather as she also wanted a match for her oldest grandson.  As one of many siblings and the only daughter in her large family, she could handle a man better than most, even a very silly and bubbly one from New York.

Mere weeks after Crush's grandmother passed,  I received my first email from Crush.  The rest is history.

Yesterday, we went to his grandmother's home.  The very home we will live in next year as a married couple.  Crush inherited her home and we plan to raise our own family there one day.

As we walked around the house making a list of what renovations we plan to make, we decided to head out to the backyard and I felt compelled to lay on my back and look up at the sky.  Crush joined me on the grass and a gentle breeze rolled in.  The same wind that I feel from time to time when I sense my grandfather is around.  It is a breeze that you can feel wrapped around you, but it is still.  It doesn't move the trees or leaves.  I screamed (Crush tolerates my crazy...BONUS!), "HI GRANDPA!!!" and tons of little birds flew into the yard tweeting.  Then, Crush yelled, "Hi, Nanny!!!" and a huge gust of wind blew in, this time blowing all of the great big shady trees in her own backyard.

As the branches swayed and the birds sang, we thanked our grandparents and I showed the sky my ring.  Then, the wind stopped suddenly and 2 tiny birdies landed at our feet. We felt the motionless breeze and they flew away, across the cloudless sky.

I didn't always believe in heaven until I met Crush.

I also didn't always believe in true love.

Partner in Crime

It feels good to have a partner in crime.

Someone to eat meals with.  Someone to take walks with.  Someone to help me carry my groceries up the stairs.

The transition from long distance to in-town love has been easy.  I must admit, much better than I expected.  I was a bit worried about how Crush and I would settle in.  Especially, because I really like my own personal space and I can be OCD tidy.  He wants to be next to me all of the time and he is an epic slob.  Yet, we are making this work because for the last year, I have been clear about my expectations and he has been clear about his.  There are no surprises and we are balancing being together wonderfully.

Something that I have always known about myself is that I require downtime.  Alone time where I can do some work (surf the Internet), watch Bravo, and examine my pores.  Yes, it isn't like I do much with the time, I just need it!

Something I hated when I was with Awful was his lack of understanding of my need to be alone.  To not have plans.  To not host guests for dinner more than 1 night a week.  He wanted people around him all of the time.  Being alone scares him, whereas being alone recharges me.

This week, Crush and I have been invited somewhere each and every day.  Brunches, lunches, suppers, cocktails, concerts, picnics.  People have showed interest in meeting me and I am very flattered, yet exhausted.  If these plans were just Crush and myself, I would be fine, but having to make an effort and  conversation aka "be on", well it takes a lot out of me.

Yesterday, over lunch, Crush mentioned going to a friends house on Saturday for an impromptu dinner party and I did something I was never able to do in the past without being massively passive-aggressive.  I said the following:

"Honey, I am really enjoying meeting everyone, but I am getting a bit tired.  I need some me time.  Time to sleep well, go to the gym, search for a job, and acclimate myself.  Whereas I love socializing, I also love staying in and watching TV and cooking just as much.  I want a chance to just have us time, so if possible, can we keep this week light with plans and ask them for a rain check in a few weeks?"

He then told me something that was like music to my ears:

"Yes, I often don't have plans like this.  Everyone wants to meet you and honestly, I am so tired and I am getting overwhelmed by all of this running around.  I just wanted to give you a chance to meet new people and make friends, so I didn't want to limit your opportunities here."

He is a sweet one.

The thing is that I am lucky.  At 32, I know I will make some more dear friends here and there, but I already have my friends for life.

It makes staying in with my Bravo and Trader Joe's frozen delicacies, even a bit more satisfying.

Not Meant To Be AND Meant To Be

Not Meant To Be: Crush and I did not make it to Memphis.  OY!  SO BUMMED!  I am going through a work issue that is a bit out of my control and I needed to stay in town to help my dear client (and someone I personally adore) with it.  Sometimes Too much of the time, my job requires me to put my own personal life totally aside in order to help people with their personal lives.  It is beyond consuming and one of the reasons I will be hanging up my hat doing this job full-time (I will always do it part-time as a part of me is very connected to it) for a while.  Excited to rejoin the corporate world.  I want my balance back and I have recently learned just how badly I need to work on defining my personal boundaries.

Crush was crushed about Memphis, but he totally understood and supports me.  He knows that I gave him a ton of my focus and time this past year (which led to a few of my firings....going out of town often was the direct culprit) and that I need to finish work here with an absolute bang!  Then, all of a sudden, there was a very unexpected death in his family and he wouldn't have been able to go himself anyway.  It was a sign.  I just don't think Memphis is meant to be for us for now.....we have tried twice and haven't made it, so we decided that Savannah is the next city that we will visit together for a quick weekend trip.  Bonus that it is driving distance from my new apartment.

Meant To Be: I will be in my new city in less than 30 days.  My awesome parents are joining me on my drive cross country, as retirees they have the time and I am honored to have them for the first leg of my journey.  Crush told me that he wants to speak to my Dad in person once we arrive and is hoping that they can spend some time together alone for lunch, made it clear that it would just be the two of them.  Eeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk!  I know my boyfriend and I know that he is very inclusive......I have my suspicions that he is going to ask my Dad for my hand in marriage like the good ole' Southern boy he is and I AM OVER THE MOON EXCITED!  Cross those fingers!

In an odd coincidence, my very first weekend down South, the same weekend I believe my hand may be given to Crush forever......

Awful Ex-Boyfriend will be married for the second time just slightly North of the US border.

Life goes on. 

Successes & Stumbles

HAPPY THURSDAY!!!!

It has been busy around here, but things are moving right along....

SUCCESSES -

1.  I am down 13.5 pounds.  I am taking it 5 pounds at a time.  Little by little and it is not as daunting as I thought it would be.  I am eating everything I want in moderation, I am exercising often (4-5 times a week), and I am using the tools I have been learning in therapy to manage my binge eating as best as I can.  Major improvement.  

2.  My new website is almost done.  EXCITED.  Just a few more tweaks, but then it will be up.

3.  Work-wise, things have been going well, even though I decided that everyone is a bit crazy.  That being said, I have surprised myself lately because I have been able to separate my work and the client based drama that negatively influences my work.  This year, all of my failures were mostly derived by a family member who was stirring the pot and then I would take the fall.  I have taught myself to stay above and out of the drama and overall, the results have been positive. Yes, I still get blamed for things that are not my fault and yes, there are still opinions that I did or didn't do something that I should or shouldn't have done, but I defer to my client and ONLY my client. Btw, I cannot wait to share more about my almost former job here....there are stories, stories, stories!!!!!

STUMBLES - 

1.  One of my challenges for my eating therapy was to eat a trigger food and see what happens...the thought process behind it is that no food is bad or scary and that with the right steps forward everything can be enjoyed.  Basically, taking the power away from the food.  I tried with Wheat Thins this week, a MAJOR trigger food for me.  I binged (nothing major, but definitely mindless eating) both times after I ate some.  It was a force that came over me....a routine.  I did what my body felt like it should do and binge it was.  This is something I am to try once a month and I can't wait for the day when those stupid crackers lose.

2.  I realized that I need to be nicer to Crush.  Like way nicer.  I am sometimes an absolute jerk to him.  He deserves and responds well to kindness and I know this and then I still act like an asshole.  Crush and I tell each other everything....so, I told him Awful was engaged the minute after I found out.  I admitted that I was a bit sad, but happy for him.  Crush's ex-fiance is in a very serious relationship and we have heard, that she will be engaged soon, too.  I do believe that after a super serious relationship that doesn't work out, often people marry their next boyfriend or girlfriend.  I am living it!  Crush was a bit emotional about his ex a few weeks ago, for the same reasons I was about Awful, the end of an era.  On Monday, mere hours after I found out about Awful's pending wedding, I received a beautiful bouquet from my boyfriend with a lovely note, "Anyone that doesn't want to marry you is a fool.  His loss, my gain.  Love you so and get down here already!" - Crush.  Swoon.

3.  I did a bad bad thing.  I know you all will throw sticks at me and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did it, so I am going to own it.  I have an impulse control issue....food, what I say, how I used to drink.  I know it.  I do discuss it in therapy because it's clearly a problem.....but, well, I emailed Awful with my congratulations.  YELL AT ME IF YOU NEED TO.  But, well, the truth is that I am pretty hard to find these days and I know Awful has been asking about me.  All of a sudden, I realized that it isn't because he still  has feelings for me, it is because he knows that he hurt me and now he is getting married so soon, less than a year after he met his lady.  I think he met his soulmate, too.  They seem super happy. Do I think he learned from our relationship?  I do.  But, I also think he is still a huge asshole.  It just seems like his new fiance is so different than me and his ex-wife, so I see that as a positive.  Change. I still feel bad for new fiance as dealing with Awful is a FULL TIME JOB! I think Awful was asking about me to make sure I am okay.  I went to therapy on Tuesday and I spent too much of my appointment chatting about him.  I came to the realization that I am indeed happy for him and I am also going to be careful about who I share myself with and what news I decide to share about my life (not here, in real life).   I can't trust anything anyone says about Awful to me and vice-versa.  Not, because the source is faulty, because no one really knows what exactly transpired between us and how long and drawn out and emotional the breakup was.   I didn't want there to be any hearsay about how I reacted about his engagement (which was chill) and I wanted him to know that I am fine and that I am happy for him (because I am, but mostly I am relieved!).  The door will never open back up on this and I know I seem insane and I know I could have been stronger, but I am sick of other people controlling my message.  He hasn't emailed back and I know he won't.  It was closure.  DONE.  I know you all must be sick about hearing about Awful and I apologize.  Last few drips of information.  If I was a reader....my thoughts would be"SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND ALREADY CRAZY PANTS!!!!!!".....noted!

Have a great week and I will back in full detail after the weekend....lots of work, but next week slows down!!!!

XXXX,

R&F

One Last Post About This....I Promise..but, Awful is ENGAGED!

I feel so childish even admitting this all and writing this post, but I can't deny my feelings. Here goes....

Since I am not on Facebook and I no one wanted to tell me the news, I am the LAST to know that Awful is engaged.

He got engaged a few months ago.

I am glad I did not have to process it in real time.

I was told about it in the midst of working and I didn't allow myself to think it through fully just in case I became too upset to pass it off as happy tears.  Work comes first.  Especially with my move coming.   Good current recommendations have been ample these last few weeks. WHOOT!  I am hitting my stride again.  I am proud of myself for getting back up after I was a bit beat down.

I mulled over the development silently all day yesterday, but I did share the news with Sissy and my parents.  My father (who likes Awful as a person, but hated him as my boyfriend) was beyond happy....."This news just made my day, now he is officially gone!" and then he literally skipped around......I actually share many of the same feelings as my Dad.

I gave myself permission to cry, but no tears ever came.

My friend who told me and is still connected to him through her husband says he asks about me all the time.  Lately,  I been thinking about him a lot, too.  Our relationship really didn't have an end.  I told him to leave me alone and he did.  He he bad and dark, but this last year, I have seen so much worse than him.  There is still some goodness in him.  It was there when I dated him and it hasn't gone away.

I hate him most for not wanting to marry me for not wanting to let me go either.

Awful was married for less than 2 years before we ever met.  He got engaged to his ex-wife less than 8 months after they met.  He was adamant that he couldn't propose to me until we really knew each other because he proposed to his ex-wife so soon.  He openly shared this with my family, my friends.  He would tell me, "I just can't make another mistake and marry so soon, I didn't even know my ex-wife and then I was legally bound to her....."

Well, I figured he had a girlfriend, but a fiancé......?!?!?!?!  He has been dating his fiance less time than I have been dating Crush....I think 7-8 months and he will be married in September.  Yes, THIS September.  I wonder if it is her second wedding, too. Just a few months to plan a wedding makes me think it will be a small affair.

There is a part of me that feels that she could be pregnant.  There is another part of me that thinks that he is afraid of being alone..."abandoned" as he calls it, so he jumped and put a ring on it quickly, to make sure he won't be left again.

If there is one thing that Awful hates, it is being alone.

I knew this and it is one of the reasons I jumped shipped, moved out in the middle of the day without warning when I broke up with him.  Every other time I tried, he made me stay.  I couldn't escape his pull when he was there, so I needed to do it by myself and for myself.

Most of all, I am feeling a bit rejected.  Yes, I dumped him.  Yes, I hate him.  Yes, I have a wonderful boyfriend.  I know this all seems silly and stupid and very entitled to even care, but the truth is that it still hurts to know that he needed two plus years with me to "figure it out" and he can propose to someone new and get married in less than a year.  I pains me to know that he loves someone so much more than he ever loved me.  Even though I am living this now with Crush, so I get it.

I am embarrassed.  That's it.  He fits better with his new gal.  We were a bad match.  I know this. Even though it is impossible and I am being junior high........I just want everyone to love me.  Adore me.  I am pathetic sometimes.

I get that I have a wonderful relationship with Crush and I may be engaged soon.  It worked out for all of us.  Crush and I think that Crush's ex may be engaged, too.  Happy endings for everyone.

Did I secretly wish that I would be married first?  Sure I did.  I am competitive and stupid once in a while.

True love isn't a race.  I know this.

I have been avoiding Awful like the plague, missing parties and events I fear he could be at, skipping restaurants and places we shared that I introduced him to.  Now, I feel safe again.  His engagement protects me.  I can visit some significant places that I love and not worry too much about seeing him.  Clearly, he is doing fine and has moved way way way on.

The last time Awful and I corresponded was over a year ago.

He was single.

Now, he will be married in a few weeks.

Things can change so fast.

Clean and Dirty

Sometimes I wonder how lucky I am to still be alive.

I was never really into hard drugs, but I did a bunch of stupid shit in my life.  I loved getting wasted, I made moronic decisions and I took insane risks.

For some reason, I am SUPER sad about the recent passing of Finn from Glee.  I only watched the first season before I tired of it, but he seemed kind and reminded me of a boy in high school I once crushed on so super bad.  I made him out to be this pure person without knowing anything about his personal non-Glee life.

Heroin terrifies me.  I just don't get it, but I have never tried it.  I have seen Intervention and Trainspotting and sitting on a bare mattress with your eyes all rolled back in your head drooling while you pee and vomit and poop yourself.  Not sexy.

If we want to glorify a drug, let's dump an eight ball of coke on the table and snort it up before we dance on the table with our high heels on.

In a past life, I loved smoking pot.  I am better stoned than drunk.  I get silly, I tell stories, I love listening to music.  I am actually good high company.  Trust me.  I also get the munchies super bad, so it isn't something I would partake in so much these days in light of my food issues.  Oh yeah, I also have no brain cells or memory left to spare from all of my years of living the high good life.

Crush is pure.  He isn't much of the party pants.  He can count the times he has been really drunk on 2 hands.  He has never smoked pot and I respect him.  Hell, I was always susceptible to peer pressure because I wanted to escape from myself and fit in.  I give him great credit for being able to be himself, unaltered.

But, Crush is DIRTY.  Dirty in bed and dirty in life.

The dirty in life gets to me much worse than the other kind of dirty.

Crush lives in a way that is disgusting to me.  Messy.  Shit everywhere.  His white t's have a brown tint from the way he washes them.  His toilet reminded me of the grossest bathroom in America which just so happens to be at a bar at my alma mater.  The icing on the gross cake was him telling me that he hasn't washed his bed sheets or towels in months when I asked him.  And yes, I knew the answer before I inquired as everything in his place smelled a little sour, like a frat house.

I have never stayed at his place because filth like his gives me the creepy crawly willies.  IT MAKES ME HAVE NIGHTMARES.

Yet, I was once SO DIRTY.  Like when I think back on how I used to live in college and my early 20's, I gag.  Yes, I just gagged.  I was so super disgusting that I was almost equal to Crush.  I should have saved my rent money because I could have lived in a dumpster with my former standard of cleanliness.

I used to admire my friends for being able to live so neatly.  It didn't come easily to me and then one day I woke up and I was living alone and had some space and my own closets and the OCD set it.  Clean as a whistle.

If Crush will let me, I will help him clean out his place little by little before we ever move in together.  It isn't exactly Hoarders bad, but it is FAR from good.

I may call College Hunks Hauling Junk to help Crush reduce his mess.

I will have me some dirty thoughts of my own while we get clean.

Facebook Feelings

As I have mentioned before, I am not a fan of Facebook.  It the midst of moving back home and hitting rock bottom, I deactivated my account because it was too much for me to handle.  I was jealous of everyone's life (again with the jealousy...oy!) and their good fortune.  Facebook made me even more insecure, bitter, and depressed.

Perhaps I am a trendsetter because I have been hearing musings that Facebook is lame.  From Smartie Best Friend who is all up on technology and a 24 year old client who is on her iPhone non-stop whenever we meet.  Apparently, Twitter and Instagram are actually all the rage right now......I may have made it through to the other side....FB may be on it's way out!  Dying a slow death like Myspace.

Crush pretends he doesn't like Facebook, but he does.  He thinks it is stupid, a time waster, and really abrasive, but he has tons of Facebook friends and sends my (our) friends and my family messages on FB, so he isn't above it, if he is participating.  He logs on everyday, so he is an active member.

BEWARE: Awful mention coming....(I know I said I wouldn't mention him, but it is an important detail to my story)

Well, through 1 friend or family member, Crush was able to view Awful's profile.  I guess Awful doesn't lock it (I don't know how FB works, so please excuse my terminology if it is all wonky) and Crush took the opportunity to scour his page, mostly his photos.  He saw it all, including several old photos of us that are still up there (I wish Awful would take them down, but not at the risk of speaking to him).  Crush told me that I "look sad and really defeated" in all of Awful and my old photos and I agree.  I see that same sadness when I have looked at old photos of us, too. Crush knows me well.

In another development, Crush's ex-fiance has a new boyfriend.  Crush found this out by stalking her on Facebook.  He claims that it showed up in his newsfeed because he didn't defriend her, only blocked her access to his profile, so he can see some things about her.....

SIDE NOTE:  So, FB now gives you the option to be virtual frenemies with someone?  They can use your existence to up their total "friends" count, BUT, then you can't even stalk them....In my opinion, the one benefit of Facebook is the stalking! 

So, Crush called me to tell me about his ex's new dating status.  And then figured out who the guy she is now dating is from LinkedIn.  Then,  Crush Googled stalked him real good and found out everything about him including where he went to school, where he lives now (with Crush's Ex), and his current job.

Crush is SUPER happy about this development because he felt really guilty about how badly he hurt her (broke off their engagement a few months into planning) and wanted her to find someone.  I told him months ago that I had a feeling that she was dating someone (just like how I sensed it with Awful...me and my sensing!) and we both wished them them best, so we can all move on with life.

BUT, as nosy as I can be sometimes, I didn't like that he shared this information with me.  I felt like it wasn't truly our business.  That Awful and Ex-Fiance deserve (she more than he) their privacy and happiness without our cyber stalking....but this is just the world we live in.

A few nights ago, I even asked Smartie Best Friend to cyber stalk an old college pal for me, so I am not innocent myself.

My feeling on all this is pretty simple.  I believe in things naturally occurring in life because they are supposed to.  I think there is a greater power out there and if you stay tuned-in and present, sometimes the world gives you the very information you need.  For example, how I have seen Awful 3 times out on his motorcycle and every time he has been with a lady...I am pretty sure that the last 2 times, it has been the same gal.  I feel like I was supposed to see it, that it was a moment in time granted to me.

I often ponder about how Facebook forces this magical serendipity that life can grant.  That FB plays with my fate and best outcome because I know too much about people I shouldn't.  12 years ago, you would find out about an old acquaintance getting married and having a baby by running into them on the street (or maybe your friend would and they would later tell you)....not by seeing every single detail of their relationship from their first date to their trip home from the hospital with their new bundle of joy.

I find it all to be exhausting.  I know it isn't healthy for me.  Especially for my anxiety.

I swear, if I was born 100 years ago, technology wise, I would have still been behind.

I explained this to Crush and whereas he doesn't completely agree with me, he understands my point of view.  He apologized for looking and told me that he wouldn't browse at Awful again (it is so tempting, so if he does, I understand!).  He also let me know that Awful seems very interesting and intelligent and he likes me more for dating someone so "conventionally unattractive" because I am obviously not into looks......I may have almost choked on my coffee when he said that.

I know my feelings about FB are not the majority.  If I could handle it, I would partake, too.

I guess it would be an equal time waster as my almost hourly Daily Mail obsession.

Going to Graceland

Crush and I planned to not see each other at all this summer.  I am super busy finishing up my work obligations and I am focusing on bettering myself with diet, exercise, and therapy.  When I get in the zone, it is best for me to stay there a while.

The other day, Crush called me to tell me that he just had to see me.  Atypical behavior for him as he is often a cool customer.  Crush shared that he would love to spend a few days away just the 2 of us.  His treat.  In neither of our hometowns, so we can relax, sleep in, and do whatever we want to do.  Crush would plan and book all of the details.  How could I say no?

We actually need this little trip very much.  The last few visits have been full of events, family, and friends.  We have had many incredible times in the company of the ones we love, but we haven't had a just us visit since NYE.

I like alone time with my significant other.  Many of my past relationships didn't allow for this after a while and I believe that in some ways it is what helped destroy the bonds that started strong and weakened over time.  Couples need to plan the "just the 2 of us" time even if it is a mere date a few times a month to reconnect.  There has been so much excitement about the future that Crush and I have lost a bit of the we that we shared in the beginning.

So, in 5 weeks, Crush and I will be heading to Memphis.  We plan to tour Graceland, Sun Studios, and the Gibson Guitar Factory.  We will tear up the town on Beale, see the ducks parade at The Peabody Hotel, and have some nice suppers.  Crush said it best, "I just want to have fun with my miss" and I agree, I can't wait to walk hand in hand, have some happy hour cocktails overlooking the Mississippi River, and order late night room service.  I plan to even bring my workout clothes, so I can balance the BBQ with some cardio.  I have learned that even the littlest changes in the right direction can create some big results.

Crush and I will also celebrate our first anniversary of correspondence and Mister Crush's 35th birthday while we are in Memphis.  Last year, the week I will now be spending with Crush in Memphis, I spent with Smartie Best Friend down South while she helped her gorgeous littlest sister acclimate to college at a major institution in a little sleepy state.  I had an incredible time: I got mistaken for a mom (of a college aged kid!) several times, drank many incredible martinis, and had out of control good sushi and Thai.  I reminisced about college, felt old, felt thankful that I wasn't in college anymore (I need my sleep now), and I even slept on a freshman door room floor after I had a 2 hour laughing fit with Smartie and her sis about it (I think my back still hurts from this...!).

I remember telling Smartie Best Friend about this guy on Match.com who lived in a different city than me and no way or how did I EVER expect that a year later I would be moving 1200 miles towards a new life with him.  I must admit that I was a bit of a bitter betty on the college trip as I was feeling very desperate, alone, and lost.  I started this blog soon thereafter....never thinking that I would meet Crush in person in October and we would fall in love so quickly.

It is a pretty neat story now that I think about it.  I wished for my Crush on a Florida trip with 1 of my best friends in June 2012 and sent my first email back to Crush on a college trip with 1 of my best friends in August 2012....KISMET!

I have said it before and I will say it again, you just never know when your life will change....

Have any of you glorious readers been or live in Memphis?  If so, please share some of your hot spot and restaurant recommendations.  We will be doing mostly touristy stuff, but I know it is always best to ask suggestions from those in the know when it comes to music, food, and booze.  Any ideas are appreciated!!!!

Motorcycles, Migraines, and Mania

Motorcycles: 

Third time is a charm, indeed!  I saw Awful yesterday in rush hour traffic on 1 of his many motorcycles.  He was weaving in a out of traffic like a wobbly jerk and from that riding style alone....I knew it was him.  He had a lady on the back, someone I presume is his new main squeeze as they were wearing matching helmets....Now, when I tell you what I did....I am giggling while I type this, because, who am I?!....it will be clear that I have a screw loose....because I followed him.  Before everyone gets their undergarments all in a ruffle, in my defense, he cut me off, not knowing it was me, and because I have become much more chill than months past, I calmly muttered to myself, but did not open the window and yell "F*CK OFF!" as old me may have done....but, his a-hole riding did catch my eye because it was so dangerous and unsteady and stupid.....textbook Awful.

He was wearing his navy fleece vest with his boat name on the chest (which he loves), a rolled up button down shirt, khaki shorts,  and his boat shoes.  Basically, his summer uniform.  I actually did enjoy the way Awful dressed as I love prep, but honestly no one does prep better than my Crush (prep school will bring out the authentically prep in anyone!) and Smartie Best Friend's Hubby....cause she dresses him SO WELL in tons of preppy pink.

 So....back to the stalking....I followed Awful off the exit ramp (1 exit earlier than my destination), to get a better look and then I pulled up right beside him and stared.  Yes.  I open mouth stared.  I have no idea what came over me.  We locked eyes.  And.....well......he gave me a goofy wave....and something came over my body and I waived back....!  

I am not sure if he connected it was me, it seemed like more of a reaction to the lady (ME!) staring at him.  He was wearing sunglasses, so I am not sure if there was recognition in his eyes.  But, I can tell you this....he is no longer thin and a part of me felt bad about that...because here I am all rejoined at WeightWatchers for the upmteenth time....weight loss is a bitch!

When we broke up, he went a a HUGE diet, I think to prove me wrong (I wanted him to lay off the sauce and he did when we broke up and only when we broke up and went on a starvation plan and lost like 50 pounds in mere months) and seeing him big again, well it pulled at my heart strings.  Because I know how hard it is to struggle with the weight and we did have emotional eating in common.  We just brought out the worst in each other in every way possible. I didn't get a super good look at his main squeeze, but she was thin and petite (like his ex-wife) and she looked into him and my goodness.....I know, crazy talk here, but I am happy for him and I think that this interaction was the peace, perhaps.  I saw him, he appears to be in a relationship, he looks worse than when I saw him last, and we waived.....the end. Do I still hate him?  Yes.  But, do I feel a new sense of closure.  Yes.

Now, the only thing I would have done differently had I been engaged, was waive my left hand and not my right...but, Crush and I just aren't there yet...more to come on that down below.

Migraines: 

I had the worst one I have ever had in my life last night.  Right behind my eyes.  I couldn't do anything but lay in the dark and moan and throw up.  It is stress related.  I never got them before this past year and I this is my third major one....not fun.

Mania:

Lately, Crush and I have been fighting.  Major blowouts.  I shouldn't engage with him, but I do.  He still hasn't been able to tell me where I should live (small town or city), and I decided a while back, I was just going to do the city...Well, I then got an email saying, "if you do not live in the same place as me, I will understand, but it may delay our process as a couple.."

AND RECORD SCRATCH.

Are you threatening me, my dear Crush?

You see, I know he is working on a ring for me because I live with my folks and they told me....really when he asked them for my ring size, which I had to get measured for especially now that I am fluffy and gained some poundage.  Secret agents (my parents) told me that he is now working with a jeweler in the Big Apple to design me some shine, so I want my sparkles (really I want to begin my next phase in life and shhhhh....I really just want to have a baby...shhhhh, but true, I am years past wanting to be a bride, but I do love me a party, so we will see, we will see), but mostly, I don't want to be given ultimatums WHEN MY BOYFRIEND OF 10 MONTHS CANNOT TELL ME WHERE TO LIVE IN HIS STATE!!!!!!!

Oy, oy, oy.

I will mention this again because I have to keep telling myself this....Crush has an issue with processing, so making decisions.  He has no problems as far as I am concerned as he is intelligent, comes from AN AWESOME (love them more everyday) family, owns a home and is about to own another....and oh yes, he has more money in the bank than most people I know at our age (or my Dad's)...so, champagne problems here people...but, my man cannot decide where to live because he makes such a big deal OUT OF EVERYTHING that simple decisions (like what to eat for lunch) are hard for him.  Good news: I noticed this early on and encouraged him to see a therapist and now he is and I am seeing some change (you can't change a man, but sometimes you can encourage one!).....I think his email being all ballsy is a way of communicating his independence...so, I did what I do best and I emailed him back:

"Listen, you are the one I want to be with and I cannot wait any longer to apply for jobs, redo my website, and put a security deposit down on a place to live.  You snooze, you lose.  I guess, if you don't want to propose unless we live in the same place, then, well, we may not be engaged as soon as you led me to believe because you cannot give me the name of where I should live.  I am fine dating as long as you need to figure things out....I guess this is just a wait and see sort of thing now, but my life is moving forward with or without your "PLAN" because I have been waiting for a final one since February.  I am making things too easy for you and you struggle with decisions, so now I am deciding for me and I am living in the city and plan to get myself settled there."

I realize that as much as I love Crush and adore him, I need to worry about ME.  And I am pretty sure that ME will become US, but at the end of the day...

Well, I am the person that needs to come first now.

Bossy Pants

Happy Friday out there!

I have so many things to post about...I couldn't decide what.....I love days like this when I am feeling inspired.  A few posts I am currently working on: the time I "sold" vacuum cleaners in college, how I was pranked by a former client earlier this week, a new summer smoothie recipe, and an ode to my Sissy who is seriously the best and is now potty training Big Baby (who had an accident this morning which involved a #2 rolling down the stairs), so she gets extra props!

But, today on this sunny Friday, I wanted to talk about another thing I am working on....my bossiness.

Yes, I am bossy.

I am really insecure, although there is a part of me that has always been a natural born leader.  I think because I have always been a tall gal, in school, I was treated as more mature and people never believed I was the age I really was (they always thought I was way older), so I developed a maturity beyond my years.

I remember being at a party in college and the song "Bossy" by Kelis came on and a bunch of my friends turned to me and started singing it.....it clicked....I AM BOSSY!  I always sorta knew it.

Well, as I have gotten older and my confidence has weaned a ton, I am no longer that bossy.....I just have this fear to really speak my mind and if I did it all the time (or if I drank all the time and the truth just fell out of my mouth like it used to to college)....well, I would be super paranoid and I really need to work on just owning my feelings and not caring what other people think about me (note for my therapist who I shared this blog with!)

So, well, there is only 1 person who I feel compelled to really boss around...You know who it is....ironically my soul mate and the very same person who treats me like a princess...Crush!

I KNOW I KNOW.  What is wrong with me?

I guess, I just need to feel control.  There is a part of me that craves knowing that someone would do anything for me and I test him.  I find myself picking a fight with Crush about every 2 weeks, or really overreacting about stupid stuff he does and then not letting it go.  I know this is bad and I am sharing this because I need to stop doing it.

I spent a lot of last night tossing and turning in bed thinking about it.  I then continued to think about it this morning during my workout.....the conclusion I came to is actually pretty simple and something I already knew....I simply do not trust men.

And I have my own personal reasons because of my own life experience.  Let's see.....I dated a sociopath I found in bed with someone, I dated a man who didn't want to be seen with me in public until I lost 30 pounds, and then there was Awful....a man who promised me the world and couldn't come through with anything......and that well, on the most basic level, he didn't want to marry me....

I am over Awful.  I never really loved him.  I just associate him with the beginning of the worst phase of my life and the starting line of the last 4 years of my somewhat failure.  But, I like to pass blame, the same way I like to hold a grudge...again, I am working on some things in great detail!

While I was away last week down South....my parents, Crush, and I were enjoying some ice cream at the beach (I know, things could be worse!) and a man who looked a lot like Awful (aka short and rotund) drove by on a large motorcycle (Awful was OBSESSED with motorcycles) twice.  My mother, the mature ladylike creature she is, burst out laughing without restraint for 3 minutes straight, before announcing that "that little man on the motorcycle reminds me so much of someone...I feel like it was a sign from above."  Everyone at the table including Crush knew just who she was referring to....Crush loves when I tell him how Awful and I would fight on the regular about Awful's motorcycle obsession (4 at 1 point in the small garage and to be fair 1 of those was a scooter for me that I couldn't ride and he really loved which was indeed adorable...not him the scooter), especially because he would tell me that he couldn't afford a ring.  Funny and sad all at the same.....as life sometimes is.

I have to admit something.  I am over Awful, but the thought of that relationship and the pain it caused me is something that haunts me everyday.  I know because of that relationship, I will never be the same.  On a superficial level, I think it is because I am still carrying the weight of our relationship around, literally.  I gained most of the weight I cannot lose while I dated Awful.  And these pounds are still on me.  And until they drop off, the past is, too.  It is something I think about when I pass up on a treat I am craving for emotional purposes.  I am finding willpower through the thought that I "want to become who I was before Awful...and that means less of me"

And I am okay with all this because I am a better person because I dated Awful.  I learned a lot.  Reflection and hindsight is cleansing.  But, I don't think we had the best closure.  I emailed him to leave me alone (and when I read I now, I cringe because I was still in so much pain....but, the good news is that he has indeed left me alone!) and he thinks I owe him money (which I actually do intend to pay him eventually when I am married and living outside of the Midwest because I want him to go away forever and shhhh....I want to send him some correspondence with my married name as immature as that may be) because I just don't want to bring the past into my present and future.  I believe that a lot of my current anxiety is because I am wrapping up the past in my heart and reflecting on my coping mechanisms....bossy being one of them and let's not even get back into the food on this happy Friday!

Crush doesn't deserve my bossiness.  Yes, he frustrates me and he drives me bonkers and he says things he sometimes doesn't mean and he doubts my sincerity sometimes because I like to joke and can be dry and did send him a 4 carat ring I like (that is the same cut as the 1 I do want) and titled the email as "Nice ring, but 2 carats too shy of what I dreamed about all of my life since I was a little girl while I twirled in the mirror wearing my great-grandmother's wedding dress" and it was a joke joke joke (NEVER DID THAT WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND I WAVER BACK AND FORTH ON EVERYTHING WEDDING RELATED WHEN IT PERTAINS TO ME AND CARAT SIZE IS IRRELEVANT TO ME), but Crush love is literal.  Too literal.

My favorite part of the entire meet the parents weekend was when my mom, deep into her pinot grigio, told my man, "we are so lucky to have you, I love you, you are the best, BUT lighten up!" OMG.  From the mouth of moms!

So, as I chill the hell out and get the hell out of here, I don't want to be a bossy pants.  It isn't an identity as much as a coping mechanism and it makes me feel sick and bad whenever I partake......

As Smartie Best Friend let me know after I shared my "promise ring" news......

"I love Crush because he never plays games with you and let's you know where you stand.  You need that."

And she is right (duh!).  I don't need to be bossy with this 1 because we are on the same page...now we just need to be in the same city permanently.

Memories In The Making.....The Parents Meet!

The trip was a total success.  Better than I imagined.  I am floating on a cloud…….and…..in a very traditional Southern turn of events, I have been somewhat lavaliered.  Yes, lavaliered….

Not is the Greek system sense as it doesn’t have any fraternity ties, but, Crush gave me his prep school class ring today after lunch with a grand speech about how it is traditional to give a class ring from his particular school before an engagement ring and he wants me to know that he is starting the process.  He chose to tell me this in the midst of a 3 mile walk around town in the middle of the day when it was 92 degrees and 100 percent humidity.  I was also wearing jeans and needing a cold drink badly and we were on our way to get 1 for me.  I was so confused as to what was exactly going on (was he about to propose!?) that I nearly fainted!

Not yet, but we are getting closer.  Almost to Phase 2 we are…..he told me that I should wear the ring on my left hand ring finger to “warm it up” for the next couple months.  Swoon. 

Also, I have huge fingers for a lady and he mentioned that he can’t wear the class ring on any of his fingers anymore (he was a LATE bloomer and grew about 8 inches during college), but it fits my left hand ring finger perfectly.  Again, I am not at all surprised because things with us always seem to be this way, but still…what are the chances?

Crush told me he will be coming back out to the Midwest 1 more time to “talk to my Daddy” this summer and that his Momma and he are beginning to work on picking out my ring……In an odd turn of events, my Mom’s ring and his Momma's are exactly the same setting, just with a different shaped  diamond!   Crush's Momma has phenomenal taste and I admire her fashion sense, poise, and kindness.  I am VERY happy that she will be involved in the process.  I think it is super sweet and a huge compliment that she wants to help him with the ring. 

I am NOT just excited about a ring (which I am), but to spend my life in a place I LOVE with a man I LOVE.  I truly believe that Crush is the ONLY man for me and this trip out gave me tons of confidence that my future will be bright.  Better than I ever dreamed.  I can’t wait to be the lady I have always been in my heart.  To emerge from my cocoon.

So….the parents meeting….well….it was JUST PERFECT!!! Everyone got on like a house on fire and the folks just clicked.  The weekend went by in a flash!  2 suppers with his folks, 1 show with his folks, 1 concert with his folks, 1 lunch with his lovely Grandmomma, 1 trip to the beach, 1 trip to Crush’s home town and many many many sites in between….sunsets, singing, fried chicken, white wine, champagne toasts, and ice cream cones.  HEAVEN.  I also worked out everyday I was there which is a huge accomplishment in itself....I just feel SO good in the South! Everything is easier for me. 

My folks just like me, felt right at home.  There is simply nothing like Southern hospitality.  Common courtesy, patience, social grace and manners, and best of all, everyone is super friendly! 

I am sorry to say, but my current city is just missing it all…..and it may just be me, but I personally feel that here, I lose a little faith in humanity day by day.  The mean girls.  The backstabbing.  The crime.  The violence.  The racial tension.  The road rage. The political corruption.

And I know that in my future state, things are not perfect.  Perfection doesn’t exist, but the simple acknowledgement of life does.  Pregnant ladies (all ladies as a matter of fact!) are offered seats, doors are held open, people who know each other…even just a little bit, actually stop to say “hello” and do not pretend to not see one each other (I am guilty of this in my city as I feel like it is just the way to conduct myself socially), store clerks and servers smile, exchange pleasantries, and make eye contact.  It is so refreshing.  I hope it never changes.  I LOVE IT!

It makes me feel like I have purpose, the friendliness….that the world cares about the people in it.  I feel at peace and it brings out the best in me.  I smile and wave and chat and hug and compliment and walk with my head held high.  I stand up straight and make healthy choices for my mind and body. 

When I am down South, my anxiety is minimal, my confidence is sky-high, and my need to binge eat is non-existent.  It is such a huge indication of how environment is a major trigger for me.  If I do not like where I am, it is hard for me to be myself.  It is shocking that my location has such a great influence on my feeling of self-worth.  But at 32 years old, I still have so much life left ahead of me (let's hope!!!).  I know when I move, I will not only let go of the past things that have hurt me, I will celebrate how far I have come in order to get to a peaceful place for me. 

Just like how I sent my “Husband List” out to sea last June to my grandfather, I plan to send a letter out to the universe to all of the people that have hurt me in September when I move.  I plan to list why they hurt me, what I could have done better, and what I have learned.  I will send it out at my happiest place on Earth (Crush’s beach house) and then it will all be in the past and given to the powers above, if you will.  I do believe that forgiveness is necessary for progress and I want to be the best and brightest I can be for me.

This weekend I learned more about Crush’s past, present, and future.  His family is so utterly fascinating.  Trend-setters.  Barrier breakers.  Entrepreneurs.   Charitable beyond comprehension.  I know why he kept so much a secret.  I would have, too…..I understand it all now.  History.  I am encouraging him to write a book.  He has a story to tell. He is truly one of a kind and a product of his environment.  I say this now as only a compliment.

The future holds so much good.  The present is being wrapped up now.  I love and care for my clients dearly and I will DO WHATEVER I CAN to make everything the absolute best it can be.

I want to leave on a high note, especially since I have heard terrible rumors and lies about me.  It is time to prove myself to myself….my final swan song in a place I cannot wait to not call home.

The past will finally be in the past and my future is so clear and near, I can taste it.  

Live life now, but dream big. 

Feeling Nervous

Crush is coming to town tonight.  In the middle of rush hour on a holiday weekend.  On the flight I specifically asked him NOT to take because I will sit in no less than 3 hours trying to go 40 miles to get him and that doesn't include the ride after he joins me in the car.  Get me OUT of this city....NOW!  PLEASE!!!!!!

There is a reoccurring theme unfortunately....Crush's inability to hear what I say sometimes....or maybe it is just me?

Sometimes these days, I think it is me.

I feel that as I am changing, maybe the things I say....I am not really staying correctly, or maybe I am not explaining things well.....sometimes Crush makes me feel crazy....but, I know why and I will share it later on in the post.

There is a thin line between love and hate and I want to stay on the love side of things!

This week, I didn't love Crush more than I did last week.

I feel like in our relationship thus far, every second since I met him, I have loved him a bit more.

I almost think about my love for Crush as a graph...with the line going up and up from week to week...but this week...well, my love for him stayed the same.

PLATEAU!

Is the honeymoon over????

Crush is FRUSTRATING ME!  He still doesn't have a plan for where we will live next year and it keeps going back and forth from the city to the country.  Flip-flopping.

No regard for my career search which I already started or the fact that I need to find a way to support myself next year, too.

After 1 week of almost hourly back and forths and over explanations of Crush's future plans....my psoriasis flaring the worst it ever has from stress, and gaining 5 pounds from eating every single second instead of calling him and telling him off.....

I decided, I am moving to the city.

With OR without him.

It is what I wanted to do anyway.  The original plan.  And we can still get engaged and just not live in the same place..... Crush has a place to live in both towns and since we won't be living together before we say "I do"....I don't have anything, yet...(I KNOW...we could just live together, BUT, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO and I made that mistake before with Awful...I cannot move in with someone again....it would be insane for me though I know it works beautifully for many people including my parents and even Sissy!).

We are 3 1/2 months out from my move and I don't have the time to wait.....sorry, Crush....I am moving across the country for you....the 55 mile difference between city and country isn't my biggest concern anymore....that seems close compared to nearly 1,300 miles of distance from here to down South.

I need a good job.  Something I will be proud of.  A position that can integrate me into the city. And unlike him, my family cannot just create a roll for me....he is lucky, he is.

Crush doesn't mean to be selfish, but he is.  Sometimes he will talk about himself for 30 minutes before he asks me a single question about my day....it annoys me.  But, up until Wednesday, I never even thought to mention it.  To point it out...

Now, what I briefly mentioned above...the WHY is Crush the way he is?

Well, I have skirted around this issue a bit and I now feel like I have a better grasp on explaining it.  Crush has a processing issue.  A learning disability.  It seems like a real legit bad case of ADHD or ADD (I am not a doctor....).  The messes, the inability to plan, the needing extra time to do anything, the impulsive decisions that aren't always the best....

I think it was undiagnosed for far too long.  I don't know how anyone missed it as I picked up on it from the very first long email he sent me.....I thought...."wow, this guy is super smart, but his organization and sentence structure..hmmmmm, he is very hard to follow..." and this comes from me....a person who isn't even a great writer (I am not fishing for any compliments, I truly know that my grammar needs HELP!)...

I asked Crush if he had any learning issues before we even met, to take the pressure off of him to feel the need to overcompensate.  I don't know how it wasn't "discovered" until he was in the midst of failing horribly in a masters program?!  The fact that he graduated from college with honors without time extensions baffles me.  It hurts my heart to say this, but I think he worked EXTREMELY hard and since he has family connections, he could have glided through better than most with his same condition.  I read his final thesis and considering where he went to school (a school considered FAR better than mine) it wasn't what I would consider an "A", but what do I know?!

Crush has manners and is gentile, so that covers up a lot of awkwardness, but the truth is that he is horrible in social situations and as I have explained before, without a lot of knowledge about how the world works, sometimes.

His protected and charmed life has helped him pass-on through easily, but in many ways, I know I am helping him "see" how to relate and react to people.  I am teaching him how to ask questions and make casual conversation.  1 of the first parties I went to with him I noticed that he socialized by moving around the room and telling every single party-goer the same exact story.  Once he passed the general pleasantries of "how are you?", he went right into a tale of how we almost got robbed (tis true) and how I saw it before he did (again true), but the story was highly dramatic and inappropriate for the happy occasion we were celebrating.  When I told him that I thought perhaps he could practice listening and not talking AT people (I can be guilty of this too!)...it was a total revelation for him...all of his life, he has been getting through his countless social requirements by repeating a story he prepared to share before he arrived...it makes me tear up just thinking about it AND I have MAJOR social anxiety myself.  It was his coping mechanism.  He doesn't have many close friends (he has TONS of distant friends though) because he doesn't know how to open up, to share, to relate, to listen.

I know I seem like a bitch right now.......but, well.....but...

I am not THAT excited to see my boyfriend this afternoon......I feel rather "whatever" about it.  It is scaring me.

I went out for coffee with a male friend yesterday and he looked sexy to me in a way that he never has before and I am all WHAT IS HAPPENING!?  I had to tell myself...."GET IT TOGETHER!!!!"

Yet, I know what is happening truly on the inside....I am scared.

Time is getting closer to when I leave and I know that I may be engaged in a few months and it seems SO final....like I never thought anyone would want to marry me and now someone does and I always sabotage....I always don't let the goodness find me....I fuck it up before I can get to that final good spot.

I get so close to greatness and I let it go.  I like to fail.  I don't know why.  But, I feel like I don't deserve success even though I KNOW NOW I DO.  This is a baby relapse, but a step back nonetheless and I want to own it.  To realize that it is happening while it is happening in real time.  To not let the quicksand suck me in....so tempting it can be.

I MAKE A VOW TO MYSELF NOW:

I AM NOT GOING TO FAIL THIS TIME! 

Yes, my boyfriend has faults, but overall he is a winner.  He is ALL I ever wanted.  He isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me.  Crush is my soulmate.  I know in my heart.  99 percent of the time, nothing in the world makes more sense than our love.....

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, unlike Awful, I am not telling you this to convince myself, I truly believe it.

It is time for me to get to the gym, to shave my legs, to pack my lingerie for the long weekend, and to appreciate that someone loves me for ALL of my flaws ....which are NOT few and far between.

If you made it here...thank you for reading that roller coaster post. I didn't know where it was going until it came to a dead stop and here we are.

HAPPY FRIDAY ALL!