THANK YOU ALL for your wonderful feedback and for reading. I find great satisfaction from sharing my CORE here. I know that life online is often sunshine and flowers and if I wasn't anonymous, mine would be, too. Who wants to post the bad stuff about themselves publicly? NOT ME! I give great credit to the people online who put it ALL out there with their name AND face. I have a major confidence crush on all of YOU!
I love sharing my real story because I know it is a story so many of us share. As people, we have dealt with successes and failures. We have yearned for something that didn't work out. We have had our hearts broken. Struggled with our self confidence. Experienced emotional anguish and friends that couldn't give us what we really needed. And then we jumped online and we googled our whoa and we ended up on a message board or blog or website and we didn't feel so alone anymore.
The struggle with my body has been long and dark. I have wanted thin for so long that I forgot why I even wanted it at all. I have always associated health with being skinny and they are not the same. When I was at my thinnest, I abused food, exercise, drugs and alcohol. I was on tons of antidepressants. I yearned to be accepted by men and included by women. I craved love. I feared that the word "fat" would be associated with my name.
I fought with food.
I went through periods where I wouldn't eat more than diet soda and broccoli. I got thin. I binged so regularly that my stomach could easily accommodate an entire medium Chicago deep dish pizza (this is no small feat….I could have probably taken Adam from Man vs. Food at an eating competition!). I got fat. I got on the scale and cried. I got thin. I drove miles to stores where no one would see me, so I could buy larger pants. I got fat. I restricted so much that bridesmaid dresses had to be taken in three full sizes to fit my new starved shaped. I got thin.
I avoided mirrors. I avoided full fat dairy. I avoided plans out with friends. I avoided the bread basket and open bottles of wine. I avoided scales. I avoided a break in my routine. I avoided sleeping in and giving my body a break from the rigorous torture I was making it endure.
And then I was thin again.
Life was supposed to be perfect now, right?
But, where were the men and my friends and why wasn't wearing a smaller size as fun as I thought it would be? The rush of adrenaline watching the scale tick down only lasts for so long….a bite won't hurt, right? My control would waiver. I would spend hours thinking about a bag of gummy bears or a burrito. I would allow myself a nibble of fresh baguette or a tiny taste of tiramisu and I would become a frenzied dog in heat. There wasn't enough I could eat to fill up my broken heart and spirit.
And then I was fat again.
Avoidance mode. The mirrors, the people, the plans and the gym because I was too embarrassed to be seen in public. I have let people down. I have not showed up when I should have. It is so much easier to be "tired, sick or too busy" than hungover from food or without anything in my closet that fits. Would anyone even believe me if I told them that I couldn't come to dinner "because I do not have anything to wear?"
When I realized that my food addiction was so much more than a love of eating and cooking and actually involved deep seeded emotional issues that I needed to work through, I was scared. Could I overcome this? Food has been my friend. I still yearn for the comfort that only unrestricted calorie consumption and Bravo can give me. To glaze over just like a Krispy Creme. But it is no way to live. It is dark, isolating, sad and empty. When I feel the compulsion to shut in, the most important thing I can do is get outside for a walk, or go to the library or call a best friend. I need to break that moment because if I give in, one binge has the power to turn into months and months of self induced destruction by food. I deserve better.
I will never be as thin as I once was by starvation. If my body wants to amaze me and go places that it hasn't in years (as I have seen from my sister and a few best friends after babies and breastfeeding), then I will relish my shape, but no more than I love my body now.
I know I am a broken record, but my goal is to get to a place of total peace with my body. I want to find the optimal weight for my build (still have a little to go, but not a ton). I want to be healthy, strong and free from worrying about my tummy, thighs or arms. I want to get dressed and look in the mirror and be fine with what I see. To not pinch an inch or fantasize about a dress I used to wear or sigh when I put my bronzer over a lovely fleshy cheek and not a sunken cheekbone.
I am getting there. Everyday isn't as good as I would like. I sometimes eat lots of Special K bars out of habit. The rustling of wrappers comforts me still. Once in a while, my want of an ice cream cone outweighs my need and it may even be my third dessert of that day. Sometimes the scale goes up and not down.
But, I am enjoying the give and take. The downward trend overtime. I am tracking everything, even the way over my calorie days like yesterday which included mimosas, potato chips and a bakery cookie. But it also included family, stories from the past, long walks, lots of hugs and a brilliant beach moon. Life happens and I want to learn to live in a world where food and my guilt with food, do not intersect.
The nonstop restricting works, but without good habits, my weight will never stay stable. My goal once I get to the right weight for me is to stay within seven pounds (not including pregnancies hopefully to come, then I will stay within whatever the doctor recommends) for the rest of my life. I won't be the skinniest I ever have been, but I will be the most stable. I want to chose a weight (I am still seeking what may feel right) that is realistic for life.
Stability may not be as exciting, but the Weight Roller Coaster is one ride I am ready to get off of!
Showing posts with label Diet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Diet. Show all posts
Monday, May 12, 2014
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Salad and Spinning and Wedding Planning
I am trying to get into shape.
There have been many salads. Lots of Spinning. Even salad spinning. The wedding planning. Well, I must admit, it is one of my strengths.
Sadly, my engagement ring has not been the same equivalent to getting my jaw wired, like I hoped it would be. DANG. Eating is still a struggle, but the good news is that it has been a TON easier since I moved to Charleston. I am so much less stressed that I am not turning to food emotionally like I used to.
My future husband has an amazing metabolism. He is lucky this way. He has no idea about nutrition and eating healthily. NO CLUE. For example:
R&F: "Hi sweets, what did you have for lunch today?"
Crush: "I ate really healthy foods. Fried chicken, creamed spinach and fried green tomatoes."
R&F: "How is any of that healthy?"
Crush: "Chicken, spinach and tomatoes are all healthy!'
Unlike me, Crush never learned how to read a menu for healthy clues (thanks, WeightWatchers!), never sat around a cafeteria lunch table in the 5th grade and talked about who had the lowest fat and calorie meal (thanks, North Shore Girls raised by mothers with rampant eating disorders!) and never saw a nutritionist and an eating therapist to change his eating habits (thanks for real, the wonderful professionals who are helping me!).
And yet, with his COMPLETE lack of food knowledge, Crush still has a WAY better relationship with food than I do. He simply eats when he is hungry and stops when he is full. I wish I could do that consistently.
Having Crush around often really helps me focus on eating better. We have started to eat most of our breakfasts and suppers together and I find that when I am cooking for someone else and not just for myself, I put extra effort into making my meals balanced, yummy and satisfying. Crush wants to eat better and I want to lose weight, so I have been preparing calorie friendly meals full of lean proteins and fresh fruits and veggies. Crush has of course already lost 6 pounds in a few weeks whereas I have lost perhaps a few ounces. All of my yo-yo dieting in the past has slowed my metabolism, but I feel so much better and now fit into most of my wardrobe again, so I will take it.
The wedding planning is fully underway and our first goal forhotness health takes place in February when we will take our engagement photos. It just so happens that our wedding photographer who lives in Chicago will be in Charleston for another wedding he is shooting, so he is going to snap a few shots of us when he is in town. I am super excited to have Charleston engagement photos and Chicago wedding photos (yup, I decided to tie the knot in the Windy City as truthfully, it is a great city and I love to visit it, I just HATED living there!).
I have found that all of the wedding planning has been super easy thus far and these awesome little coincidences keep happening which make me feel like in many ways, everything about this wedding is simply meant to be! In less than 2 weeks, I have my venue, officiant, ceremony musicians, band for the reception, after party DJ, florist, photographer, hair and makeup artists, rehearsal dinner venue and hotel room blocks. When I return to Chicago in a few weeks for a wedding I am working, I will do my save the dates and invitations. I will say, I know the best vendors in Chicago and I have gotten a bird's eye perspective about how they all work, so selecting them was SUPER easy. I am just so happy that they were all available! I keep thinking....if my clients actually listened to me (some do, many don't and then they don't get the best product and services), they too could have their weddings planned quickly! Everyone likes to do things differently, but there is nothing I love more than making a list and crossing it off!
Hope all is well out there and Happy Thursday!
There have been many salads. Lots of Spinning. Even salad spinning. The wedding planning. Well, I must admit, it is one of my strengths.
Sadly, my engagement ring has not been the same equivalent to getting my jaw wired, like I hoped it would be. DANG. Eating is still a struggle, but the good news is that it has been a TON easier since I moved to Charleston. I am so much less stressed that I am not turning to food emotionally like I used to.
My future husband has an amazing metabolism. He is lucky this way. He has no idea about nutrition and eating healthily. NO CLUE. For example:
R&F: "Hi sweets, what did you have for lunch today?"
Crush: "I ate really healthy foods. Fried chicken, creamed spinach and fried green tomatoes."
R&F: "How is any of that healthy?"
Crush: "Chicken, spinach and tomatoes are all healthy!'
Unlike me, Crush never learned how to read a menu for healthy clues (thanks, WeightWatchers!), never sat around a cafeteria lunch table in the 5th grade and talked about who had the lowest fat and calorie meal (thanks, North Shore Girls raised by mothers with rampant eating disorders!) and never saw a nutritionist and an eating therapist to change his eating habits (thanks for real, the wonderful professionals who are helping me!).
And yet, with his COMPLETE lack of food knowledge, Crush still has a WAY better relationship with food than I do. He simply eats when he is hungry and stops when he is full. I wish I could do that consistently.
Having Crush around often really helps me focus on eating better. We have started to eat most of our breakfasts and suppers together and I find that when I am cooking for someone else and not just for myself, I put extra effort into making my meals balanced, yummy and satisfying. Crush wants to eat better and I want to lose weight, so I have been preparing calorie friendly meals full of lean proteins and fresh fruits and veggies. Crush has of course already lost 6 pounds in a few weeks whereas I have lost perhaps a few ounces. All of my yo-yo dieting in the past has slowed my metabolism, but I feel so much better and now fit into most of my wardrobe again, so I will take it.
The wedding planning is fully underway and our first goal for
I have found that all of the wedding planning has been super easy thus far and these awesome little coincidences keep happening which make me feel like in many ways, everything about this wedding is simply meant to be! In less than 2 weeks, I have my venue, officiant, ceremony musicians, band for the reception, after party DJ, florist, photographer, hair and makeup artists, rehearsal dinner venue and hotel room blocks. When I return to Chicago in a few weeks for a wedding I am working, I will do my save the dates and invitations. I will say, I know the best vendors in Chicago and I have gotten a bird's eye perspective about how they all work, so selecting them was SUPER easy. I am just so happy that they were all available! I keep thinking....if my clients actually listened to me (some do, many don't and then they don't get the best product and services), they too could have their weddings planned quickly! Everyone likes to do things differently, but there is nothing I love more than making a list and crossing it off!
Hope all is well out there and Happy Thursday!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Older
Lately, I feel older. Not old, just older.
I am not upset about my age, 32. Sometimes, I get a bit miffed and depressed that I am not married, that I am childless, and that I am not a homeowner. But, I know that I am a late bloomer and I always have been. Often I get my good a bit later that most, but it is always worth the wait.
I feel old because my body and what I can tolerate are changing.
No longer can I be on my feet for 2 days straight without my back hurting a bit. I can't have 3 dirty martinis (my favorite) without a SEVERE hangover. I feel it when I don't workout. Fast food makes me bloated, tired, and miserable. Less than 7 hours of sleep creates HUGE under eye bags and a piss poor attitude.
I was once so resilient and I didn't even know it.
Back in the day, I could slam a fifth of Jim Beam and wake up and work a double shift at 2 different jobs the very next day. I could eat an entire pizza and drink 8 cans of diet soda in 1 afternoon without even a belch. I could sleep 2 hours a night for 3 weeks straight and look adorable and not have a mental breakdown.
And yet, I am not at all upset about my older status.
I like how my body is checking me. Telling me that I must make smart decisions or I will feel it. I know that if I skip the gym, eat dirty, or miss my sleep...well, I won't be the best me and I like the me I am becoming now, so I am making better decisions.
Long gone are the days of cigarettes, Big Macs (I am still craving 1 from time to time), bottles (glasses are okay) of wine, and 3 1/2 hours of sleep. I am not sad about this. I am actually very happy that I am figuring out what my body needs now and I am quickly learning how to listen to her.
Prior to this year, I never had a mind body connection. I couldn't stop eating when I was full, I couldn't go to sleep when I was tired, and I couldn't workout to relieve my stress.....I just didn't get what I needed to make me feel good.
So, this is progress. Listening to my inner voice to make the best choices for me.
And as my age goes up, hopefully the scale will go down.
I am not upset about my age, 32. Sometimes, I get a bit miffed and depressed that I am not married, that I am childless, and that I am not a homeowner. But, I know that I am a late bloomer and I always have been. Often I get my good a bit later that most, but it is always worth the wait.
I feel old because my body and what I can tolerate are changing.
No longer can I be on my feet for 2 days straight without my back hurting a bit. I can't have 3 dirty martinis (my favorite) without a SEVERE hangover. I feel it when I don't workout. Fast food makes me bloated, tired, and miserable. Less than 7 hours of sleep creates HUGE under eye bags and a piss poor attitude.
I was once so resilient and I didn't even know it.
Back in the day, I could slam a fifth of Jim Beam and wake up and work a double shift at 2 different jobs the very next day. I could eat an entire pizza and drink 8 cans of diet soda in 1 afternoon without even a belch. I could sleep 2 hours a night for 3 weeks straight and look adorable and not have a mental breakdown.
And yet, I am not at all upset about my older status.
I like how my body is checking me. Telling me that I must make smart decisions or I will feel it. I know that if I skip the gym, eat dirty, or miss my sleep...well, I won't be the best me and I like the me I am becoming now, so I am making better decisions.
Long gone are the days of cigarettes, Big Macs (I am still craving 1 from time to time), bottles (glasses are okay) of wine, and 3 1/2 hours of sleep. I am not sad about this. I am actually very happy that I am figuring out what my body needs now and I am quickly learning how to listen to her.
Prior to this year, I never had a mind body connection. I couldn't stop eating when I was full, I couldn't go to sleep when I was tired, and I couldn't workout to relieve my stress.....I just didn't get what I needed to make me feel good.
So, this is progress. Listening to my inner voice to make the best choices for me.
And as my age goes up, hopefully the scale will go down.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Weighing My Options
Back to my favorite subject I hate to address.....my weight. Oy oy oy!
So......I had to take the bull by the horns. Houston, we do have a problem.
I tried counting calories, I tried intuitive eating, I am in therapy for it.....BUT, well, the scale is going up up and up and I just can't handle it any longer.
So, I am back in the saddle. I resigned up for WeightWatchers.
I know....been there, done that.
This time, I really do feel ready.
You see, this will seriously be my 6th time back to WW. I have failed so many times before. BUT, well, but, I have never really followed the program correctly. I played with the plan. I binged some days, I starved others and when I knew I gained, I missed my meetings....not exactly the way you are supposed to follow it. I never drank all my water, ate my recommended points, or fulfilled my nutritional requirements.
Yet, I had the nerve to complain that WeightWatchers never worked for me and that it was a crock of sh*t and all that.....but, I NEVER followed the program. I made up my own rules and weighed in only when I knew I was down weight and called it WeightWatchers.....so, I decided that I am going to try one last time and actually follow the rules and see what happens.......it is the best solution I can come up with if I want to keep the big gain from becoming monumental.
Yes, I anticipate ups and downs and tough weeks....but even if on average, I lose .5 pounds a week....that is still 25 pounds a year and I would be VERY happy with that.
As I cannot stop yapping about.....I think I will be engaged this year. Well, I want to enjoy it when it happens. I want to smile proudly in photos, wear sleeveless dresses, and feel all around excited to do all the things next year may require...like trying on dresses....so, the time to start being the best me is now.
I don't know how much I will chat about WW, but I will keep you posted about my status....hopefully on the weigh down!
So......I had to take the bull by the horns. Houston, we do have a problem.
I tried counting calories, I tried intuitive eating, I am in therapy for it.....BUT, well, the scale is going up up and up and I just can't handle it any longer.
So, I am back in the saddle. I resigned up for WeightWatchers.
I know....been there, done that.
This time, I really do feel ready.
You see, this will seriously be my 6th time back to WW. I have failed so many times before. BUT, well, but, I have never really followed the program correctly. I played with the plan. I binged some days, I starved others and when I knew I gained, I missed my meetings....not exactly the way you are supposed to follow it. I never drank all my water, ate my recommended points, or fulfilled my nutritional requirements.
Yet, I had the nerve to complain that WeightWatchers never worked for me and that it was a crock of sh*t and all that.....but, I NEVER followed the program. I made up my own rules and weighed in only when I knew I was down weight and called it WeightWatchers.....so, I decided that I am going to try one last time and actually follow the rules and see what happens.......it is the best solution I can come up with if I want to keep the big gain from becoming monumental.
Yes, I anticipate ups and downs and tough weeks....but even if on average, I lose .5 pounds a week....that is still 25 pounds a year and I would be VERY happy with that.
As I cannot stop yapping about.....I think I will be engaged this year. Well, I want to enjoy it when it happens. I want to smile proudly in photos, wear sleeveless dresses, and feel all around excited to do all the things next year may require...like trying on dresses....so, the time to start being the best me is now.
I don't know how much I will chat about WW, but I will keep you posted about my status....hopefully on the weigh down!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Wheat Free Updates
I am VERY surprised at how satisfied I am NOT eating wheat!
I am NOT hungry or feeling like I NEED to eat all of the time.
That is not to say that I am not eating when I am not hungry.....
I just don't feel the urge to munch, I am feeling in control. Now, I just need to listen to my body a little better.
I got on the scale this morning and I am down 3 pounds. I feel like this is going to work, for many reasons, but one is the most obvious to me....
I have psoriasis. For years it was quite mild and contained to my elbows and knees. As I have gotten older, it has been spreading....elbows, knees, scalp, calves, back, lower arms, upper arms, tush.....the feeling of being completely out of control when it comes to this.......there is no cure for psoriasis, it really bothers me some days and makes me self conscious to wear my favorite things like sleeveless dresses.
A few years ago, I tried being vegan as a solution to help my psoriasis. I knew of a former friend who had cured his very severe case by being vegan and he was most helped by cutting out eggs......For me, it didn't get better when I tried the vegan lifestyle, it actually got worse after a while. Everyone is different. At this time, I was also on the verge of taking the final plunge and breaking up with Awful, so it may have flared from stress (another thing that brings it on), too. It was horrible.
Dermatologists will tell you that there is little scientific evidence between psoriasis and diet, but psoriasis sufferers will try anything to control it. Being healthiest (healthy diet, exercise, no smoking, very little drinking) is a way to minimize symptoms. When I was at my thinnest, my psoriasis was the best it had ever been. I know there are multiple reasons why I need to lose this weight for real.
Back to the wheat.....well, since I have been mostly wheat free (there has been a few bites of birthday cake and some questionable items that may have had gluten in them), my psoriasis has improved greatly.....When I had tried the vegan diet, I was eating MOSTLY wheat, so this may have been a reason why my psoriasis flared so badly. Now, I have seen a 50 percent improvement in less than 2 weeks. I have a feeling that if I continue to eat like this, I may be able to reduce it even further. I am feeling hopeful about my psoriasis for the first time in years.
I also tried on jeans that haven't fit in ever and I could button them....they were skin tight, but I haven't been able to get them over my knees in over 3 years. WOW. I am so much less bloated, even if the scale isn't where I would truly like it to be....EXCITED!
I will keep you posted and have a wonderful day!
I am NOT hungry or feeling like I NEED to eat all of the time.
That is not to say that I am not eating when I am not hungry.....
I just don't feel the urge to munch, I am feeling in control. Now, I just need to listen to my body a little better.
I got on the scale this morning and I am down 3 pounds. I feel like this is going to work, for many reasons, but one is the most obvious to me....
I have psoriasis. For years it was quite mild and contained to my elbows and knees. As I have gotten older, it has been spreading....elbows, knees, scalp, calves, back, lower arms, upper arms, tush.....the feeling of being completely out of control when it comes to this.......there is no cure for psoriasis, it really bothers me some days and makes me self conscious to wear my favorite things like sleeveless dresses.
A few years ago, I tried being vegan as a solution to help my psoriasis. I knew of a former friend who had cured his very severe case by being vegan and he was most helped by cutting out eggs......For me, it didn't get better when I tried the vegan lifestyle, it actually got worse after a while. Everyone is different. At this time, I was also on the verge of taking the final plunge and breaking up with Awful, so it may have flared from stress (another thing that brings it on), too. It was horrible.
Dermatologists will tell you that there is little scientific evidence between psoriasis and diet, but psoriasis sufferers will try anything to control it. Being healthiest (healthy diet, exercise, no smoking, very little drinking) is a way to minimize symptoms. When I was at my thinnest, my psoriasis was the best it had ever been. I know there are multiple reasons why I need to lose this weight for real.
Back to the wheat.....well, since I have been mostly wheat free (there has been a few bites of birthday cake and some questionable items that may have had gluten in them), my psoriasis has improved greatly.....When I had tried the vegan diet, I was eating MOSTLY wheat, so this may have been a reason why my psoriasis flared so badly. Now, I have seen a 50 percent improvement in less than 2 weeks. I have a feeling that if I continue to eat like this, I may be able to reduce it even further. I am feeling hopeful about my psoriasis for the first time in years.
I also tried on jeans that haven't fit in ever and I could button them....they were skin tight, but I haven't been able to get them over my knees in over 3 years. WOW. I am so much less bloated, even if the scale isn't where I would truly like it to be....EXCITED!
I will keep you posted and have a wonderful day!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Wheat Free
Alright.....I am SO not into fad diets. I have always believed that calories in and calories burned will help me lose weight. I know that the times that I have been successful with my weight loss, it has been because of my diet mostly (or lack of because I starved myself)...the workouts help tone, but I can't eat whatever I want just because I head to the gym.
I am always looking for the easy fix. 20 years after my first diet, I am STILL trying to figure out what will work for me, it is exhausting and I am going to conquer it. I know I will.
I am so sick of riding the weight roller coaster: restrict, binge, restrict, binge, restrict, etc.
As I shared last week, I have been journaling my food patterns and lately, it became very clear to me that processed wheat (crackers, bread, bagels, cookies, and cereal specifically) give me the urge to binge. I researched it and I am not the only person that cannot control themselves with these items once they start.
For real, when these foods touch my lips, I literally lose control. I zone out and feel myself slipping into bad and destructive habits. Yet, it is a safe and familiar place. I know it is bad, but it feels so good. I am like Eve with her apple or Pandora with her box....I know inside the outcome will be negative, but the instant pull of gratification is too strong for me to resist.
I am a food addict, a wheat addict specifically. Give me a bag of honey wheat pretzel rods or a box of Wheat Thins and I will black out until only crumbs are left. I will then feel so ashamed and defeated, that I will have to lay down in order to center myself. I fall asleep and wake up with a food hangover. It is self destructive behavior. I do it to myself.
For the last few days, I have been journaling my food choices and I have been trying to avoid wheat when I can. It is a good first step for me, I do not think I can avoid dairy, I love cheese too much and can control myself around it. It was always the vehicle for cheese (bread and crackers) that I couldn't stop myself around, not the cheese.
I am feeling very in control. A general eating day for me has been like this:
Breakfast -
2 eggs made in butter
1 slice of cheddar cheese melted on eggs
1 banana
Coffee with cream and sugar
Lunch -
1 cup brown rice
1 cup peas
1/4 cup parmesan cheese
1 TBSP butter melted on rice
3 oz of chicken breast
1/2 cup 4 percent cottage cheese
Snack -
1 small bag of kettle potato chips
1 tall vanilla latte made with 2 percent milk
Dinner -
3 cups of romaine lettuce
1 small tomato
1 small cucumber
1/4 cup of feta cheese
4 oz of steak
2 TBSP balsamic vinaigrette dressing
14 almonds
1 small apple
Snack -
4 cups of air popped popcorn with 1 TBSP of olive oil and 2 TBSPs of parmesan cheese
2 squares of dark chocolate
I have never been so satisfied. I am actually quite surprised. I am full after meals and snacks. Prior to this, I was starving all of the time. I literally counted the minutes between meals, ALL I could think about was my next opportunity to eat, I fantasized about it.
I am going to keep this up as long as I can because I am really feeling even and positive. For now, I am just practicing eating for satisfaction and not counting calories. I am trying to learn my hunger signals which are totally out of whack from years and years of eating for emotional fulfillment.
Once I get the hungry and full signals rewired, I will tackle calories, so I can continue on my weight loss journey. At this time, I just want to take one little baby step at a time, so I can get my head around it all.
I will keep you posted!
I am always looking for the easy fix. 20 years after my first diet, I am STILL trying to figure out what will work for me, it is exhausting and I am going to conquer it. I know I will.
I am so sick of riding the weight roller coaster: restrict, binge, restrict, binge, restrict, etc.
As I shared last week, I have been journaling my food patterns and lately, it became very clear to me that processed wheat (crackers, bread, bagels, cookies, and cereal specifically) give me the urge to binge. I researched it and I am not the only person that cannot control themselves with these items once they start.
For real, when these foods touch my lips, I literally lose control. I zone out and feel myself slipping into bad and destructive habits. Yet, it is a safe and familiar place. I know it is bad, but it feels so good. I am like Eve with her apple or Pandora with her box....I know inside the outcome will be negative, but the instant pull of gratification is too strong for me to resist.
I am a food addict, a wheat addict specifically. Give me a bag of honey wheat pretzel rods or a box of Wheat Thins and I will black out until only crumbs are left. I will then feel so ashamed and defeated, that I will have to lay down in order to center myself. I fall asleep and wake up with a food hangover. It is self destructive behavior. I do it to myself.
For the last few days, I have been journaling my food choices and I have been trying to avoid wheat when I can. It is a good first step for me, I do not think I can avoid dairy, I love cheese too much and can control myself around it. It was always the vehicle for cheese (bread and crackers) that I couldn't stop myself around, not the cheese.
I am feeling very in control. A general eating day for me has been like this:
Breakfast -
2 eggs made in butter
1 slice of cheddar cheese melted on eggs
1 banana
Coffee with cream and sugar
Lunch -
1 cup brown rice
1 cup peas
1/4 cup parmesan cheese
1 TBSP butter melted on rice
3 oz of chicken breast
1/2 cup 4 percent cottage cheese
Snack -
1 small bag of kettle potato chips
1 tall vanilla latte made with 2 percent milk
Dinner -
3 cups of romaine lettuce
1 small tomato
1 small cucumber
1/4 cup of feta cheese
4 oz of steak
2 TBSP balsamic vinaigrette dressing
14 almonds
1 small apple
Snack -
4 cups of air popped popcorn with 1 TBSP of olive oil and 2 TBSPs of parmesan cheese
2 squares of dark chocolate
I have never been so satisfied. I am actually quite surprised. I am full after meals and snacks. Prior to this, I was starving all of the time. I literally counted the minutes between meals, ALL I could think about was my next opportunity to eat, I fantasized about it.
I am going to keep this up as long as I can because I am really feeling even and positive. For now, I am just practicing eating for satisfaction and not counting calories. I am trying to learn my hunger signals which are totally out of whack from years and years of eating for emotional fulfillment.
Once I get the hungry and full signals rewired, I will tackle calories, so I can continue on my weight loss journey. At this time, I just want to take one little baby step at a time, so I can get my head around it all.
I will keep you posted!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Diet & Binge Updates
Since I returned from the South, I have lost the weight I gained over the holiday, but I haven't lost any more. I am fine with this. Since recommitting to myself, I have lost 7 pounds total, I have 25 to go. I am basically where I have been for a while, holding steady.
I have been going to my WeightWatchers meetings, but I haven't really been following the plan. It was the only diet that has ever worked for me, so it has always been my fallback, but it is not working for me anymore and I am fine with this. I don't believe in fake food and synthetic sugar anymore, so eating naturally for the most part takes up all of my points. It is this confusing thing that is happening....I am over my points because of my food choices, but under my daily recommended caloric intake for a day to lose 1 pound a week (1,700). For example, some days, I will have only consumed 1,400 calories, but I went WAY over my daily points allowance because I opted for a latte with 2 percent milk and real sugar, white toast with real butter, and a small portion of steak and mashed potatoes. I am over it. I want to eat real, pure, and realistically. WeightWatchers is no longer my miracle.
I find the weekly WeightWatchers meetings to be motivating, like therapy, and my leader is so inspiring and supportive. She gets it. I go and weigh and listen and talk about food issues, but I don't support all of the "carrots have too much sugar", "use 4 Splenda packets in your banana oatmeal and freeze it overnight for an ice cream substitute, "and "100 calorie packs are my savior, I bring them to the movies for a sweet treat" (I need like 4 to even scratch my itch for sweet!).....these tidbits are not going to work long-term for me, they just won't.
The truth: I NEVER followed WeightWatchers as I should have. I always made up my own rules and made it work in my own way. I drank alcohol 5 nights a week and ate veggies and drank diet soda for every meal and lost 35 pounds and called it WeightWatchers....that was not the program they advertised, it was my interpretation.
So, in the last few weeks, I have been journaling my meals and following what causes me to binge and feel totally out of control with my food urges. Because it is a daily struggle. I am going to beat this once and for all, but there is no easy way out of this. This is emotional. This is about breaking bad habits. This is getting to the bottom of my issues once and for all.
Every time I eat processed carbs: chips, bagels, bread, cereal, english muffins, crackers, or cookies (my regular diet staples and favorite things!) I spin out of control. My entire day and often my entire week gets off track and I am super hungry constantly. Oddly enough, I have observed that I can handle small portions of oatmeal, rice, pasta, corn, and potatoes and be totally satisfied, full, and fine.
I did a bit of research and there is this diet book (perhaps a fad, I don't know the research on it), Wheat Belly, that discusses this concept. I believe for best results the book recommends that you can cut out rice, dairy, and corn, but that will never happen for me...I need those things to exist. I did buy the book just because I am interested. For me now though, I am just going to cut out processed wheat and see how I feel and if it helps with my binging as my journaling has lead me to believe it just may.
I will keep you posted!
I have been going to my WeightWatchers meetings, but I haven't really been following the plan. It was the only diet that has ever worked for me, so it has always been my fallback, but it is not working for me anymore and I am fine with this. I don't believe in fake food and synthetic sugar anymore, so eating naturally for the most part takes up all of my points. It is this confusing thing that is happening....I am over my points because of my food choices, but under my daily recommended caloric intake for a day to lose 1 pound a week (1,700). For example, some days, I will have only consumed 1,400 calories, but I went WAY over my daily points allowance because I opted for a latte with 2 percent milk and real sugar, white toast with real butter, and a small portion of steak and mashed potatoes. I am over it. I want to eat real, pure, and realistically. WeightWatchers is no longer my miracle.
I find the weekly WeightWatchers meetings to be motivating, like therapy, and my leader is so inspiring and supportive. She gets it. I go and weigh and listen and talk about food issues, but I don't support all of the "carrots have too much sugar", "use 4 Splenda packets in your banana oatmeal and freeze it overnight for an ice cream substitute, "and "100 calorie packs are my savior, I bring them to the movies for a sweet treat" (I need like 4 to even scratch my itch for sweet!).....these tidbits are not going to work long-term for me, they just won't.
The truth: I NEVER followed WeightWatchers as I should have. I always made up my own rules and made it work in my own way. I drank alcohol 5 nights a week and ate veggies and drank diet soda for every meal and lost 35 pounds and called it WeightWatchers....that was not the program they advertised, it was my interpretation.
So, in the last few weeks, I have been journaling my meals and following what causes me to binge and feel totally out of control with my food urges. Because it is a daily struggle. I am going to beat this once and for all, but there is no easy way out of this. This is emotional. This is about breaking bad habits. This is getting to the bottom of my issues once and for all.
Every time I eat processed carbs: chips, bagels, bread, cereal, english muffins, crackers, or cookies (my regular diet staples and favorite things!) I spin out of control. My entire day and often my entire week gets off track and I am super hungry constantly. Oddly enough, I have observed that I can handle small portions of oatmeal, rice, pasta, corn, and potatoes and be totally satisfied, full, and fine.
I did a bit of research and there is this diet book (perhaps a fad, I don't know the research on it), Wheat Belly, that discusses this concept. I believe for best results the book recommends that you can cut out rice, dairy, and corn, but that will never happen for me...I need those things to exist. I did buy the book just because I am interested. For me now though, I am just going to cut out processed wheat and see how I feel and if it helps with my binging as my journaling has lead me to believe it just may.
I will keep you posted!
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