HAPPY THURSDAY!!!!
It has been busy around here, but things are moving right along....
SUCCESSES -
1. I am down 13.5 pounds. I am taking it 5 pounds at a time. Little by little and it is not as daunting as I thought it would be. I am eating everything I want in moderation, I am exercising often (4-5 times a week), and I am using the tools I have been learning in therapy to manage my binge eating as best as I can. Major improvement.
2. My new website is almost done. EXCITED. Just a few more tweaks, but then it will be up.
3. Work-wise, things have been going well, even though I decided that everyone is a bit crazy. That being said, I have surprised myself lately because I have been able to separate my work and the client based drama that negatively influences my work. This year, all of my failures were mostly derived by a family member who was stirring the pot and then I would take the fall. I have taught myself to stay above and out of the drama and overall, the results have been positive. Yes, I still get blamed for things that are not my fault and yes, there are still opinions that I did or didn't do something that I should or shouldn't have done, but I defer to my client and ONLY my client. Btw, I cannot wait to share more about my almost former job here....there are stories, stories, stories!!!!!
STUMBLES -
1. One of my challenges for my eating therapy was to eat a trigger food and see what happens...the thought process behind it is that no food is bad or scary and that with the right steps forward everything can be enjoyed. Basically, taking the power away from the food. I tried with Wheat Thins this week, a MAJOR trigger food for me. I binged (nothing major, but definitely mindless eating) both times after I ate some. It was a force that came over me....a routine. I did what my body felt like it should do and binge it was. This is something I am to try once a month and I can't wait for the day when those stupid crackers lose.
2. I realized that I need to be nicer to Crush. Like way nicer. I am sometimes an absolute jerk to him. He deserves and responds well to kindness and I know this and then I still act like an asshole. Crush and I tell each other everything....so, I told him Awful was engaged the minute after I found out. I admitted that I was a bit sad, but happy for him. Crush's ex-fiance is in a very serious relationship and we have heard, that she will be engaged soon, too. I do believe that after a super serious relationship that doesn't work out, often people marry their next boyfriend or girlfriend. I am living it! Crush was a bit emotional about his ex a few weeks ago, for the same reasons I was about Awful, the end of an era. On Monday, mere hours after I found out about Awful's pending wedding, I received a beautiful bouquet from my boyfriend with a lovely note, "Anyone that doesn't want to marry you is a fool. His loss, my gain. Love you so and get down here already!" - Crush. Swoon.
3. I did a bad bad thing. I know you all will throw sticks at me and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did it, so I am going to own it. I have an impulse control issue....food, what I say, how I used to drink. I know it. I do discuss it in therapy because it's clearly a problem.....but, well, I emailed Awful with my congratulations. YELL AT ME IF YOU NEED TO. But, well, the truth is that I am pretty hard to find these days and I know Awful has been asking about me. All of a sudden, I realized that it isn't because he still has feelings for me, it is because he knows that he hurt me and now he is getting married so soon, less than a year after he met his lady. I think he met his soulmate, too. They seem super happy. Do I think he learned from our relationship? I do. But, I also think he is still a huge asshole. It just seems like his new fiance is so different than me and his ex-wife, so I see that as a positive. Change. I still feel bad for new fiance as dealing with Awful is a FULL TIME JOB! I think Awful was asking about me to make sure I am okay. I went to therapy on Tuesday and I spent too much of my appointment chatting about him. I came to the realization that I am indeed happy for him and I am also going to be careful about who I share myself with and what news I decide to share about my life (not here, in real life). I can't trust anything anyone says about Awful to me and vice-versa. Not, because the source is faulty, because no one really knows what exactly transpired between us and how long and drawn out and emotional the breakup was. I didn't want there to be any hearsay about how I reacted about his engagement (which was chill) and I wanted him to know that I am fine and that I am happy for him (because I am, but mostly I am relieved!). The door will never open back up on this and I know I seem insane and I know I could have been stronger, but I am sick of other people controlling my message. He hasn't emailed back and I know he won't. It was closure. DONE. I know you all must be sick about hearing about Awful and I apologize. Last few drips of information. If I was a reader....my thoughts would be"SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND ALREADY CRAZY PANTS!!!!!!".....noted!
Have a great week and I will back in full detail after the weekend....lots of work, but next week slows down!!!!
XXXX,
R&F
Showing posts with label I Can Be Mean. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I Can Be Mean. Show all posts
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
I Can't Breathe and Lots of Random Reflection Upon My Birthday
I have been having quite a week....
It hasn't been a good one.
My birthday is coming up this weekend and I am exhausted.
All of the goals I wanted to accomplish this year, many of them simply didn't happen for me.
I am okay with this.
I am okay with the current trend of failure that is occurring in my life....I see it all as a sign that I MUST leave. I knew this 6 years ago. I felt it then. And I stayed.
My walls have crumbled. I feel the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my entire life. I am the heaviest I have ever been. College fat is now a goal of mine. I want to be college fat because it will be thinner than I am now.
I like to really tangle things up good before I accept the things I have always known...including that I will never be able to achieve my greatest successes in a place that I do not feel comfortable living. Among the gossip, slander, and hatred that I will never understand. And yet, I know that this badness exists everywhere. I know this. But, I have the chance to start-over. To redefine myself. To press the reset button. It is like the summer before college ALL over again. EXCITING.
I have halfway fallen in love with myself this year and it is confusing. To love me, I cannot love all of the other people that I have allowed myself to be tricked by....because I am so different. My values, my morals, my want for something better. So, some days I wake up hating myself. I hate myself for still letting myself be emotionally affected by people I will never respect. Wash and repeat. Every single day.
It isn't just high school BS holding me back. It is the fact that I feel like I am hiding out. From Awful. From former clients. From former school mates that have houses, cars, and husbands while I am living at home.
There is one particular person I really don't want to see. She lives mere blocks away from my parents. I HATE HER. I have always considered her a frenemy....Now, when I think I see her in her car driving....I switch lanes, pull over, make u-turns....FOR WHAT? She is the idiotic fool and yet I am the one hiding myself. WHERE IS MY SENSE?
My anxiety and stress are ballooning. I feel a tight constriction of life strangling me with every sunrise. Months ago, I couldn't sleep at all and now sleep is my only salvation. I can't get enough sleep. When I wake up at 6:00 am, I negotiate why I need to stay in bed until 9:00 am......I haven't slept like this EVER. In my dreams, I find the life I crave. I truly believe that happiness is around the corner.
I DESERVE IT.
I HAVE THIS "FUCK YOU" FANTASY WHERE I SEE EVERYONE I HATE AND I WIN.
AND WHY....WHY...DO I EVEN CARE?!
Because truly inside I cannot figure out if I even care or not and this is most confusing of all.
There is a saying that no matter how old you are, when you come home, you will always be a child and I FEEL that. My parents are the BEST, but still......I am nagged to pick up my room, encourage to eat what my Mom and Dad are having for supper and them shamed for not going to the gym each and every day regardless of my schedule. There are trigger foods in my home that lead me to binges, yet I cannot keep my parents from bringing these foods into their own home....BECAUSE IT IS THEIR HOME and my father has changed so much since he retired, that he wouldn't understand the emotional issues I am having with food, even if I screamed them into his ears with a megaphone.
He used to be there for me, always. Now, he is tired of me. His mother is taking away his patience. I wouldn't want to be him for a day...having to deal with her. I get this. I feel for him. I am not a child. I have to get my own shit together, too.
If I stayed here, in the Midwest, I believe I would eventually become unable to leave my home. I would crumble. Fall apart. Reach 300 pounds before I knew it. I now see life differently. I see how people cannot get out of something they are stuck in and yet, I have been gifted with the 1 way ticket out of this pit. I am lucky.
Just getting up and getting out is a constant struggle. I do it, I do not let people down, but it is becoming a tug of war with my soul. It is becoming something that I can no longer take for granted....just like how my clothes in my closet used to fit and now they don't.....my life feels like it belongs to someone else these days. My coping mechanism is saying the amount of days I have left here until I leave. I repeat the number like a ritual. It gets me through my days.
The visit with Crush was fine. Not that eventful. Good. I cannot relax here in this city, so our visits are always better down south when I am not protecting myself so closely. He frustrates me terribly, but who doesn't these days? I know it is me, NOT him. I am the one having severe issues as of late and accepting my crazy instead of passing it onto to him is major progress in itself.
I have reached my breaking point. Yet, I have WONDERFUL people to help this summer and then I will be on my way out of here and towards a better life. My goal for this summer is to simply survive, to be the BEST worker I can be. To not worry about my weight as I don't see myself being able to commit to it in this uneasy emotional environment for me. I have accepted this. I will cope. One foot in front of the other until the numbers of days left to chant is 0.
Yet, I want revenge. There....I said it. I want blood sucking revenge on a few people and I intend to get it. Like a lady, but I will get it. And the fact that I am even sharing this makes me seem like an unhinged freak....but, hell....perhaps I am. I am a steel magnolia. I may look like I lay down and play dead and get walked all over, but that phase of life has ended. Sorry, if you want to make it public and personal, then it will be public and personal from my side, too....especially if you owe me money for my time.
Please understand that a man cannot fix everything. There I said it. I know I wanted Crush to be my everything. My life preserver in this wild sea of change. BUT, I have to save myself first. Love, money, a big diamond ring....none of that will ever make me feel whole unless I am whole on the inside. And I will have all that. And where I am from, those things: the money, the big ring...that determines who wins. SICK. BUT TRUE. And in those ways, I will win. But, none of this matters to me anymore....and it once did. I have said it before and I will say it again, I kinda dated Awful for his money. Because that defined him and made him more attractive to me. His money presented opportunities and I liked them. HATE ME. I get it, but I am not lying. Yet, Crush has so much more than anything Awful did and I am over it. I wish Crush had less, so we could live a bit of a simpler life with less expectations and obligations.
Where I want to win is by being a good person. An honest person. A real person. A kind person. A person that can actually do all she says she will do.....
I think this is where I am conflicted these days. AND I KNOW BETTER. I have been thin before for little blips and whenever I would slip into those size 29 jeans and strut around like a little proud peacock, I would get this sense of "that's it?" All of the deprivation, hours at the gym, self-obsessing and hatred....that's it?! Yes, of course being slim feels fucking fantastic, but not mind blowing. Just okay, really after the novelty of it wears off. Because 155 pounds or 210 pounds, I am still a bit broken on the inside and this may be my life struggle. Not fixing my outside, but fixing my inside.
So, yes, Crush's love gets me through my days. The promise of tomorrow and September and all that jazz. But, he is just a man. Just a person and like me, far from perfect. He is the one for me, but now that I found him, he is not my entire identity. He is not what defines me. I am still me. I am just no longer single.
I HATED when I was single blog reader and a blogger who I once identified with so much would find a significant other and all of a sudden there was no longer darkness and only LIGHT. Everything was sunshine and roses. AMAZING. Moonlight strolls and sex on the beach. I was her for a little bit, too.
Now, my honeymoon period is over. It is. I think this is where most people stop with the honesty. Because they don't want to admit that what they yearned for is not all they hoped it would be. You can still be head of over heels in love with someone and have bad days, weeks, or months. I met my prince charming and I am still fat, broke, and anxiety-ridden. I am still struggling. I am still conflicted.
On this birthday (in a few days), I give myself a gift that I never have before....the ability to be myself. I hope this will be the gift that keeps on giving, until I am old and gray....To say, do, and feel whatever I want. I give myself the permission to be sad, happy, lonely, or stressed...to accept failure and to learn from it. To eat ice cream for breakfast if that is what my body is truly craving. To have good days even if the scale is not where I want it to be.
This last year, a client that fired me (a miserable person who I should have NEVER agreed to work with....I felt like I HAD to because I helped several of her friends, but it was a bad fit from the very start and I am happy I didn't continue, my biggest mistake was accepting them or not firing them first and this haunts me....) told me that she doesn't know how I can "wake up in the mirror and look at myself because I am such a terrible person, a liar, a con-artist, a fraud." She told me, "I will never make it in life, never amount to anything" that I will "die unhappy and alone and broken" and all I could think was...YOU. You are this person. Not me. You are projecting your life onto me. Your divorce, your failed relationships, your fading beauty.
This conversation has taunted me 100s of times a day. It has. It has given me doubt. It has led me to rush to the toilet and vomit sometimes when I think about it at the gym where my mind really wanders.
It was my rock bottom.
Because none of the things she said are true.
If anything, it was my goodness and heart that she will never understand because she is the example of the kind of person I can never help: vapid, stupid, self obsessed, jealous, cunning, and insincere.
And yet, she fascinates me...how does a person like her get the power to make me unhappy?
This is something I am still working on....
It hasn't been a good one.
My birthday is coming up this weekend and I am exhausted.
All of the goals I wanted to accomplish this year, many of them simply didn't happen for me.
I am okay with this.
I am okay with the current trend of failure that is occurring in my life....I see it all as a sign that I MUST leave. I knew this 6 years ago. I felt it then. And I stayed.
My walls have crumbled. I feel the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my entire life. I am the heaviest I have ever been. College fat is now a goal of mine. I want to be college fat because it will be thinner than I am now.
I like to really tangle things up good before I accept the things I have always known...including that I will never be able to achieve my greatest successes in a place that I do not feel comfortable living. Among the gossip, slander, and hatred that I will never understand. And yet, I know that this badness exists everywhere. I know this. But, I have the chance to start-over. To redefine myself. To press the reset button. It is like the summer before college ALL over again. EXCITING.
I have halfway fallen in love with myself this year and it is confusing. To love me, I cannot love all of the other people that I have allowed myself to be tricked by....because I am so different. My values, my morals, my want for something better. So, some days I wake up hating myself. I hate myself for still letting myself be emotionally affected by people I will never respect. Wash and repeat. Every single day.
It isn't just high school BS holding me back. It is the fact that I feel like I am hiding out. From Awful. From former clients. From former school mates that have houses, cars, and husbands while I am living at home.
There is one particular person I really don't want to see. She lives mere blocks away from my parents. I HATE HER. I have always considered her a frenemy....Now, when I think I see her in her car driving....I switch lanes, pull over, make u-turns....FOR WHAT? She is the idiotic fool and yet I am the one hiding myself. WHERE IS MY SENSE?
My anxiety and stress are ballooning. I feel a tight constriction of life strangling me with every sunrise. Months ago, I couldn't sleep at all and now sleep is my only salvation. I can't get enough sleep. When I wake up at 6:00 am, I negotiate why I need to stay in bed until 9:00 am......I haven't slept like this EVER. In my dreams, I find the life I crave. I truly believe that happiness is around the corner.
I DESERVE IT.
I HAVE THIS "FUCK YOU" FANTASY WHERE I SEE EVERYONE I HATE AND I WIN.
AND WHY....WHY...DO I EVEN CARE?!
Because truly inside I cannot figure out if I even care or not and this is most confusing of all.
There is a saying that no matter how old you are, when you come home, you will always be a child and I FEEL that. My parents are the BEST, but still......I am nagged to pick up my room, encourage to eat what my Mom and Dad are having for supper and them shamed for not going to the gym each and every day regardless of my schedule. There are trigger foods in my home that lead me to binges, yet I cannot keep my parents from bringing these foods into their own home....BECAUSE IT IS THEIR HOME and my father has changed so much since he retired, that he wouldn't understand the emotional issues I am having with food, even if I screamed them into his ears with a megaphone.
He used to be there for me, always. Now, he is tired of me. His mother is taking away his patience. I wouldn't want to be him for a day...having to deal with her. I get this. I feel for him. I am not a child. I have to get my own shit together, too.
If I stayed here, in the Midwest, I believe I would eventually become unable to leave my home. I would crumble. Fall apart. Reach 300 pounds before I knew it. I now see life differently. I see how people cannot get out of something they are stuck in and yet, I have been gifted with the 1 way ticket out of this pit. I am lucky.
Just getting up and getting out is a constant struggle. I do it, I do not let people down, but it is becoming a tug of war with my soul. It is becoming something that I can no longer take for granted....just like how my clothes in my closet used to fit and now they don't.....my life feels like it belongs to someone else these days. My coping mechanism is saying the amount of days I have left here until I leave. I repeat the number like a ritual. It gets me through my days.
The visit with Crush was fine. Not that eventful. Good. I cannot relax here in this city, so our visits are always better down south when I am not protecting myself so closely. He frustrates me terribly, but who doesn't these days? I know it is me, NOT him. I am the one having severe issues as of late and accepting my crazy instead of passing it onto to him is major progress in itself.
I have reached my breaking point. Yet, I have WONDERFUL people to help this summer and then I will be on my way out of here and towards a better life. My goal for this summer is to simply survive, to be the BEST worker I can be. To not worry about my weight as I don't see myself being able to commit to it in this uneasy emotional environment for me. I have accepted this. I will cope. One foot in front of the other until the numbers of days left to chant is 0.
Yet, I want revenge. There....I said it. I want blood sucking revenge on a few people and I intend to get it. Like a lady, but I will get it. And the fact that I am even sharing this makes me seem like an unhinged freak....but, hell....perhaps I am. I am a steel magnolia. I may look like I lay down and play dead and get walked all over, but that phase of life has ended. Sorry, if you want to make it public and personal, then it will be public and personal from my side, too....especially if you owe me money for my time.
Please understand that a man cannot fix everything. There I said it. I know I wanted Crush to be my everything. My life preserver in this wild sea of change. BUT, I have to save myself first. Love, money, a big diamond ring....none of that will ever make me feel whole unless I am whole on the inside. And I will have all that. And where I am from, those things: the money, the big ring...that determines who wins. SICK. BUT TRUE. And in those ways, I will win. But, none of this matters to me anymore....and it once did. I have said it before and I will say it again, I kinda dated Awful for his money. Because that defined him and made him more attractive to me. His money presented opportunities and I liked them. HATE ME. I get it, but I am not lying. Yet, Crush has so much more than anything Awful did and I am over it. I wish Crush had less, so we could live a bit of a simpler life with less expectations and obligations.
Where I want to win is by being a good person. An honest person. A real person. A kind person. A person that can actually do all she says she will do.....
I think this is where I am conflicted these days. AND I KNOW BETTER. I have been thin before for little blips and whenever I would slip into those size 29 jeans and strut around like a little proud peacock, I would get this sense of "that's it?" All of the deprivation, hours at the gym, self-obsessing and hatred....that's it?! Yes, of course being slim feels fucking fantastic, but not mind blowing. Just okay, really after the novelty of it wears off. Because 155 pounds or 210 pounds, I am still a bit broken on the inside and this may be my life struggle. Not fixing my outside, but fixing my inside.
So, yes, Crush's love gets me through my days. The promise of tomorrow and September and all that jazz. But, he is just a man. Just a person and like me, far from perfect. He is the one for me, but now that I found him, he is not my entire identity. He is not what defines me. I am still me. I am just no longer single.
I HATED when I was single blog reader and a blogger who I once identified with so much would find a significant other and all of a sudden there was no longer darkness and only LIGHT. Everything was sunshine and roses. AMAZING. Moonlight strolls and sex on the beach. I was her for a little bit, too.
Now, my honeymoon period is over. It is. I think this is where most people stop with the honesty. Because they don't want to admit that what they yearned for is not all they hoped it would be. You can still be head of over heels in love with someone and have bad days, weeks, or months. I met my prince charming and I am still fat, broke, and anxiety-ridden. I am still struggling. I am still conflicted.
On this birthday (in a few days), I give myself a gift that I never have before....the ability to be myself. I hope this will be the gift that keeps on giving, until I am old and gray....To say, do, and feel whatever I want. I give myself the permission to be sad, happy, lonely, or stressed...to accept failure and to learn from it. To eat ice cream for breakfast if that is what my body is truly craving. To have good days even if the scale is not where I want it to be.
This last year, a client that fired me (a miserable person who I should have NEVER agreed to work with....I felt like I HAD to because I helped several of her friends, but it was a bad fit from the very start and I am happy I didn't continue, my biggest mistake was accepting them or not firing them first and this haunts me....) told me that she doesn't know how I can "wake up in the mirror and look at myself because I am such a terrible person, a liar, a con-artist, a fraud." She told me, "I will never make it in life, never amount to anything" that I will "die unhappy and alone and broken" and all I could think was...YOU. You are this person. Not me. You are projecting your life onto me. Your divorce, your failed relationships, your fading beauty.
This conversation has taunted me 100s of times a day. It has. It has given me doubt. It has led me to rush to the toilet and vomit sometimes when I think about it at the gym where my mind really wanders.
It was my rock bottom.
Because none of the things she said are true.
If anything, it was my goodness and heart that she will never understand because she is the example of the kind of person I can never help: vapid, stupid, self obsessed, jealous, cunning, and insincere.
And yet, she fascinates me...how does a person like her get the power to make me unhappy?
This is something I am still working on....
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Can't We ALL Just Get Along
I love other ladies. Not in a sexual way, but I do get a deep girl crush from time to time. I see the appeal in the fairer sex.
I am not a hater of my kind. Yes, I have battled jealously and I am open about it. Sometimes the wave of WANT comes across me so quickly, I don't even know it is happening until I lose my focus and can only see my friend's perfect ass in her $200.00 years, my sister's beautiful newborn, my client's brand new car and house....BUT, everyone gets their own happiness and their own turn and I have learned (through lots of therapy and self reflection) to just chill it out, worry about myself, and live my life for me.
One of the best pieces of advice I have received lately, came from a vendor in my business who told me that he has no real idea of his competition. He doesn't waste his time too much on social media or stalking out people who also offer his same category of services. This helps him through life because he makes his own rules, his own goals, and his own paths Organically, he is different because he isn't worrying about being like everyone else and this makes him successful....his own authenticity is his brand.
Sometimes I get really annoyed when people can't own up to reality. When women can't share their truth because they need to be perfect. You all know that I don't believe in perfection and coming to terms with this has been the best thing I have EVER done for myself. I hate when ladies cannot admit a little weakness.....like that having a newborn is tiring, that dieting leaves you wanting, that being in a relationship isn't always peachy keen and rainbows and sunshine.
Please don't confuse this with negativity. It is the opposite. This is ownership. This is pulling the veil off of life. A gal should be able to ugly cry to her friend because she wants a baby and a man. Then when she gets both of these things, she should be able to ugly cry again because her baby and her man both won't shut up and she is tired. Hell, ask some of my besties....they have seen it all from me.
Now, time for a rant.
I love reading blogs and I LOVE each and every blog I follow. Want to know why? Because each and every one of you in your own way are REAL. You have ups and downs, struggles and successes, you take the time to show the full range, the perspective. It isn't all rainbows and sunshine, just like life. Sometimes I want to like a blog because it is popular, but the baby always sleeps 15 hours a night, the oatmeal 101 different ways is always YUMMY, and the workout is always the BEST EVER and I call a bluff...tell it to me straight sister, or don't tell me at all.
In honor of being real, I share with you 10 honest and true facts about me. If you are up for it, share a few about you!
1. I wet the bed pretty regularly until I was 13.
2. I have stretch marks and cellulite. I have stretch marks on my lower tummy. I fear that when I one day get pregnant, they will spread and I won't be able to wear a bikini and for me wearing a bikini is such freedom because I didn't wear one until I was 21 because of all of my weight issues.
3. I have a big vagina. I have big labia. I know this is a current hot topic, but I do and it used to make me really insecure even though I have actually received many vagina related compliments from men....secret: straight men LOVE ALL KINDS of vagina. I remember the first time I realized my vagina could be different was when one of my college friends got naked when drunk and I really looked at hers and thought, "Shit! mine looks NOTHING like that!"
4. It took me 5 years to graduate from college. I almost flunked out my sophomore year of college because I was so lost, drunk, and depressed (even though in the moment, it was a pretty fun year). It wasn't until I went borderline anorexic at age 20 while on WeightWatchers and lost 30 pounds in 3 months did I realize that most goals can be attainable (not all, most) with focus, determination, and hard work. A person who almost flunked out of college ended up graduating with a 3.4 GPA.
5. I had sex with a person 2 times and remember neither of them because I was so blacked out drunk. He was a friend of a friend. I know I put myself in the situation and all, but sometimes I believe that he took major advantage of me. I sometimes wish I could see what occurred, be a fly on the wall. How did I allow it to happen a second time when I felt so angry, ugly, and betrayed when I woke up the first time (the 2 occurrences were separated by a few months). As I have sought better clarity of my issues, this is one that has been coming forward and it scares me. The darkness and danger I used to put myself in.
6. I binge eat and have since I was 8. My trigger foods are cereal, crackers, chips, and bread. It will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.
7. I believe in ghosts and I have seen them.
8. I accused Crush of having Asperger's (nothing wrong with that, but he doesn't) because he is terrible at casual conversation and in the moment forgets what he is saying and asks people questions he knows the answers to. I was one of the meanest things I have done in a while.
9. I have an anger problem. When I was younger, it was bad. Temper tantrums. Now, I can control it, but one night when I was drunk a few years ago, I hit Awful very hard with my fist. It was after we had a dinner party which I had arranged in honor of his friends and spent all day cooking, decorating, and serving. At 2:00 am in the morning while I was cleaning up, he told me that the outfit I was wearing that night was a "fat girl outfit and that it was highly unflattering." The rage I felt at that moment was white hot. I lunged at him before I knew what I was doing.....I wanted to hurt him more than just a punch, I had to resist the urge. This is the single reason that I no longer allow myself to get out of control with the liquor. Both of my parents as sweet and as lovely as they are, have anger problems, too. They used to hit my Sissy and me. The way to end a fight in my home is to break something. Once the glass shatters, the make up process begins.
10. If I could be anything in the world, it would be a famous comedian. I sometimes wish I would have honed my skills a bit more and actually pursued it for a bit. Tina Fey and Chelsea Handler are 2 of my idols.
AND DISCUSS.....
I am not a hater of my kind. Yes, I have battled jealously and I am open about it. Sometimes the wave of WANT comes across me so quickly, I don't even know it is happening until I lose my focus and can only see my friend's perfect ass in her $200.00 years, my sister's beautiful newborn, my client's brand new car and house....BUT, everyone gets their own happiness and their own turn and I have learned (through lots of therapy and self reflection) to just chill it out, worry about myself, and live my life for me.
One of the best pieces of advice I have received lately, came from a vendor in my business who told me that he has no real idea of his competition. He doesn't waste his time too much on social media or stalking out people who also offer his same category of services. This helps him through life because he makes his own rules, his own goals, and his own paths Organically, he is different because he isn't worrying about being like everyone else and this makes him successful....his own authenticity is his brand.
Sometimes I get really annoyed when people can't own up to reality. When women can't share their truth because they need to be perfect. You all know that I don't believe in perfection and coming to terms with this has been the best thing I have EVER done for myself. I hate when ladies cannot admit a little weakness.....like that having a newborn is tiring, that dieting leaves you wanting, that being in a relationship isn't always peachy keen and rainbows and sunshine.
Please don't confuse this with negativity. It is the opposite. This is ownership. This is pulling the veil off of life. A gal should be able to ugly cry to her friend because she wants a baby and a man. Then when she gets both of these things, she should be able to ugly cry again because her baby and her man both won't shut up and she is tired. Hell, ask some of my besties....they have seen it all from me.
Now, time for a rant.
I love reading blogs and I LOVE each and every blog I follow. Want to know why? Because each and every one of you in your own way are REAL. You have ups and downs, struggles and successes, you take the time to show the full range, the perspective. It isn't all rainbows and sunshine, just like life. Sometimes I want to like a blog because it is popular, but the baby always sleeps 15 hours a night, the oatmeal 101 different ways is always YUMMY, and the workout is always the BEST EVER and I call a bluff...tell it to me straight sister, or don't tell me at all.
In honor of being real, I share with you 10 honest and true facts about me. If you are up for it, share a few about you!
1. I wet the bed pretty regularly until I was 13.
2. I have stretch marks and cellulite. I have stretch marks on my lower tummy. I fear that when I one day get pregnant, they will spread and I won't be able to wear a bikini and for me wearing a bikini is such freedom because I didn't wear one until I was 21 because of all of my weight issues.
3. I have a big vagina. I have big labia. I know this is a current hot topic, but I do and it used to make me really insecure even though I have actually received many vagina related compliments from men....secret: straight men LOVE ALL KINDS of vagina. I remember the first time I realized my vagina could be different was when one of my college friends got naked when drunk and I really looked at hers and thought, "Shit! mine looks NOTHING like that!"
4. It took me 5 years to graduate from college. I almost flunked out my sophomore year of college because I was so lost, drunk, and depressed (even though in the moment, it was a pretty fun year). It wasn't until I went borderline anorexic at age 20 while on WeightWatchers and lost 30 pounds in 3 months did I realize that most goals can be attainable (not all, most) with focus, determination, and hard work. A person who almost flunked out of college ended up graduating with a 3.4 GPA.
5. I had sex with a person 2 times and remember neither of them because I was so blacked out drunk. He was a friend of a friend. I know I put myself in the situation and all, but sometimes I believe that he took major advantage of me. I sometimes wish I could see what occurred, be a fly on the wall. How did I allow it to happen a second time when I felt so angry, ugly, and betrayed when I woke up the first time (the 2 occurrences were separated by a few months). As I have sought better clarity of my issues, this is one that has been coming forward and it scares me. The darkness and danger I used to put myself in.
6. I binge eat and have since I was 8. My trigger foods are cereal, crackers, chips, and bread. It will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.
7. I believe in ghosts and I have seen them.
8. I accused Crush of having Asperger's (nothing wrong with that, but he doesn't) because he is terrible at casual conversation and in the moment forgets what he is saying and asks people questions he knows the answers to. I was one of the meanest things I have done in a while.
9. I have an anger problem. When I was younger, it was bad. Temper tantrums. Now, I can control it, but one night when I was drunk a few years ago, I hit Awful very hard with my fist. It was after we had a dinner party which I had arranged in honor of his friends and spent all day cooking, decorating, and serving. At 2:00 am in the morning while I was cleaning up, he told me that the outfit I was wearing that night was a "fat girl outfit and that it was highly unflattering." The rage I felt at that moment was white hot. I lunged at him before I knew what I was doing.....I wanted to hurt him more than just a punch, I had to resist the urge. This is the single reason that I no longer allow myself to get out of control with the liquor. Both of my parents as sweet and as lovely as they are, have anger problems, too. They used to hit my Sissy and me. The way to end a fight in my home is to break something. Once the glass shatters, the make up process begins.
10. If I could be anything in the world, it would be a famous comedian. I sometimes wish I would have honed my skills a bit more and actually pursued it for a bit. Tina Fey and Chelsea Handler are 2 of my idols.
AND DISCUSS.....
Sunday, February 3, 2013
I Just Have to Snark for 1 Minute Here
I couldn't sleep last night.
I went out to supper for one of my best friend's birthdays and ate a yummy meal with a few lovely couples. They spoke ALL about their beautiful little ones and I got a bit of baby fever.....
When I returned, I spoke to Crush until the very wee hours of the morning and then I couldn't sleep.
So I started cyberstalking which is tough when you aren't on Facebook, but where there is a will, there is a way.
Well, my number one stalking target was indeed Awful. Which is indeed awful.
Please try not to judge me for what I am going to say.......I just HAVE to share.
Awful looks awful and I am feeling smug.
You see, when we dated, I started off thin and ending up fat. Awful LOVED to eat and drink (as do I) and has really bad habits and many of them rubbed off on me. I got lazy and complacent. He also over packed our social schedule, so that I rarely had time for me. He would say, "the gym is for soulless yuppies who are blood sucking perfectionists, " and then slam a homemade beer and a slice of pizza. I was depressed and looking for a reason not to move, it was a match made in lazy.
We became the fat couple. I HATED being the fat couple. Especially because ALL of my friends are gorgeous with great figures. Champagne problems people. I begged Awful to come to the gym with me, to walk with me, to ride bikes with me, to support me. He never wanted to. He only wanted to drink, eat, and make social plans and compete with me about who had more friends. Awful was a frenemy I just realized. I know 7th grade girls nicer and less manipulative than him. Oy.
In an effort to help Awful not explode (he carried ALL of his weight in his belly and looked 10 months pregnant), I paid for his gym membership and bought him 6 personal trainer sessions. He NEVER went or used them....that is, until I dumped him.
Awful is ALL or NOTHING just like me. This is major reason we couldn't work, not even as friends, we are too much the same.
So, as soon as I left him, he went totally ALL into a fitness and egg white and tuna routine. He lost like 50 pounds in 6 weeks. Truth, I am being mean, but he is one of the rare people who looks better chubby (Jennifer Hudson is part of this short list) than thin. But, at the same time, his new thinness made me jealous, insanely jealous. He won. I was still fat. He was thin and ALSO had slept with someone like a week after I left officially. So, I felt stung by the skinny and the sex.
Well, let me tell you something....while I was stalking, I stumbled (SOUGHT OUT) upon photos of Awful from now, 1 full year after I last saw him in the flesh and he isn't looking so hot. In these photos, he is holding a beer (OF COURSE), dancing like a moron (I can kinda respect that because I love dancing like a moron), and drum roll please.....he is chubby again. Perhaps not as fat as he was when we broke up (nor am I), but not a lollipop head either.
And with the realization that he didn't look skinny, I smiled to myself and was able to fall into a very deep sleep.
And I dreamt of Crush and our future baby who happened to be really cute, chubby, and male.
I went out to supper for one of my best friend's birthdays and ate a yummy meal with a few lovely couples. They spoke ALL about their beautiful little ones and I got a bit of baby fever.....
When I returned, I spoke to Crush until the very wee hours of the morning and then I couldn't sleep.
So I started cyberstalking which is tough when you aren't on Facebook, but where there is a will, there is a way.
Well, my number one stalking target was indeed Awful. Which is indeed awful.
Please try not to judge me for what I am going to say.......I just HAVE to share.
Awful looks awful and I am feeling smug.
You see, when we dated, I started off thin and ending up fat. Awful LOVED to eat and drink (as do I) and has really bad habits and many of them rubbed off on me. I got lazy and complacent. He also over packed our social schedule, so that I rarely had time for me. He would say, "the gym is for soulless yuppies who are blood sucking perfectionists, " and then slam a homemade beer and a slice of pizza. I was depressed and looking for a reason not to move, it was a match made in lazy.
We became the fat couple. I HATED being the fat couple. Especially because ALL of my friends are gorgeous with great figures. Champagne problems people. I begged Awful to come to the gym with me, to walk with me, to ride bikes with me, to support me. He never wanted to. He only wanted to drink, eat, and make social plans and compete with me about who had more friends. Awful was a frenemy I just realized. I know 7th grade girls nicer and less manipulative than him. Oy.
In an effort to help Awful not explode (he carried ALL of his weight in his belly and looked 10 months pregnant), I paid for his gym membership and bought him 6 personal trainer sessions. He NEVER went or used them....that is, until I dumped him.
Awful is ALL or NOTHING just like me. This is major reason we couldn't work, not even as friends, we are too much the same.
So, as soon as I left him, he went totally ALL into a fitness and egg white and tuna routine. He lost like 50 pounds in 6 weeks. Truth, I am being mean, but he is one of the rare people who looks better chubby (Jennifer Hudson is part of this short list) than thin. But, at the same time, his new thinness made me jealous, insanely jealous. He won. I was still fat. He was thin and ALSO had slept with someone like a week after I left officially. So, I felt stung by the skinny and the sex.
Well, let me tell you something....while I was stalking, I stumbled (SOUGHT OUT) upon photos of Awful from now, 1 full year after I last saw him in the flesh and he isn't looking so hot. In these photos, he is holding a beer (OF COURSE), dancing like a moron (I can kinda respect that because I love dancing like a moron), and drum roll please.....he is chubby again. Perhaps not as fat as he was when we broke up (nor am I), but not a lollipop head either.
And with the realization that he didn't look skinny, I smiled to myself and was able to fall into a very deep sleep.
And I dreamt of Crush and our future baby who happened to be really cute, chubby, and male.
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