So Much To Say AND So Hard To Say It

Hi out there!

I hope all is well and that everyone had a wonderful Tday.

I spent mine in South Carolina and it was lovely.  I missed my own family dearly, but I enjoy (most) of Crush's, so it was a nice celebration.

I have a lot to say and yet I feel myself pulling back.  I am censoring myself a bit which I don't like.  For a while, I played around with the idea of revealing more of myself and sharing photos and all that on this blog.  After much consideration, I finally decided that I just don't feel comfortable with this  right now.

I am still trying to get my legs here and life is great, but is it perfect? Of course not.  I had a bunch of less anonymous posts planned (they are in my draft box) and I felt major doubt and anxiety about unveiling myself every single time I went to press the publish button.  I have to trust my instincts.

I am in the process of looking for a full-time job blah blah blah and the REAL truth here: Crush's family is sadly VERY judgmental and I fear that if they read ALL of what I have said here and I have said a lot, well then, I guess I worry that they wouldn't like me and they wouldn't understand me.  Then, I stress that my fiance wouldn't want to marry me.....HOLY REVELATION TIME!!!!!!

I am me.  I am this person now and she is pretty great.  BUT, I have a past.  A past a bit juicer than Crush's.

Crush is getting better at being his own man, but he is very influenced by his family and that is actually a good thing because his parents are awesome and quite sensible.

But.....well, there is a big piece of this puzzle I am leaving out, so here goes.....

Let's just say that Crush's little sister is a force to be reckoned with and I don't want to face that force head on.  I am totally afraid of her in some ways because she is utterly unpredictable.  Her favorite current form of entertainment is looking up a Facebook profile of one of her "friends" and publicly ripping that person apart....ruthlessly. To say I find her appalling would be an understatement.  She is the text book definition of a mean girl.  The only silver lining,  I have experience with this type of gal.  I remember high school well and let's not even start with the countless vapid bridezillas I have dealt with over the last few years.  And perhaps even more important, Crush thinks she acts like an idiot too, but he is not one to ruffle feathers or speak his mind.  We are working on this.  I bet his family won't like it, but as much as I love his sweetness,  I also need some balls and a backbone.

She leaves me exhausted.

I don't think there is anyway to avoid having her as a bridesmaid even though I would seriously entertain eloping in order to avoid having her around me on my wedding.  She is just everything I am against and I find it very telling that Crush says that he "despises girls like his sister" because we are so different.  Any romantic fan of hers wouldn't be a fan of mine.

More to come on her, I have a whole post dedicated to her commentary.

Crush knows EVERYTHING about me, but of course, there are some personal things that his family doesn't.  Things from my past that I am sure they would find concerning.  I went through a phase where I dabbled in cocaine a little bit.  I have eating issues.  I used to drink because I was so depressed.  I used to get very angry.  I have been in several abusive relationships where I made myself a willing victim.

I am finding that by keeping to myself, being a good listener and staying friendly,  I am okay.  These are not traits that come easy for me.  All of my life experiences have come together as a coping mechanism.

I am thinking of continuing to blog here and then in due time, making a new public blog that shares more of my life openly.  There, things will be a bit more sunshine and rainbows as most public blogs are.  I want to tell the good and the bad, I just know that if I show my face, I will only tell the good and what fun is that to read, if you know it is STILL ME behind all of my shiny posts?  I am not a perfect person.  I never will be.

I guess the harsh reality is that I have everything I have ever wanted.  A bright future, a man that adores me (I am so lucky here) and future financial stability.  But, there is always something.   Starting with a mean girl sister-in-law is something not to be ignored.