Clean and Dirty

Sometimes I wonder how lucky I am to still be alive.

I was never really into hard drugs, but I did a bunch of stupid shit in my life.  I loved getting wasted, I made moronic decisions and I took insane risks.

For some reason, I am SUPER sad about the recent passing of Finn from Glee.  I only watched the first season before I tired of it, but he seemed kind and reminded me of a boy in high school I once crushed on so super bad.  I made him out to be this pure person without knowing anything about his personal non-Glee life.

Heroin terrifies me.  I just don't get it, but I have never tried it.  I have seen Intervention and Trainspotting and sitting on a bare mattress with your eyes all rolled back in your head drooling while you pee and vomit and poop yourself.  Not sexy.

If we want to glorify a drug, let's dump an eight ball of coke on the table and snort it up before we dance on the table with our high heels on.

In a past life, I loved smoking pot.  I am better stoned than drunk.  I get silly, I tell stories, I love listening to music.  I am actually good high company.  Trust me.  I also get the munchies super bad, so it isn't something I would partake in so much these days in light of my food issues.  Oh yeah, I also have no brain cells or memory left to spare from all of my years of living the high good life.

Crush is pure.  He isn't much of the party pants.  He can count the times he has been really drunk on 2 hands.  He has never smoked pot and I respect him.  Hell, I was always susceptible to peer pressure because I wanted to escape from myself and fit in.  I give him great credit for being able to be himself, unaltered.

But, Crush is DIRTY.  Dirty in bed and dirty in life.

The dirty in life gets to me much worse than the other kind of dirty.

Crush lives in a way that is disgusting to me.  Messy.  Shit everywhere.  His white t's have a brown tint from the way he washes them.  His toilet reminded me of the grossest bathroom in America which just so happens to be at a bar at my alma mater.  The icing on the gross cake was him telling me that he hasn't washed his bed sheets or towels in months when I asked him.  And yes, I knew the answer before I inquired as everything in his place smelled a little sour, like a frat house.

I have never stayed at his place because filth like his gives me the creepy crawly willies.  IT MAKES ME HAVE NIGHTMARES.

Yet, I was once SO DIRTY.  Like when I think back on how I used to live in college and my early 20's, I gag.  Yes, I just gagged.  I was so super disgusting that I was almost equal to Crush.  I should have saved my rent money because I could have lived in a dumpster with my former standard of cleanliness.

I used to admire my friends for being able to live so neatly.  It didn't come easily to me and then one day I woke up and I was living alone and had some space and my own closets and the OCD set it.  Clean as a whistle.

If Crush will let me, I will help him clean out his place little by little before we ever move in together.  It isn't exactly Hoarders bad, but it is FAR from good.

I may call College Hunks Hauling Junk to help Crush reduce his mess.

I will have me some dirty thoughts of my own while we get clean.