Sexy Dreams and Busy Times and Reality Checks

It has been busy around here.  Summer is always my busiest time of year.  When I move down South, I can't wait to have summer stretch a little past September.  Extra bonus that I will be very close to the beach.  I haven't enjoyed summer in years and I miss it.  Aside from a fabulous beach vacation last year, I yearn for a time that I am able to stretch out all day under the sun on a weekend, reading a book.  Perfection.

WeightWatchers is chugging along.  I am down another 2 pounds this week. Excited.  Especially because it is THAT time of the month and I am very bloated and also a chocolate monster.  Couple that with my favorite pizza, sushi, and some AMAZING Costco vanilla cake this past week....well, I was not expecting a loss and I will take it.  I have been great about planning my meals and tracking every bite (good and bad) and getting to the gym.  My gym is open 24 hours, so that helps.  

Facing reality about my food addiction is eye opening.  I never eat because I am hungry.  I don't even  know what true hunger feels like anymore.  I am beginning to learn how to detect my hunger in therapy.  I really believe that I am learning the skills I need to know to tackle my eating obsession for life.  It is making me feel hopeful. 

Okay....here is a little confession. I keep having a sex dream about someone that is NOT Crush.

Well, a few months ago, a male friend of mine tried to kiss me one time when we were out.  This person has since become someone I trust and love to spend time with.  I think of him more as a gal than a guy and for most of our friendship, we have both been in serious relationships.  Now he is single.  

See, I don't have many friends anymore in my city that I feel I can spend time with even though I have friends here that I care deeply about.  This may be in my head more than anything, but most of my friends are married and have children and I simply don't feel like imposing in on plans.  I hate burdening people.  I also have serious social anxiety, so I like to avoid "popular" hot spots where I feel like I could see people I know.  This male friend is artsy and in some ways much cooler than me.  His group of friends patron places that I have never been or even heard of and it has really opened my eyes to the city I have lived in or around most of my life.  I always feel like an adventure is in store when we spend time together and I find myself staying out way later than I ever plan to with him because I am having so much fun.

I never have guy friends that stick around for long.  After a while, they always try to have sex with me, or they believe I like them (I am flirty and obnoxious by nature, but I actually crush on people very little) and that makes things super awkward.  All through my 20's, any guy I ever thought was my friend, either disappeared (because they thought I liked them) or snapped and did something very odd: called me to tell me they loved me at 4:00 am, waited in my lobby all night to talk to me to tell me that they can't stop thinking about me,  let me sleep over when I was drunk (and not make-out) and then never spoke to me again, or threw a drink in my face and called me a tease at a happy hour....

This male friend is different.  We like the same things (which is odd because I have strange taste), we love the same music, we can talk about roller coasters for hours. He feels like hanging out with my sister, who is seriously such a cool and funny person to waste a few hours with.

When my friend tried to kiss me a while back, we were enjoying some martinis and he told me that he loves how I smell.  I will say, I have a signature scent (I wear an oil that I have been wearing since I was 12) and men seem to love it, always.  He then started smelling the nape of my neck....told me I have a beautiful neck and then well.....he started kissing it.  KISSING MY NECK!  Do you know how much I love having my neck kissed?  Like to infinity.  LOVE IT.  It all happened so fast, I didn't know how to stop it until I moved away so abruptly that I tripped over a bar stool.  

We both started laughing and it broke the moment. 

The neck kiss in itself was so telling that the sex between us would be incredible.  I feel like the tenderness of a kiss is the true reveler of sexual compatibility.  This was right on.  And....well, Crush and I are still working on our kissing and neck kissing.  Crush is a bit less experienced than my friend.  But, he is open to direction and I love him so much, that it is lovely when we are intimate, but it won't be INCREDIBLE until I move and we can practice often.    Crush has a hard time with foreplay because he gets so excited.  Sometimes in bed, I feel like he turns into a horny 16 year old.  Things are all over the place.  

I often felt this way in college.  The guys had no idea what they were doing.  And after college, I dated a lot of OLDER men.  They knew what they were doing.  They worshipped my body and were tender, slow, and seductive.  I love that.  I love feeling worshipped.  Oy.  I just admitted that.

My friend, well, he gets a lot of tail.  I know it.  He knows it.  I bet we could have fun naked.  I say this as someone who loves and appreciates male prowess. His neck kiss was just spot on. 

Even since then, when we hang out, we do not discuss the drunken neck kiss.  I decided I value his company too much and I have boyfriend and he knows it and he is still a guy, so he doesn't need to talk about everything like I do.  I even resisted making a few jokes about it and he dates all the time, so I thought we were past needing to discuss it.  

Last week while we were having lunch with his friend, he told his pal randomly right in front of me, "I tried to make out with R&F a few months ago.  She just smells too good and has the best lips, I couldn't help it.  I respect her relationship and all that, but (and he looked me dead in the eye), if things don't work out for her and her boyfriend, I would love to spend a night with her.  I think about it a lot.  Her beauty has grown on me and I consider her to be one of the most gorgeous women I know because she has such a good heart.  And I mean, her face kills me and from what I can tell, cute boobs.  She is also hilarious."

I almost choked on my soup.  SO AWKWARD.  It was just such an open confession and well....flattering, but also sexy.  He looked me right in the eye and told me that he wanted me.  Bold.  Confident.  Seductive. He chose to address it to his friend, so it felt safer and less scary than if we were alone.  I bet he knew that telling me alone would have freaked me out as he tells me that I freak out over nothing all of them time. 

For the last few nights, I have been having epic sex dreams..staring my friend and not my Crush.  And it feels so real.  And in the dreams, I am single. And then I wake up and I feel relieved because I don't want to sleep with my friend and because I love my boyfriend.

So, what will happen?  Nothing.  I love my friend, but he is not the one for me.  I love wanting what I can't have.  I know this.  I also love being wanted.

Since I have gained weight from my emotional eating, moved home, and I am over 30, well, I rarely feel wanted.  I rarely feel beautiful.  I feel awesome when I am with Crush, but since we do not live in the same place yet, it isn't a feeling in my daily life yet.  I feel fat, ugly, and like a failure more than I want to admit.  This feeling of being wanted....I can see why people could cheat.  Could crave validation.  Could do things they normally wouldn't.  I sorta get it now. 

The male friendships that have been broken and the cold drinks that have been thrown in my face....well, maybe I wasn't so innocent after all.  Maybe, I made a guy friend think they had a chance when they never did...especially because I was always single.  Because I needed everyone to tell me how awesome, pretty, and funny I was.  Because I had horrible self-esteem.

I am beginning to think all of my past male friends believed I wanted them (that's why some of them acted on it) when all I ever really wanted was their approval. 

This feels different.  Sexual tension aside.  This may just be the only guy friend that sticks around because we are actually friends and we can address the obvious.  Given different circumstances...well, getting naked could have happened.  Not forever, just for one night.