Product Review: Kiehl's Conditioner and Grooming Aid - Formula 133

In an effort to clean out my toiletry drawer before I move, I am using up all of my beauty samples...even the ones that are a few decades years old.

I finally decided to break into a little bottle of Kiehl's Conditioner and Grooming Aid - Formula 133 that I have been "saving" for a special occasion....

Well, it is AWESOME.

I don't need another expensive beauty product in my arsenal, but this is worth every cent.

A few years ago, right after I moved home, I got 1 of the worst haircuts of my life.  My mom made me go because she thought a little sprucing up would brighten my mood.  Unfortunately, the lady she sent me to for my makeover, didn't speak English well....a simple trim turned into an 8 inch haircut in a matter of seconds.

I wasn't ready for such a change.

Hair flew off my head before I could protest.

It was soul crushing.

Since since, I have been growing back my hair (1 of my favorite features) to it's signature length (right below my breasts), but instead of growing back thick and wavy (like it was before the CHOP), it has become a thin, lifeless, and drab curtain.  The stylist razored my strands and my hair didn't like it.  Sad.

After I used my sample the other day, I couldn't believe the results.  My hair was BACK.  There is hope.

And it wasn't just in my mind, all of the clients I saw that day complimented it.  One even asked if I had extensions in.....I was on a good hair day high!

This product can be used as a standard rinse-out conditioner or as a leave-in one.  I sampled it as both. That's just how I roll.

I used about a quarter sized amount in the shower and rinsed it out.  I then finger combed about a pea sized amount through my freshly washed and towel dried hair post shower.

VAVOOM!

I always air dry my hair before I style it (I flat iron the ends and put a few large curls/waves in after that with a curling iron) and I almost didn't even have to style it....it looked THAT good.

My hair dried all sexy, thick, wavy, shiny, and beachy.

I just ordered a big bottle in the hopes of recreating this magic mane miracle again and again.

Try it.

Isn't It Ironic?

I go to an obnoxious gym.  Suburban life at it's finest.  70 year old plastic ladies in teeny bikinis,  $100,000 luxury cars parked across 3 spaces, and juicy infidelity gossip shared at the smoothie stand that gets immediately twisted in the locker room.

Yet, I have been there a lot.  Because I need to be.  And the bonus is that I hardly know anyone there, so it is worth it to me to go somewhere annoying if I can be anonymous.

Something I find very ironic at my gym are the parking lot wars. Members circle close spots like it is Black Friday at the mall.  Aren't you there to work out?  What is a few extra steps if you plan to do an hour on the treadmill?

Last week, I witnessed a blond in a Lexus SUV and a brunette in a Range Rover get into a bitch fight over a parking spot.  Both had children under 3 in their fancy rides.  Seriously, this isn't The Real Housewives of 24 Hour Gyms....move on....move on!

I laughed at how ridiculous the entire situation was and parked in the furthest spot possible.  Then I walked right by the fight on my way in, so I could here the ridiculous rants of, "move your car because I was here FIIIIIIRRRSSSSTTTTT" to remind myself that people like this are morons and I never want to become one.

Ever since then, I have been parking far away when I visit anywhere with a huge parking lot.

I decided that the extra steps and avoiding drama are both positives.....but if you decide to get into a public fight...I will be gawking....I love me drama from afar.

Older

Lately, I feel older.  Not old, just older.

I am not upset about my age, 32.  Sometimes, I get a bit miffed and depressed that I am not married, that I am childless, and that I am not a homeowner.  But, I know that I am a late bloomer and I always have been.  Often I get my good a bit later that most, but it is always worth the wait.

I feel old because my body and what I can tolerate are changing.

No longer can I be on my feet for 2 days straight without my back hurting a bit.  I can't have 3 dirty martinis (my favorite) without a SEVERE hangover.  I feel it when I don't workout.  Fast food makes me bloated, tired, and miserable.  Less than 7 hours of sleep creates HUGE under eye bags and a piss poor attitude.

I was once so resilient and I didn't even know it.

Back in the day, I could slam a fifth of Jim Beam and wake up and work a double shift at 2 different jobs the very next day.  I could eat an entire pizza and drink 8 cans of diet soda in 1 afternoon without even a belch.  I could sleep 2 hours a night for 3 weeks straight and look adorable and not have a mental breakdown.

And yet, I am not at all upset about my older status.

I like how my body is checking me.  Telling me that I must make smart decisions or I will feel it.  I know that if I skip the gym, eat dirty, or miss my sleep...well, I won't be the best me and I like the me I am becoming now, so I am making better decisions.

Long gone are the days of cigarettes, Big Macs (I am still craving 1 from time to time), bottles (glasses are okay) of wine, and 3 1/2 hours of sleep.  I am not sad about this.  I am actually very happy that I am figuring out what my body needs now and I am quickly learning how to listen to her.

Prior to this year, I never had a mind body connection.  I couldn't stop eating when I was full, I couldn't go to sleep when I was tired, and I couldn't workout to relieve my stress.....I just didn't get what I needed to make me feel good.

So, this is progress.  Listening to my inner voice to make the best choices for me.

And as my age goes up, hopefully the scale will go down.

Going to Graceland

Crush and I planned to not see each other at all this summer.  I am super busy finishing up my work obligations and I am focusing on bettering myself with diet, exercise, and therapy.  When I get in the zone, it is best for me to stay there a while.

The other day, Crush called me to tell me that he just had to see me.  Atypical behavior for him as he is often a cool customer.  Crush shared that he would love to spend a few days away just the 2 of us.  His treat.  In neither of our hometowns, so we can relax, sleep in, and do whatever we want to do.  Crush would plan and book all of the details.  How could I say no?

We actually need this little trip very much.  The last few visits have been full of events, family, and friends.  We have had many incredible times in the company of the ones we love, but we haven't had a just us visit since NYE.

I like alone time with my significant other.  Many of my past relationships didn't allow for this after a while and I believe that in some ways it is what helped destroy the bonds that started strong and weakened over time.  Couples need to plan the "just the 2 of us" time even if it is a mere date a few times a month to reconnect.  There has been so much excitement about the future that Crush and I have lost a bit of the we that we shared in the beginning.

So, in 5 weeks, Crush and I will be heading to Memphis.  We plan to tour Graceland, Sun Studios, and the Gibson Guitar Factory.  We will tear up the town on Beale, see the ducks parade at The Peabody Hotel, and have some nice suppers.  Crush said it best, "I just want to have fun with my miss" and I agree, I can't wait to walk hand in hand, have some happy hour cocktails overlooking the Mississippi River, and order late night room service.  I plan to even bring my workout clothes, so I can balance the BBQ with some cardio.  I have learned that even the littlest changes in the right direction can create some big results.

Crush and I will also celebrate our first anniversary of correspondence and Mister Crush's 35th birthday while we are in Memphis.  Last year, the week I will now be spending with Crush in Memphis, I spent with Smartie Best Friend down South while she helped her gorgeous littlest sister acclimate to college at a major institution in a little sleepy state.  I had an incredible time: I got mistaken for a mom (of a college aged kid!) several times, drank many incredible martinis, and had out of control good sushi and Thai.  I reminisced about college, felt old, felt thankful that I wasn't in college anymore (I need my sleep now), and I even slept on a freshman door room floor after I had a 2 hour laughing fit with Smartie and her sis about it (I think my back still hurts from this...!).

I remember telling Smartie Best Friend about this guy on Match.com who lived in a different city than me and no way or how did I EVER expect that a year later I would be moving 1200 miles towards a new life with him.  I must admit that I was a bit of a bitter betty on the college trip as I was feeling very desperate, alone, and lost.  I started this blog soon thereafter....never thinking that I would meet Crush in person in October and we would fall in love so quickly.

It is a pretty neat story now that I think about it.  I wished for my Crush on a Florida trip with 1 of my best friends in June 2012 and sent my first email back to Crush on a college trip with 1 of my best friends in August 2012....KISMET!

I have said it before and I will say it again, you just never know when your life will change....

Have any of you glorious readers been or live in Memphis?  If so, please share some of your hot spot and restaurant recommendations.  We will be doing mostly touristy stuff, but I know it is always best to ask suggestions from those in the know when it comes to music, food, and booze.  Any ideas are appreciated!!!!

Forbidden Foods

I am getting real with myself and my food addiction.

It sucks.

It has made me SUPER emotional and that is a good thing.  I need to get to the root of my issues.

Food has always been a coping mechanism for me.  I use it as a drug.  To escape reality.  To soothe myself.  It is my sanctuary.

One of my recent discoveries has been shocking.  In therapy, I have had to identify my trigger foods and as I have shared before...they aren't even things I necessarily like.  They are:

Wheat Thins
Triscuits
Pepperidge Farm Cookies (Butter and Milano)
Cereal
Granola Bars
Nuts
White Bread

Other things I really LOVE like pizza, Cheetos, and candy are an indulgence and I actually do not think of them in a negative light.  These items are rarely in the house and are not unhealthy things for me passing for heathy (like some of the items above), so I can clearly identify their potential damage for me if I eat them in excess.

I know I can handle a splurge from time to time if I plan for it and let myself let go and enjoy it within moderation.

One of the things I have recently learned is that everyone is so different with what triggers them.  A binge food for me may be a safe and nutritious food for someone else.  Binging is super personal and foods that make people spiral range from fruit to double bacon cheeseburgers.  The addiction is my own, so the solution has to be my own as well.

The items I listed above are foods that have always been in my parents' home.  From my earliest memories these are the foods we had to grab in the pantry.  My parents didn't believe in real junk (potato chips, soda, Hostess cakes), so when I started to binge actively in third grade, these are the snacks I stuffed myself with.  Over the last 18 months, these are the same items that have been tripping me up time and time again.

I made a major breakthrough in my eating therapy last week.  I just have to avoid these foods.  Since I do not even like these items that much, giving them up isn't that hard.  I just have to stay present and know that the snack shelf in the pantry isn't my shelf.  It belongs to my parents.  When I go back to my independent life, these items will never be in the house and now that I know how damaging they are for me, I will never buy them.

Since I rebooted my WeightWatchers, I have been eating real whole foods with little treats thrown in here and there.  Here is an example of a typical eating day for me:

Breakfast #1 (Pre-Workout):
- 2 light string cheeses
- 1 Nonfat Greek yogurt
- Iced coffee with 2 tablespoons half and half and 1 tablespoon vanilla syrup

Breakfast #2 (Post-Workout):
- 1 slice American cheese
- 3 egg whites cooked in 1 tablespoon real butter

Lunch:
- 5 ounces of breaded chicken cutlet (skinless, boneless breast) cooked in 1 tablespoon of olive oil
- Sliced tomatoes, cucumber, carrots
- Steamed corn on the cob and zucchini

Snack:
- Fruit smoothie made with fresh frozen fruit (nectarine, peach, berries, banana), 1 cup skim milk, 1 tablespoon vanilla syrup

Dinner:
- 4 ounces of grilled hanger steak
- Sliced tomatoes, cucumber, carrots
- 1 medium baked potato with 1 tablespoon real butter and 1 tablespoon real sour cream

Dessert:
- 1 vanilla ice cream dixie cup
- 1 cup cherries

Happy Tuesday!!!!

We All Have Issues

I have been so MIA.  Just working.  It is SUPER busy with work.  I slept no more than 20 hours TOTAL last week and this is just the nature of my job some months.  Excited to hit a different pace in less than 10 weeks!

The move is creeping up and I am feeling positive.  I think I found a place to live (Crush is checking it out for me this afternoon) and the resume is all updated and ready to send.  I have been making healthy food choices (for the most part) and trying to get to the gym when I can.  This last week was all about work and the next 3 will be as well, but when I can, I am popping by the gym to get in some quick cardio.  At the very least, it helps with my depression and psoriasis (so not sexy!).

So, I lost another pound.  I am staring the almost 10 pound mark in the eye and I know this time is the real time.  Big changes for me are being worked on a daily basis.  I am eating real food for the first time in my life and losing weight.  I don't want to lose the weight eating only Lean Cuisines, butter spray, and diet soda.  And I say this because several times that I lost weight it was because I did it with all diet products and fake foods.  I feel good.  People have been telling me how beautiful my skin is (my face skin as I still have psoriasis a bit on the arms and knees, but it is improving) and it has been years since I have heard this.  I am wearing far less makeup and I am feeling attractive.  I guess no soda, lots of fruits and veggies, less junk, and minimal booze does make me better looking.  I never said I wasn't vain.

Today, after my WW meeting, I hopped over to the gym for a quick cardio session.  I have a few gym pet peeves:

1.  Why do all women under 25 wear underpants to the gym as shorts?  What is up with those booty biter teeny gym daisy dukes?  I mean, butt cheeks and vaginas should not be exposed while on the elliptical.  I thought camel toes were not a fashion statement when they can be avoided....Some gals have the figure for it and some don't and I am not even hating on that (BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE THE FIGURE FOR THEM AND WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT THAT)....I just feel that it must be more comfortable to not have 2 inches of "shorts" ride up your crotch on the stair climber.

2.  Not wiping off the machine after you usees it.  This is obvious.  Don't be gross (man who is 75 and wears the cut Gold's Gym tank top with exposed sides that reach the top of your sweat pants, I am talking to you).  I wipe off my machine....now you try it too.  Can't we all just pull our own weight?  The takers of the world don't wipe machines and the givers do, I decided.

3.  Asking me when I will be done with something/standing right next to the machine I am using while I am trying to reduce my mass while sighing, tapping your foot, and staring at your watch.  Manners people!  Manners.  I get that everyone has a machine they like to use and we are all in a hurry. Be an adult, wait your turn, and plan for Plan B.  Sometimes there is someone on the spin bike with the clip in petals I like to use, so I bring regular gym shoes, too.  Because when someone is in the zone pedaling away, I don't want to tap them on the shoulder, make them drop their headphones, and ruin their concentration to ask them to please hurry (this has happened to me multiple times). When I am at the gym, I celebrate the fact that I am there.  The gym's policy is 60 minutes per machine and I follow that rule, so don't ask me to get off 3 minutes after I got on (lady with the pink exercise mini skirt....I direct this at you!).

A little more gym chat......no matter what time I am at the gym, there are always 2 different ladies there.  It dawned on me today that they have an exercise addiction.  They are both less than 100 pounds dripping wet (which they do from all the exercise), do cardio non-stop, and look like nutritionally, they aren't perhaps eating enough......sad.  It makes me so sad.  I think they compete against one another for who is there the longest and I believe they are there at least 4-6 hours a day.  Last week, I forget my headphones and went back in the afternoon between appointments and they were both still there...4 hours later, so I am not being my normal dramatic self.

I am telling you....as I go to the gym more and at infrequent times, I always see them.  Well, almost always and for the most part they are both there, but do not interact with each other.

As I pounded the treadmill, I realized, food and exercise and appearance, well, maybe most of us gals have a little something?

 I am a binge eater and they have their troubles, too.  Yes, I may weigh twice as much as they do, but I am no better and they and vice versa, we just have different issues.

And then I felt positive for me.

Because I am getting help for my issues.  I don't know their particular stories or treatment history, but I am working on improving my relationship with food now.  Presently, I am trying to improve and I am for me.

 Yes, I am 32 and not a young whippersnapper, but I am trying. Both of the gym ladies are older than me and I feel for them.  Because I know the hold food can have over life.

I have put so many things on hold because of my weight.  So many.  And for what?  Another private binge that gives me no clarity, security, or long standing happiness?!

I won't waste any more of my life destroying it because of my food addiction.

Sexy Dreams and Busy Times and Reality Checks

It has been busy around here.  Summer is always my busiest time of year.  When I move down South, I can't wait to have summer stretch a little past September.  Extra bonus that I will be very close to the beach.  I haven't enjoyed summer in years and I miss it.  Aside from a fabulous beach vacation last year, I yearn for a time that I am able to stretch out all day under the sun on a weekend, reading a book.  Perfection.

WeightWatchers is chugging along.  I am down another 2 pounds this week. Excited.  Especially because it is THAT time of the month and I am very bloated and also a chocolate monster.  Couple that with my favorite pizza, sushi, and some AMAZING Costco vanilla cake this past week....well, I was not expecting a loss and I will take it.  I have been great about planning my meals and tracking every bite (good and bad) and getting to the gym.  My gym is open 24 hours, so that helps.  

Facing reality about my food addiction is eye opening.  I never eat because I am hungry.  I don't even  know what true hunger feels like anymore.  I am beginning to learn how to detect my hunger in therapy.  I really believe that I am learning the skills I need to know to tackle my eating obsession for life.  It is making me feel hopeful. 

Okay....here is a little confession. I keep having a sex dream about someone that is NOT Crush.

Well, a few months ago, a male friend of mine tried to kiss me one time when we were out.  This person has since become someone I trust and love to spend time with.  I think of him more as a gal than a guy and for most of our friendship, we have both been in serious relationships.  Now he is single.  

See, I don't have many friends anymore in my city that I feel I can spend time with even though I have friends here that I care deeply about.  This may be in my head more than anything, but most of my friends are married and have children and I simply don't feel like imposing in on plans.  I hate burdening people.  I also have serious social anxiety, so I like to avoid "popular" hot spots where I feel like I could see people I know.  This male friend is artsy and in some ways much cooler than me.  His group of friends patron places that I have never been or even heard of and it has really opened my eyes to the city I have lived in or around most of my life.  I always feel like an adventure is in store when we spend time together and I find myself staying out way later than I ever plan to with him because I am having so much fun.

I never have guy friends that stick around for long.  After a while, they always try to have sex with me, or they believe I like them (I am flirty and obnoxious by nature, but I actually crush on people very little) and that makes things super awkward.  All through my 20's, any guy I ever thought was my friend, either disappeared (because they thought I liked them) or snapped and did something very odd: called me to tell me they loved me at 4:00 am, waited in my lobby all night to talk to me to tell me that they can't stop thinking about me,  let me sleep over when I was drunk (and not make-out) and then never spoke to me again, or threw a drink in my face and called me a tease at a happy hour....

This male friend is different.  We like the same things (which is odd because I have strange taste), we love the same music, we can talk about roller coasters for hours. He feels like hanging out with my sister, who is seriously such a cool and funny person to waste a few hours with.

When my friend tried to kiss me a while back, we were enjoying some martinis and he told me that he loves how I smell.  I will say, I have a signature scent (I wear an oil that I have been wearing since I was 12) and men seem to love it, always.  He then started smelling the nape of my neck....told me I have a beautiful neck and then well.....he started kissing it.  KISSING MY NECK!  Do you know how much I love having my neck kissed?  Like to infinity.  LOVE IT.  It all happened so fast, I didn't know how to stop it until I moved away so abruptly that I tripped over a bar stool.  

We both started laughing and it broke the moment. 

The neck kiss in itself was so telling that the sex between us would be incredible.  I feel like the tenderness of a kiss is the true reveler of sexual compatibility.  This was right on.  And....well, Crush and I are still working on our kissing and neck kissing.  Crush is a bit less experienced than my friend.  But, he is open to direction and I love him so much, that it is lovely when we are intimate, but it won't be INCREDIBLE until I move and we can practice often.    Crush has a hard time with foreplay because he gets so excited.  Sometimes in bed, I feel like he turns into a horny 16 year old.  Things are all over the place.  

I often felt this way in college.  The guys had no idea what they were doing.  And after college, I dated a lot of OLDER men.  They knew what they were doing.  They worshipped my body and were tender, slow, and seductive.  I love that.  I love feeling worshipped.  Oy.  I just admitted that.

My friend, well, he gets a lot of tail.  I know it.  He knows it.  I bet we could have fun naked.  I say this as someone who loves and appreciates male prowess. His neck kiss was just spot on. 

Even since then, when we hang out, we do not discuss the drunken neck kiss.  I decided I value his company too much and I have boyfriend and he knows it and he is still a guy, so he doesn't need to talk about everything like I do.  I even resisted making a few jokes about it and he dates all the time, so I thought we were past needing to discuss it.  

Last week while we were having lunch with his friend, he told his pal randomly right in front of me, "I tried to make out with R&F a few months ago.  She just smells too good and has the best lips, I couldn't help it.  I respect her relationship and all that, but (and he looked me dead in the eye), if things don't work out for her and her boyfriend, I would love to spend a night with her.  I think about it a lot.  Her beauty has grown on me and I consider her to be one of the most gorgeous women I know because she has such a good heart.  And I mean, her face kills me and from what I can tell, cute boobs.  She is also hilarious."

I almost choked on my soup.  SO AWKWARD.  It was just such an open confession and well....flattering, but also sexy.  He looked me right in the eye and told me that he wanted me.  Bold.  Confident.  Seductive. He chose to address it to his friend, so it felt safer and less scary than if we were alone.  I bet he knew that telling me alone would have freaked me out as he tells me that I freak out over nothing all of them time. 

For the last few nights, I have been having epic sex dreams..staring my friend and not my Crush.  And it feels so real.  And in the dreams, I am single. And then I wake up and I feel relieved because I don't want to sleep with my friend and because I love my boyfriend.

So, what will happen?  Nothing.  I love my friend, but he is not the one for me.  I love wanting what I can't have.  I know this.  I also love being wanted.

Since I have gained weight from my emotional eating, moved home, and I am over 30, well, I rarely feel wanted.  I rarely feel beautiful.  I feel awesome when I am with Crush, but since we do not live in the same place yet, it isn't a feeling in my daily life yet.  I feel fat, ugly, and like a failure more than I want to admit.  This feeling of being wanted....I can see why people could cheat.  Could crave validation.  Could do things they normally wouldn't.  I sorta get it now. 

The male friendships that have been broken and the cold drinks that have been thrown in my face....well, maybe I wasn't so innocent after all.  Maybe, I made a guy friend think they had a chance when they never did...especially because I was always single.  Because I needed everyone to tell me how awesome, pretty, and funny I was.  Because I had horrible self-esteem.

I am beginning to think all of my past male friends believed I wanted them (that's why some of them acted on it) when all I ever really wanted was their approval. 

This feels different.  Sexual tension aside.  This may just be the only guy friend that sticks around because we are actually friends and we can address the obvious.  Given different circumstances...well, getting naked could have happened.  Not forever, just for one night.