HAPPY THURSDAY!!!!
It has been busy around here, but things are moving right along....
SUCCESSES -
1. I am down 13.5 pounds. I am taking it 5 pounds at a time. Little by little and it is not as daunting as I thought it would be. I am eating everything I want in moderation, I am exercising often (4-5 times a week), and I am using the tools I have been learning in therapy to manage my binge eating as best as I can. Major improvement.
2. My new website is almost done. EXCITED. Just a few more tweaks, but then it will be up.
3. Work-wise, things have been going well, even though I decided that everyone is a bit crazy. That being said, I have surprised myself lately because I have been able to separate my work and the client based drama that negatively influences my work. This year, all of my failures were mostly derived by a family member who was stirring the pot and then I would take the fall. I have taught myself to stay above and out of the drama and overall, the results have been positive. Yes, I still get blamed for things that are not my fault and yes, there are still opinions that I did or didn't do something that I should or shouldn't have done, but I defer to my client and ONLY my client. Btw, I cannot wait to share more about my almost former job here....there are stories, stories, stories!!!!!
STUMBLES -
1. One of my challenges for my eating therapy was to eat a trigger food and see what happens...the thought process behind it is that no food is bad or scary and that with the right steps forward everything can be enjoyed. Basically, taking the power away from the food. I tried with Wheat Thins this week, a MAJOR trigger food for me. I binged (nothing major, but definitely mindless eating) both times after I ate some. It was a force that came over me....a routine. I did what my body felt like it should do and binge it was. This is something I am to try once a month and I can't wait for the day when those stupid crackers lose.
2. I realized that I need to be nicer to Crush. Like way nicer. I am sometimes an absolute jerk to him. He deserves and responds well to kindness and I know this and then I still act like an asshole. Crush and I tell each other everything....so, I told him Awful was engaged the minute after I found out. I admitted that I was a bit sad, but happy for him. Crush's ex-fiance is in a very serious relationship and we have heard, that she will be engaged soon, too. I do believe that after a super serious relationship that doesn't work out, often people marry their next boyfriend or girlfriend. I am living it! Crush was a bit emotional about his ex a few weeks ago, for the same reasons I was about Awful, the end of an era. On Monday, mere hours after I found out about Awful's pending wedding, I received a beautiful bouquet from my boyfriend with a lovely note, "Anyone that doesn't want to marry you is a fool. His loss, my gain. Love you so and get down here already!" - Crush. Swoon.
3. I did a bad bad thing. I know you all will throw sticks at me and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did it, so I am going to own it. I have an impulse control issue....food, what I say, how I used to drink. I know it. I do discuss it in therapy because it's clearly a problem.....but, well, I emailed Awful with my congratulations. YELL AT ME IF YOU NEED TO. But, well, the truth is that I am pretty hard to find these days and I know Awful has been asking about me. All of a sudden, I realized that it isn't because he still has feelings for me, it is because he knows that he hurt me and now he is getting married so soon, less than a year after he met his lady. I think he met his soulmate, too. They seem super happy. Do I think he learned from our relationship? I do. But, I also think he is still a huge asshole. It just seems like his new fiance is so different than me and his ex-wife, so I see that as a positive. Change. I still feel bad for new fiance as dealing with Awful is a FULL TIME JOB! I think Awful was asking about me to make sure I am okay. I went to therapy on Tuesday and I spent too much of my appointment chatting about him. I came to the realization that I am indeed happy for him and I am also going to be careful about who I share myself with and what news I decide to share about my life (not here, in real life). I can't trust anything anyone says about Awful to me and vice-versa. Not, because the source is faulty, because no one really knows what exactly transpired between us and how long and drawn out and emotional the breakup was. I didn't want there to be any hearsay about how I reacted about his engagement (which was chill) and I wanted him to know that I am fine and that I am happy for him (because I am, but mostly I am relieved!). The door will never open back up on this and I know I seem insane and I know I could have been stronger, but I am sick of other people controlling my message. He hasn't emailed back and I know he won't. It was closure. DONE. I know you all must be sick about hearing about Awful and I apologize. Last few drips of information. If I was a reader....my thoughts would be"SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND ALREADY CRAZY PANTS!!!!!!".....noted!
Have a great week and I will back in full detail after the weekend....lots of work, but next week slows down!!!!
XXXX,
R&F
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Monday, July 29, 2013
One Last Post About This....I Promise..but, Awful is ENGAGED!
I feel so childish even admitting this all and writing this post, but I can't deny my feelings. Here goes....
Since I am not on Facebook and I no one wanted to tell me the news, I am the LAST to know that Awful is engaged.
He got engaged a few months ago.
I am glad I did not have to process it in real time.
I was told about it in the midst of working and I didn't allow myself to think it through fully just in case I became too upset to pass it off as happy tears. Work comes first. Especially with my move coming. Good current recommendations have been ample these last few weeks. WHOOT! I am hitting my stride again. I am proud of myself for getting back up after I was a bit beat down.
I mulled over the development silently all day yesterday, but I did share the news with Sissy and my parents. My father (who likes Awful as a person, but hated him as my boyfriend) was beyond happy....."This news just made my day, now he is officially gone!" and then he literally skipped around......I actually share many of the same feelings as my Dad.
I gave myself permission to cry, but no tears ever came.
My friend who told me and is still connected to him through her husband says he asks about me all the time. Lately, I been thinking about him a lot, too. Our relationship really didn't have an end. I told him to leave me alone and he did. He he bad and dark, but this last year, I have seen so much worse than him. There is still some goodness in him. It was there when I dated him and it hasn't gone away.
I hate him most for not wanting to marry me for not wanting to let me go either.
Awful was married for less than 2 years before we ever met. He got engaged to his ex-wife less than 8 months after they met. He was adamant that he couldn't propose to me until we really knew each other because he proposed to his ex-wife so soon. He openly shared this with my family, my friends. He would tell me, "I just can't make another mistake and marry so soon, I didn't even know my ex-wife and then I was legally bound to her....."
Well, I figured he had a girlfriend, but a fiancé......?!?!?!?! He has been dating his fiance less time than I have been dating Crush....I think 7-8 months and he will be married in September. Yes, THIS September. I wonder if it is her second wedding, too. Just a few months to plan a wedding makes me think it will be a small affair.
There is a part of me that feels that she could be pregnant. There is another part of me that thinks that he is afraid of being alone..."abandoned" as he calls it, so he jumped and put a ring on it quickly, to make sure he won't be left again.
If there is one thing that Awful hates, it is being alone.
I knew this and it is one of the reasons I jumped shipped, moved out in the middle of the day without warning when I broke up with him. Every other time I tried, he made me stay. I couldn't escape his pull when he was there, so I needed to do it by myself and for myself.
Most of all, I am feeling a bit rejected. Yes, I dumped him. Yes, I hate him. Yes, I have a wonderful boyfriend. I know this all seems silly and stupid and very entitled to even care, but the truth is that it still hurts to know that he needed two plus years with me to "figure it out" and he can propose to someone new and get married in less than a year. I pains me to know that he loves someone so much more than he ever loved me. Even though I am living this now with Crush, so I get it.
I am embarrassed. That's it. He fits better with his new gal. We were a bad match. I know this. Even though it is impossible and I am being junior high........I just want everyone to love me. Adore me. I am pathetic sometimes.
I get that I have a wonderful relationship with Crush and I may be engaged soon. It worked out for all of us. Crush and I think that Crush's ex may be engaged, too. Happy endings for everyone.
Did I secretly wish that I would be married first? Sure I did. I am competitive and stupid once in a while.
True love isn't a race. I know this.
I have been avoiding Awful like the plague, missing parties and events I fear he could be at, skipping restaurants and places we shared that I introduced him to. Now, I feel safe again. His engagement protects me. I can visit some significant places that I love and not worry too much about seeing him. Clearly, he is doing fine and has moved way way way on.
The last time Awful and I corresponded was over a year ago.
He was single.
Now, he will be married in a few weeks.
Things can change so fast.
Since I am not on Facebook and I no one wanted to tell me the news, I am the LAST to know that Awful is engaged.
He got engaged a few months ago.
I am glad I did not have to process it in real time.
I was told about it in the midst of working and I didn't allow myself to think it through fully just in case I became too upset to pass it off as happy tears. Work comes first. Especially with my move coming. Good current recommendations have been ample these last few weeks. WHOOT! I am hitting my stride again. I am proud of myself for getting back up after I was a bit beat down.
I mulled over the development silently all day yesterday, but I did share the news with Sissy and my parents. My father (who likes Awful as a person, but hated him as my boyfriend) was beyond happy....."This news just made my day, now he is officially gone!" and then he literally skipped around......I actually share many of the same feelings as my Dad.
I gave myself permission to cry, but no tears ever came.
My friend who told me and is still connected to him through her husband says he asks about me all the time. Lately, I been thinking about him a lot, too. Our relationship really didn't have an end. I told him to leave me alone and he did. He he bad and dark, but this last year, I have seen so much worse than him. There is still some goodness in him. It was there when I dated him and it hasn't gone away.
I hate him most for not wanting to marry me for not wanting to let me go either.
Awful was married for less than 2 years before we ever met. He got engaged to his ex-wife less than 8 months after they met. He was adamant that he couldn't propose to me until we really knew each other because he proposed to his ex-wife so soon. He openly shared this with my family, my friends. He would tell me, "I just can't make another mistake and marry so soon, I didn't even know my ex-wife and then I was legally bound to her....."
Well, I figured he had a girlfriend, but a fiancé......?!?!?!?! He has been dating his fiance less time than I have been dating Crush....I think 7-8 months and he will be married in September. Yes, THIS September. I wonder if it is her second wedding, too. Just a few months to plan a wedding makes me think it will be a small affair.
There is a part of me that feels that she could be pregnant. There is another part of me that thinks that he is afraid of being alone..."abandoned" as he calls it, so he jumped and put a ring on it quickly, to make sure he won't be left again.
If there is one thing that Awful hates, it is being alone.
I knew this and it is one of the reasons I jumped shipped, moved out in the middle of the day without warning when I broke up with him. Every other time I tried, he made me stay. I couldn't escape his pull when he was there, so I needed to do it by myself and for myself.
Most of all, I am feeling a bit rejected. Yes, I dumped him. Yes, I hate him. Yes, I have a wonderful boyfriend. I know this all seems silly and stupid and very entitled to even care, but the truth is that it still hurts to know that he needed two plus years with me to "figure it out" and he can propose to someone new and get married in less than a year. I pains me to know that he loves someone so much more than he ever loved me. Even though I am living this now with Crush, so I get it.
I am embarrassed. That's it. He fits better with his new gal. We were a bad match. I know this. Even though it is impossible and I am being junior high........I just want everyone to love me. Adore me. I am pathetic sometimes.
I get that I have a wonderful relationship with Crush and I may be engaged soon. It worked out for all of us. Crush and I think that Crush's ex may be engaged, too. Happy endings for everyone.
Did I secretly wish that I would be married first? Sure I did. I am competitive and stupid once in a while.
True love isn't a race. I know this.
I have been avoiding Awful like the plague, missing parties and events I fear he could be at, skipping restaurants and places we shared that I introduced him to. Now, I feel safe again. His engagement protects me. I can visit some significant places that I love and not worry too much about seeing him. Clearly, he is doing fine and has moved way way way on.
The last time Awful and I corresponded was over a year ago.
He was single.
Now, he will be married in a few weeks.
Things can change so fast.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Clean and Dirty
Sometimes I wonder how lucky I am to still be alive.
I was never really into hard drugs, but I did a bunch of stupid shit in my life. I loved getting wasted, I made moronic decisions and I took insane risks.
For some reason, I am SUPER sad about the recent passing of Finn from Glee. I only watched the first season before I tired of it, but he seemed kind and reminded me of a boy in high school I once crushed on so super bad. I made him out to be this pure person without knowing anything about his personal non-Glee life.
Heroin terrifies me. I just don't get it, but I have never tried it. I have seen Intervention and Trainspotting and sitting on a bare mattress with your eyes all rolled back in your head drooling while you pee and vomit and poop yourself. Not sexy.
If we want to glorify a drug, let's dump an eight ball of coke on the table and snort it up before we dance on the table with our high heels on.
In a past life, I loved smoking pot. I am better stoned than drunk. I get silly, I tell stories, I love listening to music. I am actually good high company. Trust me. I also get the munchies super bad, so it isn't something I would partake in so much these days in light of my food issues. Oh yeah, I also have no brain cells or memory left to spare from all of my years of living thehigh good life.
Crush is pure. He isn't much of the party pants. He can count the times he has been really drunk on 2 hands. He has never smoked pot and I respect him. Hell, I was always susceptible to peer pressure because I wanted to escape from myself and fit in. I give him great credit for being able to be himself, unaltered.
But, Crush is DIRTY. Dirty in bed and dirty in life.
The dirty in life gets to me much worse than the other kind of dirty.
Crush lives in a way that is disgusting to me. Messy. Shit everywhere. His white t's have a brown tint from the way he washes them. His toilet reminded me of the grossest bathroom in America which just so happens to be at a bar at my alma mater. The icing on the gross cake was him telling me that he hasn't washed his bed sheets or towels in months when I asked him. And yes, I knew the answer before I inquired as everything in his place smelled a little sour, like a frat house.
I have never stayed at his place because filth like his gives me the creepy crawly willies. IT MAKES ME HAVE NIGHTMARES.
Yet, I was once SO DIRTY. Like when I think back on how I used to live in college and my early 20's, I gag. Yes, I just gagged. I was so super disgusting that I was almost equal to Crush. I should have saved my rent money because I could have lived in a dumpster with my former standard of cleanliness.
I used to admire my friends for being able to live so neatly. It didn't come easily to me and then one day I woke up and I was living alone and had some space and my own closets and the OCD set it. Clean as a whistle.
If Crush will let me, I will help him clean out his place little by little before we ever move in together. It isn't exactly Hoarders bad, but it is FAR from good.
I may call College Hunks Hauling Junk to help Crush reduce his mess.
I will have me some dirty thoughts of my own while we get clean.
I was never really into hard drugs, but I did a bunch of stupid shit in my life. I loved getting wasted, I made moronic decisions and I took insane risks.
For some reason, I am SUPER sad about the recent passing of Finn from Glee. I only watched the first season before I tired of it, but he seemed kind and reminded me of a boy in high school I once crushed on so super bad. I made him out to be this pure person without knowing anything about his personal non-Glee life.
Heroin terrifies me. I just don't get it, but I have never tried it. I have seen Intervention and Trainspotting and sitting on a bare mattress with your eyes all rolled back in your head drooling while you pee and vomit and poop yourself. Not sexy.
If we want to glorify a drug, let's dump an eight ball of coke on the table and snort it up before we dance on the table with our high heels on.
In a past life, I loved smoking pot. I am better stoned than drunk. I get silly, I tell stories, I love listening to music. I am actually good high company. Trust me. I also get the munchies super bad, so it isn't something I would partake in so much these days in light of my food issues. Oh yeah, I also have no brain cells or memory left to spare from all of my years of living the
Crush is pure. He isn't much of the party pants. He can count the times he has been really drunk on 2 hands. He has never smoked pot and I respect him. Hell, I was always susceptible to peer pressure because I wanted to escape from myself and fit in. I give him great credit for being able to be himself, unaltered.
But, Crush is DIRTY. Dirty in bed and dirty in life.
The dirty in life gets to me much worse than the other kind of dirty.
Crush lives in a way that is disgusting to me. Messy. Shit everywhere. His white t's have a brown tint from the way he washes them. His toilet reminded me of the grossest bathroom in America which just so happens to be at a bar at my alma mater. The icing on the gross cake was him telling me that he hasn't washed his bed sheets or towels in months when I asked him. And yes, I knew the answer before I inquired as everything in his place smelled a little sour, like a frat house.
I have never stayed at his place because filth like his gives me the creepy crawly willies. IT MAKES ME HAVE NIGHTMARES.
Yet, I was once SO DIRTY. Like when I think back on how I used to live in college and my early 20's, I gag. Yes, I just gagged. I was so super disgusting that I was almost equal to Crush. I should have saved my rent money because I could have lived in a dumpster with my former standard of cleanliness.
I used to admire my friends for being able to live so neatly. It didn't come easily to me and then one day I woke up and I was living alone and had some space and my own closets and the OCD set it. Clean as a whistle.
If Crush will let me, I will help him clean out his place little by little before we ever move in together. It isn't exactly Hoarders bad, but it is FAR from good.
I may call College Hunks Hauling Junk to help Crush reduce his mess.
I will have me some dirty thoughts of my own while we get clean.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Working It All Out
Crush and I are doing a bunch better lately.
For a while there it was fight fight fight at all costs (Ani Difranco reference for any fans out there....I love her). We just couldn't get on the same page. Much of the drama and tension were coming from a big issue that needed attention, Crush's processing issue.
Crush is now getting help. I am SUPER proud of him. I see a huge difference and he is taking the steps necessary to make himself a better communicator. In turn, our friendship and relationship have improved and I am feeling safe again in our little boat. For a while there, we were in the middle of a brewing dating hurricane.
Crush's mind works a bit different than mine. He is a big dreamer. He swept me right off my feet with his grand gestures and big ideas.
A few months ago, I realized that we had a problem.
I was observing this pattern of huge promises (which I do believe he is capable of doing and which I do believe WILL happen) in unrealistic time frames.
I had to take note of it for a while because I couldn't tell if this sense of utter urgency and then total slacking was coming from entitlement or something in his brain..As I have mentioned it before, we don't come from the same background, so with money and stability comes the ability to do things quickly that some would have to plan months or years for. Translation = something sparkly isn't something Crush has to necessarily save for (even though I know he is currently saving because he is wonderful with investing and all that stuff that sounds just like when adults talk in Snoopy when you tell me..."wahwahwahwah").
After a few weeks of utter frustration waiting to hear about all of these things he was "still working on and trying to figure out", I lost my composure and went rather postal.
I screamed, "don't say it unless you mean it because I take your word for it!"
This was in response to many little open ended things and one big huge gigantic major one....
Around Valentine's Day, Crush had told me that he had started to investigate engagement rings and didn't know if he could wait until I moved to propose to me.
The man didn't think about anything past that. There is no ring and it won't be on my finger in the next 2 months. I know this for a fact. I know that I am 32 years young and I am feeling like I am in a pressure cooker trying to lock it down.
I do feel that when I get my ring, I can breathe. Love has NEVER felt like this before, but I have been here. In a place I felt would end in marriage and it didn't. So....well, I don't like the gray zone. Waiting for someone to ask you to to be their wife....well, it FUCKING sucks! I am sorry, it does. It feels so very uncomfortable for a control freak such as myself. As happy as some aspects of my life are with Crush, this part of the relationship....the fine line I am walking by clearly outlining my expectations without giving ultimatums....well, I wish I could say it is fun, but then I would be lying. BECAUSE IT IS TOTURE!!!!!!
I know. I am being annoying right now. I sound like a whiny bitch. I get it. Panting for a ring is just CRAZY and yet it is a thing. When you love someone so much that you want to spend every waking second with them, it would be nice to be able to know that it will be forever today. I don't think a ring will change anything in my life aside from the ability to feel a bit calmer.
Instant gratification? Why yes, and if I didn't have an issue with it, I wouldn't need to lose 30 pounds still.
I was fantasizing. I suck this way. I love me a dream sequence. Hell, I imagine myself a 19 year old music video vixen when I bust out my daily mileage on the spin bike.
I will admit, I was dreaming of driving cross country to my new home with something lovely to admire on my left hand. What a fairy-tale it could have been to have met my soul mate AND become engaged in less than 1 year? It would have been like the end of some Rom Com.....me driving my sedan pointed South, laughing with my long hair blowing, admiring my shiny new friend.
And, since Sissy got engaged to her hubby less than 8 months from the day they first met, it gave me hope....I am the WORST comparer I know.
There is nothing quite like the feeling of the hardwood floor when it smacks you right in the face after the rug has been pulled out from under you. Wakeup call. Because as June curled into July, I realized that a ring wasn't happening this summer. I am okay with this once I myself processed it.
Crush has spoken to my parents about his intentions and I truly believe that I will be a Mrs. To Be in the nearer future. I actually want to live in the same city as Crush together for a few months before an engagement because I want a little peace to just enjoy life without planning . We need some more casual just us time. Time to watch TV, ride bikes, stroll the cobblestone streets, get ice cream, and eat homemade (by me, he barely knows how to open a can) weeknight suppers. I LOVE TO COOK, so I actually dusted off my cookbooks and marked some pages of recipes I know he will like this past week in anticipation of my move.
Love isn't easy. I know....trite trite trite. By even when you find the one, it doesn't all magically get better. I still have anxiety, I still have fears, I still feel like it may not end the way I want it to. I remember once talking to Sissy about this when she was a bit overwhelmed herself with being pregnant so soon after she was married so soon after she met her love. She told me one of the best pieces of advice, "with every great life transition comes excitement, uncertainty, and a little bit of an adjustment period." So true.
I have been disappointed before. I have felt the pain and loss of a broken heart. I am fairly confidant that Crush and I are meant to be a we.
We shall see.
For a while there it was fight fight fight at all costs (Ani Difranco reference for any fans out there....I love her). We just couldn't get on the same page. Much of the drama and tension were coming from a big issue that needed attention, Crush's processing issue.
Crush is now getting help. I am SUPER proud of him. I see a huge difference and he is taking the steps necessary to make himself a better communicator. In turn, our friendship and relationship have improved and I am feeling safe again in our little boat. For a while there, we were in the middle of a brewing dating hurricane.
Crush's mind works a bit different than mine. He is a big dreamer. He swept me right off my feet with his grand gestures and big ideas.
A few months ago, I realized that we had a problem.
I was observing this pattern of huge promises (which I do believe he is capable of doing and which I do believe WILL happen) in unrealistic time frames.
I had to take note of it for a while because I couldn't tell if this sense of utter urgency and then total slacking was coming from entitlement or something in his brain..As I have mentioned it before, we don't come from the same background, so with money and stability comes the ability to do things quickly that some would have to plan months or years for. Translation = something sparkly isn't something Crush has to necessarily save for (even though I know he is currently saving because he is wonderful with investing and all that stuff that sounds just like when adults talk in Snoopy when you tell me..."wahwahwahwah").
After a few weeks of utter frustration waiting to hear about all of these things he was "still working on and trying to figure out", I lost my composure and went rather postal.
I screamed, "don't say it unless you mean it because I take your word for it!"
This was in response to many little open ended things and one big huge gigantic major one....
Around Valentine's Day, Crush had told me that he had started to investigate engagement rings and didn't know if he could wait until I moved to propose to me.
The man didn't think about anything past that. There is no ring and it won't be on my finger in the next 2 months. I know this for a fact. I know that I am 32 years young and I am feeling like I am in a pressure cooker trying to lock it down.
I do feel that when I get my ring, I can breathe. Love has NEVER felt like this before, but I have been here. In a place I felt would end in marriage and it didn't. So....well, I don't like the gray zone. Waiting for someone to ask you to to be their wife....well, it FUCKING sucks! I am sorry, it does. It feels so very uncomfortable for a control freak such as myself. As happy as some aspects of my life are with Crush, this part of the relationship....the fine line I am walking by clearly outlining my expectations without giving ultimatums....well, I wish I could say it is fun, but then I would be lying. BECAUSE IT IS TOTURE!!!!!!
I know. I am being annoying right now. I sound like a whiny bitch. I get it. Panting for a ring is just CRAZY and yet it is a thing. When you love someone so much that you want to spend every waking second with them, it would be nice to be able to know that it will be forever today. I don't think a ring will change anything in my life aside from the ability to feel a bit calmer.
Instant gratification? Why yes, and if I didn't have an issue with it, I wouldn't need to lose 30 pounds still.
I was fantasizing. I suck this way. I love me a dream sequence. Hell, I imagine myself a 19 year old music video vixen when I bust out my daily mileage on the spin bike.
I will admit, I was dreaming of driving cross country to my new home with something lovely to admire on my left hand. What a fairy-tale it could have been to have met my soul mate AND become engaged in less than 1 year? It would have been like the end of some Rom Com.....me driving my sedan pointed South, laughing with my long hair blowing, admiring my shiny new friend.
And, since Sissy got engaged to her hubby less than 8 months from the day they first met, it gave me hope....I am the WORST comparer I know.
There is nothing quite like the feeling of the hardwood floor when it smacks you right in the face after the rug has been pulled out from under you. Wakeup call. Because as June curled into July, I realized that a ring wasn't happening this summer. I am okay with this once I myself processed it.
Crush has spoken to my parents about his intentions and I truly believe that I will be a Mrs. To Be in the nearer future. I actually want to live in the same city as Crush together for a few months before an engagement because I want a little peace to just enjoy life without planning . We need some more casual just us time. Time to watch TV, ride bikes, stroll the cobblestone streets, get ice cream, and eat homemade (by me, he barely knows how to open a can) weeknight suppers. I LOVE TO COOK, so I actually dusted off my cookbooks and marked some pages of recipes I know he will like this past week in anticipation of my move.
Love isn't easy. I know....trite trite trite. By even when you find the one, it doesn't all magically get better. I still have anxiety, I still have fears, I still feel like it may not end the way I want it to. I remember once talking to Sissy about this when she was a bit overwhelmed herself with being pregnant so soon after she was married so soon after she met her love. She told me one of the best pieces of advice, "with every great life transition comes excitement, uncertainty, and a little bit of an adjustment period." So true.
I have been disappointed before. I have felt the pain and loss of a broken heart. I am fairly confidant that Crush and I are meant to be a we.
We shall see.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Falling Into Place
My puzzle pieces are beginning to make a total picture.
I just realized they the day I move from the Midwest FORVER (regardless of what happens with Crush, I will never come back), will be my one year anniversary of this blog.
I sound like a broken record always and forever here, but you just never know what will happen in a year!!!!
I officially signed a lease for a new apartment in my new state. I am excited about it. 850 square feet that are ALL mine. I am looking forward to cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. These last few years I have regressed, my mom believes her way is the ONLY way. I haven't truly been able to live as I would live without living with mother. But, I can't really complain. I received free accommodations for 22 months.
Beggars can't be choosers.
I will never forget the generosity and hospitality that my parents bestowed upon me. Yes, some days and even weeks were incredibly challenging, but I do think we are even closer now than we ever were (and I have always been close to my family). My wounds are now just fading scars. I feel like I am mostly through with my journey of self improvement and reflection. I am a bit stronger, a bit wiser, and in tune with the areas of my life that I need to seriously work on (binge eating and improving my self esteem). I am going to continue to therapy down South.
I am ready to fly again from the nest....14 years after I first left.
The future that was once blurry and scary is now becoming something I can partially see.
I have also been hunting for jobs. The market I am moving to is perfect for my industry. Even though it is considerably smaller, there are plenty of jobs in my field and they pay well. I have sent out my resume 4 times and I have received calls promptly for everything that I applied for, some within hours. My only issue is that the jobs posted begin immediately and because of job commitments here, I can't start there until after I move, which is in just under 2 months.
Many people from my new city have advised me to just wait and move and then interview as things are far less competitive there than they are here. That is not my style! I want to move with a place to live AND a job. Still working on the last half, but I am feeling like I may actually be able to pick the best position for me rather than just take a job for a paycheck. I also have a little cushion of savings that I can tap into if I really need to, but I am hoping to actually save, so let's hope that employment comes knocking.
This morning, I had a bubble of anxiety sitting on my chest, heavy and tight.
Then, I let my mind tell me the truth.
I am leaving.
I have the chance to set up new practices and routines that will allow me to be calmer. I will be able to be alone sometimes. I will be living 5 minutes away from the love of my life. My favorite spinning studio in the world is in my new city and I will have the opportunity to ride there as often as I like. Extra bonus that I can cruise on my bicycle 4 seasons a year. I will continue with my WeightWatchers meetings. I will be close to the beach and saltwater is wonderful for my skin. I will be independent again. I will be FAR away from people that make me nervous including Awful (just moving away from him helps as we do have some mutual friends and I always feel bad that it was such an ugly ending...no one likes to be a part of senseless drama and I did lose some people I really liked and valued because of the breakup). I will get the opportunity to explore new coffee shops, restaurants, and boutiques. I will become a regular at a new supermarket and gym. I will learn my way around and I will then be able to find shortcuts to get me to and from my new regular destinations.
I will be able to be the me I am now.
Not the me I was 20 years ago that some people expect from me.
Life will be better.
I know it.
I just realized they the day I move from the Midwest FORVER (regardless of what happens with Crush, I will never come back), will be my one year anniversary of this blog.
I sound like a broken record always and forever here, but you just never know what will happen in a year!!!!
I officially signed a lease for a new apartment in my new state. I am excited about it. 850 square feet that are ALL mine. I am looking forward to cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. These last few years I have regressed, my mom believes her way is the ONLY way. I haven't truly been able to live as I would live without living with mother. But, I can't really complain. I received free accommodations for 22 months.
Beggars can't be choosers.
I will never forget the generosity and hospitality that my parents bestowed upon me. Yes, some days and even weeks were incredibly challenging, but I do think we are even closer now than we ever were (and I have always been close to my family). My wounds are now just fading scars. I feel like I am mostly through with my journey of self improvement and reflection. I am a bit stronger, a bit wiser, and in tune with the areas of my life that I need to seriously work on (binge eating and improving my self esteem). I am going to continue to therapy down South.
I am ready to fly again from the nest....14 years after I first left.
The future that was once blurry and scary is now becoming something I can partially see.
I have also been hunting for jobs. The market I am moving to is perfect for my industry. Even though it is considerably smaller, there are plenty of jobs in my field and they pay well. I have sent out my resume 4 times and I have received calls promptly for everything that I applied for, some within hours. My only issue is that the jobs posted begin immediately and because of job commitments here, I can't start there until after I move, which is in just under 2 months.
Many people from my new city have advised me to just wait and move and then interview as things are far less competitive there than they are here. That is not my style! I want to move with a place to live AND a job. Still working on the last half, but I am feeling like I may actually be able to pick the best position for me rather than just take a job for a paycheck. I also have a little cushion of savings that I can tap into if I really need to, but I am hoping to actually save, so let's hope that employment comes knocking.
This morning, I had a bubble of anxiety sitting on my chest, heavy and tight.
Then, I let my mind tell me the truth.
I am leaving.
I have the chance to set up new practices and routines that will allow me to be calmer. I will be able to be alone sometimes. I will be living 5 minutes away from the love of my life. My favorite spinning studio in the world is in my new city and I will have the opportunity to ride there as often as I like. Extra bonus that I can cruise on my bicycle 4 seasons a year. I will continue with my WeightWatchers meetings. I will be close to the beach and saltwater is wonderful for my skin. I will be independent again. I will be FAR away from people that make me nervous including Awful (just moving away from him helps as we do have some mutual friends and I always feel bad that it was such an ugly ending...no one likes to be a part of senseless drama and I did lose some people I really liked and valued because of the breakup). I will get the opportunity to explore new coffee shops, restaurants, and boutiques. I will become a regular at a new supermarket and gym. I will learn my way around and I will then be able to find shortcuts to get me to and from my new regular destinations.
I will be able to be the me I am now.
Not the me I was 20 years ago that some people expect from me.
Life will be better.
I know it.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Facebook Feelings
As I have mentioned before, I am not a fan of Facebook. It the midst of moving back home and hitting rock bottom, I deactivated my account because it was too much for me to handle. I was jealous of everyone's life (again with the jealousy...oy!) and their good fortune. Facebook made me even more insecure, bitter, and depressed.
Perhaps I am a trendsetter because I have been hearing musings that Facebook is lame. From Smartie Best Friend who is all up on technology and a 24 year old client who is on her iPhone non-stop whenever we meet. Apparently, Twitter and Instagram are actually all the rage right now......I may have made it through to the other side....FB may be on it's way out! Dying a slow death like Myspace.
Crush pretends he doesn't like Facebook, but he does. He thinks it is stupid, a time waster, and really abrasive, but he has tons of Facebook friends and sends my (our) friends and my family messages on FB, so he isn't above it, if he is participating. He logs on everyday, so he is an active member.
BEWARE: Awful mention coming....(I know I said I wouldn't mention him, but it is an important detail to my story)
Well, through 1 friend or family member, Crush was able to view Awful's profile. I guess Awful doesn't lock it (I don't know how FB works, so please excuse my terminology if it is all wonky) and Crush took the opportunity to scour his page, mostly his photos. He saw it all, including several old photos of us that are still up there (I wish Awful would take them down, but not at the risk of speaking to him). Crush told me that I "look sad and really defeated" in all of Awful and my old photos and I agree. I see that same sadness when I have looked at old photos of us, too. Crush knows me well.
In another development, Crush's ex-fiance has a new boyfriend. Crush found this out by stalking her on Facebook. He claims that it showed up in his newsfeed because he didn't defriend her, only blocked her access to his profile, so he can see some things about her.....
SIDE NOTE: So, FB now gives you the option to be virtual frenemies with someone? They can use your existence to up their total "friends" count, BUT, then you can't even stalk them....In my opinion, the one benefit of Facebook is the stalking!
So, Crush called me to tell me about his ex's new dating status. And then figured out who the guy she is now dating is from LinkedIn. Then, Crush Googled stalked him real good and found out everything about him including where he went to school, where he lives now (with Crush's Ex), and his current job.
Crush is SUPER happy about this development because he felt really guilty about how badly he hurt her (broke off their engagement a few months into planning) and wanted her to find someone. I told him months ago that I had a feeling that she was dating someone (just like how I sensed it with Awful...me and my sensing!) and we both wished them them best, so we can all move on with life.
BUT, as nosy as I can be sometimes, I didn't like that he shared this information with me. I felt like it wasn't truly our business. That Awful and Ex-Fiance deserve (she more than he) their privacy and happiness without our cyber stalking....but this is just the world we live in.
A few nights ago, I even asked Smartie Best Friend to cyber stalk an old college pal for me, so I am not innocent myself.
My feeling on all this is pretty simple. I believe in things naturally occurring in life because they are supposed to. I think there is a greater power out there and if you stay tuned-in and present, sometimes the world gives you the very information you need. For example, how I have seen Awful 3 times out on his motorcycle and every time he has been with a lady...I am pretty sure that the last 2 times, it has been the same gal. I feel like I was supposed to see it, that it was a moment in time granted to me.
I often ponder about how Facebook forces this magical serendipity that life can grant. That FB plays with my fate and best outcome because I know too much about people I shouldn't. 12 years ago, you would find out about an old acquaintance getting married and having a baby by running into them on the street (or maybe your friend would and they would later tell you)....not by seeing every single detail of their relationship from their first date to their trip home from the hospital with their new bundle of joy.
I find it all to be exhausting. I know it isn't healthy for me. Especially for my anxiety.
I swear, if I was born 100 years ago, technology wise, I would have still been behind.
I explained this to Crush and whereas he doesn't completely agree with me, he understands my point of view. He apologized for looking and told me that he wouldn't browse at Awful again (it is so tempting, so if he does, I understand!). He also let me know that Awful seems very interesting and intelligent and he likes me more for dating someone so "conventionally unattractive" because I am obviously not into looks......I may have almost choked on my coffee when he said that.
I know my feelings about FB are not the majority. If I could handle it, I would partake, too.
I guess it would be an equal time waster as my almost hourly Daily Mail obsession.
Perhaps I am a trendsetter because I have been hearing musings that Facebook is lame. From Smartie Best Friend who is all up on technology and a 24 year old client who is on her iPhone non-stop whenever we meet. Apparently, Twitter and Instagram are actually all the rage right now......I may have made it through to the other side....FB may be on it's way out! Dying a slow death like Myspace.
Crush pretends he doesn't like Facebook, but he does. He thinks it is stupid, a time waster, and really abrasive, but he has tons of Facebook friends and sends my (our) friends and my family messages on FB, so he isn't above it, if he is participating. He logs on everyday, so he is an active member.
BEWARE: Awful mention coming....(I know I said I wouldn't mention him, but it is an important detail to my story)
Well, through 1 friend or family member, Crush was able to view Awful's profile. I guess Awful doesn't lock it (I don't know how FB works, so please excuse my terminology if it is all wonky) and Crush took the opportunity to scour his page, mostly his photos. He saw it all, including several old photos of us that are still up there (I wish Awful would take them down, but not at the risk of speaking to him). Crush told me that I "look sad and really defeated" in all of Awful and my old photos and I agree. I see that same sadness when I have looked at old photos of us, too. Crush knows me well.
In another development, Crush's ex-fiance has a new boyfriend. Crush found this out by stalking her on Facebook. He claims that it showed up in his newsfeed because he didn't defriend her, only blocked her access to his profile, so he can see some things about her.....
SIDE NOTE: So, FB now gives you the option to be virtual frenemies with someone? They can use your existence to up their total "friends" count, BUT, then you can't even stalk them....In my opinion, the one benefit of Facebook is the stalking!
So, Crush called me to tell me about his ex's new dating status. And then figured out who the guy she is now dating is from LinkedIn. Then, Crush Googled stalked him real good and found out everything about him including where he went to school, where he lives now (with Crush's Ex), and his current job.
Crush is SUPER happy about this development because he felt really guilty about how badly he hurt her (broke off their engagement a few months into planning) and wanted her to find someone. I told him months ago that I had a feeling that she was dating someone (just like how I sensed it with Awful...me and my sensing!) and we both wished them them best, so we can all move on with life.
BUT, as nosy as I can be sometimes, I didn't like that he shared this information with me. I felt like it wasn't truly our business. That Awful and Ex-Fiance deserve (she more than he) their privacy and happiness without our cyber stalking....but this is just the world we live in.
A few nights ago, I even asked Smartie Best Friend to cyber stalk an old college pal for me, so I am not innocent myself.
My feeling on all this is pretty simple. I believe in things naturally occurring in life because they are supposed to. I think there is a greater power out there and if you stay tuned-in and present, sometimes the world gives you the very information you need. For example, how I have seen Awful 3 times out on his motorcycle and every time he has been with a lady...I am pretty sure that the last 2 times, it has been the same gal. I feel like I was supposed to see it, that it was a moment in time granted to me.
I often ponder about how Facebook forces this magical serendipity that life can grant. That FB plays with my fate and best outcome because I know too much about people I shouldn't. 12 years ago, you would find out about an old acquaintance getting married and having a baby by running into them on the street (or maybe your friend would and they would later tell you)....not by seeing every single detail of their relationship from their first date to their trip home from the hospital with their new bundle of joy.
I find it all to be exhausting. I know it isn't healthy for me. Especially for my anxiety.
I swear, if I was born 100 years ago, technology wise, I would have still been behind.
I explained this to Crush and whereas he doesn't completely agree with me, he understands my point of view. He apologized for looking and told me that he wouldn't browse at Awful again (it is so tempting, so if he does, I understand!). He also let me know that Awful seems very interesting and intelligent and he likes me more for dating someone so "conventionally unattractive" because I am obviously not into looks......I may have almost choked on my coffee when he said that.
I know my feelings about FB are not the majority. If I could handle it, I would partake, too.
I guess it would be an equal time waster as my almost hourly Daily Mail obsession.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Jealous (A Post That I Am SUPER Embarrassed To Admit)
This post is hard for me to admit.
I went back and forth about even sharing it.
I feel silly.....but, I made a vow to myself when I started this blog that I wouldn't censor my feelings.
Here goes....
I am jealous.
Oy. I can't help it.
Sissy is in town this week with her babies and husband and we are all getting on like pie. What a relief. In the last year, I have matured a bit in terms of letting things go when I should, but something I can't always shake is sibling rivalry.
Don't get me wrong, Sissy is truly one of my best friends in the entire world. She gets me as only a few do. The bond we have is forever strong. I realize it more and more these past 2 years of my life, which have been my hardest yet.
1 of the reasons why my hometown doesn't feel like home anymore is because Sissy moved over 4 years ago. Ever since then, there has been an emptiness that only she can fill here. When I move down South, I will be a bit closer to her and every less mile counts. Crush and I plan to see them often and next summer we are already planning a week long trip all together in my new state. EXCITED.
But, there is a bit of competition. Dare I admit it, but it is my truth.
A little backstory coming and then back to the jealousy.
WARNING....WARNING: Bit of a weird thing I am going to share next, but it is a part of my ongoing recovery and related to this post as it has to do with appearance...deep breath...
Recently, I have learned that to my family, I am considered the beauty out of Sissy and me. WHY ARE PEOPLE EVEN DISCUSSING THIS? This is not to brag or boast, this is simply to admit the fact that I had no idea....
I am working through it in therapy...letters from my family about me that I open up in my sessions and reflect upon....they reveal what others think and it is painful. What other people think of me is one of my biggest fears. Coming to terms with my "surrounding reality" (what we call our immediate life in therapy) feels like I am being suffocated every week.
I have such a disordered sense of self.
I just do not see myself as pretty. I see myself as ugly, fat, and annoying. The past 2 years have a lot to do with this. I am still not ready yet, but eventually I will share some of my recent downfalls which involved trying to help people from my past as clients. Just wasn't a good fit and brought back feelings of high school and overall stupidity. The push and pull became so much more than a simple professional - client relationship. Gray area at it's best.
I don't know why I even walked into that lions den because I knew it wasn't going to end well. And it didn't. After I separate myself from the midwest by miles and miles, I will be ready to divulge a bit more, I promise.
I take every insult so literally that the compliments escape me completely. Yet, every mean thing ever directed at me has been eternally tattooed on my soul. It was one of the reasons why I loved to drink and get WASTED. To black out from my sounding reality. I literally cannot clearly recall several years of my early 20's...just bits and pieces in dreams. I was running away from myself.
So, back to the jealousy.
Why am I jealous? It seems too silly to even type. Just like typing about my looks, but, well, Sissy is skinny. She had a baby in February and ALL of her baby weight is gone. She is slim, after having 2 babies and I am huge compared to her. BIG. ENORMOUS. We took a photo together and after seeing it, I couldn't even keep it....I had to delete it even though she looked gorgeous.
To clarify a bit, Sissy is a smaller lady than me. About 5 inches shorter and more delicately boned. At her wedding (which she weighs the same now), I was only 20 pounds heavier than her. We looked about the same weight, my arms were actually thinner. Now, I am 45 pounds heavier (I was very slim for me at her wedding, the smallest I have ever been).... this change in myself makes me feel like I can't breathe sometimes.
This weight is heavy on my heart. I haven't had a baby. I haven't been married.
I have eaten my bad feelings and now they are under my skin. Trapping me.
Today, I am home alone working. I have TONS to do. The family is out and I started bawling because how did I lose my self control with food? Why am I back counting points for the 6th time? I vowed after Sissy's wedding that I would stay trim....WHAT HAPPENED...Awful did and lots of emotional turmoil in quick summary...but, I should be able to control my food through out my hardships.
I used to be disciplined with my diet and trying to look my best. When did I give up?
Today, I started to binge again. It was an automatic reflex to my sadness. I had some chocolate and some popcorn. I ate some rice salad and a nectarine. And then I stopped. My throat closed up and I had a mind/body connection that is a new feeling for me. I am just getting used to hearing my voice and allowing it to surpass by anxiety. When it happens, it is almost like having an orgasm. It surprises me.
Mind: "Stop. Stop. You are eating because you are sad about how you feel about yourself. Eating more will not change this. Stop. Remove yourself from the kitchen. Track your WeightWatchers points and move on. You are tired and thirsty. Take a nap."
Body: I threw out what I was binging on, washed my hands, and got a huge glass of ice water. I left the kitchen and I laid down.
I won this little battle.
Progress.
This struggle is hour by hour, minute by minute. But, by being conscious all the time and by listening to my mind, I know I can do this. Somewhere inside of me, my strength is starting to simmer.
So, I had my little pity party. My sister is skinny and I am jealous. So what? She is still my sister and I love her just the same. She is kind, supportive, respectful, and intelligent. She is a person that I trust and depend on. As I get older, I realize how important this is. There are so many less people like this in my life than I once assumed.
I am battling a food addiction.
Coming to terms with it has been a reality check that I have been avoiding for way over 12 years. I always knew it, but I didn't want to fight it. I wasn't ready. I wasn't strong enough yet.
I knew inside it would be a hard fight and IT IS.
I wish there was an instant fix for this. I wish there was a way to feel like myself inside AND out. But, I have to get over myself and my fear of failure.
I will do this.
And unlike the old me, I will not let vanity lead this battle.....I want it for health, for life, for ME. I want to be able to go to a party without fearing my appearance in posted photos. I want to be able to take a trip and enjoy the sights just as much as the restaurants. I want to be the same size for more than just a few months. To enjoy by wardrobe 4 seasons in a row.
I want my mind to lead and my body to follow.
I went back and forth about even sharing it.
I feel silly.....but, I made a vow to myself when I started this blog that I wouldn't censor my feelings.
Here goes....
I am jealous.
Oy. I can't help it.
Sissy is in town this week with her babies and husband and we are all getting on like pie. What a relief. In the last year, I have matured a bit in terms of letting things go when I should, but something I can't always shake is sibling rivalry.
Don't get me wrong, Sissy is truly one of my best friends in the entire world. She gets me as only a few do. The bond we have is forever strong. I realize it more and more these past 2 years of my life, which have been my hardest yet.
1 of the reasons why my hometown doesn't feel like home anymore is because Sissy moved over 4 years ago. Ever since then, there has been an emptiness that only she can fill here. When I move down South, I will be a bit closer to her and every less mile counts. Crush and I plan to see them often and next summer we are already planning a week long trip all together in my new state. EXCITED.
But, there is a bit of competition. Dare I admit it, but it is my truth.
A little backstory coming and then back to the jealousy.
WARNING....WARNING: Bit of a weird thing I am going to share next, but it is a part of my ongoing recovery and related to this post as it has to do with appearance...deep breath...
Recently, I have learned that to my family, I am considered the beauty out of Sissy and me. WHY ARE PEOPLE EVEN DISCUSSING THIS? This is not to brag or boast, this is simply to admit the fact that I had no idea....
I am working through it in therapy...letters from my family about me that I open up in my sessions and reflect upon....they reveal what others think and it is painful. What other people think of me is one of my biggest fears. Coming to terms with my "surrounding reality" (what we call our immediate life in therapy) feels like I am being suffocated every week.
I have such a disordered sense of self.
I just do not see myself as pretty. I see myself as ugly, fat, and annoying. The past 2 years have a lot to do with this. I am still not ready yet, but eventually I will share some of my recent downfalls which involved trying to help people from my past as clients. Just wasn't a good fit and brought back feelings of high school and overall stupidity. The push and pull became so much more than a simple professional - client relationship. Gray area at it's best.
I don't know why I even walked into that lions den because I knew it wasn't going to end well. And it didn't. After I separate myself from the midwest by miles and miles, I will be ready to divulge a bit more, I promise.
I take every insult so literally that the compliments escape me completely. Yet, every mean thing ever directed at me has been eternally tattooed on my soul. It was one of the reasons why I loved to drink and get WASTED. To black out from my sounding reality. I literally cannot clearly recall several years of my early 20's...just bits and pieces in dreams. I was running away from myself.
So, back to the jealousy.
Why am I jealous? It seems too silly to even type. Just like typing about my looks, but, well, Sissy is skinny. She had a baby in February and ALL of her baby weight is gone. She is slim, after having 2 babies and I am huge compared to her. BIG. ENORMOUS. We took a photo together and after seeing it, I couldn't even keep it....I had to delete it even though she looked gorgeous.
To clarify a bit, Sissy is a smaller lady than me. About 5 inches shorter and more delicately boned. At her wedding (which she weighs the same now), I was only 20 pounds heavier than her. We looked about the same weight, my arms were actually thinner. Now, I am 45 pounds heavier (I was very slim for me at her wedding, the smallest I have ever been).... this change in myself makes me feel like I can't breathe sometimes.
This weight is heavy on my heart. I haven't had a baby. I haven't been married.
I have eaten my bad feelings and now they are under my skin. Trapping me.
Today, I am home alone working. I have TONS to do. The family is out and I started bawling because how did I lose my self control with food? Why am I back counting points for the 6th time? I vowed after Sissy's wedding that I would stay trim....WHAT HAPPENED...Awful did and lots of emotional turmoil in quick summary...but, I should be able to control my food through out my hardships.
I used to be disciplined with my diet and trying to look my best. When did I give up?
Today, I started to binge again. It was an automatic reflex to my sadness. I had some chocolate and some popcorn. I ate some rice salad and a nectarine. And then I stopped. My throat closed up and I had a mind/body connection that is a new feeling for me. I am just getting used to hearing my voice and allowing it to surpass by anxiety. When it happens, it is almost like having an orgasm. It surprises me.
Mind: "Stop. Stop. You are eating because you are sad about how you feel about yourself. Eating more will not change this. Stop. Remove yourself from the kitchen. Track your WeightWatchers points and move on. You are tired and thirsty. Take a nap."
Body: I threw out what I was binging on, washed my hands, and got a huge glass of ice water. I left the kitchen and I laid down.
I won this little battle.
Progress.
This struggle is hour by hour, minute by minute. But, by being conscious all the time and by listening to my mind, I know I can do this. Somewhere inside of me, my strength is starting to simmer.
So, I had my little pity party. My sister is skinny and I am jealous. So what? She is still my sister and I love her just the same. She is kind, supportive, respectful, and intelligent. She is a person that I trust and depend on. As I get older, I realize how important this is. There are so many less people like this in my life than I once assumed.
I am battling a food addiction.
Coming to terms with it has been a reality check that I have been avoiding for way over 12 years. I always knew it, but I didn't want to fight it. I wasn't ready. I wasn't strong enough yet.
I knew inside it would be a hard fight and IT IS.
I wish there was an instant fix for this. I wish there was a way to feel like myself inside AND out. But, I have to get over myself and my fear of failure.
I will do this.
And unlike the old me, I will not let vanity lead this battle.....I want it for health, for life, for ME. I want to be able to go to a party without fearing my appearance in posted photos. I want to be able to take a trip and enjoy the sights just as much as the restaurants. I want to be the same size for more than just a few months. To enjoy by wardrobe 4 seasons in a row.
I want my mind to lead and my body to follow.
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