I binged badly yesterday for my first time since I started my eating therapy. I have had little slip-ups, but this binge was reminiscent of the big ugly ones of the past.
The silver lining here is that I know why I did it.
I have been working non-stop for the last month or so, averaging 4-5 hours sleep tops. I now have a nice little break and Sunday after I was done working....I had this moment of relief pass over me (and my tired feet)....I don't have to set the alarm tomorrow, I can just chill out and lay down for the first time in a long time.
I then started thinking.
And let me tell you, I am better busy than with nothing to do because I over-think everything and give myself anxiety without any good reason.
I mulled over Awful's pending marriage and the stupidity of our past relationship.
I got caught in a web of doubt that Crush will not do right by me and makes things official after I move across the country for him (even though I know he will).
I fretted over the fact that I do not have a new job in my new city.
I started beating myself up that I have been trying to lose weight for 18 months and I have only lost 13.5 pounds when other people (like I started to compare myself to contestants on Extreme Weight Loss and Biggest Loser) can do it so easily (even though it must be torture losing 10 pounds in a week!).
I then went to the fridge and pantry to ease my feelings.
I ate and ate and ate. I must have consumed 5,000 calories.
I fell asleep feeling so full, sobbing. The guilt I felt over hurting my body was a new emotion.
In the past I always soothed myself post binge by thinking, "Tomorrow is a new day."
Last night, I told myself, "You deserve better than this. You are better than this."
Today, I am about to go to the gym and face the scale at WeightWatchers. Yes, I binged epically before my assigned weigh-in day. I will not hide from the numbers. I did it to myself and I need to face the consequences of my decision.
I took a little step in the wrong direction. I am not perfect. I am not instantly cured.
I am trying and I am living and I will beat this.
It may not be today, but I will battle the binge eventually.
Good for you having this self-awareness. That's a huge part of the battle. I've realized lately that I'm definitely eating for all the wrong reasons most of the time lately...Bored? Eat. Frustrated? Eat. Hurt? Eat. Scale backed that up today, and today marks the day I get back on track again.
ReplyDeleteWe can always be better than we were yesterday! :)
We can be better! You are right, it is all about self awareness and I am right there with you!!!!!!!
DeleteMoving is a huge deal and that's on top of your busy season, no wonder you had a shit day. This happens. You are not super human.
ReplyDeleteThank you!!!
DeleteYou are not perfect. (Nobody is.) And you will absolutely beat this. Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteHugs and thank you!!!!
DeleteWe all have slip ups, R&F. You got it out of your system and it's over. Today is a new day... Make it a great one!
ReplyDeleteThank you!!!!!!! It was a good one!
DeleteAt least you know why you did it, but it seemed like you were fretting over things in your life that you can't control. Sometimes you have to LET GO. It feels good. I'm a control freak, but some things are beyond my reach of control, so I just accept it and let go.
ReplyDeleteAnd never compare yourselves to Biggest Loser people. You know if you (or I) were in a controlled environment with badass trainers we would win. First, I'm already athletic, second because I'm extremely competitive and I would plow all over those losers.
You are so right. Letting go is so hard for me. I really need to work on it. I agree, if I was on the Biggest Loser, watch out!!!!!!!!!!
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