Years ago, I fell in love with Spinning when I joined a new gym to get in shape.
Spinning (real Spinning classes are harder to find than you think and are only offered in Spinning certified studios. Some gyms use this program, but most don't as paying for the Spinning brand and educating instructors is pricey) is NOT cycling or biking or anything else it may be called at most gyms.
The gym I joined just happened to have the real thing and I quickly became obsessed. In less than a year, my body looked the best it ever has and I was down 30 plus pounds.
Then, I moved in with Awful, got depressed, changed gyms because my old one was a bit harder to get to (especially in city traffic) and tried the biking (not real Spinning) classes there....I was less than impressed.
The same story can be repeated 5 times. NOTHING has ever come close to the AMAZING classes I took at the gym I loved and even some of the Spinning certified studios (I always try multiple classes at each location I try to see if I can find an instructor I click with if the overall offerings are not what I expected) I have tried are blah....BUT, there is a Spinning certified studio in the new city I am moving to and I have tried several of their classes and THEY ARE EXCEPTIONAL. I actually cried during one because I felt like I was transported back in time 5 years when I first fell in love with Spinning...everyone, but the instructor, thought I was insane.
It really is very fitting that the only Spinning classes I love are in my new city....because it is truly my favorite place in the world.
So, for the last 4 years, I have made excuses to not workout as I should because I love Spinning, but cannot find classes that even compare to my first experience with it. I was trying to generalize that the past success I accomplished was ONLY because of Spinning and NOT because I was working out hard on a daily basis. DUH.
2 weeks ago, I walked out of a cycling class at my current gym. This is the first time I have EVER done this....BUT, the instructor was talking all about her vacation and playing such songs as "Purple People Eater" and "Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" and I was about to throw my water bottle at her because I am intense when I work out. I don't talk, I focus, I want to sweat. I take a class, so I don't have to think about anything, but the way my body is feeling. I don't want to hear about the crab legs at the all you can eat buffet and play any music you like, but at least play something with a beat....
I reason that leaving was better than going to jail for assault for throwing an object at a stranger.....
And then it hit me....
I can play my own music and ride a Spinning bike on the cardio floor of my gym (my gym has Spinning bikes that you can clip into in common areas and not just the studio...I wear bike shoes during class) which happens to be open 24 hours a day. No more excuses.
Since then, I have been making my own play lists and I have been riding daily. I have been looking forward to the time I get to spend on the bike, sweating the day out, and listening to all of my favorite music. I have been to the gym 10 times in the last 14 days. I know the scale will be down this Monday as it was last, I can feel my jeans getting looser already! When the weather finally agrees to be Spring, I will bike outside, too (which I love), but there has only been 2 nice days around here and I worked both of them, so inside will have to do for now.
Recently, I decided that I am ready to commit to a goal on my bucket list that I have been wanting to accomplish for 5 years.....da da dah......
I will be riding a Century, an 100 mile bike ride, in October. The race is close to my new city.
I started in on training program and accomplished 30 miles in 95 minutes today, so I am right on track according to my guide.
I work well with a goal in mind and I think 100 miles may just be that!
HAPPY FRIDAY!
Friday, May 3, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
The S Word
Skinny.
FUCK IT.
Crush and I are in a bit of a tiff.
Lately, he keeps talking about how skinny everyone is. It is really triggering me.
I feel that little voice inside me. Calling me. Tempting me. "Starve R&F. See how long you can restrict your calories so Crush will say you are ALSO skinny."
Every bout of dieting until this last one which I started BEFORE I even met Crush, was because of a comment about my weight by a man. Every single time. For me diets start after insults. Therefore, I have not been able to lose weight because I have never done it for me. For my health. For my needs. I did it so men would call me skinny and MOSTLY, so no one would call me falsely pregnant or fat.
But, I am fat now. Fluffy. I am for me and I am okay with it. I have a boyfriend who loves me. I have been to the gym the last 6 days in a row. I have been on WeightWatchers on plan for nearly 3 weeks. I am feeling good. I want to be thinner, but I don't want to be skinny.
Crush cannot stop:
"Your friend Lynn is skinny"
"Your sister is so skinny after 2 kids"
"Your cousin is skinny and has such toned arms"
"My mom wants you to try to set my brother up, but she says he only likes skinny girls."
Today shit hit the fan. While discussing my cousin above, he told me in passing "you are so much bigger than your cousin."
I am. She is 5'0" and I am 5'10". She is in a skinny phase of her life. She is under tremendous pressure. Crush doesn't know anything about her.
I went NUTS.
Because I have a feeling his mom is telling him that I am great and beautiful, but that I should lose weight, especially if we are to be married in the near future. I often have these delusional fantasies about my weight and what people say about it negatively....but, I can read Crush like an open book. I KNOW him. I also know how important thin is to his family and how his sister lost 40+ pounds for her wedding and in my opinion took it WAY WAY too far as she looked gorgeous before (and the excessive weight loss took away from her beauty) and I think she felt she needed to be the absolute skinniest she could EVER be, so no one could call her fat.....I know how it feels to be told that, "you have such a pretty face, BUT..." SUCKS!
I asked him directly about all the skinny stuff and why he can't stop commenting on it and he is hemming and hawing and said he loves me just the way I am which I believe.
The only thing Crush is guilty of is that he is a TOTAL momma's boy and his momma is an excellent person, but I think she was brought up in fear of being fat, so it is ingrained in her. Anything over skinny, so even normal weight, is fat to her. I have noticed that she talks about food, her weight, and other people's weight a lot. Crush has no idea about healthy food and unhealthy food. He is lucky he has such a great metabolism. He is clueless when it comes to diet and nutrition.
My fear isn't as much about me. I just don't want that skinny talk in my home, especially if we have daughters.
My Sissy fights it on the daily as her mother-in-law has food issues and is very particular with what my sister puts in her kids mouths...they once got in a fight because she didn't want Big Baby to have strawberries because they have sugar.....OY!
Nothing in life in perfect. Even the best ones have something. I think this will be our little struggle and I am staying firm and fat (ish)...literally.
FUCK IT.
Crush and I are in a bit of a tiff.
Lately, he keeps talking about how skinny everyone is. It is really triggering me.
I feel that little voice inside me. Calling me. Tempting me. "Starve R&F. See how long you can restrict your calories so Crush will say you are ALSO skinny."
Every bout of dieting until this last one which I started BEFORE I even met Crush, was because of a comment about my weight by a man. Every single time. For me diets start after insults. Therefore, I have not been able to lose weight because I have never done it for me. For my health. For my needs. I did it so men would call me skinny and MOSTLY, so no one would call me falsely pregnant or fat.
But, I am fat now. Fluffy. I am for me and I am okay with it. I have a boyfriend who loves me. I have been to the gym the last 6 days in a row. I have been on WeightWatchers on plan for nearly 3 weeks. I am feeling good. I want to be thinner, but I don't want to be skinny.
Crush cannot stop:
"Your friend Lynn is skinny"
"Your sister is so skinny after 2 kids"
"Your cousin is skinny and has such toned arms"
"My mom wants you to try to set my brother up, but she says he only likes skinny girls."
Today shit hit the fan. While discussing my cousin above, he told me in passing "you are so much bigger than your cousin."
I am. She is 5'0" and I am 5'10". She is in a skinny phase of her life. She is under tremendous pressure. Crush doesn't know anything about her.
I went NUTS.
Because I have a feeling his mom is telling him that I am great and beautiful, but that I should lose weight, especially if we are to be married in the near future. I often have these delusional fantasies about my weight and what people say about it negatively....but, I can read Crush like an open book. I KNOW him. I also know how important thin is to his family and how his sister lost 40+ pounds for her wedding and in my opinion took it WAY WAY too far as she looked gorgeous before (and the excessive weight loss took away from her beauty) and I think she felt she needed to be the absolute skinniest she could EVER be, so no one could call her fat.....I know how it feels to be told that, "you have such a pretty face, BUT..." SUCKS!
I asked him directly about all the skinny stuff and why he can't stop commenting on it and he is hemming and hawing and said he loves me just the way I am which I believe.
The only thing Crush is guilty of is that he is a TOTAL momma's boy and his momma is an excellent person, but I think she was brought up in fear of being fat, so it is ingrained in her. Anything over skinny, so even normal weight, is fat to her. I have noticed that she talks about food, her weight, and other people's weight a lot. Crush has no idea about healthy food and unhealthy food. He is lucky he has such a great metabolism. He is clueless when it comes to diet and nutrition.
My fear isn't as much about me. I just don't want that skinny talk in my home, especially if we have daughters.
My Sissy fights it on the daily as her mother-in-law has food issues and is very particular with what my sister puts in her kids mouths...they once got in a fight because she didn't want Big Baby to have strawberries because they have sugar.....OY!
Nothing in life in perfect. Even the best ones have something. I think this will be our little struggle and I am staying firm and fat (ish)...literally.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
First Impressions and Broken Rules
When I dated, I dated hard.
I hit the websites. Sometimes, Jdate, Match.com, and OkCupid all at once.
I double booked days. Sometimes three dates on one Sunday.
I treated dating like a second job. A means to an end. When I was ready to face the shame, embarrassment, rejection, and emotional turmoil that naturally came with it....I embraced the wave because I knew it would come crashing over me again and I would need and deserve a temporary dating break..... gasping for air, tired and exhausted from being beat down again.
On the round of dating that I met Crush, I had pretty much given up entirely. I had felt like every single person online in my town; I had either met, had been out on a date with already, or knew of and I didn't like and that was leaving me feeling pretty darn blue.
My last round of dates before I met Crush was the "almost" I had gotten used to. The good on paper guy. He was Jewish, taller than me, very sweet, an Ivy League doctor completing his fellowship. We went out 5 times, never kissed, and I knew in my heart, he wasn't the one. When he sent me a text message telling me that "he didn't think we could get together anytime again soon because he was so busy on his new rotation," I was devastated even though I didn't like him, couldn't imagine being intimate with him, and he hated coffee and thought coffee was evil for some reason, so being with him wouldn't have been the best for me anyway...no sex OR coffee? Life wouldn't really go on for me if those were the terms. No guy was worth that.
After Doctor and I parted asexual ways....I broke down. "WHY WHY WHY. Why me...!?!?!?!?"
A few weeks later, I went away, made my husband list and focused on immediate goals and clients. When Crush and I started corresponding, I thought VERY little of it.....because I was used to the never going to happen....now I reason that because I broke my own rules, I think I may have caught Crush without even realizing it.
Crush and I got off to a slow start our first go round. We actually had two starts....which I will get to below. The first time, he made promises to call and never did. He responded to a long heartfelt email I sent (after he sent me a LOOOONG first one ALL about him, so my response to his) with a "thanks for the email, I am super busy and will get back to you soon" and never did. He randomly called me to complain about his broken down Saab convertible and how the dry cleaner messed up his tux that he needed for a charity event....and I almost barfed. PRETENTIOUS LOSER ALERT was flashing in my mind. He went on to tell me that he had 1600 friends on Facebook and that I was strange for not being on there (he is now contemplating deleting his account) and that he went to prep school and had a maid....I gagged while talking to him and made fun of him which was very poor character thinking about it. I deleted him from my phone and email. I thought, what a spoiled self centered prick.
SIDE NOTE: The thing is that my Crush is the most literal person I have EVER met. I told him once that his earnestness reminds me of Forrest Gump and he thanked me. All of his recounts were just him telling me about his present life and I read WAY into it. I now think this could be a nerdy inexperienced guy thing and I bet all of these guys I wrote off for being "too cool" were probably just "SUPER nerdy" and are most likely making some lucky gals, great husbands.
At the time Crush and I had our 1.0, I stopped telling everyone my personal business and started to date a bit secretly. I decided to protect myself. My life was not a story for people to chat about over dinner (the blog is....hahahaha, chat away!)....Other than the blog, I decided to not to over share the dramatics of my life because it was taking a toll on me. I was getting sick of explaining all of my never going anywhere male company to friends...."no, not that guy, we stopped texting a month again, this guy is new, he is really cute and a lawyer, no the other one was an accountant........!" I was feeling like a mockery, a fraud, a joke, a broken record of "well, it was a good date, but nothing happened and there is no second one scheduled". It was killing me on the inside, yet, I put my best foot forward and tried my hardest to be happy, open, and positive.
One day, I was leaving an appointment and my phone rang. Weird number, weird area code. I decided to take it as I was working out of town that upcoming weekend and reasoned it was most likely a call regarding work. It was Crush. Had I known it was him, I would have NEVER picked up the phone or returned his call. EVER. I wouldn't have even listened to his voicemail as I HATED him at this point. He told me he would do things and didn't. He bragged about himself. He was spoiled. He was dead to me.
But, he caught me off guard and that led to a wonderful conversation. One that lasted hours and hours. He let me know why he was distracted earlier in our correspondence: because his grandmother passed away, his ex-fiance who he hadn't spoken to for months came back to return the ring (he told her she could keep it) and his 8 year old Saab broke down under an underpass during a massive storm and he had to handle insurance, renting a car, and buying a new one all at the same time. The tuxedo was for an event honoring his deceased and beloved Nanny and he was supposed to wear a specific one (tails) that she loved and he had been running all over town trying to get a new coat as to not stress out his family......it all made sense.
From that conversation, not a single day has passed that we haven't chatted on the phone. I gave him TONS of credit for calling me up after we had a huge lapse of communication, admitting his reality which wasn't super glamorous (I was picking up on something.....and it was that he didn't want to scare me away with the broken off engagement), and following his heart.....
We are trying to figure out our anniversary for the purposes of what date to celebrate and we decided on the date of this conversation mentioned above...which is just 2 months to the day after I wrote my husband list down on paper and 3 weeks after we first became acquainted.
Last night while we were having our daily before bed chat, I asked him why he called me up again and he told me that he just had this intense feeling that I was his wife from the first time he looked at me and even though it got off to a rocky start full of misconceptions, he figured that the things out of his control were out of his control (passing of Nanny, car, ex), but calling me was something he could take ownership over, so he took the risk. He then said that he would have called me as many times as it took to connect as he could feel something when he spoke to me, even if I was guarding myself...up until Crush, I had dated the same man in different bodies ten times, so I thought I was being so smart...
Also, he loved my email response to his bitching about his broken car which was....
"So sorry about your fancy car breaking down. That stinks. I know how frustrating life can be sometimes and how telling someone "that's life!" when something annoying happens is just about the most annoying thing ever. If it makes you feel better, I am off to deal with a business situation much like your car....pretty from the outside, but absolutely broken from the inside...best of luck with your flooded ride and if you can't get it to start again, perhaps you can use it as a boat or a flower planter. Always have a plan B and I wish you the best of luck. I know it is hard to get up after you have been knocked down and I applaud you for it, not everyone can do that. Have a great day!
That email was off the top of my head, I didn't even reread it before I sent it off (as can be seen with the use of "best of luck" twice.....I stopped caring about all men at this time down to the emails I was supposed to impress them with) and it captured my real voice and my real heart and now........my real future.
I hit the websites. Sometimes, Jdate, Match.com, and OkCupid all at once.
I double booked days. Sometimes three dates on one Sunday.
I treated dating like a second job. A means to an end. When I was ready to face the shame, embarrassment, rejection, and emotional turmoil that naturally came with it....I embraced the wave because I knew it would come crashing over me again and I would need and deserve a temporary dating break..... gasping for air, tired and exhausted from being beat down again.
On the round of dating that I met Crush, I had pretty much given up entirely. I had felt like every single person online in my town; I had either met, had been out on a date with already, or knew of and I didn't like and that was leaving me feeling pretty darn blue.
My last round of dates before I met Crush was the "almost" I had gotten used to. The good on paper guy. He was Jewish, taller than me, very sweet, an Ivy League doctor completing his fellowship. We went out 5 times, never kissed, and I knew in my heart, he wasn't the one. When he sent me a text message telling me that "he didn't think we could get together anytime again soon because he was so busy on his new rotation," I was devastated even though I didn't like him, couldn't imagine being intimate with him, and he hated coffee and thought coffee was evil for some reason, so being with him wouldn't have been the best for me anyway...no sex OR coffee? Life wouldn't really go on for me if those were the terms. No guy was worth that.
After Doctor and I parted asexual ways....I broke down. "WHY WHY WHY. Why me...!?!?!?!?"
A few weeks later, I went away, made my husband list and focused on immediate goals and clients. When Crush and I started corresponding, I thought VERY little of it.....because I was used to the never going to happen....now I reason that because I broke my own rules, I think I may have caught Crush without even realizing it.
Crush and I got off to a slow start our first go round. We actually had two starts....which I will get to below. The first time, he made promises to call and never did. He responded to a long heartfelt email I sent (after he sent me a LOOOONG first one ALL about him, so my response to his) with a "thanks for the email, I am super busy and will get back to you soon" and never did. He randomly called me to complain about his broken down Saab convertible and how the dry cleaner messed up his tux that he needed for a charity event....and I almost barfed. PRETENTIOUS LOSER ALERT was flashing in my mind. He went on to tell me that he had 1600 friends on Facebook and that I was strange for not being on there (he is now contemplating deleting his account) and that he went to prep school and had a maid....I gagged while talking to him and made fun of him which was very poor character thinking about it. I deleted him from my phone and email. I thought, what a spoiled self centered prick.
SIDE NOTE: The thing is that my Crush is the most literal person I have EVER met. I told him once that his earnestness reminds me of Forrest Gump and he thanked me. All of his recounts were just him telling me about his present life and I read WAY into it. I now think this could be a nerdy inexperienced guy thing and I bet all of these guys I wrote off for being "too cool" were probably just "SUPER nerdy" and are most likely making some lucky gals, great husbands.
At the time Crush and I had our 1.0, I stopped telling everyone my personal business and started to date a bit secretly. I decided to protect myself. My life was not a story for people to chat about over dinner (the blog is....hahahaha, chat away!)....Other than the blog, I decided to not to over share the dramatics of my life because it was taking a toll on me. I was getting sick of explaining all of my never going anywhere male company to friends...."no, not that guy, we stopped texting a month again, this guy is new, he is really cute and a lawyer, no the other one was an accountant........!" I was feeling like a mockery, a fraud, a joke, a broken record of "well, it was a good date, but nothing happened and there is no second one scheduled". It was killing me on the inside, yet, I put my best foot forward and tried my hardest to be happy, open, and positive.
One day, I was leaving an appointment and my phone rang. Weird number, weird area code. I decided to take it as I was working out of town that upcoming weekend and reasoned it was most likely a call regarding work. It was Crush. Had I known it was him, I would have NEVER picked up the phone or returned his call. EVER. I wouldn't have even listened to his voicemail as I HATED him at this point. He told me he would do things and didn't. He bragged about himself. He was spoiled. He was dead to me.
But, he caught me off guard and that led to a wonderful conversation. One that lasted hours and hours. He let me know why he was distracted earlier in our correspondence: because his grandmother passed away, his ex-fiance who he hadn't spoken to for months came back to return the ring (he told her she could keep it) and his 8 year old Saab broke down under an underpass during a massive storm and he had to handle insurance, renting a car, and buying a new one all at the same time. The tuxedo was for an event honoring his deceased and beloved Nanny and he was supposed to wear a specific one (tails) that she loved and he had been running all over town trying to get a new coat as to not stress out his family......it all made sense.
From that conversation, not a single day has passed that we haven't chatted on the phone. I gave him TONS of credit for calling me up after we had a huge lapse of communication, admitting his reality which wasn't super glamorous (I was picking up on something.....and it was that he didn't want to scare me away with the broken off engagement), and following his heart.....
We are trying to figure out our anniversary for the purposes of what date to celebrate and we decided on the date of this conversation mentioned above...which is just 2 months to the day after I wrote my husband list down on paper and 3 weeks after we first became acquainted.
Last night while we were having our daily before bed chat, I asked him why he called me up again and he told me that he just had this intense feeling that I was his wife from the first time he looked at me and even though it got off to a rocky start full of misconceptions, he figured that the things out of his control were out of his control (passing of Nanny, car, ex), but calling me was something he could take ownership over, so he took the risk. He then said that he would have called me as many times as it took to connect as he could feel something when he spoke to me, even if I was guarding myself...up until Crush, I had dated the same man in different bodies ten times, so I thought I was being so smart...
Also, he loved my email response to his bitching about his broken car which was....
"So sorry about your fancy car breaking down. That stinks. I know how frustrating life can be sometimes and how telling someone "that's life!" when something annoying happens is just about the most annoying thing ever. If it makes you feel better, I am off to deal with a business situation much like your car....pretty from the outside, but absolutely broken from the inside...best of luck with your flooded ride and if you can't get it to start again, perhaps you can use it as a boat or a flower planter. Always have a plan B and I wish you the best of luck. I know it is hard to get up after you have been knocked down and I applaud you for it, not everyone can do that. Have a great day!
That email was off the top of my head, I didn't even reread it before I sent it off (as can be seen with the use of "best of luck" twice.....I stopped caring about all men at this time down to the emails I was supposed to impress them with) and it captured my real voice and my real heart and now........my real future.
Monday, April 29, 2013
6 CDs That I Continued To Repurchase When I Lost Them Until I Figured Out How To Use iTunes
Music is amazing to me. I know that is a really dumb statement. Duh, R&F....of course it is and probably to many people, too. Blanket statement here.
But, as I have mentioned before, I am just such a lover of music. I feel like a song AND a smell (not necessarily at the SAME time) has the power to take you back in time like nothing else. I LOVE IT. Music gives me hope like nothing else does. Allows me to escape and daydream. Music and books are what I need most to be happy (and ice cream, pizza, and massages, too).
Here are a few of my ABSOLUTE favorite CDs that will ALWAYS be in my music collection no matter what and where they take me when I listen to them.
1. Ella Fitzgerald Sings the Cole Porter Songbook: This CD is one I listen to often. In the car, when I need to daydream, and as a good background to work. Both of my parents grew up listening to show tunes and lots of Cole Porter. They exposed Sissy and me to musicals at a very young range and I am a huge fan of the old favorites (Cole Porter, Rodgers and Hammerstein, Irving Berlin, etc.): Guys and Dolls, Oklahoma, Annie Get Your Gun, Anything Goes....This CD will always take me back to my childhood. The songs remind me of my maternal grandmother. She danced with my papa to one of the songs on this very CD at her wedding over 75 years ago. Fun fact....Crush and I decided we want to dance to it, too, at our wedding one day as our first dance as a tribute to my Nana who I love and miss dearly. Crush is a good one, he loves family, too. He even agreed to take dance lessons with me, so we can dance real nice to it! Ella's voice is incredible. Smooth as silk. She transcended racial barriers because of her talent and articulates every word perfectly. This CD always makes me think how life has been here before I was. Some things: love, sex, drugs, booze, heartbreak...well....people have been living it forever.
2. James Taylor's Greatest Hits: My parents had this on a record when I was little. I remember listening to it while I played with my sister in the family room and my mom made us dinner. I am like my mom....I also LOVE cooking to music (I like to drink some wine, too!). As a preteen, I went to overnight camp and I remember singing these songs confidently around the campfire while eating s'mores. It was such a memorable time for me. I had such a strong sense of self until I was 14 and then as time went by, my confidence was chipped away bit by bit until this year. I was happy when I heard these songs, even if they were sad. They made me feel grownup and as the summers went by I began to understand the words differently. Little clue, I am moving to a place that Mr. Taylor says "he is going to in his mind...." and Crush always sings that song to me. He actually sounds a bit like James T! One day, Crush and I have a dream that we are going to have HUGE campfires at our little house with our families and I am going to provide laminated song sheets with many songs from this CD, just like camp! We are all going to make s'mores, and Crush will play the guitar (he is really good). I know I will feel just like that 12 year old girl again, but it will be even better because instead of wishing for my future, my dreams actually came true.
3. Ani DiFranco's Living in Clip: Sissy got me into Ani when I was in high school. Sissy was never popular in high school, but she was always so much cooler than me. She had a few artsy friends who were true best friends and they experienced life and all of the cool things you can do 25 miles outside of this suburb. Sissy knew the bars they let underagers into, how to take the train, and where all the best underground coffee shops, poetry slams, and concerts were. She got me into some bad habits, too....Smoking ciggies and pot...but, I will never take back the nights we cruised the beachfront in a beat up car listening to this CD and eating sour gummy candies while drinking Diet Mountain Dews. This CD is awesome. Ani is super talented, angry, confused, and sexually ripe. She is quentisential 90's girl rock, but so much better. Ani is bisexual and I remember going to her concert with Sissy at 15 and seeing life beyond my suburban walls......girls kissing, men holding hands....lots of love and acceptance and fun in one central space. ENERGY. DEFIANCE. A SUCK IT TO EVERYTHING OUTSIDE OF THE CONCERT WALLS. I was infactuated. I knew a bigger world existed and I wanted to be a part of it. It is angst, hope, and a big ole FUCK YOU in one fantastic collection.
4. Counting Crow's Across A Wire- Live in New York City: I bought this CD senior year of high school, but fell in love with it my freshman year of college. This is my favorite CD of all time. It takes me back to a time when I was SO SUPER lonely before I met my best friends in college right through getting drunk and stoned with them a few years later while listening to it all together. It reminds me of how college felt: alive, raw, sad, sexy, deep without knowing what the hell was going on, fun, and scary ALL at the same time. Pure poetry. By the way, Adam Duritz lives in an admitted alternate reality, so maybe that is what I liked his songs so much at the time....because I was living in my own alternate reality, too. I always wanted to make love to the blue CD....I know, totalally me and total over-share, but it was a fantasty of mine. When Crush and I first consumated our relationship...this is what I played and all of my 18 year old girl fantasies (came, not in a literal sense, just a figurative one...sorry....couldn't resist....) true. My favorite song of all time, is "Anna Begins" on the blue CD, track #9. This CD holds up, like most on my list. None of the CDs I recommended are new. But, this one to me, most of all, is pure poetry set to intoxicating music. I also LOVE piano incorporated into rock music. I just hate Ben Folds Five. I am weird like that.
5. Liz Phair Exile in Guyville: Another great girl CD. Liz Phair, old Liz Phair that is....is the exact CD you need to play when you are embracing your girl power or going through a break up. She is not the best singer and has epic stage fright, but there is something about her. Kinda like skinny-fat or ugly-pretty.....she is IT, in her own way. I like to think of myself this way, too. This is her debut album and in my opinion her best. She recorded it before any stardom or fame was a reality and it is just the perfect CD to dance naked to in front of the mirror when you are 17 (not like I have ever done that....hahahaha, OF COURSE I HAVE!)....Of course, Sissy introduced me to her and we once saw Liz in concert and it was a night I will always remember, because Liz never pretended to be the BEST singer, she didn't rely on anything other than what she had...her own talent that was so her. She went right up on stage and sang like she does and played the guitar and was INCREDIBLE...she didn't over compensate. She was earth shattering. Authentic and real. It changed my life. Best isn't the only way. Bring true can take the cake any day.
6. Eva Cassidy Live at Blues Alley: My parents introduced me to Eva Cassidy. They watched a segment about her years ago on ABC's Nightline (mentioned in her Wiki). If you haven't heard of Eva, it is because she passed away at 33 from melonoma in 1996. She never achieved real success during her lifetime, but she has gone on to become legendary. She was a bit before her time. She didn't want to be typecast as anything, but Eva. She wanted to be a folk, rock, gospel, blues, soul, jazz, and country singer all at the same time and the industry wasn't ready for her. You need to check her out. PLEASE. Her rendition of "What a Wonderful World" is my second favorite song of all time (after Anna Begins as I mentioned above). This live CD is my favorite out of all of her CDs (I tend to enjoy the sponanaity and range of live music as I judge REAL talent live) and covers all ranges of music, so a great CD to play at a party or while working. When you think that the world lost out on talent like this when she was only 33, it makes you realize that some things will never make sense......I cry like a baby to many of her songs. They are so pure, real, clear, and vivid.....when I hear her voice, especially around that time of the month....I tend to cry.
Happy Listening!!!!
But, as I have mentioned before, I am just such a lover of music. I feel like a song AND a smell (not necessarily at the SAME time) has the power to take you back in time like nothing else. I LOVE IT. Music gives me hope like nothing else does. Allows me to escape and daydream. Music and books are what I need most to be happy (and ice cream, pizza, and massages, too).
Here are a few of my ABSOLUTE favorite CDs that will ALWAYS be in my music collection no matter what and where they take me when I listen to them.
1. Ella Fitzgerald Sings the Cole Porter Songbook: This CD is one I listen to often. In the car, when I need to daydream, and as a good background to work. Both of my parents grew up listening to show tunes and lots of Cole Porter. They exposed Sissy and me to musicals at a very young range and I am a huge fan of the old favorites (Cole Porter, Rodgers and Hammerstein, Irving Berlin, etc.): Guys and Dolls, Oklahoma, Annie Get Your Gun, Anything Goes....This CD will always take me back to my childhood. The songs remind me of my maternal grandmother. She danced with my papa to one of the songs on this very CD at her wedding over 75 years ago. Fun fact....Crush and I decided we want to dance to it, too, at our wedding one day as our first dance as a tribute to my Nana who I love and miss dearly. Crush is a good one, he loves family, too. He even agreed to take dance lessons with me, so we can dance real nice to it! Ella's voice is incredible. Smooth as silk. She transcended racial barriers because of her talent and articulates every word perfectly. This CD always makes me think how life has been here before I was. Some things: love, sex, drugs, booze, heartbreak...well....people have been living it forever.
2. James Taylor's Greatest Hits: My parents had this on a record when I was little. I remember listening to it while I played with my sister in the family room and my mom made us dinner. I am like my mom....I also LOVE cooking to music (I like to drink some wine, too!). As a preteen, I went to overnight camp and I remember singing these songs confidently around the campfire while eating s'mores. It was such a memorable time for me. I had such a strong sense of self until I was 14 and then as time went by, my confidence was chipped away bit by bit until this year. I was happy when I heard these songs, even if they were sad. They made me feel grownup and as the summers went by I began to understand the words differently. Little clue, I am moving to a place that Mr. Taylor says "he is going to in his mind...." and Crush always sings that song to me. He actually sounds a bit like James T! One day, Crush and I have a dream that we are going to have HUGE campfires at our little house with our families and I am going to provide laminated song sheets with many songs from this CD, just like camp! We are all going to make s'mores, and Crush will play the guitar (he is really good). I know I will feel just like that 12 year old girl again, but it will be even better because instead of wishing for my future, my dreams actually came true.
3. Ani DiFranco's Living in Clip: Sissy got me into Ani when I was in high school. Sissy was never popular in high school, but she was always so much cooler than me. She had a few artsy friends who were true best friends and they experienced life and all of the cool things you can do 25 miles outside of this suburb. Sissy knew the bars they let underagers into, how to take the train, and where all the best underground coffee shops, poetry slams, and concerts were. She got me into some bad habits, too....Smoking ciggies and pot...but, I will never take back the nights we cruised the beachfront in a beat up car listening to this CD and eating sour gummy candies while drinking Diet Mountain Dews. This CD is awesome. Ani is super talented, angry, confused, and sexually ripe. She is quentisential 90's girl rock, but so much better. Ani is bisexual and I remember going to her concert with Sissy at 15 and seeing life beyond my suburban walls......girls kissing, men holding hands....lots of love and acceptance and fun in one central space. ENERGY. DEFIANCE. A SUCK IT TO EVERYTHING OUTSIDE OF THE CONCERT WALLS. I was infactuated. I knew a bigger world existed and I wanted to be a part of it. It is angst, hope, and a big ole FUCK YOU in one fantastic collection.
4. Counting Crow's Across A Wire- Live in New York City: I bought this CD senior year of high school, but fell in love with it my freshman year of college. This is my favorite CD of all time. It takes me back to a time when I was SO SUPER lonely before I met my best friends in college right through getting drunk and stoned with them a few years later while listening to it all together. It reminds me of how college felt: alive, raw, sad, sexy, deep without knowing what the hell was going on, fun, and scary ALL at the same time. Pure poetry. By the way, Adam Duritz lives in an admitted alternate reality, so maybe that is what I liked his songs so much at the time....because I was living in my own alternate reality, too. I always wanted to make love to the blue CD....I know, totalally me and total over-share, but it was a fantasty of mine. When Crush and I first consumated our relationship...this is what I played and all of my 18 year old girl fantasies (came, not in a literal sense, just a figurative one...sorry....couldn't resist....) true. My favorite song of all time, is "Anna Begins" on the blue CD, track #9. This CD holds up, like most on my list. None of the CDs I recommended are new. But, this one to me, most of all, is pure poetry set to intoxicating music. I also LOVE piano incorporated into rock music. I just hate Ben Folds Five. I am weird like that.
5. Liz Phair Exile in Guyville: Another great girl CD. Liz Phair, old Liz Phair that is....is the exact CD you need to play when you are embracing your girl power or going through a break up. She is not the best singer and has epic stage fright, but there is something about her. Kinda like skinny-fat or ugly-pretty.....she is IT, in her own way. I like to think of myself this way, too. This is her debut album and in my opinion her best. She recorded it before any stardom or fame was a reality and it is just the perfect CD to dance naked to in front of the mirror when you are 17 (not like I have ever done that....hahahaha, OF COURSE I HAVE!)....Of course, Sissy introduced me to her and we once saw Liz in concert and it was a night I will always remember, because Liz never pretended to be the BEST singer, she didn't rely on anything other than what she had...her own talent that was so her. She went right up on stage and sang like she does and played the guitar and was INCREDIBLE...she didn't over compensate. She was earth shattering. Authentic and real. It changed my life. Best isn't the only way. Bring true can take the cake any day.
6. Eva Cassidy Live at Blues Alley: My parents introduced me to Eva Cassidy. They watched a segment about her years ago on ABC's Nightline (mentioned in her Wiki). If you haven't heard of Eva, it is because she passed away at 33 from melonoma in 1996. She never achieved real success during her lifetime, but she has gone on to become legendary. She was a bit before her time. She didn't want to be typecast as anything, but Eva. She wanted to be a folk, rock, gospel, blues, soul, jazz, and country singer all at the same time and the industry wasn't ready for her. You need to check her out. PLEASE. Her rendition of "What a Wonderful World" is my second favorite song of all time (after Anna Begins as I mentioned above). This live CD is my favorite out of all of her CDs (I tend to enjoy the sponanaity and range of live music as I judge REAL talent live) and covers all ranges of music, so a great CD to play at a party or while working. When you think that the world lost out on talent like this when she was only 33, it makes you realize that some things will never make sense......I cry like a baby to many of her songs. They are so pure, real, clear, and vivid.....when I hear her voice, especially around that time of the month....I tend to cry.
Happy Listening!!!!
Friday, April 26, 2013
Southern Comfort
This morning, I was at the grocery store shopping for a few last minute items for the weekend. A store clerk with special needs was stocking the shelves and saying hello and trying to give high fives to all of the patrons coming down aisle 9. I gave him a big hello and handshake. He then followed me down the aisle and starting commenting about all the things in my cart, telling me if he liked them or not.
I realized that out of all of the busy customers rushing around the store, I was the only person thus far who acknowledged him. Everyone else just pretended he wasn't there when he said hello. Some even went out of their way to avoid him. Just as I was putting my Nature's Valley granola bars in the cart, a beautiful blond lady came down the aisle in her workout clothes with a cart full of snack foods.....I immediately thought...mom of teenage boys. The young store clerk gave her a high five and she stopped and asked him how he was and told him he was doing a great job and that he should enjoy the sunshine. He told her that he wanted to go get ice cream later and she said it was the perfect day. They both agreed that mint chocolate chip was their favorite flavor.
As she spoke, I noticed her thick southern drawl and I had to chat with her. I asked her where she was from thinking Texas. "Born in Kentucky, darlin'. Lived there until 6 years ago and then Atlanta and now here....I hate it. I know you all have this city pride, but I am itching to get out of here. 2 more to get off to college and thankfully all the boys (I was right!) are choosing southern schools and then my husband and I are heading back down. This place is breaking me. No one is kind, nice, or real. No one can slow down and say hello to a man who needs a little encouragement. I need me some sweet tea and some sweet hearts."
I told her I was moving south in September for love and a better life and she gave me a hug. Told me the little city I will call home is her favorite city in the south. Asked me for my number, just in case she ever came down.
As we exchanged niceties about our weekends, she looked me in the eye and told me, "Honey, you have a southern heart. I feel it. Do you realize that you and me, we are the only people who spoke to the young man stocking the shelves? Just us. What is wrong with this world? We should be building up and we are only breaking down. You just made my day, don't you forget it. Someone raised you right. I see good in you. Best of luck and tell your man, he got a good one with you, honey." She then gave me a big hug and went on with her day.
So, she noticed me, just as I noticed her.
As she walked away, I smiled and my eyes welled up with tears (I am such a softie these days!). The world keeps giving me signs, now that I am ready to receive them.
And she is right, there is nothing better than sweet tea and sweet hearts.
The store clerk saw my tears and told me "DON'T CRY!" and I let him know that they were just happy tears and he giggled. "HAPPY TEARS!" and continued doing his job with his sweet heart.
I realized that out of all of the busy customers rushing around the store, I was the only person thus far who acknowledged him. Everyone else just pretended he wasn't there when he said hello. Some even went out of their way to avoid him. Just as I was putting my Nature's Valley granola bars in the cart, a beautiful blond lady came down the aisle in her workout clothes with a cart full of snack foods.....I immediately thought...mom of teenage boys. The young store clerk gave her a high five and she stopped and asked him how he was and told him he was doing a great job and that he should enjoy the sunshine. He told her that he wanted to go get ice cream later and she said it was the perfect day. They both agreed that mint chocolate chip was their favorite flavor.
As she spoke, I noticed her thick southern drawl and I had to chat with her. I asked her where she was from thinking Texas. "Born in Kentucky, darlin'. Lived there until 6 years ago and then Atlanta and now here....I hate it. I know you all have this city pride, but I am itching to get out of here. 2 more to get off to college and thankfully all the boys (I was right!) are choosing southern schools and then my husband and I are heading back down. This place is breaking me. No one is kind, nice, or real. No one can slow down and say hello to a man who needs a little encouragement. I need me some sweet tea and some sweet hearts."
I told her I was moving south in September for love and a better life and she gave me a hug. Told me the little city I will call home is her favorite city in the south. Asked me for my number, just in case she ever came down.
As we exchanged niceties about our weekends, she looked me in the eye and told me, "Honey, you have a southern heart. I feel it. Do you realize that you and me, we are the only people who spoke to the young man stocking the shelves? Just us. What is wrong with this world? We should be building up and we are only breaking down. You just made my day, don't you forget it. Someone raised you right. I see good in you. Best of luck and tell your man, he got a good one with you, honey." She then gave me a big hug and went on with her day.
So, she noticed me, just as I noticed her.
As she walked away, I smiled and my eyes welled up with tears (I am such a softie these days!). The world keeps giving me signs, now that I am ready to receive them.
And she is right, there is nothing better than sweet tea and sweet hearts.
The store clerk saw my tears and told me "DON'T CRY!" and I let him know that they were just happy tears and he giggled. "HAPPY TEARS!" and continued doing his job with his sweet heart.
Question Me
Last night, Crush and I asked each other the 276 questions you are "supposed" to ask your significant other before you get married.
It was SUPER fun because I love talking, so answering 276 questions about myself....SCORE!
The truth is this....I already knew ALL of his answers. He knew most of mine. We really don't have any secrets. In our case, we have been forced to be super open because of the long distance. We talk at least 1 hour a day and in the beginning....5 hours or more the first couple of months...neither of us ever slept.
We both know that we need all the facts because a move for me is not a small compromise (even though I CANNOT wait to get out of the shity city).
As I have mentioned, Crush was engaged before. His ex-fiance and he had trouble communicating and went to premarital counseling in a effort to save their relationship. They were given this list of questions to discuss and couldn't get through it without multiple fights, tears, and insults. If Awful and I were given the list.....OY! I would have had to throw something at him, I am sure of this. And since Awful was always very lawyerly and abstract with his answers....which frustrated me to the core....I would have had to throw something heavy at him......encyclopedias maybe.....
As my Crush's parents and mine and are preparing to meet in a few short weeks, we both thought this exercise was very appropriate to make sure we know all of our answers if we are put on the spot. Both of our sets of parents like to sometimes ask "innocent" questions that are really very direct...."what are your plans for work?" is really code for "how long do you plan to live in the city before you move to the small town and give me grandchildren?" We know this.
As for the questions, I advise you all....single, dating, engaged, or married, to do it. Answer your own questions. It really helped me get to know myself even better and offered an opportunity for self analysis. In my case, Crush and I are very different when it comes to past life experiences and personality (I am an extrovert for the most part and he is an introvert for the most part), but shockingly similar in most other areas: politics, religion, family, money, health, sex, etc.
HAPPY FRIDAY!
R & F
It was SUPER fun because I love talking, so answering 276 questions about myself....SCORE!
The truth is this....I already knew ALL of his answers. He knew most of mine. We really don't have any secrets. In our case, we have been forced to be super open because of the long distance. We talk at least 1 hour a day and in the beginning....5 hours or more the first couple of months...neither of us ever slept.
We both know that we need all the facts because a move for me is not a small compromise (even though I CANNOT wait to get out of the shity city).
As I have mentioned, Crush was engaged before. His ex-fiance and he had trouble communicating and went to premarital counseling in a effort to save their relationship. They were given this list of questions to discuss and couldn't get through it without multiple fights, tears, and insults. If Awful and I were given the list.....OY! I would have had to throw something at him, I am sure of this. And since Awful was always very lawyerly and abstract with his answers....which frustrated me to the core....I would have had to throw something heavy at him......encyclopedias maybe.....
As my Crush's parents and mine and are preparing to meet in a few short weeks, we both thought this exercise was very appropriate to make sure we know all of our answers if we are put on the spot. Both of our sets of parents like to sometimes ask "innocent" questions that are really very direct...."what are your plans for work?" is really code for "how long do you plan to live in the city before you move to the small town and give me grandchildren?" We know this.
As for the questions, I advise you all....single, dating, engaged, or married, to do it. Answer your own questions. It really helped me get to know myself even better and offered an opportunity for self analysis. In my case, Crush and I are very different when it comes to past life experiences and personality (I am an extrovert for the most part and he is an introvert for the most part), but shockingly similar in most other areas: politics, religion, family, money, health, sex, etc.
HAPPY FRIDAY!
R & F
Thursday, April 25, 2013
You Gotta Have Faith and Other Self Declarations of Pretty Okayness
Have faith in yourself. Religious preferences aside.
Like Kim Zolciak (I am sure other people said it first) crooned in the Real Housewives of Atlanta opening credits, "I asked, I believed, and now I received." So true.
I know this self righteous BS may sometimes get old. I know. I am sorry. I think at times in the past, I would have even annoyed myself. I get it. I can only say this: if there is even one person I am giving hope to, for whatever reason, then that is why I share and over-share and expose all of my secrets and flaws. I found my way out of darkness, it sucked, but I did, so if I did, anyone can. Trust me. And I am still totally messed up in many ways and have good and bad days. Now, I just own my reality.
Things that would have broken me last year or even a few months ago....I am letting it roll off my back. I am amazing myself, actually. I don't get stuck on things like I used to. I don't hold grudges. I allow myself to treat every situation separately. To process it and move on. This blog is helping a lot.
While chatting with Smartie Best Friend yesterday, I vented about another work situation trending in my life and she offered the best advice, "Just get through it. Just do the best you can. Wrap things up and move on. This is like the last semester of high school. You just have to get through it and then you never have to look back." Amen.
Clients are unhappy with me. Why? Because I want to make money, I want to establish some control over my hours, and mostly, because I don't live in fear of being fired. Once it happens, you know that it isn't so bad. Life goes on, so it has helped me reestablish my brand, my strengths, and my weaknesses. I have a backbone now. When some of the currently disgruntled clients hired me last year, I didn't....I was the biggest scaredy cat wimp (I wanted to say pussy, but I am practicing how to be a proper southern lady). I was a broken mess looking for approval, acceptance, and something to do. Seriously, my anxiety would often keep me up for DAYS so I worked and binge ate to occupy my time (sexy times!). All the clients I parted with....I felt doubt about initially, even before a contract was signed. I thought of working with difficult people with unrealistic expectations and bad manners as a challenge....WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? THERE WAS NOTHING IN IT FOR ME! Well, I wanted to be giving and kind. I wanted to spread my goodness and share my gifts. I needed to be heard. I wanted to fix these people.
And up until Crush, this is how I treated every facet of my life: work, friends, love........
SIDENOTE: All of a sudden I realized (best friends who met him have shed light on this, too)....that I am dating my dad. My dad is awesome, but he annoys me because he says stupid jokes, is clumsy, and isn't great at a party...... There is no better husband, father, grandfather, or friend out there, though. My dad is ONE OF A KIND. Generous, loyal, dependable, and honest. JUST LIKE CRUSH. Yes, Crush is slob, who once almost killed me while I was driving (the seat debacle) trying to help me. But, he has a heart of gold, just like my daddy! If Crush treats me half as well as my dad treated my mom, Sissy, and me.....well, shucks, I AM LUCKY! I have decided to be less critical of him and just enjoy his goodness which is pure and sweet like tupelo honey (so many song references in today's post....George Michael...Van Morrison).
Back to the life rant:
I didn't listen to my inner voice. My instincts...I went against myself and I lost out and in some ways, compromised my reputation in this city, perhaps......
From failure comes success. I know this.
I am learning.
For more than a decade of my life, I think I was insane. I was living an insane life. I was making the SAME mistakes OVER and OVER and not learning. I was using alcohol, drugs, and my own fear of reality to cloud my actions, to validate all of the shitty things I kept doing CONSTANTLY.
BROKEN.
I spun my wheels. I over-promised and under-delivered and I made myself fat, miserable, and sad with my own self loathing.
I feel like I need to declare that Crush is awesome, but even if I was single I would be okay. I know when I started this blog I wanted to be saved by a man (and much of this post is coming true....which kind of FREAKS ME OUT!). I was so conflicted. But, in a crazy way, I saved myself without even realizing it. I found my faith in myself and I let it guide me, perhaps right to Crush because I was ready. Life would suck without Crush. SUCK. It would break me, he is my other half...but......not forever. I am my own biggest fan. I may be fat, but I just want to love myself up right now because I know that I have a heart. My insides are good. I would give someone my last cent and the coat off my back. Can everyone say that?
My dad told me he couldn't wait for me to get to Phase 2. He determines relationships like this because he is such a geeky scientist (for real)..
Phase 1: Dating
Phase 2: Engagement
Phase 3: Marriage
Phase 4: Kids
I had to tell him.....let's just wait. I am enjoying where I am right now at this very moment. This is my swan song with myself and don't rush me into the next phase to cross it off your list. He is just excited because as he says, "I am back to the real me and he missed her."
Made me cry.
Like Kim Zolciak (I am sure other people said it first) crooned in the Real Housewives of Atlanta opening credits, "I asked, I believed, and now I received." So true.
I know this self righteous BS may sometimes get old. I know. I am sorry. I think at times in the past, I would have even annoyed myself. I get it. I can only say this: if there is even one person I am giving hope to, for whatever reason, then that is why I share and over-share and expose all of my secrets and flaws. I found my way out of darkness, it sucked, but I did, so if I did, anyone can. Trust me. And I am still totally messed up in many ways and have good and bad days. Now, I just own my reality.
Things that would have broken me last year or even a few months ago....I am letting it roll off my back. I am amazing myself, actually. I don't get stuck on things like I used to. I don't hold grudges. I allow myself to treat every situation separately. To process it and move on. This blog is helping a lot.
While chatting with Smartie Best Friend yesterday, I vented about another work situation trending in my life and she offered the best advice, "Just get through it. Just do the best you can. Wrap things up and move on. This is like the last semester of high school. You just have to get through it and then you never have to look back." Amen.
Clients are unhappy with me. Why? Because I want to make money, I want to establish some control over my hours, and mostly, because I don't live in fear of being fired. Once it happens, you know that it isn't so bad. Life goes on, so it has helped me reestablish my brand, my strengths, and my weaknesses. I have a backbone now. When some of the currently disgruntled clients hired me last year, I didn't....I was the biggest scaredy cat wimp (I wanted to say pussy, but I am practicing how to be a proper southern lady). I was a broken mess looking for approval, acceptance, and something to do. Seriously, my anxiety would often keep me up for DAYS so I worked and binge ate to occupy my time (sexy times!). All the clients I parted with....I felt doubt about initially, even before a contract was signed. I thought of working with difficult people with unrealistic expectations and bad manners as a challenge....WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? THERE WAS NOTHING IN IT FOR ME! Well, I wanted to be giving and kind. I wanted to spread my goodness and share my gifts. I needed to be heard. I wanted to fix these people.
And up until Crush, this is how I treated every facet of my life: work, friends, love........
SIDENOTE: All of a sudden I realized (best friends who met him have shed light on this, too)....that I am dating my dad. My dad is awesome, but he annoys me because he says stupid jokes, is clumsy, and isn't great at a party...... There is no better husband, father, grandfather, or friend out there, though. My dad is ONE OF A KIND. Generous, loyal, dependable, and honest. JUST LIKE CRUSH. Yes, Crush is slob, who once almost killed me while I was driving (the seat debacle) trying to help me. But, he has a heart of gold, just like my daddy! If Crush treats me half as well as my dad treated my mom, Sissy, and me.....well, shucks, I AM LUCKY! I have decided to be less critical of him and just enjoy his goodness which is pure and sweet like tupelo honey (so many song references in today's post....George Michael...Van Morrison).
Back to the life rant:
I didn't listen to my inner voice. My instincts...I went against myself and I lost out and in some ways, compromised my reputation in this city, perhaps......
From failure comes success. I know this.
I am learning.
For more than a decade of my life, I think I was insane. I was living an insane life. I was making the SAME mistakes OVER and OVER and not learning. I was using alcohol, drugs, and my own fear of reality to cloud my actions, to validate all of the shitty things I kept doing CONSTANTLY.
BROKEN.
I spun my wheels. I over-promised and under-delivered and I made myself fat, miserable, and sad with my own self loathing.
I feel like I need to declare that Crush is awesome, but even if I was single I would be okay. I know when I started this blog I wanted to be saved by a man (and much of this post is coming true....which kind of FREAKS ME OUT!). I was so conflicted. But, in a crazy way, I saved myself without even realizing it. I found my faith in myself and I let it guide me, perhaps right to Crush because I was ready. Life would suck without Crush. SUCK. It would break me, he is my other half...but......not forever. I am my own biggest fan. I may be fat, but I just want to love myself up right now because I know that I have a heart. My insides are good. I would give someone my last cent and the coat off my back. Can everyone say that?
My dad told me he couldn't wait for me to get to Phase 2. He determines relationships like this because he is such a geeky scientist (for real)..
Phase 1: Dating
Phase 2: Engagement
Phase 3: Marriage
Phase 4: Kids
I had to tell him.....let's just wait. I am enjoying where I am right now at this very moment. This is my swan song with myself and don't rush me into the next phase to cross it off your list. He is just excited because as he says, "I am back to the real me and he missed her."
Made me cry.
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