Really all I need in this world are food and love.
Food and love have always gone hand in hand for me. From the cookies and ice cream my parents and grandparents loved me up with to show me that they adored me to the candlelit romantic dinners Crush and I still share all too often.
Crush is the first man I have dated who has a normal relationship with food. In the past, I dated binge eaters, manorexics, and even a man who couldn't keep a single morsel of food in his place for fear of sleep eating. All of their eating issues triggered mine terribly, so Crush's non-issues are just a bit more icing on my love cake, not having to worry about food so much makes me feel fantastic and safe.
Normal is a slippery slope word, but I find Crush's habits to fall under the realm of healthy. He eats when he is hungry and passes when he isn't. He has a pretty scheduled routine with food (3 meals a day and 2 snacks) and enjoys some splurges and treats in moderation, but he is fine passing on indulgences, too. I love having him around because he is a super good influence on me. When I am with Crush, I find myself making healthier choices, being more in the moment and less in the pantry, and enjoying the act of sharing a healthy freshly prepared meal.
Since I have moved, I decided to take the power out of the number. Meaning the scale. But, since I am using a calorie tracker and want to get to a healthy weight for me (22 more pounds to go), I do get on the scale from time to time, when I feel like I should (as in a few days ago when my super tight pants felt much looser). I have lost 7 pounds since I moved to Charleston! I think it is a combination of Spinning classes, sleeping well, tracking (science is a bitch, but it works), and my major reduction in stress. When I am stressed, no matter what I do, I cannot lose weight, so less stress and a good sleep routine, are really my most important factors when I am trying to reduce.
The truth is that I am still a person with a food addiction. I am not instantly healed because of my new location. I actually binged yesterday. My first real free for all in Charleston. It wasn't super major compared to the damage I have done in the past, but it wasn't pretty either.
It involved Cheetos, popsicles, an individual cup of ice cream, and an individual pizza. But, I can tell you why I did it which I am proud of. I wasn't feeling well and I slept terribly (Crush was snoring all night and I was feverish). I woke up needing carbs and I ate a NYC bagel (that was in my freezer waiting for me) slattered with butter. From previous experience and pitfalls, carbs in the AM coupled with no sleep can be a recipe to binge for me and sure enough I did. That bagel really shouldn't have been around anyway, but I do try to test myself (as my therapist suggests, to take the power and fear out of food) every once in away and I am proud to say that I have been strong against Wheat Thins and pasta in the house. I find it refreshing to know why I do the things I do when it comes to eating. This has been the most valuable thing I have learned in therapy. That my actions have reactions and not everything is as random as I wish it was because if it was then I wouldn't have the problem I do with food.
I am continuing to track calories and take things one day at a time. Slip ups happen, but it is the overall journey that produces results. The easy fix never works for me anyway. At least Crush's influence is a good one. I hate dated and lived with men who encouraged my bad habits and it is nice to know that I have one less excuse to test my willpower!
The truth is you will always have a food addiction. I will always have a food addiction too. My grandparents were the same, especially my grandfather. Always bringing me cookies and ice cream, and of course, what fat childhood isn't complete without many trips to McDonalds?
ReplyDeleteThis is you being accountable, and I don't think having a bagel in the morning is a bag thing. However, bagel sizes nowadays are fit for 2 servings, so that really sucks. Carbs in the morning are perfectly fine, your body needs energy, carbs are quick energy sources. I prefer to mix in some protein because it takes longer to digest, therefore I feel fuller longer. If you want a bagel, have half with some cottage cheese or egg whites.
Tracking and planning go hand in hand. So, plan your delicious bagel breakfast with a spinach and kale salad for lunch. Or something like that. I'm good at planning, but I suck at tracking.
I totally envy people that have a good relationship with food. That will never be me, even if I can control my eating habits, in my mind I know I will be planning my next meal, or looking forward to a cookie later in the day.
Food... I wish I knew how to quit you!
I agree that protein is super important! I like, but don't love it, so I do have to force myself sometimes. In my dream world, I could eat carbs ALL day everyday without consequence. I also envy those with good relationships with food! I am ALWAYS planning my next meal. It is a habit I just cannot seem to break.
DeleteI envy people who ONLY eat when they are hungry and pass when they aren't - I don't understand it! :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know if food addictions ever really "go away", just like any other addiction. But you know what your triggers are, and it's just a matter of dealing with them in a more productive way. It sounds like you're doing just that with a few slip ups now and then - happens to everyone.