My Loyal Companion

I haven't been up to much around here, but I recently realized that I have something that has held me back all of my life.  I am a highly sensitive person.  I am textbook.  Just knowing this has made these past few weeks very emotional because now I know why I do the things I do.  I plan on posting about this soon.

I believe in always working towards being the best person I can be and my way of accomplishing this is through personal discovery and self reflection.  I want to know why I feel "different" and as an "outsider" all too often, even through if you met me you would NEVER know it until you really got to know me.  Only a few people really know me and as I am getting older, I realize more than ever that I am still a fan of quality over quantity.  A real friend is worth the friendships of 1,000 friends who you can't really open up to.  I come across as self assured, confidant and easy-breezy, BUT, I am the farthest thing from this much of the time.  Now, I know,  I am highly sensitive and I just can't handle many things that other people don't even think more than a few seconds about.  Facebook is a prime example for me.

Lately, I have been getting sick (sore throat, slight fever, exhausted) about once a month.  It tends to come around the time of my period and I am getting really tired (literally) of being down a few days a month.  It knocks me out of my good eating and workout routine and makes me feel a bit worthless.  I would rather never be sick because it depresses me.  I think I may be getting it from my workout studios (spinning and barre) and now I am going to make a conscious effort to wash my hands before and after class and bring my own towels (both places provide them, but I think maybe I am highly sensitive to germs, too?!?!?).

Last night, in the midst of trying to fight the sore throat that has been creeping up on me for the last 24 hours, I fell asleep on my couch.  In front of the TV.  Fully clothed.  The irony is that I was JUST chatting with a girlfriend about how we do this.  And for years, this was my standard sleeping pattern.  My eating AND sleeping, yup, both disordered.

When I came to at about 4:00 am, I noticed that the TV was off and that I had a fluffy pillow under my head and that I was all covered by a few of my throw blankets.  Then, I looked down and saw that Crush was sleeping right next to me on the floor.  Like a dog.  I woke him up and said, "let's go to bed like people" and we did.

This morning, as I opened eyes, my first thought was how fortunate I am to have a man who loves me as much as Crush does.  He will literally sleep at my feet.  I asked him why he would sleep on the floor and not get in the bed and he told me, "I didn't want you to wake up and be startled and alone because I know you are sick and feeling down lately."  He loves me.  Really loves me.  Truly loves me.  I feel the same way.  I have been given my best gift ever with this relationship, the ability to love and trust again.  No one has ever treated me so kindly and sweetly before.  I can remember waking up alone at 4:30 am to an empty house some nights when Awful would be out drinking with his friends on his sailboat and that emptiness, well, I would never want to ever go back there.  The stillness in the middle of the night used to fill me with rage, distrust and above all, want.  I wanted someone to want to be with me, especially at 4:30 in the morning.

Love is many things.  And, not every day is a walk in the park.  I miss many things about my single life, especially because I NEED my downtime (a part of being highly sensitive is needing to spend a lot of time alone to recharge) and Crush likes to be right next to me all of the time.  But, I appreciate that there is someone who treats me like I am precious.   There is nothing better than feeling appreciated.

Been Too Long, Some Updates

I am alive.  I am very sick with the flu this week (it started with a stomach thing and now I can't swallow and my face hurts and I have a fever) and I want to go outside because it is sunny and I can't move.  I miss blogging.  There is no excuse for my absence.  I am getting busy with my new life here and all that, but there is always time to write, just like how there is always time to do something (doesn't have to be the gym) active.  Here are some updates and SORRY FOR ANY TYPOS, I am on medicine and kinda out of it today.

• CRUSH UPDATE: Crush traveled with me to NYC a few weeks ago for a family event and met a lot of my Dad's side of the family.  They loved him and it felt great to introduce him to many of the "characters" (crazy people) I am related to and observe his reactions.  I smile just thinking about it.  Priceless.  He is now "in" on some of the jokes I have with my sister about my Dad's cousins and I am enjoying our still on-going group texts about the conversations he was cornered into with people who are beyond entertaining and don't even know it. 

• WEDDING UPDATE: Our save-the-dates just went into the mail.  OY.  Getting all of the addresses together was not fun.  It never is.  Our list is epically out of control and my parents (my dad specifically) doesn't want to fight with Crush's parents about the guest list.  My dad is paying for the ENTIRE wedding, well everything other than the rehearsal dinner, and he is being insanely generous.  He had money set aside for my wedding (I am lucky that my parents did truly believe that I would one day get married, even if I didn't ever believe it myself!).  The guilt about how much money he is spending has kept me up a few nights because honestly, I would be happy with a lot less, but the wedding seems very important to Crush's side and their generosity with me has been so unreal that my dad just wants to keep the peace which I agree is a smart thing to do.  Crush's folks pretty much gave Crush and me our new house (Crush technically inherited it and it EVEN comes fully furnished….it needs some work, but still….I am beyond appreciative to have been given a HOME).  You have no idea how many families I have seen become broken (like the 2 sides end up HATING each other) over petty things during the engagement process.  My dad wants to avoid fighting at all costs.  So, currently 350 people are on the guest list.  AND, I have been the one who has cut her list by leaps and bounds and not everyone I want will get a save-the-date.  Also, if I haven't spoken to someone in over 2 years,  I cut them off the list and I am feeling a bit guilty about it, but I also feel weird  inviting people that I don't talk to anymore.  As far as I can control my invites, I really only want the people I love and adore to be at the wedding.  When push comes to shove, having too many people to ask is a good problem to have.  It makes you realize how lucky we (Crush and my families) are. 

• DIET & EXERCISE UPDATE: I started barre (I do a local brand here called Barre Evolution) which is in the same family as Bar Method and Pure Barre and only 8 classes in, I can already see a difference in my body, specifically my arms and thighs.  LOVE IT even though much of the class I flounder on the carpet and trip over my toes at the bar.  It is indeed tough, but that's how you get results. I am down 20 pounds since I moved to Charleston and working out and counting calories is my mission each and every day.  I try to either go to spinning or barre classes as much as my schedule allows because it is crunch time and I am getting married in 8 months!  My binge eating is still an issue, it will always be a daily struggle, but I am conscious of it.  I have my engagement party dress and it is a smidgen too small, but I know that in 2 months (my engagement party is 2 months away….eeeekkkkkk) if I keep doing what I am doing, that it will look great! 

• LIFE & FRIENDS UPDATE: I now have a part-time job and I have a few friends here.  More to come on both of that in another post. 

• ANXIETY & DEPRESSION UPDATE: I realize that my social anxiety is holding me back.  I have this odd issue where I think everyone hates me (for no reason) and my self-deprecating thoughts are not healthy.  I am trying a few new strategies to move past this personal insanity and I am thinking that getting back on Facebook may be a good first step.  I have nothing to hide and I realize that I am limiting my potential to meet new people by being so private.  I wish I lived 100 years ago before computers a lot of the time because I think I would have enjoyed it better.  It's 2014 and I have to embrace socialization and sadly, most of the people I "know" choose to spend the majority of their time socializing online.  If you can't beat them, join them?  

Have a great weekend!

XO,

R&F

Respect the Beach

The beach has always been my happy place.  My earliest memories of childhood were spent at the Jersey Shore (before Snooki and the gang swooped in) building sandcastles, splashing in the waves and eating soft serve vanilla ice cream cones.

As the years passed, the beach has always been a constant for me.  A day spent in the sand and sea has extremely healing powers for both my mind and body (sun and saltwater are great for my psoriasis, too, so BONUS!).

I see the beach as holy.  It is full of miracles, big and small.  A place where water, land and sky meet.  It is mysterious and huge, but it still feels safe to me.  The beach is the place where I make wishes and feel most connected to life beyond this world.

One of my favorite things to do in a time of despair is to send a letter out to sea (to the universe) asking  for love, forgiveness and clarity.  I did this when I was desperately seeking love and Crush came to me only two months later.  Recently, I write letters and send them to sea when old issues (my weight, Awful, nasty clients) sneak up to bother me from time to time.  I have discovered that if I identify the issue, go to the beach and wish on it, the problems just melt away.  I can actually feel the stress and worry leaving my body (as weird as it sounds).  Mind over matter.

I highly recommend heading to the beach in a time of need.

Lately, I have been heading to the beach often.  It is chilly here, but nothing like Chicago, so I slap on a few layers and take a walk in the afternoon sun.

Sometimes, Crush even joins me, too!

I am to the left, my shadow curves give me away!

I love the walk from the car to the beach.  The anticipation gets me super excited.  It's been the same since I was little, I remember getting in big trouble for running right to the beach without waiting for my family.  For real, how scary must it be to have an almost lost five year at the beach....

SORRY MOM & DAD!

Carolina coast! Wheeeee.....I am at the beach!!!!!!!!

A little gem we found:

A perfect starfish!  He actually found it, so less we and more he in terms of the discovery.

Charleston has many beaches and I like them all for different reasons.  Folly Beach (where these photos are from) can be very loud and hopping in the summer which isn't always my scene as I become grumpier older.  But, it is perfect for long winter walks because there is a lot of beach!

I made the mistake of heading up there to see the fish they catch right off the pier (my dad made me go see) and let's just say that they are NOT cute little fish like Nemo.  I am fine swimming with marine life all around me, but if nothing ever brushed my legs, I would be VERY okay with that, too! 

What I Read Twice A Day

Two years ago, in the height of my depression, my mom and I would often Marshall & Max (wander Marshalls and T.J. Maxx) to buy things we didn't need.  My mom finds the best stuff during these hunts.  She is a designer label bloodhound.

On one of our regular Fridays night runs, I wandered into the home goods section, tears streaming down my bloated cheeks, crying that I no longer had an apartment or home (Awful did own a pretty cute single family home in Lincoln Park) to decorate.  My life had all of a sudden boiled down to 20/20 and bargain hunting on Fridays with my mom (whom I LOVE to INFINITY AND BEYOND TIMES A TRILLION MILLION, but nonetheless, it wasn't all ideal) instead of seeing friends, attending parties and chowing down at restaurant openings. As I strolled by the wroght iron mirrors, mismatched candle stick holders and half eaten gourmet treats (WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS PARTIALLY MUNCH AT MARSHALLS AND TJ MAXX?!?!?), my peepers landed on this:

This is your life.  Find a passion and pursue it.  Fall in love.  Dream big.  Drink wine, eat great food and spend quality time with good friends.  Laugh everyday.  Believe in magic.  Tell stories.  Reminisce about the good old days, but look with optimism to the future.  Travel often.  Learn more.  Be creative.  Spend time with people you admire.  Seize opportunities when they reveal themselves.  Love with all of your heart.  Never give up.  Do what you love.  Be true to who you are.  Make time to enjoy simple things in life..  Spend time with family.  Forgive even when it's hard.  Smile often.  Be grateful.  Be the change you wish to see in the world.  Follow your dreams.  Try new things.  Work hard.  Don't count the minutes could the laughs.  Embrace change,  Trust in yourself.  Be thankful.  Be nice to everyone.  Be happy.  Live for today.  And about all.....make every moment count. 

My heart skipped a beat.  It was a sign.  A sign, sign.  This was everything I needed to tell myself.  So many of my favorite mantras all rolled into one.  I had to have it.   I found my mom across the store and showed it to her.  She read it aloud and her eyes filled with tears.   Mom told me, "Read this everyday.  Follow the advice and I know good things will come in due time." 

I brought it home and set it on my childhood dresser, so I could read it everyday.  It reminded me to work on my weaknesses and cultivate my strengths.   

When I moved to Charleston, I hung it in my bathroom.  It's the place I spend way too much time in and head to right when I wake up and right before I go to bed.  Now, every morning and night, I read my magic sign and find peace.  I strongly recommend finding a sign like this or a quote you love and displaying it in your personal space.  It will remind you of the person you truly are every time you pass by.  Take the time to read it and watch the positivity come your way. 

Being Good to the Girls....Best Sports Bra EVER!

My boobs have given me a lot of joy over the years.  I was lucky for quite some time.  I had full perky B melons that didn't even require a bra.  They had a life of their own, my darling twins.  I looked great in a strappy tank sans support.  Sometimes they would even pop out of the tops of my shirts, they were just so bouncy.

Don't be a hater cause those days are over.

Last week, I was changing to go to the gym and I caught a glance of my breasts in the mirror.  They were no longer standing straight up and staring right at me....they were beginning to point down.  Sag.  Whaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

I am 32.  I can handle this.  I had great bazookas for 14 years (I got my chest friends rather late).  I enjoyed them. My lady lumps still look cute in a bra.  Since I have gained weight, I have bigger girls.  I am actually a full C now and I do enjoy the way my cups runneth over.  I can now create cleavage in lingerie.  As I have mentioned before, my hooters are pretty far apart, so the extra padding gives me extra teats to work with.  No one knows that it may just be extra fat when it's poured into a sexy bit of lace.

I workout a lot.  Lately, in exercise class, specifically spinning, I started to feel my assets bouncing around in an out of control manner.  Not in a sexy way like they used to.  I am no longer sporting the Baywatch slow run when I am working it.

I started on a quest to find the perfect sports bra.  It'a not like I have a job taking me away from these important tasks.  And I found this (first photo of me....well, of my sweater pets, coming to you!!!!):

It's awesome!  I went everywhere and where did I find this little gem....only the classiest of places, Neimans, Walmart.  Danskin Now.  It has an underwire and makes me look very perky and full in all of my workout tops.  Best $11.00 I have spent in quite some time (way better than those medium pizzas I was ordering door side).  If you want in, here you go.  Your jugs will thank you!

PS: I tried to use all of the synonyms for breasts that I could think of....

Beauty Is In the Eye of the Beholder

I have a beautiful friend.  She is stunning actually.  Inside and out.  She has gorgeous hair and porcelain skin.  A beautiful smile.  Sparkling eyes and a rocking bod.  Last week while we were catching up, she mentioned that she has an insecurity about her beauty.  I get this more than anyone, I have complexes about my body for days.  Years, really.  

My dear friend was told by a man that he wasn't feeling attracted to her.  Now, this is on him, not her.  My friend puts the "s" is sexy.  But, I get the damage that one comment can do.  Something that hits below the belt and cuts the very soul of your insecurities.  Deeply.  I have been there.  I can be complimented a million times and I won't remember a single nice thing.  But, tell me something negative and I will never forget it.  It will haunt me for years sometimes.  I will roll around my bed sleepless repeating the bad.  I will wake up exhausted and resentful that a single comment has the ability to make me feel so empty that it affects the quality of my life.

Up until Crush, every one of my boyfriends has said horrible things to me about my body.  Asked me directly about my scars and stretch marks.  Made me feel bad about having a soft belly and long vagina lips.  And I let these comments swallow me up whole.  I thought, "Omg, R&F, your body is bad.  It is too ugly to satisfy men.  You are lucky that anyone can look at you naked.  You are a disaster."

And in my heart and soul.  I kinda really knew that my body was not a problem.  In moments of clarity, I reasoned it was that I was broken inside and I was attracting broken men.  I am healthy for the most part.  Yes, I have some psoriasis and I can be depressed from time to time, but my body can do so many things.  I knew that I had to love myself more to bring love to my body.  I am still struggling with this, but I am trying.  I make an effort each and every day to treat my body kindly.

I met Crush.  A man that cannot get enough of me.  A man that will get aroused by simply smelling the shampoo on my hair.  He told me that he is scared that he may get a boner when I walk down the aisle on our wedding day.  I have never had a man attracted to me the way he is.  I am also super attracted to him.  I lacked carnal attraction in every relationship that I have had up to this point.  I am glad I am finally getting to experience it.

I remember going to therapy a few years ago and sharing that I was really angry that I allowed Awful to tell me that he wanted me, "skinny and hot!", that my stomach looked ripply and roly like "the stormy sea" and that he "wasn't as attracted to me anymore" because I had put on weight.  What made me irate was that I found him to be super unattractive and I felt like I was being so open minded and kind by dating him and he couldn't even appreciate my beauty.  My therapist asked me who I would want to look like if I could look like anyone.  "Giselle."  She looked me dead in the eye and said, "there are people in this world who tell Gisele that she is too ugly and too fat.  You cannot be adored by everyone."  Or shall I say, haters gonna hate.

Since I have moved to Charleston, I have been trying to get back in touch with my soul.  I want to love myself freely.  Not because I fit into my old jeans or dresses, but because I am a wonderful, kind and good person.  I try to look in the mirror at least once a day and tell myself that I am beautiful.  The more you tell yourself, the more you will believe.  Beauty comes from the inside.  The people I find most stunning are content with themselves and are at peace in their lives.  I aspire to be this gorgeous one day. 

I know that soon, my friend will find what she is looking for.  She is doing the work to bring whole love to her.  She will never have to worry about feeling beautiful because someone will make her feel like the most gorgeous gal in the world just the way she is.  

It isn't you, darling. It's them.  

Dress Inspiration

Okay, before I get all wedding on you, I will explain that this is NOT going to turn into a wedding blog.  I do not plan on posting photos of all of the details I like/want for my wedding.  I actually don't care that much about all that anyway.  So, I won't be showing you chevron detailed paper straws in my wedding colors and envision how cute they will look in my signature drink also in my wedding colors.  I am not even having a signature drink.  I still need to figure out my wedding colors.

BUT.......A few months ago, before I even got engaged, I started looking at wedding dresses online.  I know, I know.  I was that girl.  I just couldn't help it.

You see, I have seen a lot of wedding dresses in my day.  I have sold them.  I have dressed (and undressed!) brides on their big days.  I even tried a few on years ago when the bridal shop I worked for asked me to (they wanted to figure out what dresses look best on specific body types....I was the curvy example).

I started to become a bit obsessed with finding the right dress for me because I am still struggling with the mixed feelings I have about my body.  I know it is just a number on the scale and I know that I have made huge strides in confronting my food addiction.  I just feel like I let myself go body-wise when I became very depressed.  It is something I think about all too often.  Before I dated Awful, my body was on point and it was something I had worked very hard for.  I just don't want to keep doing all the work if it isn't going to stick.  That's why I am getting to the root of my issues.  Yo-yo weight loss/gain is exhausting.

I love strapless wedding gowns.  They look good on most everyone, but me.  My shoulders are very broad and my boobs are a bit far apart.  Essentially, a strapless dress makes me look like a linebacker.  I have happily worn them when I have been asked (like as a bridesmaid), but if I had my choice about what looks best on me, it would be something v-neck that opens up my chest area.

The other issue I personally have with strapless is the bra issue. As I mentioned above, my boobs live in the same development, but they aren't exactly neighbors.  A strapless bra gives me no cleavage, so when I wear them, all I am left with is a deflated chest and a pile of back fat....strapless bras give me the worst back fat!!!!

Okay, there is one more thing.  Strapless dresses never seem to stay in place.  I have planned countless weddings where the bride had to yank up her gown constantly and the only thing I could do to help involved a few stitches and some double sided tape.  Nothing makes me more self-conscious than when I feel like I have to tug at my clothes.  It is one of the reasons why I often avoid things that tie around my waist.  I love the look, but it makes me constantly fidget....I am always seeking just the right place on my waist.  And no, I will not be wearing a bridal belt on my big day, even though I know they are in right now and are quite adorable.

So, what I wanted was specific.  I decided I wanted some sleeves (to cover up my psoriasis in case I have an outbreak and help me avoid any dress pulling up) and that I liked the look of lace when it came to a more full coverage style dress.  Lace is a bit delicate and also offers a very close fit.   The issue is that since I am a real women with real curves and lumps and bumps...I needed lace with structure.  That is hard to find!  So much of the lace with sleeves styles that I found were either super matronly, very sheer and nightie-like, or very boho which works great for beachy and outdoor weddings, but not at all for me....SIDENOTE: I would love to be a chill gal who crunches organic granola all day because I often have girl crushes on chickies like this, but I am a control freak and thus I will never be a boho bride.

I searched and searched and searched for example photos of what I wanted and I couldn't find anything....then I came across this:

It was everything I wanted and more.....OMG, this is also my first photo ever on this blog!!!  Exciting! This stunning bride customized her dress and added those sleeves on and it gave me a great idea.  I could easily add the sleeves if I couldn't find the exact dress I wanted.  It was more important to choose a flattering neckline and shape than worry about something specifically with sleeves.  Duh.

I am happy to report that even though my dress isn't exactly like this (mine has a bit less skirt)....it is pretty close.  It could be cousins.  I am VERY excited about it!  Sometimes I hate on technology, but inspiration photos aren't always a bad idea.  I mean, without this photo, I would have never found the lacey number that I can't wait to wear.

And this concludes the wedding jazz for a while.   I have lots of other things to worry about....like finding a job.