Out to Lunch

I was just between appointments and stopped for lunch.  I was in an area that has a lot of restaurants and I saw a sushi joint that looked yummy and I popped in.  Typically, I opt for solo lunches at Panera- type places as many people are alone working and I feel better being alone in a place where other people are alone.  But, this place was actually a bit swanky with a really great lunch special and since my skin is looking too good to eat wheat....I thought, why not treat myself for a quick nice sushi lunch?

After I got seated by the hostess, I looked around and realized that I was the only solo patron.  This would be a good little challenge for me.  I also didn't want to eat at the bar or stuff my head into a book or my laptop (especially because since after my unfortunate laptop spill.....if I am eating or drinking without a lid, laptop needs to stay hidden).  So, I actually just sat in the restaurant and waited for my food and looked around and daydreamed and imagined what I would be doing in one year and I smiled.

I may have been knocked down a bit these last few months by clients, but I haven't stood my ground either.

I need to set better parameters, I need to accept realistic challenges, but not impossible ones, I need to take some time out EVERY day for me.

My life is good.  I have a great family, fantastic friends, and the ability to eat $15.00 sushi for lunch in peace.

Then I thought to myself.....why only day dream about next year?  Why not day dream about tomorrow or next month or the summer?  I am going to stop living for tomorrow and really focus in on today.

One year ago,  I would have never had the confidence to take myself to lunch at a nice restaurant.

And today, well, it wasn't a big deal at all.

This Town Will Never be Big Enough for the Two of Us

I have been having a reoccurring dream these days.  A nightmare, really.

It is about my wedding.

It is one of those dreams that you know is a dream, but you cannot wake up.

Oy.

I am all dressed up as a bride wearing exactly the kind of dress I want.  My hair is perfect, I am at a lovely weight, my lipstick is that perfect shade of pink I am always buying at Sephora that looks terrible on me in real life, but absolutely perfect on me in this dream.

Everyone is there.  My family, my best friends, Crush, his family....

The ceremony begins and I walk down the aisle and AWFUL is standing there as my groom in all of his toadstool glory.  I panic.  I start hyperventilating.  I try to turn around and run, but he holds me tightly by the arm, and tells me not to embarrass him through his closed brown baby teeth (he had teeny tiny teeth).  He tells me that everyone thinks I am crazy.  He tells me that everyone hates me.  He tells me that I am nothing without him.  He tells me that I am fat.  He tells me all of the things that he said to upset me when we were together in real life.

I cannot wake up.  I try, I scream "WAKE UP!" in my dream.   And I marry him hysterically crying while he holds my arm so tightly that it cramps in real life (like when I wake up, my left arm is half asleep).  Mascara running down my cheeks while everyone just disappears, but Crush.  Crush is pounding on the windows outside, trying desperately to get in, all dressed up in a tux and tails.  The other weird detail....When we start our vows, we are no longer at a hotel, but in a church......but I am Jewish.  Awful was the one who promised to convert and didn't want to, but wasn't man enough to come clean and strung me along.  Yet in the dream, I am marrying him in the most gorgeous church.

I wake up crying every time.  Three times I have had this dream.  The last time being 2 nights ago, in bed with Crush. I woke up sobbing and screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and woke Crush up in the process.  I told him all about the dream and he simply said....."I believe Awful knows we are in love, even if he doesn't have it confirmed, he can feel it and you can feel it and your mind is processing how serious we are.  I would break down the church window to marry you and punch Awful in the face, so if you have this dream again, maybe the ending will be different now that I said that."  He is smart, my Crush.

As soon as I dumped Awful, I ran home, to live with my parents.  It wasn't only because of needing comfort or financial support, it was because I needed some distance between Awful and his manipulations.  I knew he was badmouthing me, trying to steal my friends.....going out and getting drunk and sharing embarrassing and personal stories about me.  People hate me because of him.  They cross streets when they see me, they ignore me in coffee shops, they don't return my emails....Yet, these people were only acquaintances and even if it stings for one moment, they can have Awful.  I would spend my life friendless if I had the choice between having to be friends with Awful to have other friends or to spend my life completely alone.  That is how much I dislike him.  But, yet, I see why people are drawn to him as a friend.  Because he is so insecure and such an approval seeker, he is a great person to use.  He will pay for everything and go so overboard.  Hell, he seduced me initially this way, too.

I know he is speaking unkindly about me because he did this about his ex-wife.  Made her into a monster.  Called her "the bitch ex-wife." Poor girl also ran home to her parents years ago after divorcing Awful and from what I heard, she is still there, home, cocooned, maybe she didn't want to ever see him again either.  She also dumped him.  I would love to know her take on their marriage, but of course, it is none of my business.

This city isn't big enough for the two of us, Awful and me.  I know I am leaving and yet I still have anxiety about seeing him.  Why?  Hmmmmm, this is a bit complicated.  It is not because of who he is, BUT, because of who I was when I was with him.  When I dream about him, it makes me sick because I know that his hateful comments soaked into my subconscious.  He penetrated all of me with his toxicity.

I was planning to move to Boston before meeting Awful and somewhere south after I dumped him and way before I met Crush. The south has always intrigued me, mostly because you can't do hospitality better than the south does. So, my tie to this city was never that deep, but moving away has many positives, one major one being that Awful still lives here and I don't imagine he will go away anytime soon, especially since he has a pretty easy job that I helped get for him through my connections and own job at the time.

Awful told me that I would never find the man I wanted and I DID.  I remember him telling me that what I wanted didn't exist.  He said specifically, "you will never find a smart, nice, Jewish man who will treat you the way you want.  It doesn't exist.  But, if it did, you wouldn't be the one he would chose.  Trust me, I am a guy and I know that for a fact."  Joke is on you, Awful.

Yet, I don't feel the need to sock it to him.  I don't feel like I will rejoin Facebook the minute I get engaged.  To post wedding photos, to show him how in love I am, how handsome Crush is, how Crush is exactly the kind of man he wished he could be.  I know that deep inside seeing me with the kind of guy he told me would never want me would hurt him.  At the end of the day, I don't want to hurt anyone.

I don't need to prove that I won.

Because I already did.

And I think inside, he knows it, too.

Playing House

Crush drove almost 800 miles to meet Little Baby, Big Baby, Sissy, Better-Bro-In-Law (who was bad before and is so much better now), and my folks who were also visiting.  He also met my aunt and uncle who just happened to be in town, and then some of sissy’s new friends, who are all lovely.

It was the BEST 4 days ever.

I shared with you a few weeks ago that I got a little mean and craycray with Crush because of stupid silly things.  I took a lot of my work stress out on him, I made mean accusations, and I hurt his feelings.  The only silver lining….I saw my nasty behavior and accepted responsibility for it almost immediately and Crush accepted my apologies and we talked out our little issues and agreed that we BOTH (yes, even the most perfect me…….) have things to work on independently and as a couple and we are actually doing that and it feels super good.

One of my greatest joys has been having the opportunity to bond with Big Baby and be there when Little Baby was born.  It puts life and all of it’s madness and sadness and unpredictability into perspective.  Babies are simply miracles.  Life is truly magical. 

Crush doesn’t have much experience with little ones.  But, he loves kids.  Big Baby felt his kindness and sincerity almost immediately (children are like dogs, they sense safety and love) and Crush played beautifully for hours with the two of us.  He sang songs, went down slides, pushed swings, read bedtime stories, and fed snacks.  His only downfall……his baby voice sounds terrifyingly just like Adam Sandler’s when he was Opera Man on SNL…..but, that is a flaw I can see past.

Crush and I were able to take Big Baby out of the house for hours at a time to relieve Sissy and let her get some sleep between nursing Little Baby.  Sissy may not be a great athlete, but she can sure push out a baby (less than 15 minutes for both babies once she got to pushing) and nurse…..we all have our talents. 

On our excursions with Big Baby, we had a blast.  We ate lunch together at restaurants, we changed diapers, we played at a kids activity center for hours, we got ice cream, we colored, we danced…..Crush and I looked at each other and we said “we could do this, we make a good team.”  And it is so true.

Crush will make the best dad, he passed this test with flying colors. His tenderness and heart melt me. 

My favorite moment of the entire week trip came yesterday after playing on a slide for 1 hour straight with Big Baby and then having some milk and animal crackers (they did, not me).  Big Baby looked at us and said in the sweetest baby voice, “Auwntie and Uncle Crush are nice.  Big Baby have fun.  Love you.”  Big Baby then kissed us both on the lips and let out a big sigh.  I felt that feeling my Sissy and my best friends must feel with their own babies, that feeling of being so filled with love that you could just explode from it.  I got a few tears in my eyes.  We both replied, “we love you, too” and then the three of us walked hand in hand to the car.

These are the kind of moments you don't forget.  The ones Uncle Crush and I will hopefully tell Big Baby in a few years when she is old enough to come see us down south for a visit alone.  We will tell her what she was like when she was a baby.  How silly and cute she was. She will love staying with her fun aunt and uncle for a few weeks over the summer alone, being independent, but also babied....a vacation from being a big sister, she can be the single star.   We will take her swimming in the ocean, dancing at the boardwalk, we will eat waffle cones full of frozen custard while we take afternoon strolls, play mini golf after a fried chicken supper, and then catch fireflies before bed.  I can't wait. 

FIRED

I was fired from a job.  Well, we fired each other in all honesty.  Some of you did guess correctly on my occupation.  GOOD JOB!  For real, come September, I do look forward to letting you all in a bit more and sharing some specific details….it is juicy and I know you will you a kick out of it!

So, lately, my heart isn’t in my line of work at all.  I wanted to be what I am because I desired to help people, to create memories, to be an expert, to educate, to guide, to emotionally connect, to change someone’s life for the better.  I feel like my industry and the expectations in my city arent’t allowing for this…..I am exhausted by dealing with stupids and emotional imbalance on the daily….oy.

People are crazy.  Hell, I am crazy.  But, I own it.  I also don’t disrespect, curse out, or feel entitled to so much for so little……I don’t hire a professional to undercut fees, to contest things that only nature and god can control, to show form lists from the Internet that have no bearing on a major and VERY expensive market. 

I have a feeling that when I move, I could be successful at my current job.  The market is better.  Less saturated.  Gentler.  A little slower paced.  My Crush works for himself and owns his own business and I see his business interactions and accepted practices.  He gets a 24-hour grace period on emails (I get about 2-4 hours these days before a text come through with the question…"did you get my email?”), clients do not text him, he never picks up the phone being called a “bitch, liar, or cunt….” (this hurts me most as I feel like I have worked so hard to be NONE of these things anymore)……

BUT, I am not perfect.  Never was and never will be.  I want people to like me.  I actually NEED people to LOVE me.  So, I over promise and under deliver and run around in a circle like a little lost puppy wanting to be cherished and doted on and important.  One morning last December when I was cuddling with Crush and the phone/email was going crazy at 7:30 am even though my out of office was on I thought to myself….WTF????????!!!!!!!!!

I had lived 31 years to that point for EVERYONE else and now I wanted a teeny bit of time for me.  I deserve it.  I need it.  I want love and affection and a little privacy, too.  I will not compromise on it.....

And people got pissed, including the client who fired me and their friend who I also helped rather unsuccessfully because she blamed me for such things as not being able to get the fish she wanted in the middle of Hurricane Sandy and that the city we live in was fixing potholes and scaffolding on the street outside of where she wanted to take a photo.  And they called me horrible things and the trust was broken and my heart hurt and I couldn’t eat for days until I binged for a week nonstop after I got my appetite back and I listened to my conscious and I said……..”life can be better than this, you deserve it.”  Just like how I knew I deserved better than Awful.  I always operated on the notion that clients were always right NO MATTER WHAT and the reality is that they aren’t some of the time and mutual respect is a 2 way street.

I learned my lessons.  I now do almost daily check-ins.  Expectation meetings.  It all goes into writing.  I made a list of what I can control and what I cannot and it needs to be initialed.  I wanted to celebrate love, life, and commitment and not have to scream all day to prove points…..I just don’t have it in me.   Sometimes my BEST communication isn’t enough.  Once in a while, a person will not like you no matter how many hoops you just through.

I am thinking of becoming a teacher.  The state I am moving to is desperate for them and does not require a masters degree (which I do not have).  I will have to take tests and some courses and classes, but I will not require an entire new degree.  I have always loved and connected with children and have many teachers (grandmother, Sissy, mom, aunts, cousins, etc.) in my family, it may just be in my blood. 

I sobbed to Crush the other night after I was fired from my client because for a moment I felt nothing, but cold hard failure, even though I was so relieved to be rid of them.  While I ugly cried and snotted on Crush’s chest, he said, “if you want to continue what you are doing, do it, but you can do anything, I believe in you and support you, always.” We then sat down and made a list of why I want to be a teacher and it was for all the reasons I thought I wanted to be what I am…..to make the world a better, sweeter, happy place….seriously, I am a total mush ball.  I wanted to help people.  I wanted to emotionally connect.  I wanted to feel.  I wanted to influence.  I wanted to transform negatives into positives.  

So, here I am at another crossroad.  I found love and now I think it is time to find work satisfaction.  I never really loved my jobs over the years as interesting as they have been as it always felt superficial, silly, and baseless at times and as I have grown and developed, I feel like a chef that hates food, or a fashion designer that hates fabric, or a poet that hates words. How can I create and inspire if I can’t connect with my trade like I used to? I AM IN A TOTAL FUNK.

The verdict is still out and I know that no matter what happens, I will always do some of my current job, just not full time.  Perhaps 3 – 4 selective great projects a year, but no more than that.  Because I will miss it.  Because it is part of me.  Because even though I have taken some hard knocks and tough blows, the rush I get from my good clients, there is nothing quite like it.  There is the ability to connect for life and that connection is what I crave.

I have also learned the kind of client I want to work with and who I can best help.  It is a personality thing sometimes, it always it.

I wanted this to work.  I succeeded.  I did.  I learned lessons, I managed profit margins, I have some major fans and some major enemies.  I do think if I stuck with it, I could succeed, but at what cost?  I need to turn the work off some hours each day, to enjoy my evenings more than once or twice a month, to feel at peace sometimes especially when I rest my head on my pillow at night…to not get a knot in my tummy every time the phone rings. 

I am not as young as I wish I was sometimes….because I feel like doors have slammed shut already on some of my dreams. 

Job satisfaction is one I am willing to fight for though. 

Be Back Tomorrow and BEST FORTUNE EVER!

I will be back tomorrow with updates and some big life lessons.....it has been an incredible week.

I will post in detail here soon, but here are some things I just had to share....

Sissy and babies love Crush.....we had the BEST time.  It all felt SO natural.  The kind of feeling I have always wanted from a romantic relationship.......it is the best peace.  I don't take it for granted.  Also, bro-in-law and I have found beautiful new ground and really bonded.  He loved Crush as well and told me that I deserved a guy as good as him and it brought tears to my eyes.  I am blessed.

Over the moon that I am seeing 2 of my besties for a long weekend in Crushie's hometown in less than a month....eeeeekkkkkkk........just cannot wait to connect them to my love....it has been the missing piece in this real life fairy tale.  The friends factor isn't at all about approval with Crush (it always was before him because I never lived for me until this past year), it is just about sharing this huge important part of my life organically and openly with some people I don't see enough, but cannot imagine life without.....they also both have awesome hubbies and it will be incredible to bring my man into the mix.

Oy, so many business lessons to share here soon.....I have learned my final big ones lately and I feel again at peace....ready to kick it into to high gear and contemplating a MAJOR career change.  I am different than many, but I do have some really special qualities and being a real hard-ass isn't one of them......still thinking, but will share soon.

At supper tonight, we had Chinese and I am still not eating wheat (skin is looking so awesome lately) so Crush ate my cookie (not that one, perverts...), but my fortune read:

DO NOT BE TOO TIMID AND SQUEAMISH ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS.  ALL LIFE IS AN EXPERIMENT.

It was exactly the business advice I needed to know that I did the right thing....my life is really kismet at this moment in time and it is incredible that I am finally at this place......quiet in my mind.

Sweet dreams!

XOXO (watched some GG reruns this week),

R & F

Wheat Free Wednesday (2)

I am very busy catching up on work, playing, and eating ice cream......awesome!

I got on the scale on Monday and was down 2, but this morning, it was 1, so no cheating here.....another official pound gone....hopefully next week, I will keep the downward trend going.  Slow and steady wins the race!  To sum up - 

Week 1: -3
Week 2: -2
Week 3: - 1

TOTAL: - 6 

A Costly Mistake and a New Life to Make It All Better!

Little Baby joined us yesterday!  Healthy, happy, and very flushed!  Sissy was born for childbirth.  First time with Big Baby, she pushed for less than 15 minutes and the big joke in my family was that she has a HUGE vagina...this time she pushed for ten minutes.....the doctor said that she has a birth canal designed for childbirth....much more complimentary than having a gigantic cookie.

We are super excited and I must admit, I saved the day as Big Baby was so super excited to see Auntie that I was able to get Big to bed in Sissy's absence and in a miraculous turn of events, we both slept all night, spooning.  Everyone was a bit shocked as Big Baby is VERY mommy (Sissy) attached, but Sissy and I do look quite alike and Big Baby was smelling me all night, so we must have a similar scent, too.

So, on Sunday night after my last blog post, I made a VERY costly mistake.  It involved liquid, my former laptop (only 1 year old!) and a huge spill.  The former laptop had already survived 1 major spill, so this was the straw that broke the camel's back....BROKEN!  I was able to retrieve all of my information off of the old one and sucked it up and reinvested today.......it was a costly mistake and it really got me thinking....

Back in June, someone spilled on my laptop and I was lucky, but it didn't work for 3 days.  Then, mere months later, it was spilled on again.  WHY DIDN'T I LEARN MY LESSON?

Now, I had to spend a huge unexpected sum of money to fix my problem which should have never happened in the first place!  Drinks and laptops DO NOT MIX.....I will NEVER make this mistake again....FOR REAL!  REALLY!

But, this little mishap is a true reflection of my life.....I make the same mistakes over and over again and then I am shocked that the results are always the same.....WHY?  WHY?  WHY?

As I drained most of my savings to fix this bummer, I thought to myself, R & F, this just needs to stop. I need to slow my roll, focus, take responsibility, and grow up.  Mistakes can be avoided and life can be easier than this.  I must take the extra few seconds to use my better judgement.  The buck stops here......I can't keep doing the same stupid things.  I no longer have the patience or the money.....OY!

Tomorrow, Sissy and Little Baby come home, so I will be busy taking Big Baby to music class and some other activities.  Playing mommy is fun, but being a mommy seems tough.  All the mommies out there.....I give you MAJOR props!!!!!  YOU ALL ROCK!  I am getting closer to being able to be a mommy in mind, but I am enjoying the rest I can still have for the next few years.

I will be back soon with some updates and I will be weighing in tomorrow, I looked today and I am down another 2 pounds, VERY excited!

Hope all is well out there in cyberspace and get those liquids far and away from your computers!