Goals

It it time to share some current goals.  I hope that writing them down makes them a bit more real.  Here goes:

1.  Make time for myself one day a week during off season.  This means no work email, text, or phone. Out of office goes on and I will rest and have fun all day!

2.  Travel solo.  Trip #1 will be this year.  This means alone.  No friends, no men, no family.

3.  30 days binge free starts today.  I will write down my feelings here, I will not eat them.

4.  Catch up on ALL email!  ALL of it!  Go through my inbox and send thank-you's to everyone that deserves one.  Better late than never.

5.  Get the business all wrapped up before January 2013.  ALL OF IT!  Stop being afraid, stop procrastinating.

6.  Accept social plans.  Go places alone.  Have faith that it won't be so bad.

7.  Ask a man, any man that I find attractive and isn't wearing a wedding ring for his phone number. Ask until a man gives me his number.  Accept that most will be dating or spoken for and ask until I find a cute one that isn't and wants to give me his number.  Speaking of men, get a new dating profile up with current photos before January 2013.

8.  Exercise, even if it is only a walk, daily.

9.  Wash the face twice daily.  Contacts out every night.  Teeth brushed.  Basic hygiene is hard when I am depressed.

10.  Charge enough.  I am worth it.  I will not carry costs that aren't mine to carry to avoid conflict.  I will speak out, I will defend myself, I will use my voice.

11.  Stop being a hater.  Continue to be happy for other people.  They will be happy for me in due time when it all actually happens.

12.  Real food, real ingredients, real health.

13.  Make eye contact.

14.  Do what I say I will do and set realistic time expectations.

15.  Call the people I love once a week just to say hi and catch up.

I Am A Hypocrite

I hate myself for this....I am a TOTAL hypocrite and I will call myself out before I allow you to.

You see, I am totally insecure and with that comes judgement.  I judge some people hard, especially the people I am jealous of.....like if you are married, rich, have a nice house, husband, or car, I may judge you, but only a little and only during "that time of the month."  I promise you with 100% honesty here...because if you can't be honest as an anonymous blogger, when can you be honest...I may even judge your comments, if you ever leave any, but I won't be mean, I am internally judgey, I am not a total asshat.

So, back to being a hypocrite, the thing is this, I feel like I can say mean things about people, but when they say bad things about me, I cry.  I feel like I can be sarcastic (and I am and I am really quick-witted and good at verbal jabs), but the minute you spar with me with words, I will tell you openly to go "f**k yourself."  You see, I am the Queen, the sometimes mean queen and your words will kill me, but I can say whatever I want.....there is a MAJOR PROBLEM HERE and the problem is ME!

Alright, so Ready and Fading, what are you going to do here?  Well, public, I already figured it out....I am going to not be such a judgey yatch.  You see, perhaps, my personality and NOT my looks is really the issue here.  Perhaps, the fact I act like a total mess is the reason I am single, not because I am chubby and have stretch marks and cellulite....so hard to conceptualize that my inside could be the problem here and not my outside....I promise you, I am mean only because I hate myself and my ex, I feel like I have to guard myself to protect my inner self, my private self, my nougat.

Now now, don't go off the handle thinking I am this wench, because I am very nice and kind and sweet, it is my jealousy and insecurity that makes me mean and I am mostly mean in my head, so at this time there is a ton of it because I am single and broke and most of my peers are neither.

I will work on being a better me and you just keep on reading.....

HATE

Hate is really a strong word.  It isn't a word I take lightly.  In the past, I actually hated people.  Like the boys who called me fat in 6th grade and taunted me at lunch time and solidified my horrible body image or the few mean girls from high school who used me as their pawn and manipulated my feelings, started rumors about me, and blamed their mistakes on me, I made a mistake of continuing to come back for more with these chicks, so shame on us all.....I could hate all these idiots, but I don't anymore.  I really don't.  The boys are all ugly and married women much bigger than me (Facebook people) and the girls are despised by all and couldn't even show their faces at our 10 year reunion, karma is a very real thing....and because of this, I don't allow my feelings to be spent on people that have no direct impact on my life.  I know I mentioned therapy not helping my food issues, well, it did help here.....with my hate issues.

So, now, I only hate one person, the very bad, the very awful, the very recent, ex-boyfriend.

Yuck, it really sucks to hate someone.  So much energy is wasted hating. It is freaking exhausting, BUT I CANNOT HELP IT!  I hate him, I hate him, I hate him so deeply, every cell in my body hates him, he is like a fly I want to smash.  He is like poison to me.  We cannot be friends, we cannot be peaceful, we cannot just coexist.  This city will never be big enough for the 2 of us, friends of friends will never be far enough removed, he is evil, he is vain, he is cunning, he is manipulative, he is the worst person to ever grace the earth.  I wish him terrible things, well, really I don't, I want to, but then I feel bad, so I wish him a life where he will never be able to find out anything about me, because I know this will drive him crazy, because then he won't be able to compete with me.......

Why do I hate the Awful Ex?  Why you must be thinking....well, rest assured, I made a list:

I hate him because he lied about something very major.  It was the pivotal reason why I even dated him in the first place.

I hate him because he only lives his life for other people and never for himself (AND NEVER FOR ME!).

I hate him because he is obsessed with material things.

I hate him because he NEEDS to be cool.

I hate him because he never dealt with his past failed relationships before getting together with me.

I hate him because he can never be wrong.

I hate him because he said horrible things about my body.

I hate him because he didn't understand my need for solitude and quiet sometimes.

I hate him because he considered my friends to be his friends post breakup because he is very entitled.  I never considered his friends to be my property post breakup.

I hate him because he shared very private things about me, my body, and my life with our friends.  Very private things, things that should never be shared with anyone, but your significant other.

I hate him because he took money from me (he would say the same thing about me, I can admit) and didn't carry out his end of the bargain.

I hate him because he put his family before me and let me down many times overbooking his schedule.

I hate him because he made fun of me for the person I am and always was.

I hate him because he sucked my spirit right out of my body and then had the nerve to call me the "fun police."

I hate him because he was rude and never apologized to my family.  Right or wrong, my family should have been treated better.

I hate him because he needed to be busy and in the know all the time.  Never have I ever met a more insecure person.  Or a lazier one.  Or a more manipulative one. Or a more entitled one.

I hate him because I almost chose him over my family.

I hate him because when I thought something terrible was happening in my family, he chose to hang out with his friends and to not support me...this was a HUGE EYE OPENER!

I hate him because he acts like he is 18.  He makes impulsive decisions.  He drinks and drives (and operates other moving vehicles under the influence) and puts innocent people at risk.

I hate him because he will eventually hurt an innocent person with his reckless behavior.

I hate him because he forced me to do things I didn't want to do and I did them to make him happy.  I hate him and myself for this.

I hate him because I truly believed he loved me and would come back to me when I moved out.  And he didn't.  He actually went out and had sex with the first person he met to give it to me.

I hate him because he thinks he is good looking.  This actually really bothers me because he isn't at all.  I know you must be thinking: "WHY WOULD YOU DATE AN UGLY DUDE?!"......I will never do it again, I promise, I always date uglies because I think they will be nice to me, but it never happens.....he was way below me looks wise and thought he was so handsome....I just barfed in my mouth a bit thinking about intimate times with him.....I am NOT a 10...I am perhaps a 7.5 -8 when I am thin, a 6 now, he is a 2 (being nice) regardless of his weight.

I hate him because he doesn't listen and once ACTUALLY FELL ASLEEP when I was telling him something really meaningful and important that happened to me.  It had to do with a cheating boyfriend, I will get to it some other time, I promise.

I hate him because he made me feel like I was in 10th grade, a grade I really hated.

I hate him because he thinks he has these awesome friends.  I can think of 3 that are actually good people.  The rest of them are super messed up alcoholics, drug addicts, womanizers, cheaters, are repressed sexually, and are huge liars.  Oh yes, they all use Mr. Everything to Everyone (aka Awful Ex) and he is completely oblivious.

I hate him because I thought I wanted to marry him and seriously dodged a bullet and I cannot believe I EVER thought that a person like HIM would ever me worthy of a person like ME.

I hate him because he wasn't the person I wanted him to be.

I hate him because I wasted 3+ years on him.

I hate him because he thinks he is better than me.

I hate him because he thinks he is smarter than me (and he is in school, but he isn't in life, he is a social IDIOT!)

I hate him most of all because he brought out the worst in me.  I became a very sad person when we lived together.  I became a dark hateful person and I told you I hate to hate.  I hate him because he frustrated me with make believe.

I am actually already feeling less hateful!  WOW! Lists are really helpful.....HIGHLY recommend it....

Divine Intervention

Alright, confession time..... I am in my car A LOT for my job.  I drive near and far almost every day and being in the car bores me terribly, mostly because I don't talk to many people on the phone and because I can't use the computer (safely) while I am driving.  I must get some books on tape, I bet they come in CDs or even can be downloaded now....true story, I learned how to email like 5 years ago....SO BAD AT TECHNOLOGY I AM!

Any who, sometimes,  when I am flipping through the channels in my car, trying to entertain myself and trying to avoid the 20 CDs I like and listen to all the time (and cry to as previously mentioned) and the 5 "good stations" that all seem to play the same songs regardless of their label of pop, alternative, or country stations, I find a beautiful song.  Like a really awesome song, an inspiring song, a song that makes me feel hope, peace, and tranquility......and I become completely transfixed on this song until.......

I realize the song in question is Christian Rock.

I am Jewish.

A Letter To My Husband, Yes, The One I Haven't Met Yet......

I know I am conflicted when it comes to love.

I REALLY want to get married because: I want to have a partner for life, a true best friend that ALWAYS puts me first, an understanding of the commitment of love that may only come with a marriage certificate (why I am a HUGE advocate of ALL kinds of marriage), and my own little safe place in this world that I feel only a marital bed complete with top of the line hotel quality and wedding registry provided sheets can provide.

I DON'T REALLY want to get married because: I don't want a man to tell me how to spend my money, I am selfish with my time and like to spend the majority of it alone or with a few very select people when I am not working, and something about marriage, especially when a woman chooses to stay home, feels like a modern form of prostitution to me, like raising a child and staying at home is the HARDEST job in the world, but modern society and most men do not consider it to be or are conflicted, so mamas bust their behinds raising kids to be somewhat degraded by society...am I alone here?????  Some of the people I love most in the world are indeed stay at home mamas and are excellent at it and I respect them immensely for it, but the men I have been with don't and speak openly about it....so much to think about....

I THINK TOO MUCH!  I overanalyze myself out of any normalcy....

So, sometimes when I am alone, I think about my wedding.  I don't think about it in terms of my dress, or the music, or the linen, or anything like that (well sometimes I do, but not in a definite way).  I think mostly about the vows I will say to my husband to be, the seriousness of my commitment, and then I cry about it while I am driving (because I always have these thoughts when I am driving, alone in my car, listening to my sad music....) and then I sometimes say them aloud to myself, here goes:

Dear Husband to Be,

Thank you for finding me.  Thank you for being patient enough to know I was coming to be your wife and perhaps the mother of our unborn children, thank you for accomplishing so many great things in your life independently of me, so we could fall in love so truly, so quickly (NOTE: my soul mate will not make me wait because I am impatient and I am too old to have someone need more than 1 year to know if I am right for them), thank you for being honest with me about your expectations of me and the life you want to have together.

I never knew if I believed in love before I met you.  I was always reaching, bending, reshaping myself, to make myself fit for someone, so when I met you, I was surprised most of all.  I could be myself: my worst self, my best self, my true self, and I didn't have to worry that you wouldn't accept me.  From the very first times we met, it felt right.  You never made me doubt you, you didn't bring out my insecurities, you have been the lighthouse in the stormy sea that is my life, you have rescued me from my self-doubt and you have made me feel safe and warm.

You have taught me that good things come to those who wait.  You have showed me to be patient (SO HARD FOR ME), honest, and to believe in myself always.  Together, we are better than we ever were apart.  Together, we are a team, navigating life together.  I will always be on your side, I take the commitment of marriage very seriously, I am here to be your one and only forever and I am fortunate that I have had a very complete and busy life before we met, because I was ready for you.  Life is all about timing and you came to me when it was our time.

As the very fine and talented Tom Cruise said in the epic film, Jerry Maquire, "You complete me."

Love,

Your Very Hot and Sexy and Barely Looks a Day Over 29 Wife to Be

Food is a Four Letter Word

I have something to admit.....I am a compulsive overeater.  That's right.  I said it.  I binge eat. I don't purge.  I often binge on healthy food, just in large quantities.  I was 30 when I fully realized this.

I have always used food to soothe myself, my emotions.  I remember feeling excited when I was left home alone when I was younger, my first memory of this was from third grade. When I was alone in the house, I could eat without judgement and in total abandonment.  No questions asked, no padlocked pantry.  Eating alone is heaven to me.  Food is my drug of choice.

My mom always controlled my food intake, my snacking.  She is also an emotional eater and won't deny this when confronted.  She wanted me to have a better food relationship than she did, but it is tricky.  She hid food, she kept food just for her: chocolate, cookies, ice cream. I always found it, there are only so many places to hide treats from a very eager little snacker. She wanted to protect me from the fat chants that taunted me on the playground during lunch, she wanted to give me a life free of the insults that haunted her years before when she was a chubby girl.

I have eliminated all of my crutches that have masked my issues with food.  The cigarettes, the alcohol, the marijuana, the diet soda, the taste-free, diet-free, prepackaged and time-free processed diet foods.....so, now I am left with a huge problem for me......because I want to have a healthy relationship with food, because I want to be a good and realistic and healthy weight for me and I cannot stop binge eating...

THE TRUTH = I haven't gone one single day without a binge since I walked out of my past life.  I haven't stopped stuffing myself with food I am not hungry for because I am hungry for a better life and I am scared I won't be able to find it.  I am really really scared that I will be 35 before I know it and still stuck and still at this weight which holds me back and makes me shy and forces me to cover myself up, both on the outside and on the inside....I cannot be my true self at this weight.  This weight really makes me seek approval, "can you be seen in public with me?", "could you date me publicly at this size?", "would you be friends with someone like me?"  Yet, I still reach for crackers and cheese in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, stuffing them into my mouth, like they are my security blanket.

I am going to fight this.  One day at a time, I have to.  I will never be able to succeed with this skeleton still in my closet.  I have tried it all: weight watchers, therapy, paleo, south beach, etc.  None of it ever worked permanently because I wasn't ready to change.  Internally, I was always looking for the quick fix, the easy out, the "look how good I look since the last time you saw me"!?  It is time to make a change, to be self aware, to acknowledge that I am better than this and stronger than this, to prove I can overcome this.  My life is totally controlled by food and it sucks and I am ready to fight this once and for all.  This will be the key to my success, because food has been the longest addiction in my life.  I have carried my food issues through every phase of my life.  I have fought the other addictions, I can beat this and I will, one binge free day at a time.  Day 1 is today.

Ready and Fading.......

Who am I?  I ask myself this a few times a day.  I must admit, I am a bit lost.  I am ready for great things, but I am impatient.  I am fading, trying to constantly stay so optimistic. I want a million things, I want them all at once.  How am I past 30 already?  Where did the time go?  Why am I so behind everyone else in my life?  How did I end up swimming up to Lonely Island alone.  WHAT HAPPENED? SOMEONE TELL ME!  HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?

I am going through the motions on a daily basis.  I am getting dressed and doing my eye makeup and trying to hit the gym.  I am keeping up with my email, I am texting back the few people I care about, I am listening to my voicemails and I am still hanging in there, just barely, but I am.  I am hoping that journaling, what this blog will really be, my journal, will help me sort out some of my noise, my mess, my life.

I have always lived my life for others.  I have never listened to the little voice in my head and did what was actually best for me until I walked out, ran really, of a relationship that was sucking everything I liked about myself bone dry.  I never traveled the world, I never had an international experience and kissed a foreigner after midnight along some romantic river on a bridge,  I never truly fell in love with someone I could marry, I never made a big life mess before 25, I never stopped feigning sophistication, I never disobeyed my parents for real.

I have always wanted to impress, mostly, I have always wanted to make my parents, specifically my mother, proud.  I was the little girl screaming, "watch me, Mommy, watch me" from the public pool, while she feigned interest and gossiped with her friends about cheating husbands from her chaise lounge.  Why do I care so much about what she thinks?  Why do I need her approval?  She is crazy, too, I love her more than perhaps anyone in the world, but she is.  Her depression scares me almost as much as mine does, so unpredictable.

I have never been an easy person, but I have always wanted people to like me.  I needed people to not be able to say mean things about me, I needed people to think I was a good person.  Frankly, just recently, I have gotten to the point where I could really care less about what people think about me most of the time, but there are days when I feel 15 again and I can't function.  I am fighting a life of being an approval seeker and saying F**K IT ALL!  You suck, people I worry about: you are dumb, superficial, barely educated.....WHY DO I CARE??????  I can't explain this.  I am a contradiction.  I am securely insecure. 

I am at a crossroads.  You see, if you asked me what was wrong with me a few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell you.  Perhaps, I would had told you that I was sad because I was single and all of my friends were seriously dating (now they are all married and have children), perhaps I would have told you that I was sick of my old job and that I had a mean coworker who was treated better than me for reasons I still don't understand, perhaps I would have told you that I longed to prove myself by starting my own business and being great at it (I am in the process of doing this and it has been the hardest, but most fulfilling thing I have ever done yet with my life).  I woke up one day in the midst of a serious depression (I will get to this in posts to come) and it all clicked.  This gaping hole in my soul, this darkness I was trying to fill with a relationship that was so wrong for me for so many reasons....it was never going to be filled with stuff, it was never going to be filled by other people (including a man), I was the only person that could fill my hole (this is a soul hole, so let's not get dirty here people....), I was the only person that could complete my own life.....TERRIFYING SELF-REALIZATION!

I am not sure what my destiny is.  I am not sure I want what everyone else has: husband, baby, house, SUV......I am not sure that any of this will actually make me happy, because I have never truly been in love and I struggle with the fact that someone could actually love me, the real me, the way I need to be loved and deserve to be loved.  I just admitted something that I really haven't shared with anyone, I mean, do I deserve what I feel like I do?  I am a faberge egg, I am fragile, so very fragile, even though I try to act tough.

I feel like I have never really gotten what I deserved and much of this is because I self-sabatouge.  I screw myself out of things I should have because my insecurities always creep on in.  I never got the guy, or got asked to all the dances, or got accepted into the really good school I could have because I gave up before I could fail, I didn't play the game and then I lost.  I got scared of the possibility of failing, so I failed, so I didn't have to play the game.  It is weird, I am a late bloomer and all, but I am ready to play the game.  I am ready to not go down without a fight.  I am ready to cement the hole in my soul and make my life real, something I want to live for, something that will be worth getting out of bed for each and every day.

Bring it.