Crush's brother broke up with his long-term girlfriend over the weekend.
I am sad because I REALLY liked her so super much, but they weren't the best match. They just didn't seem like they loved each other and after being together 4 years, I think love is important. Hell, the sex and mystery have long dried up. They fought often, they seemed miserable together, and apart, I could hang out with each of them separately for hours, but together, the tension in the room was suffocating. As a couple, they reminded me SO MUCH of Awful and me, I sometimes had to go outside to get a breath of fresh air because I wanted to scream, "BREAK UP!!!!", but even I couldn't do that regardless of my non-existent filter aka my mouth.
In the past, before Awful, when someone broke up, I always thought secretly: how embarrassing, what did they do wrong, that sucks so bad.....poor poor people, but now I think, GOOD FOR YOU!
Do you know how hard it is to admit to yourself and the person that you are with, that you are unhappy?
IT IS ONE OF THE TOUGHEST THINGS EVER.
In the past, I saw breaking up as failure and now I see it as hope. Thinking about it, the same applies to the clients that have let me go. It wasn't working out and in many ways, I could never make them happy because at the end of the day, they simply didn't like or trust me the way they should have.....
Everyone deserves true love. Real love. Soulmate love. This isn't lust and this isn't infatuation. This isn't about money, prestige, sex, or security. This is about how a person makes you feel. I think an easy test to gage your love is to ask yourself, "does this person bring out my best self?" If the answer is yes (most of the time, we are all people here and therefore not perfect), then YAY for you!
Until Crush, I didn't really know who I was. I didn't have a soulful connection with myself. He allows me to be me and even though I suck sometimes, at least I am still me.
So, when you hear that someone broke up and you care about them, think on the bright side. They now have the opportunity to meet their soul mate and become their best self.
I want to send Crush's bro's ex a little email wishing her happiness and love, but I can't. I know this may be cowardly, but my loyalty has to be with Crush and his family and it is panging me a bit, but sides do exist. I learned this the hard way when Awful and I parted ways.
I now know exactly how a few people must have felt after Awful and I broke up. We shared mutual friends who probably wanted to contact me and liked me, but couldn't because they had loyalty to Awful (and he has a sailboat and I don't, so that can make him a "better friend" to some). I will remember the positive if I ever see them. His friends were just being good to Awful and I get it now. Awful does have people in his life who love and care for him and that makes me happy as much as he makes me want to personally put a fork in my eye.
I know brother's ex will never read this, but if she could, I would tell her to:
"Be who you are because you are a wonderful person. Only change yourself if you want to. Stay true to your heart and stay true to your soul and one day, you will find the one that makes you feel happy, confidant, and beautiful each and everyday. Now, get out there and experience all life has to offer because one day there will come a time that you will not be able to drink 3 stiff martinis, dance with gay male strippers, and throw up the next day without someone questioning you (like I did last Wednesday and Crush questioned me last Thursday) because that phase of your life will end. I wish you the best, the most, and the biggest and know that even if I can't see you often, I owe you a BIG thank you for accepting me when I joined the girlfriend gang and taking me under your wing. You filled me in, you helped me out, and you guided me. You told me such wonderful things about my boyfriend and how he has changed for the better since he met me and for that I will always be grateful. You are an exceptional person, so you deserve a man who treats you exceptionally. I am here for you even if I can't be there for you. Best of luck and many hugs and glasses of sauvignon blanc (we have shared bottles and bottles together in this last year!) and dance parties (she always played me great music)."
I will miss her, but I know that her best life is out there, just like mine was there waiting for me 18 months ago.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Teenage Turmoil
Today, I had many things planned. I am currently checking my list off. All of the months of tomorrow are here. There are no more tomorrows.....it is time to get things done once and for all!
I was on my way to the library to work (in order to make the weight loss stick, I have to change my spaces and working at cafes is no longer an option for me as I was using cookies as bribes to myself to finish tasks....) when I received a call from my favorite teenager, Emma, asking me to join her for lunch. Emma and I have a special bond. I babysat her from the time she was born. I spent some vacations and summers with her family. We are 15 years apart in age, but we are super similar. We like the same music, the same food, the same clothes, the same movie stars, and we are both tall and statuesque women. We have both been teased many times for being big (tall ) and fat (over a size 8 in my community), she has been called a Sasquatch, where I was called an ogre.
SIDENOTE: If I looked like her in a bikini, I would never wear clothes. Teenagers are fools. Skinny is great, but the reality is that it is not the only acceptable body type out there.
Today, Emma had a half day from school. Today, she was ditched by a group of her "friends" that she was supposed to go to lunch with.
When she called me, I could hear the hurt in her voice. I know this very feeling. The way your heart can ache. The burn you get in your throat trying to hold back the tears and smile through it. The emptiness and anxiety that clouds your brain. I didn't hesitate for a moment. "Let's meet for lunch, anywhere you want, my treat."
As she sobbed into her burrito, I held her hand and told her all the things I WISH someone would have said to me. I shared, "It is only high school, none of this matters, seriously. Study and focus on you and college is all about starting over. Girls are mean. This town is tough. Mean girls grow into mean ladies and you are better than this. Be yourself and be true to your heart. If someone hurts you, then cross them off your list. Be kind to them, but don't trust them. There is more to life than this silly suburb. Grades first and then off to college being the girl you want to be."
When I moved back home with my folks a year and a half ago, my anxiety spiraled out of control. All of my best laid plans didn't exist anymore and I was lonely, embarrassed, and really uncomfortable. I hated high school. I had left this suburb at 18 years old and besides 6 weeks that I lived at home in between finishing college and starting my first real job, I never lived in the town I spent the later part of my childhood. Because I HATED it. Because I HATED the people. Because being home meant being reminded of the hurt and despair I felt in high school.
I have been hiding out for 18 months. That was hard to admit, but it is the truth. I don't go places I think I may see anyone from my past because I don't want to face it. I am almost ready to share one of my lowest moments to date regarding an absolute explosion of work and life that happened in September, but I am still processing it. I am still aching from it. It will be coming soon......I promise.
BUT, the rainbow in this (shit) storm of breaking up with Awful AND moving home was reconnecting with Emma. She was starting her sophomore year of high school when I moved back and she was going through lots of the same angst I had lived through at the very same high school. We started bonding over shared experiences and the advice I could give at age 30 was more relevant to her than anything her parents were sharing, even if it was mostly the same. Emma started helping me with my work, excelling at school, and last night was even inducted into The National Honors Society. Her parents tell me I gave her this confidence and I believe it. Her life turned around when I came home. I can't think of a better compliment and I do think our reconnection was meant to be.
Being close to Emma allows me to press the reset button a bit. To live vicariously through a young gal who may have ended up in a pit of self doubt, self hate, and low self esteem like me, but didn't. She picked right when I chose left at that fork in the road and she is making better decisions at 17 than I ever did. She has helped me put closure on high school. On the 4 years of my life I wish I could do over. On the time that I picked popularity over everything else.....and it only got me right back home at age 30 with only 1 real friend from high school.
Over the weekend, Crush was looking through old photos and stumbled upon a few of my high school friends. Even though I explained previously, that high school wasn't my favorite time, he was curious about them, wanted to know what they were up to, and wasn't taking the hint that I didn't want to talk about it. After continuing to ask me several questions about them, I finally snapped, "I have no idea, they are all crazy bitches...." Indeed, by my reaction, I was the only crazy bitch.
But, there is a part of me that is still a bit angry. I was such a cool person then. I was also innocent. I had no idea of my potential and I closed a few doors in the process because I didn't believe in myself. Because I listened and took very seriously the critiques thrown my way: fat, stupid, annoying, and ugly. I even believed I was a slut and a possible lesbian because the girls in my grade told me I was even though I didn't have any real sexual experiences until after high school and never thought of girls as anything, but friends.
The things I was accused of, they weren't true and the way I felt I had to act, that wasn't me.
As I munched on my salad today, I told Emma a piece of advice that I hope stays with her:
"Nothing now really matters unless you let it. I let people hurt me, I allowed myself to be broken by girls I never really respected. I wasted so many years of my life being angry. Please do what you can to not end up like me, to not end up hateful of things that happened half a lifetime ago. If you don't like the game, don't play it. In 1 year (she is graduating early), none of this matters, so in the meantime, become yourself. Crack your shell open and be the person your truly are inside."
I have a feeling that she will listen.
Now, I have to follow my own advice.
I have to close these doors and lock them and not take any past issues with me down South.
I deserve better, just like Emma.
I was on my way to the library to work (in order to make the weight loss stick, I have to change my spaces and working at cafes is no longer an option for me as I was using cookies as bribes to myself to finish tasks....) when I received a call from my favorite teenager, Emma, asking me to join her for lunch. Emma and I have a special bond. I babysat her from the time she was born. I spent some vacations and summers with her family. We are 15 years apart in age, but we are super similar. We like the same music, the same food, the same clothes, the same movie stars, and we are both tall and statuesque women. We have both been teased many times for being big (tall ) and fat (over a size 8 in my community), she has been called a Sasquatch, where I was called an ogre.
SIDENOTE: If I looked like her in a bikini, I would never wear clothes. Teenagers are fools. Skinny is great, but the reality is that it is not the only acceptable body type out there.
Today, Emma had a half day from school. Today, she was ditched by a group of her "friends" that she was supposed to go to lunch with.
When she called me, I could hear the hurt in her voice. I know this very feeling. The way your heart can ache. The burn you get in your throat trying to hold back the tears and smile through it. The emptiness and anxiety that clouds your brain. I didn't hesitate for a moment. "Let's meet for lunch, anywhere you want, my treat."
As she sobbed into her burrito, I held her hand and told her all the things I WISH someone would have said to me. I shared, "It is only high school, none of this matters, seriously. Study and focus on you and college is all about starting over. Girls are mean. This town is tough. Mean girls grow into mean ladies and you are better than this. Be yourself and be true to your heart. If someone hurts you, then cross them off your list. Be kind to them, but don't trust them. There is more to life than this silly suburb. Grades first and then off to college being the girl you want to be."
When I moved back home with my folks a year and a half ago, my anxiety spiraled out of control. All of my best laid plans didn't exist anymore and I was lonely, embarrassed, and really uncomfortable. I hated high school. I had left this suburb at 18 years old and besides 6 weeks that I lived at home in between finishing college and starting my first real job, I never lived in the town I spent the later part of my childhood. Because I HATED it. Because I HATED the people. Because being home meant being reminded of the hurt and despair I felt in high school.
I have been hiding out for 18 months. That was hard to admit, but it is the truth. I don't go places I think I may see anyone from my past because I don't want to face it. I am almost ready to share one of my lowest moments to date regarding an absolute explosion of work and life that happened in September, but I am still processing it. I am still aching from it. It will be coming soon......I promise.
BUT, the rainbow in this (shit) storm of breaking up with Awful AND moving home was reconnecting with Emma. She was starting her sophomore year of high school when I moved back and she was going through lots of the same angst I had lived through at the very same high school. We started bonding over shared experiences and the advice I could give at age 30 was more relevant to her than anything her parents were sharing, even if it was mostly the same. Emma started helping me with my work, excelling at school, and last night was even inducted into The National Honors Society. Her parents tell me I gave her this confidence and I believe it. Her life turned around when I came home. I can't think of a better compliment and I do think our reconnection was meant to be.
Being close to Emma allows me to press the reset button a bit. To live vicariously through a young gal who may have ended up in a pit of self doubt, self hate, and low self esteem like me, but didn't. She picked right when I chose left at that fork in the road and she is making better decisions at 17 than I ever did. She has helped me put closure on high school. On the 4 years of my life I wish I could do over. On the time that I picked popularity over everything else.....and it only got me right back home at age 30 with only 1 real friend from high school.
Over the weekend, Crush was looking through old photos and stumbled upon a few of my high school friends. Even though I explained previously, that high school wasn't my favorite time, he was curious about them, wanted to know what they were up to, and wasn't taking the hint that I didn't want to talk about it. After continuing to ask me several questions about them, I finally snapped, "I have no idea, they are all crazy bitches...." Indeed, by my reaction, I was the only crazy bitch.
But, there is a part of me that is still a bit angry. I was such a cool person then. I was also innocent. I had no idea of my potential and I closed a few doors in the process because I didn't believe in myself. Because I listened and took very seriously the critiques thrown my way: fat, stupid, annoying, and ugly. I even believed I was a slut and a possible lesbian because the girls in my grade told me I was even though I didn't have any real sexual experiences until after high school and never thought of girls as anything, but friends.
The things I was accused of, they weren't true and the way I felt I had to act, that wasn't me.
As I munched on my salad today, I told Emma a piece of advice that I hope stays with her:
"Nothing now really matters unless you let it. I let people hurt me, I allowed myself to be broken by girls I never really respected. I wasted so many years of my life being angry. Please do what you can to not end up like me, to not end up hateful of things that happened half a lifetime ago. If you don't like the game, don't play it. In 1 year (she is graduating early), none of this matters, so in the meantime, become yourself. Crack your shell open and be the person your truly are inside."
I have a feeling that she will listen.
Now, I have to follow my own advice.
I have to close these doors and lock them and not take any past issues with me down South.
I deserve better, just like Emma.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Anger Management, Karma Is A Bitch & Lessons Learned
Hi out there in Blogland! Crush was here for a quick weekend and it was bittersweet as always. Easy to say hello and hard to say goodbye.
I love my man, but I enjoy him a million times more not in my current city as I find it hard to cool my jets (I think I just may have quoted Bart Simpson....?!?) when I am here.
Crush's next big real trip will be Memorial Day, but this was a little one that was half work/half play. He got to attend a first bday party, meet my cousins, see my Grandmartyr (grandmother), and attend a community center symphonic band concert geared for seniors at a local high school that my dad REALLY wanted to go to because some of his buddies (he just retired and joined a men's group where he is the youngest member by 10+ years) were performing.
As always Crush was a super good sport. The baseball game I bought us tickets for? Canceled because of the weather. The baseball tour I bought us tickets for? Canceled because of the weather. The community center concert? NOT canceled because of the weather. My gent didn't complain. Because as he says, "let's not fret over what we cannot control..." As a control FREAK, I need to remember this sometimes (ALL of the time, actually) and this weekend taught me many lessons which I will get to down below.
Where I live in the Midwest experienced MAJOR flooding last week/this weekend. MAJOR. So bad, that many main highways were closed and traffic was nightmarish. I mean a 3 Xanax situation. But, I couldn't take that many because I was driving. On Friday night, a VERY scary situation happened while I was driving with Crush (country boys don't drive well in the big city) to dinner......we were victims of road rage in the middle of gridlock traffic. Long story short, a woman behind was experiencing a fit of roadrage directed at the back of my car. She was screaming, flailing, cursing, and motioning for me to speed up, but there was NO WHERE TO GO. I knew to just ignore her from all the Reader's Digest articles I have read regarding the subject while I wait in the doctor's office.
Crush was TERRIFIED as I would have been too, if I wasn't immune to people acting all crazy and whatnot in the VERY corrupt city I live in and told him that I feared that something bad may happen, so let's try to get her plates just in case.....that very second, she taps the back of my car with her car in an effort to push me out of her way. My car was in park, so I didn't hit the car in front of me and luckily, she had no where to go to get momentum to rail into me. No damage was done to my car and I would take a few scratches over being hurt. Seconds later, she aggressively swerved onto the shoulder (it was a real tight spot of the road) opened up her window and continued raging about. She made the universal symbol for a gun with her hands. Crush hid under his seat practically and I am terrible at remembering numbers, so I didn't get her license plate, but luckily she drove away on the shoulder of the road and we didn't see her again. I understood her frustration. The roads were clogged up the worst I had ever seen them....but the rage, no excuse. Control yourself.
Then, on Saturday, at the concert, we were all enjoying some music and in the middle, my mother whispered to me for a tissue. I got her one and thought nothing of it. But, the woman in front of us sure did. Between songs, she turned around and said, "You two gossipers need to shut the f*uk up! My daughter is playing the clarinet tonight and I can't think straight because of your chatting and rustling. You are animals and should be ashamed of yourself. Go to hell you goddamn bitches!" Here is the best part....she was doing a crossword puzzle during the ENTIRE concert. She literally brought in a newspaper and a pen and a dictionary and was sitting there rustling her own papers. For a moment, I thought we may have been on Candid Camera the entire thing seemed so silly. And no, she wasn't a senior, she was perhaps 50ish and EVERYONE around us was talking including several little ones that were accompanied by their grandparents. This wasn't the New York Symphony either, tickets were $5.00........OY. It took ALL of my self control not to whomp her. I had visions of tearing up her puzzle and beating her over the head with her pocket dictionary....but, I didn't. Instead I cried silently to myself (FOR REAL) about WTF is wrong with people these days and made Crush switch seats with me for the second act, so I didn't have to be behind her. My mom did the classy thing and apologized for blowing her nose and wished the lady a successful crossword puzzle as only my mom can and then said, "the answer for 11 Down is CONTROL YOURSELF." Mom - 1. Cross Word Lady - 0.
All of last night, I was up tossing and turning. Besides the anger, which I have been guilty of in the past, too, I was taught MANY lessons this weekend:
1. I once made fun of Crush for pooping in a public restroom because his stomach was upset. I have this weird thing with pooping in public places....well, at lunch with my folks on Friday....I got massive not fun tummy issues and was in the bathroom for 1 hour at a restaurant.
2. I give Crush a hard time for spilling on himself when he eats. At dinner on Saturday, half a bowl of soup ended up in my lap.
3. I couldn't believe that Crush lost his car last week...I lost mine on Friday in a parking garage and thought it was in a much different spot than it was. It took me 45 minutes to find.
4. Crush loses everything. It makes me want to explode. I lost my favorite lipstick and cried on Saturday morning. I found it in my jacket pocket a few hours later.
5. I sometimes call Crush antisocial and make fun of his social skills...In public, I often find him to be awkward, but I think this may come from dating me, a real chatterbox...it is hard to get a word in when I feel like yapping. I wished for someone not obsessed with his friends because Awful LIVED only for his friends' approval, so I wanted this kind of man and still do, but I can be a mean bitch. Crush attended 3 hard social situations with me this weekends: parents dinner, bday party for my friend's baby, and an extended family dinner and he did AWESOME. Held his own, told stories, laughed, and was perfectly appropriate. I felt like a real blockhead ever doubting him.
I AM AN ASSHOLE. Yes, sometimes I am. But, as Smartie Best Friend once told me, "Yes, you are an asshole once in a while, but you do realize your mistakes and learn from them and that is a good trait."
In the wake of the SO MUCH tragedy around the world.....it is time for everyone, including ME, to slow their roll, take a deep breath, and realize how truly blessed life can be. Learn lessons, control yourself, and realize that few things are really worth fighting over.
And if all else fails, do like me and in the midst of a big personal meltdown, listen or hum the words to "What a Wonderful World".......it will bring you a moment of personal peace, I promise.
And of course, if all all all all and other else fails....take a chill pill.
And of course, if all all all all and other else fails....take a chill pill.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Where There Is A Will, There Is A Weigh
Guess what?
WW is going well.
I have been on point and feeling satisfied since Saturday. It is only 4 days on program, but it is progress. I am seeing a bit of the light at the end of the tunnel. One day at a time of course.
Weird, but I have been following WeightWatchers according to their guidelines and it is easier than I thought it would be. I know, I know....the stupidity in the above sentence even shocks me and I wrote it! I am getting in the recommended amounts of water, dairy, fruits and veggies, healthy oils, and even my multivitamin. I have been feeling satisfied.
As I was chopping melon this morning, it got me thinking that I am happy, empowered, and in control when I eat "on point" and yet I fight it. The last 4 days, I have been super productive and I know my diet and mindset (I will do this!) is spilling over positively into all aspects of my life.
For years, I padded myself with extra weight to protect myself. From men and mostly, from my own emotions. And then I met the man who completes me when I was heavy for me. When my skin had bad psoriasis flares from stress, weight gain, and self doubt. Yet, I never feel self conscious with Crush. I feel good all the time about my body when I am around him...I get proudly naked, I let him keep on the lights, I wear lingerie. He makes me feel gorgeous.
So....this weight loss journey is really for me. Not for Crush. Not for the boys that called me Ogre when I was in 7th grade. Not for guy in college who I thought was my friend who called me a hippo. Not for the people on the bus or at my work who asked me when I was due (one of the reasons why I got a tummy tuck). Not for Awful who told me I was becoming a fat girl and dressing like one. This is for me. ALL ME.
I want to lose the weight. To feel free, open, vulnerable....to experience my life to the fullest. I don't want to gain again because I am content, bored, sad, or depressed. No more self-sabotaging. I want to see, taste, and feel it all...without the layer of protection. Without the excuse that my life isn't what it could be simply because I am overweight. Being fat has always been the excuse I use when someone doesn't like me, when I am not invited somewhere, when I don't get what I think I deserve....it's flawed reasoning and it needs to go.
One new improvement I am starting is that I not going to get on the scale everyday. Why? Because Monday is my weigh-in day at WeightWatchers and very often it takes an entire week to see a change on the scale. When I get on the scale 3 times a day and I don't see a difference, I give up. It is silly, but it makes me feel bad and since I need to help myself succeed, scale gets stepped on only on Mondays.
Happy Hump Day and XXX,
Ready & Fading
WW is going well.
I have been on point and feeling satisfied since Saturday. It is only 4 days on program, but it is progress. I am seeing a bit of the light at the end of the tunnel. One day at a time of course.
Weird, but I have been following WeightWatchers according to their guidelines and it is easier than I thought it would be. I know, I know....the stupidity in the above sentence even shocks me and I wrote it! I am getting in the recommended amounts of water, dairy, fruits and veggies, healthy oils, and even my multivitamin. I have been feeling satisfied.
As I was chopping melon this morning, it got me thinking that I am happy, empowered, and in control when I eat "on point" and yet I fight it. The last 4 days, I have been super productive and I know my diet and mindset (I will do this!) is spilling over positively into all aspects of my life.
For years, I padded myself with extra weight to protect myself. From men and mostly, from my own emotions. And then I met the man who completes me when I was heavy for me. When my skin had bad psoriasis flares from stress, weight gain, and self doubt. Yet, I never feel self conscious with Crush. I feel good all the time about my body when I am around him...I get proudly naked, I let him keep on the lights, I wear lingerie. He makes me feel gorgeous.
So....this weight loss journey is really for me. Not for Crush. Not for the boys that called me Ogre when I was in 7th grade. Not for guy in college who I thought was my friend who called me a hippo. Not for the people on the bus or at my work who asked me when I was due (one of the reasons why I got a tummy tuck). Not for Awful who told me I was becoming a fat girl and dressing like one. This is for me. ALL ME.
I want to lose the weight. To feel free, open, vulnerable....to experience my life to the fullest. I don't want to gain again because I am content, bored, sad, or depressed. No more self-sabotaging. I want to see, taste, and feel it all...without the layer of protection. Without the excuse that my life isn't what it could be simply because I am overweight. Being fat has always been the excuse I use when someone doesn't like me, when I am not invited somewhere, when I don't get what I think I deserve....it's flawed reasoning and it needs to go.
One new improvement I am starting is that I not going to get on the scale everyday. Why? Because Monday is my weigh-in day at WeightWatchers and very often it takes an entire week to see a change on the scale. When I get on the scale 3 times a day and I don't see a difference, I give up. It is silly, but it makes me feel bad and since I need to help myself succeed, scale gets stepped on only on Mondays.
Happy Hump Day and XXX,
Ready & Fading
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Blasting Through The Past
This past Sunday, I did something I have been avoiding for 18 months......I went through my junk in my parents' basement.
It sounds minor, but it wasn't.
On October 31, 2011, when I moved out of Awful's, I could barely function. I knew moving out would save my life and give me a second chance at my best self, but I didn't know how to get here, to where I am right now (minus the weight, which needs to come off)......because I had no plan other than to survive.
Bless my parents, both of them. They saved me. They helped me move, they brought me my favorite foods right to my bed (aka my habitat for 4 weeks), and they supported me. When I needed them. When I couldn't burden my friends who were dealing with major life changes themselves: being a newlywed, becoming mommies, moving, etc....
It was perfect timing for such a life catastrophe for me....because my parents were there to catch me. How lucky I am.
When I moved home, ALL of my stuff went right into the basement. Out of sight, out of mind. Work stuff from my former job that I quit after 7 years to pursue my own business, photos of Awful, dating self help books.....relics from my past. Things.....many things....possessions that I couldn't face until now.
I went down to the basement with a single objective in mind, to go through 1 box. I went through all of them. I threw out 3 GIANT garbage bags and 2 HUGE boxes of junk. I sorted through what I wanted to keep at the P's house and what I wanted to bring with me down South. I won't be bringing a ton, but I need to being some things to make it feel like home, my photos and books, specifically. I do plan to move into a furnished apartment this fall as I gave away or sold all of my furniture already and Crush and I will be moving after next year to his home town.....no point buying all new furniture to throw it out again...we plan to buy our real life stuff together as a married couple when we move to our permanent home.
After my stuff purge, I felt a wave of relief. I was letting go of the past with each item I tossed in the trash.
It is funny that Sunday was the day that I could face it. Everyday since I have been home, I have thought about the dreaded PILE of stuff and deemed tomorrow would be the day to tackle it. Day after day after day. Sunday, for whatever reason, I was ready. I could handle it and I did. Without a tear, or a panic attack, or even a Xanax come to think of it. It was Me versus Stuff and I won. WHOOT!
I feel like this is symbolic of many things. Da da dah......yes, my stalled weight loss. You see, I have also been avoiding the basement because I didn't want to see my skinny photos and then the photos of me getting progressively fatter while I dated Awful. You can see it in my eyes, how disconnected I am in the photos I share with him. Instead of feeling upset when I viewed the photos (I literally gagged that I ever shared a bed with him as mean as that sounds), I felt relieved. I escaped by the skin of my teeth. Suddenly, I felt guilty that I was with him at all. Looking at those photos...oy, I don't think we ever really loved each other at all. Seriously. I look the worst I ever looked with him. Strained. Uncomfortable. A mile away from my body and soul.
Love makes you beautiful and hate makes you look sad, terrible, and in my case.....very very very bloated.
I feel so much lighter now even if the scale disagrees at this moment.
September here I come!
It sounds minor, but it wasn't.
On October 31, 2011, when I moved out of Awful's, I could barely function. I knew moving out would save my life and give me a second chance at my best self, but I didn't know how to get here, to where I am right now (minus the weight, which needs to come off)......because I had no plan other than to survive.
Bless my parents, both of them. They saved me. They helped me move, they brought me my favorite foods right to my bed (aka my habitat for 4 weeks), and they supported me. When I needed them. When I couldn't burden my friends who were dealing with major life changes themselves: being a newlywed, becoming mommies, moving, etc....
It was perfect timing for such a life catastrophe for me....because my parents were there to catch me. How lucky I am.
When I moved home, ALL of my stuff went right into the basement. Out of sight, out of mind. Work stuff from my former job that I quit after 7 years to pursue my own business, photos of Awful, dating self help books.....relics from my past. Things.....many things....possessions that I couldn't face until now.
I went down to the basement with a single objective in mind, to go through 1 box. I went through all of them. I threw out 3 GIANT garbage bags and 2 HUGE boxes of junk. I sorted through what I wanted to keep at the P's house and what I wanted to bring with me down South. I won't be bringing a ton, but I need to being some things to make it feel like home, my photos and books, specifically. I do plan to move into a furnished apartment this fall as I gave away or sold all of my furniture already and Crush and I will be moving after next year to his home town.....no point buying all new furniture to throw it out again...we plan to buy our real life stuff together as a married couple when we move to our permanent home.
After my stuff purge, I felt a wave of relief. I was letting go of the past with each item I tossed in the trash.
It is funny that Sunday was the day that I could face it. Everyday since I have been home, I have thought about the dreaded PILE of stuff and deemed tomorrow would be the day to tackle it. Day after day after day. Sunday, for whatever reason, I was ready. I could handle it and I did. Without a tear, or a panic attack, or even a Xanax come to think of it. It was Me versus Stuff and I won. WHOOT!
I feel like this is symbolic of many things. Da da dah......yes, my stalled weight loss. You see, I have also been avoiding the basement because I didn't want to see my skinny photos and then the photos of me getting progressively fatter while I dated Awful. You can see it in my eyes, how disconnected I am in the photos I share with him. Instead of feeling upset when I viewed the photos (I literally gagged that I ever shared a bed with him as mean as that sounds), I felt relieved. I escaped by the skin of my teeth. Suddenly, I felt guilty that I was with him at all. Looking at those photos...oy, I don't think we ever really loved each other at all. Seriously. I look the worst I ever looked with him. Strained. Uncomfortable. A mile away from my body and soul.
Love makes you beautiful and hate makes you look sad, terrible, and in my case.....very very very bloated.
I feel so much lighter now even if the scale disagrees at this moment.
September here I come!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Boston.....
Oy, my prayers go out to anyone suffering because of this newest tragedy.
When things like this happen....tragedies in public places: schools, movie theaters, planes, buildings, and now sporting events......it really makes you think...WOW, that could have been me.
It is one thing to do something risky and have something happen: jump out of a plane, ride a motorcycle, or even ski....but it is quite another to have your life taken from you by a terminal illness and it is even different to be a victim of an attack and never have the chance to say goodbye.....
These horrific attacks in public places simply equals being at the wrong place at the wrong time.
My anxiety is through the roof. I fear everything for a few days when something like this happens. An attack can happen ANYWHERE. But, I have to push through it. I have to live life to the fullest. I have to realize that anything can happen at anytime and life must go on. There is a plan out there for all of us and who knows what that plan is.
PLEASE let this be contained and I am thinking of Boston as I lay down tonight.
When things like this happen....tragedies in public places: schools, movie theaters, planes, buildings, and now sporting events......it really makes you think...WOW, that could have been me.
It is one thing to do something risky and have something happen: jump out of a plane, ride a motorcycle, or even ski....but it is quite another to have your life taken from you by a terminal illness and it is even different to be a victim of an attack and never have the chance to say goodbye.....
These horrific attacks in public places simply equals being at the wrong place at the wrong time.
My anxiety is through the roof. I fear everything for a few days when something like this happens. An attack can happen ANYWHERE. But, I have to push through it. I have to live life to the fullest. I have to realize that anything can happen at anytime and life must go on. There is a plan out there for all of us and who knows what that plan is.
PLEASE let this be contained and I am thinking of Boston as I lay down tonight.
Do You Believe? The Time I Saw 2 Clairvoyants (On Different Days) Because One Of My Best Friends Made Me........ (PART 2)
After my appointment with June, I was super excited to see DeeDee. About a month passed between my appointment with June and my appointment with DeeDee and during that time, I dreamt of my grandfather vividly almost every single night. It was almost like he was alive again. He told me in my dreams that he was proud of me, that he was going to help me find love, and that he was watching over me. I would wake up in the morning feeling extremely relaxed and hopeful.
The morning of my appointment with DeeDee, I almost canceled it. I was feeling overwhelmed at what I could hear and nervous that she would tell me things that scared me. But, I figured, I waited 2 months to see her, so I better just go...
I was a few minutes late trying to find a parking spot and walked in all in a huff. DeeDee sees clients in an office space that is decorated like a hookah lounge: comfy chairs and couches, tapestries, candles and incense everywhere.
When I entered, I smelled a scent that reminded me of my grandfather's pipe. It was very soothing. DeeDee smiled and gave me a hug. She said, "Welcome, R&F. Your grandfather told me you are always a few minutes late. He is here right now and has been eagerly awaiting your arrival all morning. I had to ask him to stay out of other client's appointments. He is very chatty and animated (SO TRUE). I have to ask you your permission first, is it okay if he stays for our appointment?"
I burst into tears. I could feel him there. The energy. The smell. I knew he was in DeeDee's office.
"Of course....," was all I could mutter before DeeDee guided me to a huge purple armchair and started her ritual of lighting incense and candles and meditating.
DeeDee got out a notebook and started scribbling fanatically. She wrote Awful's initials, circled them, and then made a line through it. Like a "no running sign" for children. My grandfather loved to make little signs like that. She told me that my grandfather had been wanting to tell me this message for the last 3 years.
DeeDee continued to blow my mind. My grandpa had so much to tell me. She told me that she knew I had already had my angels read and that Smartie Best Friend had sent me and that my grandfather had started to bug her in desperation in order to get me into DeeDee's office (true!).
DeeDee drew a diagram of my workspace complete with a photo of my grandfather (which is in the room I work) and told me that he wanted me to know that he watches me. She drew a diagram of my family and me witnessing my grandfather's last rites and told me that my grandfather considers that one of the best moments of his life even though it came at the very end. DeeDee explained that my grandfather disliked Awful and really wanted me to get my $25.00 check (a joke that he shared with Sissy and me...if we married Jewish, he would give us $25.00 and if we didn't marry Jewish....we got nothing!). She told me my grandfather handpicked Big Baby's soul for our family (Big Baby is his namesake) and we would be very close and have a special bond (we do already). DeeDee explained all of the business mistakes my granddad was watching me make and how I had to stay true to myself and be tough, if I wanted to make a living.
Most of all, my granddad emphasized the importance of me making my husband list. DeeDee said that my grandpa was looking all over the skies trying to set me up with some one's grandson and he had no idea what I wanted. He had been trying, but it just wasn't working out with anyone he sent me and DeeDee referenced 3 of my last dates at that time.....all good on paper Jewish guys, but none the one for me.
She told me I had to get specific, I had to get superficial, I had to wish for EXACTLY what I wanted and then grandpa could help me. I promised her I would. She told me something I will never forget. "You are connected to life beyond life. Just like I am. You are being given a huge opportunity. Someone close to you and chosen (my grandfather) who loves you very much is trying to help you find your soul mate. All you have to do is make your list. You have nothing to lose. Just make the list. The worst that can happen is that it takes a few years and you get your body and mind in check, you continue to grow your business....or...well, love could be just around the corner for you. Make your damn list." (My mom, Sissy, and Smartie Best Friend had already been telling me to make my list before I saw DeeDee, so the notion of a list was not something new to me.
DeeDee went on to discuss my love life. The abuse I endured with Awful. The fact that Awful was never going to marry me. How he was going to bars instead of conversion classes....how he emotionally and most likely physically cheated on me (I did suspect something on 2 separate occasions and pretty much had it confirmed last June...which I am not even angry about....subconsciously, he was looking for a way out, too). How I did enough good deeds for him: cooking, cleaning, getting him a job after he was fired from his last one, being hospitable to his family and friends....even though he wasn't a bad person in general, he was a very bad person for me. She told me that my grandfather was desperate to contact me all during my relationship with Awful (I started dating Awful a few months after Grandpa died) and was coming to me as best as he could while I contemplated suicide, looking for a way out of Awful's grasp. DeeDee wrote down the words, "JUST LEAVE." The very mantra that was haunting my dreams and thoughts the last weeks before I moved out of Awful's home. It was those 2 words that gave me the strength to know that a future existed beyond Awful's brownstone....all I had to do was leave. Grandpa was the one whispering it to me.
DeeDee drew 2 wedding rings with a 33 next to them. She told me that my future husband didn't live in the Midwest, that I would live near the beach, and that I would marry my soul mate at age 33....a special number that would eventually reveal itself to me. She said I would leave this city and never look back. IT IS ALL HAPPENING.
She also told me lots of things about my mom, dad, Sissy, best friends, and grandmother, but I don't want to share on their behalf....the important thing to note is that it has all been spot on for now.
I left DeeDee's appointment feeling like my life would go on. I deleted Awful from my phone, joined a new gym, and signed up again for match.com.
In June, I went to the beach with a best friend and her family and made my husband list. I sent it out to sea with a letter to my grandfather thanking him for helping me and letting him know how grateful I was that he was looking over me.
1 month later, Crush's Nanny passed away.
1 month after that, Crush and I had our first contact.
The rest is history is the making.......BELIEVE.
The morning of my appointment with DeeDee, I almost canceled it. I was feeling overwhelmed at what I could hear and nervous that she would tell me things that scared me. But, I figured, I waited 2 months to see her, so I better just go...
I was a few minutes late trying to find a parking spot and walked in all in a huff. DeeDee sees clients in an office space that is decorated like a hookah lounge: comfy chairs and couches, tapestries, candles and incense everywhere.
When I entered, I smelled a scent that reminded me of my grandfather's pipe. It was very soothing. DeeDee smiled and gave me a hug. She said, "Welcome, R&F. Your grandfather told me you are always a few minutes late. He is here right now and has been eagerly awaiting your arrival all morning. I had to ask him to stay out of other client's appointments. He is very chatty and animated (SO TRUE). I have to ask you your permission first, is it okay if he stays for our appointment?"
I burst into tears. I could feel him there. The energy. The smell. I knew he was in DeeDee's office.
"Of course....," was all I could mutter before DeeDee guided me to a huge purple armchair and started her ritual of lighting incense and candles and meditating.
DeeDee got out a notebook and started scribbling fanatically. She wrote Awful's initials, circled them, and then made a line through it. Like a "no running sign" for children. My grandfather loved to make little signs like that. She told me that my grandfather had been wanting to tell me this message for the last 3 years.
DeeDee continued to blow my mind. My grandpa had so much to tell me. She told me that she knew I had already had my angels read and that Smartie Best Friend had sent me and that my grandfather had started to bug her in desperation in order to get me into DeeDee's office (true!).
DeeDee drew a diagram of my workspace complete with a photo of my grandfather (which is in the room I work) and told me that he wanted me to know that he watches me. She drew a diagram of my family and me witnessing my grandfather's last rites and told me that my grandfather considers that one of the best moments of his life even though it came at the very end. DeeDee explained that my grandfather disliked Awful and really wanted me to get my $25.00 check (a joke that he shared with Sissy and me...if we married Jewish, he would give us $25.00 and if we didn't marry Jewish....we got nothing!). She told me my grandfather handpicked Big Baby's soul for our family (Big Baby is his namesake) and we would be very close and have a special bond (we do already). DeeDee explained all of the business mistakes my granddad was watching me make and how I had to stay true to myself and be tough, if I wanted to make a living.
Most of all, my granddad emphasized the importance of me making my husband list. DeeDee said that my grandpa was looking all over the skies trying to set me up with some one's grandson and he had no idea what I wanted. He had been trying, but it just wasn't working out with anyone he sent me and DeeDee referenced 3 of my last dates at that time.....all good on paper Jewish guys, but none the one for me.
She told me I had to get specific, I had to get superficial, I had to wish for EXACTLY what I wanted and then grandpa could help me. I promised her I would. She told me something I will never forget. "You are connected to life beyond life. Just like I am. You are being given a huge opportunity. Someone close to you and chosen (my grandfather) who loves you very much is trying to help you find your soul mate. All you have to do is make your list. You have nothing to lose. Just make the list. The worst that can happen is that it takes a few years and you get your body and mind in check, you continue to grow your business....or...well, love could be just around the corner for you. Make your damn list." (My mom, Sissy, and Smartie Best Friend had already been telling me to make my list before I saw DeeDee, so the notion of a list was not something new to me.
DeeDee went on to discuss my love life. The abuse I endured with Awful. The fact that Awful was never going to marry me. How he was going to bars instead of conversion classes....how he emotionally and most likely physically cheated on me (I did suspect something on 2 separate occasions and pretty much had it confirmed last June...which I am not even angry about....subconsciously, he was looking for a way out, too). How I did enough good deeds for him: cooking, cleaning, getting him a job after he was fired from his last one, being hospitable to his family and friends....even though he wasn't a bad person in general, he was a very bad person for me. She told me that my grandfather was desperate to contact me all during my relationship with Awful (I started dating Awful a few months after Grandpa died) and was coming to me as best as he could while I contemplated suicide, looking for a way out of Awful's grasp. DeeDee wrote down the words, "JUST LEAVE." The very mantra that was haunting my dreams and thoughts the last weeks before I moved out of Awful's home. It was those 2 words that gave me the strength to know that a future existed beyond Awful's brownstone....all I had to do was leave. Grandpa was the one whispering it to me.
DeeDee drew 2 wedding rings with a 33 next to them. She told me that my future husband didn't live in the Midwest, that I would live near the beach, and that I would marry my soul mate at age 33....a special number that would eventually reveal itself to me. She said I would leave this city and never look back. IT IS ALL HAPPENING.
She also told me lots of things about my mom, dad, Sissy, best friends, and grandmother, but I don't want to share on their behalf....the important thing to note is that it has all been spot on for now.
I left DeeDee's appointment feeling like my life would go on. I deleted Awful from my phone, joined a new gym, and signed up again for match.com.
In June, I went to the beach with a best friend and her family and made my husband list. I sent it out to sea with a letter to my grandfather thanking him for helping me and letting him know how grateful I was that he was looking over me.
1 month later, Crush's Nanny passed away.
1 month after that, Crush and I had our first contact.
The rest is history is the making.......BELIEVE.
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