Proust Questionnaire

I love the Proust Questionnaire that they have on the last page of Vanity Fair.

Even since Dominick Dunne passed away, Vanity Fair hasn't really been the same to me, but I still do love the Proust Questionnaire and reading how famous people answer these defining questions.

I decided to answer them myself and share them with you, seeing that I am not sure I will ever be on the last page of Vanity Fair....Enjoy!

1.  WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?
      Failing


2.  WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT STATE OF MIND?
      Anxious and excited


3.  WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OCCUPATION?(WAY OF SPENDING TIME)
       Riding my bike, walking barefoot on the beach


4.  WHAT HISTORICAL FIGURE DO YOU MOST IDENTIFY WITH?
       Marilyn Monroe


5.  WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST ADMIRE?
       Cat Marnell for being a mess that just signed a half million book deal. 


6.  WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE FICTIONAL HERO?
     Sybil Carpenter in a "Perfect Day for Bananafish" by Salinger


7.  WHO ARE YOUR REAL-LIFE HEROES?
       My mom, my dad, and my Sissy


8.  WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION?
       The first piece of jewelry Crush gave me: a pearl bracelet, my late Nana's patent leather purse


9.  WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU HAPPIEST?
       At the beach with Crush making love under the stars


10.  WHAT IS YOUR MOST OBVIOUS CHARACTERISTIC?
       My big mouth and my love of people


11.  WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE (HATE) IN YOURSELF?
       Dishonesty, over-promising and under-delivering 


12.  WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN OTHERS?
       Bullying, small mindedness, being fake


13.  WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE?
       A good steak and a strong martini made with Grey Goose


14.  WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE JOURNEY?
       The one I am about to take and spending the entire day with a good book 


15.  WHAT DO YOU MOST DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE?
       My cellulite and psoriasis


16.  WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER THE MOST OVER-RATED VIRTUE?
        Being frugal 


17.  ON WHAT OCCASION DO YOU LIE?
       When I know someone cannot handle the truth


18.  WHICH WORDS OR PHRASES DO YOU MOST OVER-USE?
       Basically, In all honesty, In my opinion, I understand, Let me help you 


19.  IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
       I would weigh 155 pounds.


20.  WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?
       Leaving a bad relationship and coming home when I know I needed to for my own health.


21.  WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE?
        Where I am going and by the beach


22.  WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST ADMIRE IN A MAN?
       Chivalry, manners, and kindness


23.  WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST ADMIRE IN A WOMAN?
       Balls


24.  WHAT IS IT YOU MOST DISLIKE?
       Lack of integrity, snakes, and spiders 


25.  WHAT DO YOU VALUE MOST IN YOUR FRIENDS?
        Intelligence, an open ear, and a sense of humor


26.  HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE?
       Sleeping in a warm cozy bed next to Crush while I dream of all of my favorite people. 


27.  IF YOU WERE TO DIE AND COME BACK AS A PERSON OR AN ANIMAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE?
       A bird....perhaps a bluebird or a robin


28.  IF YOU COULD CHOOSE AN OBJECT TO COME BACK AS, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
       A comfy couch that my family loves to lay on


29.  WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO (WORDS YOU LIVE BY OR THAT MEAN A LOT TO YOU)?
       It only takes one, True loss is the only way to get to real love


30.  WHO HAS BEEN THE GREATEST INFLUENCE ON YOU?
       My mommy.  She had withstood a lot, inspired me, and taught me that no one is perfect

Seven Things

1.  I am the heaviest I have ever been.  Like, even college. I saw the numbers on the scale and I cringed.  I then got my period which explained some things.  I feel fine though.  I fit into my clothes. Bodies are weird.  I am not going to stress too much about it and I'm going to continue to work on eating well and exercising.  The binge eating is an addiction and it still has a hold on me.

2.  Crush is coming to town next week to see my family and attend a first birthday party for one of my best friend's daughter's. So excited to see him.  He asked to speak to my mom for a few moments alone and I know what it is about......I want an engagement ring very much like hers and asked that he allows my mom to help him.  He agreed. I think that when my folks meet his folks in June, he plans to take my mom to a jewelry store to begin the process.  I have this six sense with Crush and I'm rarely wrong, but I don't want to jinx it.  There is a part of me screaming out for a baby though.  I would much rather be a mom than a bride. I turn 32 this summer and I am holding my horses, cooling my jets, and slowing my roll, but my baby fever is just about 105 degrees.

I received some wonderful compliments that made me feel really good about myself over this past weekend.

3.  One of Crush's mom's friends came up to tell me that I looked, "just like a screen siren from the 1950s dahlin'. You are just a stunnin' peach. I would eat you up if I could, you are so sweet. Crush got lucky with you and honey, play 'em cards right and you will be dripping in diamonds.." Who doesn't like a compliment like that!?!

4. Crush's grandmother asked me who caught the bouquet. There wasn't a bouquet toss, but she is old fashioned and left early, so she thought she missed it.  She told me, "well, I'm tellin' everyone you caught the bouquet...because that is what I was hoping for." Awwwwwww........

5.  Crush's father gave me the best compliment of my life pretty much and made me tear up.....at the wedding after his speech, he came over to our table to chat and we congratulated him on his wonderful words and sentiments. He told me that "I prayed for a girl just like you for a really long time for my son.  Brains, beauty, and balls. He needs your good sense, strength, optimism, and humor.  You make him a better person.  Since he met you, this is the happiest and most relaxed I have ever seen him.  Thank you for being you and I can't wait to celebrate you two soon at your own wedding."  I almost dropped my champagne glass....it was like a dream.  It was one of those moments that you never think about, but when it happens, the entire world stands still.  The entire weekend was somewhat like this actually.

Considering that I once heard Awful's mom telling her friend that I would keep her son from joining the country club because I was Jewish and Jews weren't allowed in the club and she was happy my name didn't sound too Jewish and that I didn't look too Jewish....seriously, for real....In 2011. I heard her say that she couldn't understand why I would make her son convert and change him (WELL, BECAUSE HE TOLD ME HE WOULD CONVERT FOR ME ON OUR FIRST DATE AFTER CHASING ME FOR MONTHS).....soooooooooooo, this is a huge improvement.  Family acceptance makes EVERYTHING EASIER and I am deeply paranoid of family not liking me since Awful.  

6.  I am procrastinating like crazy.  I am in September right now in the south and not in April in the midwest. Must complete many things today. I feel my anxiety and depression creeping in because I want to be there and not here so badly. I should be working and I am researching future job opportunities and places to live.

7.  My sleep is awesome. Lights off, faced washed, teeth brushed. Just like the 31 year old I am.  8-11 hours a night straight through. Insane improvement.  Almost too luxurious.  I am sleeping like a newborn.  Years of sleep deprivation will do this.

A Man With No Plan

I really only had 2 boyfriends before Crush.  Neither of them were very good.  1 was a sociopath that I found in bed with an 18 year old girl and 1 was Awful.....oy.

Somewhere in the middle of those two, I met a man who I slept with on and off for 2+ years.  I never considered him a boyfriend, but he did tell me he loved me and considered me his girlfriend when I was thin.  I told him I loved him back, but I truly didn't mean it.  I feel bad even typing that, but it is true.  Let's call him Simple Simon.

Simple Simon wasn't that smart even though he had a job that would lead you to believe that he was.  SS embarrassed me.  He wasn't polished, he was selfish in bed, and a terrible kisser at first (he became quite awesome).....SS was super cheap and had money issues......but, there was something I liked about him....

He was impressed by my accomplishments.  He liked that I knew how to do things: cook, clean, have sex, etc.  He also liked that I had hobbies: acting, reading, working out, riding my bike.....I think he thought I may have been out of his league and I believed I was, too.  I hesitated introducing him to my friends.....and when we did hang out with them, well, he always acted like a fool.  It mortified me.  So much so that I wished for "someone that did not embarrass me in public" on my husband list because of SS.

SS and I met at a Fourth of July Party 5 years ago.  We were both VERY drunk.  We made out that night and then continued to hang out off and on.  He was using me for sex.  I was using him for sex, even though it wasn't very good.  I was just lonely.  All of my friends were coupled up and having fun with their significant others.  All I wanted was some company and all he wanted was to get laid.

SS never wanted to go anywhere with me publicly.  I was going through a chubby phase and he told me that my weight embarrassed him.  I didn't like him enough to care or lose weight.  Whatever.  One night he called me to tell me he couldn't see me anymore because he was falling in love with me and I wasn't what he pictured in his plans.  I asked him what his plans were and he couldn't tell me.

A few weeks later, he told me I was beautiful, but my weight and religion (he was Catholic and I'm Jewish) made it impossible for us to have a future.  I remember feeling sad during this conversation, but not at all broken.....I was slightly whatever about it.  I liked him, but I didn't love him and I did not see a real future with him either.  I also wanted to watch something on TV that night, I remember just wanting to get off the phone.

Summer turned into fall and my sister got engaged.  We lost touch and I began working out and eating well and dropping the pounds.  30 or so in a matter of months.  My metabolism is so messed up for losing and gaining weight off and on starting when I was 20, so this is just how my body works.  We ran into each other one night as I was leaving the gym and he was jogging and his jaw hit the floor when he saw me.  Now that I was thin, I was closer to his ideal....the remaining issue was then just my religion.

We started hanging out again and I loved having the power and feeling sexy.  His approval was a turn-on for me.  We hung out often.  I cooked for him, we went for bike rides, he joined me for a business trip to New Orleans, and we even spent 1 NYE together with one of my best friends.  But, my heart was never in it.  We were too different.  He was a jerk, even though I don't truly think he believed he was one. He told me all about other girls.  I decided to date other men.  It was a bit of a mess.  Yet, he continued to tell me he loved me and I continued to say it back.....lies.  I would never do that now.  NEVER.  Another huge issue I had with him was that he was a porn addict.  He wanted to have sex porno style and he was often disrespectful to me in bed.  I didn't have the self confidence or awareness to tell him to stop treating me like shit.

I slept with him the entire summer before Sissy's wedding.  I didn't invite him to the wedding.  I didn't want to introduce him to my family.  Like I said, he embarrassed me.

A few weeks before the wedding, I was at his condo (that his brother who is an accomplished surgeon bought him) cooking him dinner and he decided to get drunk.  He had had a bad day at work and he couldn't explain why, he could never articulate his thoughts very well, but he was upset.  He started taking shots of Jack Daniels and became drunk quickly.  It was terrifying.  He never drank much.  He wolfed down his food and then proceeded to load the dishwasher and started going on and on about how awesome it was that he had a dishwasher.  I had one in my place and as awesome as dishwashers are, it was all really odd.  Then, he put bathroom soap into the machine....like, he squirted the soap over the dishes like water from a hose.....I tried to correct him and he called me a "fat, ugly, Jewish, know it all bitch."  I grabbed my purse and left.

As I walked briskly back to my place, I knew that I never wanted to see him again....EVER.  I told my doorman to not let him up ever again and I deleted him from my phone.

I was actually relieved because I was looking for a way out and he gave it to me.  It was what I wanted.  I wanted to dump him flat on his face for not wanting to date me at first because I was fat.

SS was hard to shake.  He showed up at my place, my gym, my work.  I never told anyone.  I felt like he wasn't really smart enough to do anything bad and he lived in fear of the DUI he had gotten years before and was very careful and afraid of police, so at least I had that on my side.

Eventually he went away....every few months I do get an email for him asking me to coffee and offering an apology.  I always delete it without responding.

I cyber-stalked him a few days ago and not surprisingly, he is still single.

I wish him the best, I really do.  So happy I didn't settle for that.

It is times like these when I realize how lucky I am for Crush.

Pineapple Express

Do you know that the pineapple is the symbol of hospitality?

I am moving to a place that has pineapples everywhere.  Tons of hospitality.  Dripping, just like the pineapple fountain that can be found downtown....and I AM LOVING IT!

This weekend, I attended a very special family event with Crush.  One of his siblings got married and I was his date and it was just what I needed to reaffirm my feelings for him.  My true love.  We ate, we celebrated a milestone, we chatted with old and new friends.....I saw him in social situations and I fell a bit more in love with him as we danced beneath a blanket of southern stars.  It was hospitality at its finest ALL weekend and it made me realize that I can do my job and love it all over again like I used to.  It isn't the job, it is the place I live in.  I simply need this change.  It will do wonders for me: mind, body, and spirit.

September cannot come soon enough.

I realize that all of my doubts, my fears, my frustration...well, it is all because I am nervous about this move.  This BIG life change.  This major transition from Yankee to southerner....but, well, I have never felt more at home than I do in my new almost city.  It feels so right, I cried on the plane coming home today because I miss Crush already and because I know my life is moving in the direction I always dreamed it would.

For a long time, I gave up on love.  I didn't think I would find a man that would want to marry me, but I did.  And he makes me a better person and I make him a better person and it has all been so easy that I have been freaking out the last few weeks. I have been thinking, where is the catch?  What I am missing?  How and why do I deserve this?

And yes, I hit the jackpot for me.  I did.  I really really did.  Crush isn't perfect.  But, I do believe he is perfect for me.  He does stupid things.  He annoys me.  He frustrates me.  And yes, he is a slob.  But, I am an often obnoxious, sometimes depressed, emotional binge eater who cries during Real Housewives reunions.....

On my way out to the wedding, I was waiting for my flight at my gate and a beautiful little baby girl about 9 months old kept making those flirty baby eyes at me and then crawling over to my seat and giggling and cooing at me...it happened at least 10 times.  Her parents kept apologizing, but I loved it.  I love babies.  Her parents said, "she usually isn't so friendly like this"....I hear this a a lot with babies, I will admit they are drawn to me and I consider it to be a huge honor...little miracles they are.  Well, airport baby had a very special name....the same one that my maternal grandmother had and the name of the town I will be living in eventually in my new state and let me tell you it is a rare name.....it is also the name of a city that Crush's sister will be visiting in Italy on her honeymoon......I love when things like this happen.

More to share soon and good night!  

Sleeping Beauty

Another post on the iPad....please excuse the typos......

So, I have made a huge personal improvement in the last few weeks, sleep!

I am feeling a lot better, less hungry, and more positive. Who knew sleep could cure so many of my evils?.....well, I kinda did, but I have been the worst sleeper since high school. If I wasn't depressed or wasted, I wasn't sleeping.

Last year I went back on my antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. I needed to.....it was too much to even get out of bed or shower.  In addition, I was prescribed some meds for my ADHD.....something I was formally diagnosed with in college and I had never taken anything for it.....

I love stimulants. I love feeling up, I love feeling like I can accomplish everything, I love the chatty surreal rave like sensation I get and mostly.....oy........truth here.....I love that I dont feel like i have to eat or that i am hungry at all when I am on them.

My ADHD medicine was a stimulant and I fear I was becoming dependent on them....aka totally addicted.  The moment of truth hit me when I couldn't get my prescription refilled and I freaked out. Like had a mini panic attack and temper tantrum at the neighborhood pharmacy. It wasnt a good look.

The stimulants make you feel like no task is too boing, like no to do list is of long, like the email I deal with on a daily basis can be completed in seconds. I was Superwoman, until I wasn't.

Coming down is hard. Brutal. Headache, dry mouth, binge eating carbs....insomnia and then sleeping for 30 hours straight. My magic pills were becoming less amazing. The easy fill I always crave and seek, wasn't going to happen with ADHD medicine either.....and back to square one.

Since, I retuned from down south, I decided to retrain my sleep pattern. Much like how Sissy had to train Big Baby to sleep.  I gave myself a bedtime, I have established a nightly routine, and I have been sleeping the dark.....confronting one of my fears.

I look and feel much better.

I am beginning to think, like coconut oil, sleep is multi purpose, too! I am nicer, more patient, and generally excited about life with my zzzzzzz's.

I miss my stimulants, but I missed sleep more.

Weight Updates and Other Food Blunders

Please don't judge the even more typos than normal on this post, I'm typing it from my iPad between appointments.

So, the eating these days has been out of control. Emotional. Yearning. Obsessing. Not fun.

This results in utter self loathing. Not wanting to get out of bed. Not wanting to be accountable for plans. Not wanting to take a photo. Hiding from life. Food is a real addiction. It makes me do things I wish I didn't do.

I am getting back to basics with my diet.  The first step is no more dieting and no more scale.

Both turn into obsessive competitions for me. Little pictures, when I need to be focusing on my big one.....the food abuse that comes with emotional eating.

First step for me is simply retraining my hunger cues.  Am I eating because I am hungry? 90 percent of the time I am not.  I am reaching for food for distraction, for comfort, for companionship....in the past I used sex, cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol to ease the same feelings and now food is my last addiction to confront head on.

I haven't actually gained weight. A few pounds of vacation last week, but nothing major.  The thing is that I feel the tidal wave of a binge brewing. I feel the self hatred, depression, and lack of excitement that often accompanies a binge and I don't want to do it this time. I want to face it. I want to feel the pain that needs to escape from me. I need to stop using food as my ban-aid and let my wounds heal naturally. It is time.

This all being said, I will let you all know about the food issues, but I'm putting the scale away for a bit and quitting the calorie counting for weight loss (just journaling and counting for a reference point for my hunger cues) and I am going to work this out. Inside out, top to bottom, tears and self hatred to come. I am ready. For many reasons. But, mostly because who I am to judge Crush for his shortcomings and stupid what he may dos when I am addicted to food.

Always Right Bestie read yesterday's post and offered me great insight with my recent struggles. The message was that we all have something to work on. Crush with his social skills a bit and thinking before he acts and me......well, food is just the tip of the iceberg. I never said I wasn't a hypocrite......

Happy Hump Day!

Sick, Emotional Eating, Doubt and Other Updates....

I have been just going through the motions this week.....not fun.  Ever since I get back from down south, I have been sick sick sick.  Exhausted, stuffed up, sneezy.  I have allergies now.  I have never had them before.

Sneezing hurts terribly, but the relief I get from a sneeze feels so delicious....very much like popping a zit.  Bring it on.

As for my emotional eating.  It has been out of control.  I looked at the calendar and I realized that in 5 months, I will be moving and I FREAKED OUT.  I am not hungry.  I am filling a hole.  My mouth.  For the first time ever, I bought a few books on emotional eating and I will say, I feel way less alone about it.  For years and years, I thought my eating habits were so shameful, strange, and manic that I was the only person in the world going through a food addiction.  The thing is that I like healthy food and overall, I have pretty good habits: I don't drink alcohol hardly ever (6 drinks or less a month), I don't smoke, I like to workout, I love my fruits and veggies.  It is my own mindset about food that is truly messed up.  I punish myself for eating too much.  I get filled with self hate when I eat something that I didn't even want or plan for.  I become depressed when I have to miss the gym for such things as nursing my cold or meeting with clients.  This isn't working for me.  I have to fix my mind.  I plan on working through it in therapy.  One day at a time.

As for Crush, well, things are a bit ho-hum on that front, but I am getting afraid of something that always seems to creep into my relationships after a while....indifference.  Lately, I just don't have the yearning and passion for Crush that I once did.  Everything he does makes me annoyed and it didn't use to be this way.  You see, I hold a grudge.  Ewww, but I totally do.  When someone hits me in a sensitive spot, I have a hard time recovering and the last trip down, Crush hit me in a spot which made my blood boil (more on this is a moment)...several times actually, and he didn't even realize he was doing it.

I need to figure this out.  I have been super mean to him this last week.  I know it is because I am not feeling well, I am attending a big family event for him this weekend and I am tired of traveling, I am feeling insecure about my weight, and I don't feel up to meeting the hundreds (yes, seriously) of people that I will have to face in a few short days.  I just want to stay in bed and sneeze.  I just want to get into a daily routine.  I just want to sleep.  No one ever said a long-distance relationship was easy...

So, as for my sensitive spot.....Crush doesn't think before he speaks.  He does and says things sometime that make me question his mental state.  I am really harsh, so it is totally possible that I am over-sensitive and insane, I know this.

The 2 things that happened when I visited, both after my friends left, that left me with a very bad taste in my mouth:

1.  He told me we needed to see each other more even though we have seen each other 10 times, with 4 future trips planned (this weekend, in 3 weeks, Memorial weekend, and then 2 weeks after that) and now my busy season starts.  Of those 10 times we have already gotten together: 6 - I have gone to him,  1- We met in the middle, 2 - he came to me.  I have planned every single trip.  Flights, hotels, meals.....I am super sick of it.  When I ask him for input, he acts interested and then never follows up.  So, in reality, I am being sent the message that he is not super interested in planning anything, just seeing me.  Time to be a grownup, Crush.

THE COMMENT PISSED ME OFF!  I work many many weekends and when I do make the time and trip to see him, there is a ton that needs to be done work wise to make it happen.  I am giving up my life here (happily) and moving (to a state and place I love), but still, where is the appreciation?

2.  He did something that scared me.  So much so, that I am having to really reflect on it. It was such a stupid thing to do.  I was driving his car and had been for 2 hours (driving myself to the airport) and 5 minutes from my final destination, Crush takes it upon himself to adjust my seat, WHILE I AM DRIVING.  He pulled the seat adjuster thing and all of a sudden I went flying backwards while going 80 mph on the expressway and my feet no longer touched the petals.  I thought we were going to die.

In those mere seconds, my life flashed before my eyes.  So much so, that one of the reasons I haven't blogged for a while was because I was questioning if I should even share this.  I swerved through traffic and was able to figure out how to slide my seat all the way forward, so I could at least gain control of the car.  In my absolute freak out, I did manage to scream...."WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!!!??????" and all he could say was "I was trying to help you, you looked uncomfortable, I was trying to help you!!!!!"

Where is the sense?  We could have died.  I am still processing this. Can I have children with a person that would does this?  He knows what he did was stupid.  He said it was "the dumbest thing I ever did" and I want to believe him.  I do.  Because I love him.  He wants to help everyone. All at the same time. It is something I hate about him, but love about him, too.  What is a gal to do?!

It has been keeping me up night after night.