I am happy. It is weird. I have a lot to do, but I am happy. I haven't been happy in 3 years. OMG. I was not happy for 1 day that I was with Awful. I just realized this. I feel like myself again. I am starting to look like myself again, too. It is all very good. It is all very hopeful.
I am going to see my therapist today. I am happy, but my anxiety is still making it a bit hard for me to complete tasks. I am looking forward to this afternoon's appointment. I do think my therapist is very handsome and his voice is extremely comforting. I bawl every time I see him. No one should be surprised by this.
Oh and yes....yes, I am falling hard and fast for Crush. There is no other way to explain this. It is making me VERY nervous as I have been so unlucky in love before. Unfortunately unlucky.
Crush and me, we just have so much in common. We finish each other sentences. We talk about our feelings and our fears. We both lived through devastating breakups this year, we both were the people that did the breaking up and walking out, we both felt that our exes weren't our soul mates. There are signs, MANY signs. I have been keeping a list. If we ever make it to a defined place, I will share them all with you.
There are dreams, 3 so far that we have shared. This morning I texted him about my dream JUST as I received a text from him about his....the SAME dream, a text from me sent and a text from him received at the SAME time about the SAME dream. And not a sex dream, but there was some kissing and closure with exes and all that. WEIRD! WEIRD! WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have the same views. We are both hopeless romantics. We come from similar backgrounds. We like the same music. We plan to vote for the same person and no I will not tell you who that person is.
I can't sleep. I can't eat. I have NEVER felt this way EVER! I think I may be falling in love. I realize that I have never been it love before. I thought it was love, but it never was. This is something new, this feeling, this is something intoxicating.
It all feels so DIFFERENT, so different, that I am not even scared to admit it. I know that it might not work out, I know that only time will tell, but there is something so special about this, about how this is making me feel, I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I think this may be what the beginnings of soul mate love truly feels like.....I really think it's destiny.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Weight Status 1
I am down 8 pounds! WHOOT! This is progress. I am at a number I haven't seen in OVER TWO YEARS. I am REALLY excited. 22 pounds to go. One day at a time here.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Binge Free: Day 3 (Cycle 2)
1,700 calories down the hatch.
Done eating for the day.
TONS of email to do.
I plan to wash up here early, watch the latest episode of Revenge (LOVE ME SOME SCANDAL!) as a break since I have been up since 5:00 am and in work appointments/calls/emails ALL day, talk to Crush for a bit (keeping it to less than 1 hour as last night we rounded 3 and this lady does NOT have the time this week for such indulgences), and then catch up on ALL email and documents for real...TONIGHT. It's time to get it all taken care of.
I really do feel like I am crawling out of the hole that was this last year for me. What a damn relief. It's not about work going well, or talking to a new Crush, it's really about finding hope. I made a truce with my past, acknowledged my mistakes, learned a lot, dusted myself off, made some sacrifices, stood up for myself, shared my truth.............and now I am here. I am in a better place than I was even a few weeks ago.
The light at the end of the tunnel isn't in clear view yet, but I am seeing the first shadows of something bright.
Done eating for the day.
TONS of email to do.
I plan to wash up here early, watch the latest episode of Revenge (LOVE ME SOME SCANDAL!) as a break since I have been up since 5:00 am and in work appointments/calls/emails ALL day, talk to Crush for a bit (keeping it to less than 1 hour as last night we rounded 3 and this lady does NOT have the time this week for such indulgences), and then catch up on ALL email and documents for real...TONIGHT. It's time to get it all taken care of.
I really do feel like I am crawling out of the hole that was this last year for me. What a damn relief. It's not about work going well, or talking to a new Crush, it's really about finding hope. I made a truce with my past, acknowledged my mistakes, learned a lot, dusted myself off, made some sacrifices, stood up for myself, shared my truth.............and now I am here. I am in a better place than I was even a few weeks ago.
The light at the end of the tunnel isn't in clear view yet, but I am seeing the first shadows of something bright.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Binge Free: Day 2 (Cycle 2)
Another good day. 1,400 calories and feeling great. I really have to focus because Crush is coming to visit in a few weeks and I want to feel the best I can and be excited about my clothes. I have some great clothes, I just can't currently contort myself into them. Oy.
Sweet dreams!
Sweet dreams!
Dream Come True?
My dreams have been so vivid lately. Beautiful. The kind that you don't want to wake up from. I have been sleeping in....not good.
The last time I had dreams like this on a regular basis was exactly a year ago. I was finding my personal strength to leave Awful and I had the most intense dreams. In them, my grandfather would come and tell me to "just leave, just go, I promise you it will be okay, I am looking out for you, just leave, just go." I had that same dream about 9 times before I got up and didn't think about things, about what I would be giving up, I just grabbed my bags and followed my heart right out of Awful's front door.
A few nights ago, I had a really neat dream. I dreamt that the Crush attended a wedding with me that was 2 and half years ago. In real life, I went with Awful. It was a fun weekend, a GREAT wedding. The wedding was for one of my very best friends, a person I truly adore. It took place in her hometown, one of my favorite cities in the world. It would have been better if Awful wasn't my date, everything always became about him and his drinking embarrassed me. In my dream, Crush and I were having a ball. I looked really happy and he was a great dancer and twirled me all night. I am sucker for a man that can dance. I told him about my dream and he told me that he LOVES to dance and he has taken lots of lessons, it's more of traditional thing from where he is from. I mean obviously, because I forgot to put that on my list, but really should have, did I mention...I LOVE to dance. A man raised right can dance if you ask me. Swoon.
Last night, I had another vivid dream. Crush wasn't in it this time, but I was again in the city that my best friend above got married in, in a hotel I love and stayed at with Awful a few times before. In my dream, I am primping to go somewhere. I am listening to my favorite CD ever and sipping a glass of champagne. I am not at my skinniest, but I am about 20 pounds less than I am now and if I do say so myself, I look beautiful. I am wearing one of my favorite primping garments, a long silk nightie with spaghetti straps....my nearest and dearest call it a Dynasty nightie and make fun of me for loving them, it is a very 80s look. My hair is long, my skin is crystal clear, my teeth and eyes are bright. I am really happy. I look like the person I am just starting to look like again after a real long time...I missed her. I put on my perfume and take a sip of champagne. I am in front of a gorgeous vintage vanity staring at myself in the mirror, smiling. Just as I start to apply my lipstick, I wake up.....
This morning, I received a text as soon as I got out of bed from Crush that read:
C: I dreamt about you last night.
R&F: You did, what happened?
C: I was somewhere I have never been before, I am not sure where, but I think a hotel. You were primping to go somewhere in front of a mirror. I was standing at the doorway admiring you, I am not even sure if you knew I was there. You looked so beautiful. It was taking me a lot not to muss you. You were putting on red lipstick. I love red lipstick. (SIDE NOTE: I do too, a little bit too much and ten years into my red lipstick career, I have just figured out how to wear it, I plan to offer some beauty product suggestions on this blog too, down the line, in my dream I was putting on my new favorite red, Nars Heat Wave.....).
R&F: I had a very similar dream. I just peed myself. I now have the chills and I am going to be late for a conference call that I require coffee for. Talk to you later. Don't forget your details. I need to hear ALL about it later.
And yes, Crush uses words like muss.
Pinch me.
The last time I had dreams like this on a regular basis was exactly a year ago. I was finding my personal strength to leave Awful and I had the most intense dreams. In them, my grandfather would come and tell me to "just leave, just go, I promise you it will be okay, I am looking out for you, just leave, just go." I had that same dream about 9 times before I got up and didn't think about things, about what I would be giving up, I just grabbed my bags and followed my heart right out of Awful's front door.
A few nights ago, I had a really neat dream. I dreamt that the Crush attended a wedding with me that was 2 and half years ago. In real life, I went with Awful. It was a fun weekend, a GREAT wedding. The wedding was for one of my very best friends, a person I truly adore. It took place in her hometown, one of my favorite cities in the world. It would have been better if Awful wasn't my date, everything always became about him and his drinking embarrassed me. In my dream, Crush and I were having a ball. I looked really happy and he was a great dancer and twirled me all night. I am sucker for a man that can dance. I told him about my dream and he told me that he LOVES to dance and he has taken lots of lessons, it's more of traditional thing from where he is from. I mean obviously, because I forgot to put that on my list, but really should have, did I mention...I LOVE to dance. A man raised right can dance if you ask me. Swoon.
Last night, I had another vivid dream. Crush wasn't in it this time, but I was again in the city that my best friend above got married in, in a hotel I love and stayed at with Awful a few times before. In my dream, I am primping to go somewhere. I am listening to my favorite CD ever and sipping a glass of champagne. I am not at my skinniest, but I am about 20 pounds less than I am now and if I do say so myself, I look beautiful. I am wearing one of my favorite primping garments, a long silk nightie with spaghetti straps....my nearest and dearest call it a Dynasty nightie and make fun of me for loving them, it is a very 80s look. My hair is long, my skin is crystal clear, my teeth and eyes are bright. I am really happy. I look like the person I am just starting to look like again after a real long time...I missed her. I put on my perfume and take a sip of champagne. I am in front of a gorgeous vintage vanity staring at myself in the mirror, smiling. Just as I start to apply my lipstick, I wake up.....
This morning, I received a text as soon as I got out of bed from Crush that read:
C: I dreamt about you last night.
R&F: You did, what happened?
C: I was somewhere I have never been before, I am not sure where, but I think a hotel. You were primping to go somewhere in front of a mirror. I was standing at the doorway admiring you, I am not even sure if you knew I was there. You looked so beautiful. It was taking me a lot not to muss you. You were putting on red lipstick. I love red lipstick. (SIDE NOTE: I do too, a little bit too much and ten years into my red lipstick career, I have just figured out how to wear it, I plan to offer some beauty product suggestions on this blog too, down the line, in my dream I was putting on my new favorite red, Nars Heat Wave.....).
R&F: I had a very similar dream. I just peed myself. I now have the chills and I am going to be late for a conference call that I require coffee for. Talk to you later. Don't forget your details. I need to hear ALL about it later.
And yes, Crush uses words like muss.
Pinch me.
Binge Free: Day 1 (Cycle 2)
I love the use of the world cycle....it's so America's Next Top Model. Tyra is like on cycle 38 or something. I hope I can get to 30 days binge free without 38 cycles.
As for yesterday, great eating day! 1,450 calories and very balanced all day emotionally which helped subside any mindless munching. I'll repost back later on day 2.
I am feeling so good lately, I am scaring myself.
As for yesterday, great eating day! 1,450 calories and very balanced all day emotionally which helped subside any mindless munching. I'll repost back later on day 2.
I am feeling so good lately, I am scaring myself.
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