A few weeks ago a friend asked me if I wanted to be set up with her friend's brother. Sure. I love me a set up. Brother had great details: tall, Ivy League, Jewish, businessman, family money. Done and done.
Brother wanted to see photos, I sent some. Then, crickets.
I called my friend, so sure that Brother rejected me because of my weight.
R & F: So, what is the deal with your friend's brother?
Friend: Um.....wellllll....
R & F: Um, well, what? Seriously, am I too fat?
Friend: YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!!! It's not that. It's just...
R & F: He got back together with his ex? He met someone on Jdate and they are in love? I'm not his type? He is moving? What!? Tell me, I promise I can handle it. I am queen of rejection.
Friend: I don't know how to tell you this, he is retarded.
R & F: He is retarded?
Friend: Yes, like something is wrong with him, like seriously wrong with him. His sister told me that he is going to have some serious tests to figure it out. They think that he may have always been retarded, but they never caught it before.
R & F: I am so confused. Is he depressed? I can handle that, no problem.
Friend: No, I told you, he has special needs. He isn't who he appears to be, he is retarded.
R & F: Well, tell him to call me anyway. I mean, at least he is tall. You can't have it all.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Crossroads
I saw Awful's motorcycle tonight on my way to an appointment. I knew it was his, it is a very distinct motorcycle. I got a bit sad for a second and then a profound thought came to me......the motorcycle was parked outside of a bar. Awful was at a bar, becoming the person he wants to be for a few hours; telling lies, impressing strangers, buying shots, and picking up tabs with his trust fund.
Later tonight, Awful will climb on the machine and put his life and the innocent lives of others at risk when he navigates his way home drunk as shit. He thinks he is untouchable, he thinks he is special, Peter fucking Pan.
You would think that Awful would learn.....he did total another motorcycle driving drunk last summer. Of course, it wasn't his fault, it was mine. I was the one that wanted him to come home at 4:00 am. I am the crazy one.
I know he is going to get hurt eventually, trust me, I know. I have tried to convince him that he is only a person, he isn't invincible. He is no better than his friend who died of a terrible accident drunk out of his mind last winter. Life is fragile, it isn't permanent, don't fuck with reality.
You can't change a man.
Later tonight, Awful will climb on the machine and put his life and the innocent lives of others at risk when he navigates his way home drunk as shit. He thinks he is untouchable, he thinks he is special, Peter fucking Pan.
You would think that Awful would learn.....he did total another motorcycle driving drunk last summer. Of course, it wasn't his fault, it was mine. I was the one that wanted him to come home at 4:00 am. I am the crazy one.
I know he is going to get hurt eventually, trust me, I know. I have tried to convince him that he is only a person, he isn't invincible. He is no better than his friend who died of a terrible accident drunk out of his mind last winter. Life is fragile, it isn't permanent, don't fuck with reality.
You can't change a man.
Binge Free: Day 2
1, 600 calories. No binges. I may be getting the hang of this. It wasn't easy, but it's not impossible.
Nervous Flutter
I have really terrible anxiety. I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot manage it alone. My best years I was on anxiety medicine and I stopped taking it because people (Mom and Awful Ex, both who may benefit from meds) judged me for needing them. Yes, I care about what people think and let their words determine my actions....what is wrong with me?!
As Day 1.5 of binge-free me continues, I just had a very huge realization. I have been using food since I went off the anxiety medicine to cope. I have been using food to pull me through the darkness. Food has been my light and then I gain weight and then I get sad and mad and raw and I am trapped in this very bad cycle of self-hate.
I am seriously shaking here while I type. I am trying to avoid the kitchen and actually work which is hard sometimes because work can overwhelm me and give me more anxiety....
But, I picked up the phone a bit ago and I called my doctor and I scheduled an appointment. I need to stabilize myself. I need to be able to leave the bed. I need to not stuff crackers in my mouth in the same fashion that Cookie Monster eats cookies (only I swallow my carbs and Cookie's fall to the floor....I would be so much thinner if I didn't ingest....).
I am having some clarity and it feels good.
As Day 1.5 of binge-free me continues, I just had a very huge realization. I have been using food since I went off the anxiety medicine to cope. I have been using food to pull me through the darkness. Food has been my light and then I gain weight and then I get sad and mad and raw and I am trapped in this very bad cycle of self-hate.
I am seriously shaking here while I type. I am trying to avoid the kitchen and actually work which is hard sometimes because work can overwhelm me and give me more anxiety....
But, I picked up the phone a bit ago and I called my doctor and I scheduled an appointment. I need to stabilize myself. I need to be able to leave the bed. I need to not stuff crackers in my mouth in the same fashion that Cookie Monster eats cookies (only I swallow my carbs and Cookie's fall to the floor....I would be so much thinner if I didn't ingest....).
I am having some clarity and it feels good.
Quality NOT Quantity
I believe in a few nice things. A few nice friends. A few favorite places.
Life is simpler when you live it with the mindset of quality versus quantity.
Awful Ex believed in treating your "nice things nice" like any blue-blooded WASP should. His family owned beautiful antiques, treasured heirlooms that they brought over on the Mayflower, and believed that a little hole in a cashmere sweater added character. I appreciate this. As a Jew, I can say, this nouveau riche bullshit is getting old.
I have stopped shopping at Forever 21 and H&M. I am not young. I should be able to afford a few nice things to wear. My life is so much easier now that I own clothes that fit, look tailored, and are perfectly suited for all of my destinations.
I have never believed that tons of friends brings tons of happiness. This was a huge issue for Awful and me. He sees the good (or how he can personally benefit) from ALL social situations. He would rather hang out with a murderer than be alone. I find spending time with people I hate to be exhausting. So much so, that if I feel like I really don't care for you and you want to be my client, I make it very hard for you to book with me. I just know that down the road, I am saving us an awkward conversation.
There are 6 friends in this entire world that I truly love and care about. I am deeply grateful for this.
Life is simpler when you live it with the mindset of quality versus quantity.
Awful Ex believed in treating your "nice things nice" like any blue-blooded WASP should. His family owned beautiful antiques, treasured heirlooms that they brought over on the Mayflower, and believed that a little hole in a cashmere sweater added character. I appreciate this. As a Jew, I can say, this nouveau riche bullshit is getting old.
I have stopped shopping at Forever 21 and H&M. I am not young. I should be able to afford a few nice things to wear. My life is so much easier now that I own clothes that fit, look tailored, and are perfectly suited for all of my destinations.
I have never believed that tons of friends brings tons of happiness. This was a huge issue for Awful and me. He sees the good (or how he can personally benefit) from ALL social situations. He would rather hang out with a murderer than be alone. I find spending time with people I hate to be exhausting. So much so, that if I feel like I really don't care for you and you want to be my client, I make it very hard for you to book with me. I just know that down the road, I am saving us an awkward conversation.
There are 6 friends in this entire world that I truly love and care about. I am deeply grateful for this.
Just Do It
Get on the email. Reply Back.
Listen to the voicemail. Call Back.
Check all the text messages. Send a Message Back.
Why can't I function? Why is this so hard for me this week?
Listen to the voicemail. Call Back.
Check all the text messages. Send a Message Back.
Why can't I function? Why is this so hard for me this week?
My Sister, My Self
I love my sister to infinity and beyond. She is perhaps the most awesome person ever. We weren't always so close. We were soul sisters from baby to age 14 and then high school tore us apart. We reconnected in my mid-twenties, every day we didn't stay in contact, makes me sad now, there were so many opportunities for great times that we missed because of petty bullshit.
I am my sister's shadow. Everything that has happened to her, happens to me, eventually. Our age break makes it possible, she conquers something and then I fall into the same exact sand trap that she fell in. We are so different, so our escapes are not the same. A man saved my sister, I think I will have to save myself. I am far too complex to be saved by a man, even though it's clear that I am not opposed to it.
My sister moved a few years ago for her husband and my heart hurts a little every time I think of how much I could use her company on a daily basis. I have very few friends where I live. That is not to say that there aren't people around that want to be my friend, there are. That is not to say that I don't have a few wonderful ladies that I love very much close, I do. Everyone is simply in marriage and baby mode and I try to keep my distance a bit, because I don't feel too comfortable over-sharing my life and attempts at success anymore. I will share when things have already happened, not when nothing has been determined.
It is hard for me to write this, but I feel like it is time. I think my brother-in-law is an asshole. That felt SO good. I think he is a twat. I think he is a real schmuck. I think he will never allow my sister and me to have the kind of relationship we had before him. This makes me sad.
I understand why my sister likes him. They have the cutest kid too, like my nephew is amazing and strangers on the street will agree. He is adorable. He is brilliant. He is super animated. It sometimes shocks me that he is half my brother-in-law.
I really dislike my bro-in-law because of the way he speaks to my sister when they fight. Please people in relationships, LISTEN TO ME! Do not fight in front of your friends or your family because we will judge you and we will hold a grudge and we will have a hard time believing that things are okay even when they appear to be if you fight terribly in front of us. My brother-in-law said some things to my sister in the heat of the moment that I did not feel he had the right to say.
These were the mean things that I say to her, sister jabs, not husband jabs. And then even worse. Attacking her character and the very life they decided she would have. Making fun of her education and her intelligence.
It is just something I can never forget. My sister stood up for me to the high school bully the one year we were in high school together. She showed up 7th period when Ashley Simmons was going to kick my ass during my free period and she fought her with words. Ashley was always nice to me after that. My sister had my back and now I feel this carnal emotion to have hers.
Do I think my sister is happy? Yes. Do I think my bro-in-law loves her? Yes. Do I wish she married someone else? Yes.
I keep my distance a bit because he makes me hate myself. He makes fun of me and where I am in my life, he didn't know my sister when she was much worse. She had climbed out of her deepest sand trap by the time they had met. He hardly knows her at all, but he knows exactly what to say to hurt her, so he obviously knows her much better than I will ever know.
I am most sad because I can't be the Aunt I want to be. I can't make surprise trips and send gifts and Skype. He doesn't like me and he will win.
I am my sister's shadow. Everything that has happened to her, happens to me, eventually. Our age break makes it possible, she conquers something and then I fall into the same exact sand trap that she fell in. We are so different, so our escapes are not the same. A man saved my sister, I think I will have to save myself. I am far too complex to be saved by a man, even though it's clear that I am not opposed to it.
My sister moved a few years ago for her husband and my heart hurts a little every time I think of how much I could use her company on a daily basis. I have very few friends where I live. That is not to say that there aren't people around that want to be my friend, there are. That is not to say that I don't have a few wonderful ladies that I love very much close, I do. Everyone is simply in marriage and baby mode and I try to keep my distance a bit, because I don't feel too comfortable over-sharing my life and attempts at success anymore. I will share when things have already happened, not when nothing has been determined.
It is hard for me to write this, but I feel like it is time. I think my brother-in-law is an asshole. That felt SO good. I think he is a twat. I think he is a real schmuck. I think he will never allow my sister and me to have the kind of relationship we had before him. This makes me sad.
I understand why my sister likes him. They have the cutest kid too, like my nephew is amazing and strangers on the street will agree. He is adorable. He is brilliant. He is super animated. It sometimes shocks me that he is half my brother-in-law.
I really dislike my bro-in-law because of the way he speaks to my sister when they fight. Please people in relationships, LISTEN TO ME! Do not fight in front of your friends or your family because we will judge you and we will hold a grudge and we will have a hard time believing that things are okay even when they appear to be if you fight terribly in front of us. My brother-in-law said some things to my sister in the heat of the moment that I did not feel he had the right to say.
These were the mean things that I say to her, sister jabs, not husband jabs. And then even worse. Attacking her character and the very life they decided she would have. Making fun of her education and her intelligence.
It is just something I can never forget. My sister stood up for me to the high school bully the one year we were in high school together. She showed up 7th period when Ashley Simmons was going to kick my ass during my free period and she fought her with words. Ashley was always nice to me after that. My sister had my back and now I feel this carnal emotion to have hers.
Do I think my sister is happy? Yes. Do I think my bro-in-law loves her? Yes. Do I wish she married someone else? Yes.
I keep my distance a bit because he makes me hate myself. He makes fun of me and where I am in my life, he didn't know my sister when she was much worse. She had climbed out of her deepest sand trap by the time they had met. He hardly knows her at all, but he knows exactly what to say to hurt her, so he obviously knows her much better than I will ever know.
I am most sad because I can't be the Aunt I want to be. I can't make surprise trips and send gifts and Skype. He doesn't like me and he will win.
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