Mindset

I am all or nothing.  There is no in-between with me.  You are either in or out.  I am either fat or thin.  Happy or depressed.  Surrounded or alone.

Food is hard for me because I am either counting every single calorie or eating and binging with reckless abandonment. My mind has no middle ground.  I am either munching on baby carrots or stuffing a Big Mac into my mouth....

I am going to be mindful, well I am going to try.  I want to actually listen to the voices in my head and allow them to guide me.  I eat my feelings because I don't like to deal with them.  Eating has been my way of coping and now I am ready to actually work out the kinks and move on.

I don't want to be a sad lonely depressed person, it isn't a good look on anyone, especially on me.

Coulda Woulda Shoulda

I wish I never dated the Awful Ex.

I wish I was better with money.

I wish I could maintain a healthy weight for a bit longer than just a few months.

I wish I wasn't single.

I wish I didn't live where I do.

I wish I wasn't afraid of what other people think of me.

I wish I wouldn't have stayed at the job I hated for as long as I did.

I wish I would have seen the world by now.

I wish I would have traveled abroad in college.

I wish I wouldn't have drank so much in college and I would have been a better student.

I wish I would have picked a major that offered better job security and pay.

I wish I would know what being in love really feels like.

I wish I could be 28 again.

I wish my sister didn't live so far away.

I wish I liked my brother-in-law and thought he was a nice person.

I wish that when I am 40, I will look back at my 30s and be proud of the decisions I made.

Procrastinate

I can't stop procrastinating.  I have so much work to do, yet I can't get out of bed.  Minutes glide by into hours and days turn before my very eyes.  I am still laying flat on my back.  I am fighting my way out of bed, from the safety of my covers.  It is time to face my reality, I know I will feel better.  Bonus, when I get up, I get to eat!

Make a Wish

I made a very special wish last June and I hope it comes true.  I wished for clarity and happiness and a soulmate.  I don't expect for all my wishes to come true, but if I could have clarity, I do think I may be able to figure out the rest.

Save Me

Sometimes I dream that I am saved by a man.  That I get to escape from my reality because I am everything for someone.  This man has financial independence, he has a glamorous job, he has a few nice things, but really, he is a very kind person and he wants me in his life forever.

This man takes me far away and helps me grow my business.  I get to move away and have my own life and he likes my friends and we visit often.

Once in a while, I wake up from this dream and for a minute, I feel like he is in the room, in the bed with me.  Then, my eyes adjust and I know that it is just a dream.  I am still stuck, I am still alone, I am still crawling my way out of hell.

The Absolute Truth

If you think you know me, you probably don't know me well.  I am NOT who you think I am.  I am not the person I appear to be.

I seem friendly and outgoing, but I fight my own social anxiety each and every day.  I prefer to be alone than to be with other people.  People zap my energy.  I would so much rather stay in than go out.

I seem confidant in my skin, but I hate my body, especially my upper arms, my second chin, and my inner thighs.  I wish I was 30 pounds thinner, I am currently obsessed with it.

I seem to be interested in what you are saying, but I probably could care less.  I sometimes fight myself to stay in the moment, but my mind is always wandering.  I hate stupid self-obsessed people and sadly most people are stupid and self-obsessed.  Don't feel bad, I am self-obsessed, too.  My own thoughts are too much for me to handle, so please don't be offended.  I just realize that this is disgusting and I hate myself for it.

I seem to be helpful and always willing to do a favor, but I am getting sick of continuing to do things for other people when no one seems to ever help me when I ask.

I seem to be tough, but I am actually not.  I cry about business, I cry about people saying mean things, I cry when things don't go my way that I cannot control.

I seem to be a real man eater, but I haven't been out on a date in months and I cried over the last guy I dated more than a few times when he poofed on me even though I may have been even less attracted to him than I was to the Awful Ex and I couldn't imagine ever getting naked with him....like I just got regrossed out thinking out it.

I seem to be really in control, but I have a horrible and ugly temper that I work very hard to control with exercise, sleep, and a huge dose of alone time.

I seem to be happy, but I am actually quite depressed.  I want to be satisfied and secure and content, I just don't know if I every will be......

Sob Story

I cry ALL the time.  I cry when I am sad.  I cry when I am happy.  I cry when I am tired.  I cry when I am angry.  I cry when I am scared.  I cry when I am lonely.  I cry when I am overwhelmed.  I cry when I am frustrated.  I cry for the people I love.  I cry for the person I hate.  I cry ALL the time.  I just can't help it.