Fat Passing for Thin

I did not make this statement up.  Stephanie Klein over at Greek Tragedy did and I remember reading this entry years ago when I was not working at work when I should have been.

I remember thinking, I am fat passing for thin!  At this time in my life, I was thinner than I am now.  I was living by myself most of the time, I was compulsively working out, I was eating sporadically, sometimes only candy and diet soda, but I was skinny for me and I was happy.  I was also firm in the realization that this thin wouldn't stick.  I was skinny because I was focused on it.  I was determined to be this way at least for a little while.  I was starving for a man.  I was hoping to attract one with my body.

And I did.  I attracted an asshat.  I attracted the Awful Ex.  He preyed on my insecurities.  He saw me for who I was, a fat girl passing for thin.  He knew it was smoke and mirrors.  He felt my hunger and he fed me.  And I became fat again.  I became a fat girl longing for thin and 3 years later I am still this girl.

I don't want to long to be thin anymore.  I don't want to pass for it temporarily anymore either.  I want to actually be a normal healthy weight for life because I know I can be.  Screw thin, I just don't want to be fat anymore.  

Binge Free: Day 1

It is the end of Day 1 of my binge-free spree.  I am going for 30 days in a row starting with Day 1, today.  I don't think I will never have a set back, I know better.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  I don't think I will always have perfect days, I know better.  Food is my best friend, sometimes my only friend.  I like to isolate myself often.

I will say that I tracked all of my food today and that I am not hungry.  I ate around 1,400 calories today and I am fine.  Do I want a cookie?  Yes, of course I do.  But, I am not hungry, I am actually just tired and thirsty, so I am going to get some water, take my contacts out, and hit the hay.  I plan to get to bed early, so I can wake up early and eat work, because I have lots to do and I have taken the last few days off without telling my clients.....I need a break from time to time, but I have to succeed.  It is time to actually DO something and not just TALK about doing it.

Cat Marnell

I am oddly fascinated by Cat Marnell.  I love me a good drug story.  I have been captivated by a few great addiction memoirs, my favorite of late is More, Now, Again: A Memoir of Addiction by Elizabeth Wurtzel.  I couldn't put it down on a recent vacation....it spoke to me.

I realize that like these gals, I also have a serious addictive personality and I am constantly teetering on the edge of truly going over....my personal need of self acceptance is the only thing that keeps me upright.  Cat Marnell says that she is going to write a book and I really hope she does, I will be first in line to buy it.

I find Cat to be cool for many reasons I am not: she lives in NYC, she is open about ALL of her issues (she wasn't always, but now she is!), she is beautiful, she is skinny (too skinny, like sickly skinny, but she is scared of being fat and will not allow herself to get past a certain weight), she has awesome clothes, she hangs out with lots of cool accomplished artsy people (many also fellow druggies), she does not care about what anyone thinks, she is borderline famous, she has ridiculous beauty protects and gets them for free, and she lives a life that she seems to have little regret about. She is so glam, I kinda want to be her, but without all the addiction because I know how much addiction sucks.

Cat wrote for XOJane before she eliminated herself and you can really discover her voice and personal struggles at Vice where she writes a column that may be done here real soon, I hope not, but sister needs time to finish that book I mentioned.

All of a sudden, Cat has become rather famous and I am not the only person oddly intrigued. I try to separate my emotions....am I jealous of her, or is this all fun at her expense?  I have yet to figure it out, but I will say I do a daily google search about her and I am always happy when something new comes up......I wish her all that she wants in this world, whatever that may be.

The internet surely enables a girl crush, even one on the opposite coast.

A World Without Men

I am not a lesbian, but I would be fine living in a world without men.  I know this is a crazy statement.  I know this is because I am bitter.  I know that lesbians like men and most likely want them on earth, even if they don't want to sleep with them.

Men always ruin my happiness.  Men take my friends and my sister away from me.  Men become all my friends care about because these men become their husbands.  Men become who I guard myself from, men make me censor my calls to the few people that support me because I know these men will never understand and all of a sudden I have become the "damaged, lonely, erratic, and crazy friend and sister" to certain people.  I know that this is all probably in my head (besides my brother-in-law who is very open with how cray he thinks I am and is honestly someone I don't always care for at this time in my life because he lacks sensitivity, perspective, and kindness and may have been a virgin before he met my sister...nothing against virgins, he is just inexperienced in life minus academic achievements) and I really do genuinely love all of my friends' husbands.

I am a few years away from a permanently single stamp and a few pets (I won't say cats because I know a few lovely cat ladies with hottie husbands).  I am a few years away from being dried up and infertile and I am protecting myself by convincing myself that I don't want to be a mom because I want babies very much and I can't face the reality that maybe it isn't in the cards for me.  Shhhhhhhhhhh.....I even have names picked out for my little ones, but I won't readily admit that anymore unless you are someone I consider a friend for life because it makes me too vulnerable.

Men determine the size I must be to stay attractive.  Men make my feet hurt because they like high heels.  Men have a power over me.  I have never been myself truly in front of a man.  I always form the words in my mind before they hit my lips when I speak to a man.

I am weak when it comes to standing my ground with men.  Much of this comes from being called fat by men growing up and not calling the chanters "ugly, short, fat, small dicked, or stupid" as I should have.  One personal insult for another.  There is nothing that I can do to ever really get over this....I have tried.

Being called fat is far better than being called ugly, right?  I was always fat, not fat AND ugly, it would have been far worse to not have had a somewhat decent face......All my life: elementary, junior high, high school, college, post college, while with the Awful Ex who was obese when we were together btw, I have been called fat by men.  Even when I was skinny for me.  I have never been called fat by a woman, well only once, but only when she was retelling a story about how a guy called me fat.....weird, right?  Am I only fat to men?

I would be fine living in a world without men, because I would wear all the styles men hate that I love: red lipstick, capris, off the shoulder t-shirts, high waisted skirts, tube tops, and fury boots.... and I would eat dessert after every meal and never censor my words and have my friends and sister ALL to myself!

I remember getting this lump in my throat and flutter of anxiety in my heart when the boys started to call over to the all girls sleepovers in 6th grade to gossip and rank us on a 1-10 scale (always 8 for face and 5 for body for me) and thinking...."go away boys, leave us alone, let us have our innocence" and I still feel this way about men sometimes.  I mean, do I want to share myself with one or should I pass?

Will I allow myself to be hurt by words again in order to have a man?  Or, will I be able to find the right guy for me, the one that allows me to help my friends, be a little chubby, and say stupid things on the regular?

The jury is still out on this.....

Getting Older

All of a sudden, I am no longer in my 20s.  WHAT HAPPENED?  Tell me.  All of a sudden, I feel grown, well kinda.  I was once young, so dumb, and so fancy free.  I was open with my time, I was open with my body, I was always available.  I got up each morning, I went to work, I spent time with people I cared about.  I don't remember thinking once during this time.  I know I did think.  I had anxiety, I had doubt, I was sad, I was happy, I was afraid, but what did I think about?  I must have numbed my thought process.  Surely I didn't think, or I wouldn't be in the place I am in now....right?  I mean, beyond deciding what I would wear or what I would eat, what did I think about?

How did my mind allow me to date the Awful Ex?  How did I ever justify dating a man I couldn't stand, a man I was never truly attracted to?  How weird the mind is, how much it plays silly games.  When the mind fights the heart, the heart will always win. 

Age has made me vain.  I am so vain.  Yet, I cannot stop eating.  How am I so vain, yet so hungry?  Pretty people don't eat, a pretty face is only a part of being beautiful, right?  The body is so much more important.  You learn this young when you are always told "you have such a beautiful face."

I have always liked an older man.  I feel like I can no longer attract one.  I am too old to attract a much older man.  Where is the irony?

I spend all of my money on anti-aging serums.  I make appointments with dermatologists, I promise myself trips to the gym.  I try to preserve myself, to erase all of the years of my personal damage...the sun, the smokes, the booze, the weight fluctuations.  I want to be beautiful for someone, I want to be beautiful for me.

I have been mistaken lately for a younger woman.  I got into a fight with someone at the checkout line about my age after I was carded when buying a bottle of wine for a friend...it was pure heaven.....I loved every second of it, even though the checkout lady was super rude.  Abuse me with questions about my age, I need it.

I fear I will be too old for someone, too young for another.  I fear no one will ever want me now that I'm no longer in my 20s.  What was so good about being younger?  Why do I long for a 2 before the second number of my age?  I must be getting older, because I seriously can't even remember.

A Few of My Favorite Things

1.  Coffee with real sugar, real cream, and whipped cream.

2.  Pizza.  Cheese pizza.  All kinds, all crusts, all mine.  Even cold.

3.  Real Coca Cola.  Cold, in a little glass bottle.  Runner up, Coca Coca Light, like the kind you get in Mexico.

4.  Red lipstick and Armani foundation.

5.  Pedicures.

6.  Old jeans that fit.  The kind that you dream about one day wearing again.  When you have put in the time required to possibly get back into them, announce to the empty room that it is go time and then when you put them on, they pass the ankles, they pass the knees, they pass the hips, and they button and can be worn for more than 2 hours at a time.

7.  Ice cream, premium, I'm over frozen yogurt.  Coffee and vanilla are a plus.

8.  Appreciative people.  People who offer thank you's and hugs and mean it.

9.  Helping.  Favors.  Being able to ask them in return because you already did them with a smile for others.

10.  Milestones: graduations, first loves, first jobs, weddings, baby showers, and even funerals when the person who passed had the opportunity to live a full life without regret full of their favorite things!

I Hate Dating

I want to be set up with someone.  I want that person to come highly recommended, to know that I am an awesome person before they ever meet me for real.  I want that person to have seen me from afar either at an event or in a photo, to have secretly longed for me, to already know my height in heels, to already know my dress size, to already know the dramatic sweep from my waist to my hips...I want to be able to wear my favorite dress and heels on our first date when my set up takes me to his favorite restaurant which is also mine and we share a bottle of wine we both enjoy (I don't drink much, but this is a SPECIAL occasion).

On this date, I want my set up to tell me how happy he is that I agreed to go out with him because he has always imagined this date and how lucky he is to be in my wonderful company.  I want to be set up because it is easy and I am all about instant gratification.

I hate rejection, therefore I hate dating.  I hate putting myself out there for all the world to judge me and to be told I am "too tall, too fat, or too loud."  I have been told I am all of these things by first dates and it is exhausting even though I have thought to myself that these suitors are "too short, too slight and lacking the necessity of shoulders, or too quiet."

I let the negative define my positive.  I am told compliments all the time, I really am.  People tell me that I am pretty, that they like the way I dress and smell, that I am funny, that I could have a reality show, that everyone always asks about me when I am not there...." But, I define myself by the negative, the few nasty comments directed at me and then I make them my absolute.  I then define myself as being "too tall, too fat, or too loud" because some total schmuck who will never know the real me, told me so.....

I am hiding.  I am hiding from my reality.  I am getting older, biggest, lazier, and more insecure because I am listening to my negative and forgetting my positive.  I want to be set up with someone because then I will know that he already likes me and he won't be able to say mean things on the first date.  If I get set top with someone who is already interested then I will have a better chance of not being rejected....this is seriously how my mind works here......this is so not good....